I have kids. Most girls seem to focus on that, than on me as a person. Should i just give up dating?
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Dating when you have kids???
- Thread starter ChooseTheRight
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dluvs2trvl
What You See Is What You Get!
I don't think you should give up on dating at all. I think that the right girl will totally accept you and your children.
I know you said that your kids would be happy for you to find a wife even if she lived half way around the world...the thing is, I would feel horrible taking a dad that far away from his children. I know that with the internet and web cams and e-mail it is a lot easier to stay in touch these days but that isn't the same as having dad there at school functions and being able to just go to a movie with dad or to play a game of basketball with him or whatever.
I also think that eventually the kids would come to resent the step-mother that stole their dad away and made him move so far away from them.
So, keep on dating but stick closer to home
I know you said that your kids would be happy for you to find a wife even if she lived half way around the world...the thing is, I would feel horrible taking a dad that far away from his children. I know that with the internet and web cams and e-mail it is a lot easier to stay in touch these days but that isn't the same as having dad there at school functions and being able to just go to a movie with dad or to play a game of basketball with him or whatever.
I also think that eventually the kids would come to resent the step-mother that stole their dad away and made him move so far away from them.
So, keep on dating but stick closer to home
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dluvs2trvl
What You See Is What You Get!
Overall, that isn't a concern of mine. At my age, the probability of me marrying someone who doesn't have children is very, very low. I love kids and would hope that they would realize I'm not trying to take the place of their mother...but I think getting into a situation where the dad is moving half way around the world to be with the "step-mother" would give the children more than enough reason to resent the step-mother and who could blame them. I think it would also open the door for them to become very angry at their father for "choosing" a woman over them.
While I agree that your spouse needs to come first, when you already have children, I think it is most important to put their needs first when looking for your new spouse. Your children are a known entity in your life and their needs are your first priority...a new spouse isn't a known entity yet so her needs shouldn't be on the list...you're needs are a known entity and I think in order to meet the needs of your children and to meet your needs as well you should date closer to home.
While I agree that your spouse needs to come first, when you already have children, I think it is most important to put their needs first when looking for your new spouse. Your children are a known entity in your life and their needs are your first priority...a new spouse isn't a known entity yet so her needs shouldn't be on the list...you're needs are a known entity and I think in order to meet the needs of your children and to meet your needs as well you should date closer to home.
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Inkachu
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I think this is a very tricky question to answer, and I don't think there is one pat answer for every single parent, because our situations can be SO varying.
I think, if you have children that go back and forth between homes, or if there are stepparents coming into the scene...it can be very prudent and wise NOT to date, for the sake of everyone involved. Broken homes are just that...broken...the children need ALL of the love and attention they can get, since they didn't ask for the mess created by their parents.
Now for others...if both parents are on good terms, everyone is peaceful and friendly...dating might be considered...but you've got to be SO CAREFUL...that your romantic desires do not cause you to overlook the needs of your child/ren, and that your b/f or g/f never becomes more important than the kids (unless you get married).
I'm very blessed (in some ways) that my ex has never had anything to do with me and my son. There is no custody crap, no visitation, etc. I live a very settled, secure life, and I think that a relationship - handled with prudence and caution - could be fine.
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ido
Adios
I think that dating with children is fine as long as the children's needs are put before the parent's dating life. Also, the two do not need to be intertwined. I have been out on dates with a handful of guys in the last year or so - but my kids don't know anything about them and have never met them. If I became serious enough about someone, I would discuss with them how I would feel comfortable easing them into my children's lives.
Stepparenting is not an easy role. I know from firsthand experience. But, my stepson and I continue to have a strong relationship - despite the fact that I am no longer married to his father. I would expect the same emotional commitment out of a man that I would marry. He would need to have a strong relationship with my children - but should not ever feel as if he would be replacing their father.
I am willing and committed to remaining single if that is what would be in my children's best interest. However, I do desire to remarry if the right guy comes along.
