dating while separated?

what does everyone feel about dating while separated before the dissolution papers are "officially legal"???? i am currently interested in a man about 3 hrs from me and my parents said i can make my own choice even tho they dont approve. him and his cousins offered to have a cookout with me half way between where we both live. is it ok to go???

Personally I feel that as long as you are married---you are married and should therefore act as such---which means no dating, no kissing, no boyfriend/girlfriend, no emotional attachments with the opposite sex, etc. This is my opinion based on what I feel is morally right for a married person regardless of what their spouse may be doing or how long the divorce may take. I want to live a life pleasing to God. I know others will disagree with me. Just to give you background my husband is currently living with his mistress who is currently pregnant. He finally filed for divorce this year even though we separated December 2007. I have no idea when the divorce will be final. I could easily justify my behavior with his, but it doesn't make it any less wrong or right.

Just remember one day you will stand before God and everyday you will look yourself in the mirror...If you feel comfortable doing these things after going then go...no one can make that decision for you. It sounds like you are not sure about whether it is right or not already so I would really pray and think about it first... If you both like each other a lot and it is meant to be then he will still be there when the paperwork is final and he will respect you for waiting.

Personally I think you should wait until the papers are signed. Tread carefully, you are vulnerable. What do you think God feels about this. Do you want to date a man who has no problem being involved with a married woman? As I said b4 be careful...if he really likes you he will wait until your are unmarried. Just my two cents.

No you shouldn't be dating while you're still legally married and you probably shouldn't for a bit after you're legal. You're 19! There is probably a lot of stuff you should be doing right now and dating isn't one of them. You need to recover and then figure out how to be Mrs. Right and recognize Mr. Right. College, serving in church?

Never, ever should we entertain the idea of dating when seperated. You have vows that we made, I'm sorry, but thats the truth.
Thats why choosing the right partner is so important, marriage was designed as permanent, we have just made it a loose contract.

Get yourself figured out, find out what went wrong in the first relationship and pray similar mistakes are not made in the future.

ok im not wanting to start a debate on this. i havent desided if i woul date untill the papers are there or not myself

but its only a peice of paper... if ur sepreated then your not actaually married...

and if u spilt up for cheating reason then if ur partner never ment those vows then really what are they worth?

my husband married me and never ment a single word he said so really those vows ment nothing to him.


your saying find out what went wrong in the reationship... i know exactly what went wrong he would rathe have sex with a 17 yr old than with me...and not becasue he wasnt gettimg it from me he was. he was just a selfish git.

i would ay dont date when ur seprated if theres a chance ur gonna work things out but im not to sure bout dating while your deffinalty sure ur getting divorse.

im totall not sure myself but id say its a personal thing... if u feel married then dont but if ur like me and dont feel married any more then i wouldnt say no if a nice guy came a long.

Quite frankly - you're 19.

It looks like you have a propensity for making quick decisions. By 19, you've already been married and are now on the road to divorce. You're not even done with the divorce, and you've already found a guy that you're really interested in.

Do you have any idea just how rapid that all is...to anyone but a kid?

My suggestion is to take a break from dudes for a while. Work on yourself. Go to school. Make something of yourself. Even if you have to wait until the ragged old age of 23 or 24 before you find another dude - you'll have plenty of life left to live with them. Trust me on that one.

Don't go getting "interested" in anyone else for the time being.

^^^ yeah i agree with that dont rush in to any thing.

sos2007 said:

well im 18 and ive always liked older guys. when i was in elementary school i had a crush that was soph or jr in high school. when i was 13 i liked a guy who was double my age. when i was 15 i liked two guys who were 21 and since then ive like 28 n 27. now i like someone who's over 20 yrs older than me. im not rly telling vry many people about it bc i know many ppl i know will criticize us for it. but we get along great. and i love being with him. so i've always liked older guys. i was weary when this guy had first talked to me solely bc of his age but it disappeared once i got to know him.

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So, is the guy you're divorcing the one that was 20 years older (double your age)?

Maybe it's a good idea to start listening to people that criticize your decisions at 19. Within 5 months it went as bad as it did - not a good sign for your judgment right now. Stay away from dudes from the time being and get your head right.

I feel you.

I had two separate internet relationship at different times while I was still separated and waiting on the divorce.

In retrospect, I think it was wrong, but it gave me oportunity to learn about myself, my emotional condition, and how to handle being friends with men.

It wasn't the greatest thing to do, but God used it for good. He's good at that kind of trick. Mistakes are not wasted.

To me the greatest concern is your welbeing. Right now your heart is very fragile, even if you don't think it is. I was way more messed up than I realized at the time. I think you may be at risk for more pain right now.

If this guy that you are interested in is a good person and is right for you, he will be there when you are more ready, legally and emotionally. Good friends are hard to come by...can you keep it "just friends" until you are in a better situation?

