Dealing with a dry alcoholic/former drug abuser

[Heart of a Seeker]

I just need some help here.

My fiance' is a dry alcoholic and used to use drugs. He's a Christian and a good man, but sometimes he gets really unreasonable and is hard to understand. He isn't violent, but he can get angry at the drop of a hat and stays that way for a long time - over small things.

When things are good, I love being with him.

How do I handle these things? He blames me for everything and I don't let him do that. I won't be his door mat. I want to do what I can for him, but I don't want to be an enabler.

Do these people stay this way or can they work their way out of it if they really decide that they want to? Is it a chemical thing?

Thanks for any help you can give me.

 

[BlessEwe]

A dry drunk is someone who is abstinent from drugs/alcohol, but never worked on the underlined personal problems ( like you said). Anger comes from wanting to control things and are unable to so we get frustrated. One of the biggest things in AA or NA is getting out of ourselves and let the things go that we can not control. The serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


I am sure you know that the issues before marriage intensify afterwards. The anger and blame may be a big warning sign to get some premarital counseling. This could become very bad if it is not worked through. Working through the 12 steps with a sponsor is also really good, it helps to let go of the many things that got us to use in the first place. Hope this helps..
Most of the time these things are worked through with these steps and if they continue on then medical help may be helpful ( he may be depressed , ect.).

 

[Heart of a Seeker]

Thank you so much. I can tell that you understand. I haven't talked to anyone about this because I know they wouldn't understand, but there are days that it's extremely hard.

I feel that the counseling would really help, too.

Thanks again -

 

[AxionEsti]

It sounds like he may be suffering from depression, and "medicated" himself with the drugs and alcohol. My son did this very thing, when the underlying cause was depression, and some other things.

 

[Johnnz]

Many addicts are emotionally and interpersonally limited. They are often self centred and manipulative, often die to being raised in an addictive environment themselves. They need a lot more than just 'drying out' to become more whole people.

John
NZ

 

[Heart of a Seeker]

This is good. This is what I'm seeing.