Stepparenting is not an easy role. I know from firsthand experience. But, my stepson and I continue to have a strong relationship - despite the fact that I am no longer married to his father. I would expect the same emotional commitment out of a man that I would marry. He would need to have a strong relationship with my children - but should not ever feel as if he would be replacing their father.
I am willing and committed to remaining single if that is what would be in my children's best interest. However, I do desire to remarry if the right guy comes along.
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eatenbylocusts
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Maybe he's like my ex-not a good influence to have around. My son still misses him though even though my ex doesn't even deserve those emotions.I'm sorry, but I'm struggling to understand how it is a blessing to your son to not have his father in his life.
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eatenbylocusts
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I don't think you should give up on dating. Honestly the number of kids you have may whittle down your dating pool which could be a good thing that you don't waste time with the wrong person.
Lately I've seen some parents doing some very selfish things with their kids and hurting them by choosing a bf/gf over the kids. I agree that for the most part the kids should be kept out of the dating until the relationship appears to be going serious. Every kid is different though, but introducing someone before you're comfortable enough with the new love interest to start seeing each other's faults, seems to be a bit reckless.
Lately I've seen some parents doing some very selfish things with their kids and hurting them by choosing a bf/gf over the kids. I agree that for the most part the kids should be kept out of the dating until the relationship appears to be going serious. Every kid is different though, but introducing someone before you're comfortable enough with the new love interest to start seeing each other's faults, seems to be a bit reckless.
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GritsnGrace
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I'm sorry, but I'm struggling to understand how it is a blessing to your son to not have his father in his life.
I can totally understand this. My daughters father (she refers to him as her sperm donor) has caused more pain than joy. So, I wish we hadn't had to have contact with him. She is grown now, so she doesn't have to see him, if she chooses not to.
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ido
Adios
IDK - I try very hard to remain neutral about their dad in front of my kids. They love him despite his countless flaws - and it's not up to me to burst that bubble. As they grow older, they will figure him out for themselves. My oldest already has started to do just that at the tender age of 6. But, I could not - with clear conscience - encourage them to bad mouth or belittle him. I want them to learn to forgive him and keep him at arm's distance unless he rehabilitates himself. Otherwise, they will struggle well into adulthood with personal relationships due to unresolved issues with their dad. I have watched more than one of my friends do just that.
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GritsnGrace
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I agree, fng, but with my ex, everything was all about him.
That's one reason I never dated when the kids were little. I never wanted to confuse them with 'who mommy is seeing, will he be my new daddy' type thing. They needed stability more than I needed a date.
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ido
Adios
My ex is the same, GNG. His girlfriend and her 5 cats just moved into his home. No regard for the 3 kids that would be affected by the move-in. No consideration for the fact that he has an almost 10 yr old and a 6 yr old that understand that daddy is living with a woman that he has not married.I agree, fng, but with my ex, everything was all about him.
Unfortunately, and this is JMHO, we can often do more damage as the parent that is trying to shield and protect than the parent that is living the unGodly life or is not a positive influence in their children's lives. Kids are blind to the adult issues - at least on the level of adult understanding of those issues. So, when we attempt to protect them - they often see that as us tearing down the other parent. While it might be "good" for them to not desire a relationship with that parent, it is indeed bad for their psychological/emotional well-being to have to process those details at too young of an age.
I'm not suggesting that anyone has done anything wrong - so please don't take it that way. I just tend to believe that as difficult as it may be to watch, my kids are going to have to forge their own path with their dad.
Now, I will absolutely protect them from neglect and harm...I'm in the process of doing that right now. However, I still will not say a bad word against their dad, b/c they will figure out soon enough that a parent that loves their child simply does not behave the way he behaves.
Is it hard to watch? Yes! Do I wish on some level that he would just go away? Sometimes.
But, I can't be the driving force or I will do more harm than good.Again - JMHO.
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