EZoolander said:

Maybe it's a good idea to start listening to people that criticize your decisions at 19. Within 5 months it went as bad as it did - not a good sign for your judgment right now. Stay away from dudes from the time being and get your head right.

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What he said.

Separated = Married.

Is the op asking what I think of adultery? Who cares what I think, God lists it up there in the top seven worst sins.

ok ill admit i really deeply cosdired dating this guy. so we met up one night just talking no kissing or touching just a hug or too. and i felt like i had cheated. and i felt dead guilty.

im looking at myself now and realising that i respected those vows i took more that my ex did and if i stay true to my self and my god then i can stand true and know i hav done nothing wrong.

and any future dates can wait for a while yet

SearcherKris said:

To me the greatest concern is your welbeing. Right now your heart is very fragile, even if you don't think it is. I was way more messed up than I realized at the time. I think you may be at risk for more pain right now.

If this guy that you are interested in is a good person and is right for you, he will be there when you are more ready, legally and emotionally. Good friends are hard to come by...can you keep it "just friends" until you are in a better situation?

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JohnDB said:

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lol

What yawl are seeing go on between SearcherKris and I is a friendship...one that was made from an affinity of the hurt of divorce. I was told not to date (as was right) and I told her not to date either at a later time when our paths crossed.

You have the voice of two experienced individuals in this matter saying exactly the same thing. You aren't different...you aren't that special...you are completely normal and healthy (although suffering from a broken heart) and you need time to heal from that. Take a couple of years to do it.

We did/are and are much happier for the time.

This is a tricky question. I'm currently separated from my husband, but I will have hope that we can reconcile until the papers are signed. We both are so tired of our issues. Anyway, this is my second marriage. After the first marriage, I did not date until 4 weeks after the dissolution was final. I was still hoping my husband would change his mind and come back. AND I married him when I was 18 and really had no dating experience. So I always said 'I didn't date until after it was final and I don't think other people should.' But now, it is tempting to go back on the singles websites and put a profile on there just because I want company. I'm lonely and would like to go out sometimes. But I don't think my heart would be in it. There is someone here at work who is separated too and we have talked and given each other a listening ear. He has asked me to go have a drink, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I told him that I still love my husband and we haven't even filed for a dissolution, so it's not like I'm trying to appear available. I just want to make sure before I go have a drink with him that he knows I just want his friendship. Like I said, tricky question. I'm wondering if it makes it ok if the other person knows you just want friendship?? Would I only be kidding myself to think that's all he wants too???

I think it is fine to have friends of the opposite sex while separated. It is a healing type of thing because it helps you to stay grounded in the reality that all men ( or all women) are not evil. I think it is important to know that you can trust people still.

That being said, you have to be careful because you are lonely and vulnerable. An incredibly painful, dark, scary thing is happening in your life and honestly you DO NEED comfort and companionship. It just gets tricky because "just some comfort" can lead to some infatuation and inappropriate behavior.

It can truely and honestly start out innocent and before you know it, it turns into something else altogether. When we are hurting we can make some very bad choices in an effort to fix our pain, regardless of our strong resolves to not make those mistakes. When humans hurt, we mess up. I don't think it makes any of us bad; I just think it means that when we are miserable we try to grasp for anything that will help us feel better.

One thing that helped me was making friends here and on other Christian sites. There are sites for meeting people that allow you to join for the purpose of making friends and not just to look for the next Mr. or Mrs. Right. meetchristians.com and big church to name a couple.

My advice, keep it online for a while. Don't get close to new people in face to face relationship until you know you can handle any temptions that you may be faced with. Don't meet people in real life for the sake of allieviating lonliness or a broken heart. Meet them only when you know that you know that you know that you are meeting them because you have a healthy and stable mindset toward your friendship with them and they toward you.

Another tip would be if they are a person you know in real life, keep the interaction you have with them in public. Don't be alone with them no matter how much you trust them or how moral they seem to be. You never know when one thing will lead to another and when you are vulnerable it is more likely to happen, not intentionally; it just happens.

I'm speaking from experience. I was already divorced at the time, but I went out with a guy I had just met online because I was hurting and lonely. I thought we could chat over burgers, have some laughs and I could get some good hugs and comfort out of the deal...a nice distraction. He seemed nice enough. He was talking to me sweetly and was sympathetic toward my pain.

Before the end of the night my weakness got the better of me. I gave myself to him with the hopes that he would comfort me in return. At that point he had another idea: get some gratification and return me to my car. I never heard from him again.

That was almost a year ago. At the time I was embarrassed about it, ashamed. Not so much now. I mean, I fully realize what I did was wrong, but I also see the pain and desperation that was driving me. I was too weak to put myself in a position with a man like that. I had no business going out with him in the first place. I knew better. JohnDB warned me, too. I didn't listen because the most important thing to me on that day was to feel better.