Dating with children.

[~Lynz~]

(back round info)
I have been divorced for a year and half.
i have 2 little boys ages 4 and 1.
my sons do not see there father as he wants nothing to do with them.
i have dated 2 guys since the divorce but it was nothing serious and both only lasted 1 date each, and the never met the boys as there was no need for it.
ANYWAy...
i met this guy a year ago at college and fancyed him the moment i seen him but took it really slow were just friends and got to know each other and i liked him even more. well finally 3 weeks ago he asked me to go out some time.

we have since had 3 dates and they have all went really well. he asks about the boys and before he asked me out we did have a convo about how men are scared off me because of my circumstances. but he had said any guy would be lucky to have me circumstances. so he obviously is not scared off by the fact that i have the boys.

what i want is some advice from people who have been there.
how and when should i be going about the whole boys meeting him. if it doesn't go well then its over. simple as. my boys come first.

 

[janny108]

You are right to say your boys come first.

 

[Birbitt]

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and I can say that the way my mother handled things was not good for me, but my father took great care to avoid adding things to me that I couldn't handle. So I'll share how my dad handled things.

After daddy had a few "dates" with his now wife, he invited her to our home for supper. She came over and he didn't introduce her as his girlfriend, but rather just a friend of his. Then after things went well and he continued to see her we would occassionally do things together, Daddy, she and I. I would say it was probably almost a year after the first meeting before Daddy actually said he was dating her (though I knew I wasn't super young and I had common sense). After I left home for college she moved in and when we had Holidays she and her children were always there and it was fine. She never tried to fill my mother's shoes, never tried to be anything to me but a friend and I appreciate that now much more that I did at the time (I really didn't like her for many years). All in all it worked out well, they later got married and he's happy with her which is all that matters to me!

My mother however was all about introducing her dates to me almost immediately. I hated it, because most of them I never saw a second time, and the ones I did usually didn't last more than a couple of month. There are other things but really I don't have time or space to type it all out.

 

[~Lynz~]

thanks for that post birbitt. thats a nice perspective to get it from.
im glad your dad and his wife had the sense to do it in such away. im sorry bout the way your mother went about it.

i really dont want to do anything thats going to up set my boys. and at the same time i dont want to spent the rest of my life alone.

people keep saying to me to take it slow. which is advice i dont really understand i have no idea how to keep things slow. i have no idea how to speed it up either.

i just feel so confused. and im weary as i have not got a great track record with men and trusting them is hard. and trusting robert is easy as he was a friend first but im still scared of being hurt again.

 

[Birbitt]

I would suggest that you pray about it, and keep seeing your friend, you'll know when the right time is to introduce him to your boys. Again like my dad did introduce him as a friend, and spend a day with him and your boys doing fun things and getting to know each other. Then you'll have a really good idea as to how everyone gets along and you'll know the right thing to do. Trust your instincts mama, God gave them to us for a reason.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I was in a similar situation and did not introduce my children to any of the men I dated. Until I met my now husband.

I introduced him when *he* asked when he was going to be able to meet my children. My kids are older, so I talked to them about meeting the person I was dating. They both seemed excited about it. If they had been upset by the idea, I would have held off.

It obviously went over well b/c I am married now. But, I was like you and would have ended things if there would have been any indication that they were at odds with one another.

 

[clep]

I personally would give it a while. I guess he has no children? I might find out his ideas of raising children. I would also find out if you have the same parenting style. If you raise children completely differently that could pose a problem in the future. I would suggest a parenting course to go to together at the right time of course. I would also suggest you doing some reading on blended families. There are lots of things you can do to aid in the process being easier should he meet them.

One other thing....pray.

 

[~Lynz~]

well he never met the boys and its all over now. we are just gonna stay friends. roberts not a christian and well im realising that is an issue for me,
another guy has already told me he likes me. he goes to my church and well hes already met the boys so wont have this problem if i start seeing him.

thanks for the advice tho it will help at some point im sure

 

[FaithPrevails]

well he never met the boys and its all over now. we are just gonna stay friends. roberts not a christian and well im realising that is an issue for me,
another guy has already told me he likes me. he goes to my church and well hes already met the boys so wont have this problem if i start seeing him.

thanks for the advice tho it will help at some point im sure

If you do end up dating this man from church, keep in mind that the boys knowing him as someone from your church is totally different than knowing him as your potential SO. I would still use caution with introducing him into your personal life and announcing him as anything more than a friend until the right time.

Good luck.

 

[Cute Tink]

I was in this situation when I started seeing my wife. Our kids all knew that we were seeing someone, but we kept them out of the situation for the first 6 months. We didn't want either set to get attached if it wasn't going to be serious. Our first meeting lasted about 2 hours so they weren't overwhelmed and kept it light and fun. Fortunately for us, the kids got along with both of us well.

My kids' mom has done it less carefully and has had a couple guys move in and out of their lives. They seem to take it well, but I don't know how they respond at her home.