"Dating" two people at the same time

[Forever trying]

Hey everyone. So, after some opinions here. After being really knocked down in the relationship stakes, I've dusted myself off and getting back in the game so to speak, as to being open to getting to know girls again. Now the issue, unexpectedly I've met two girls who I'm interested in getting to know better. One I've already caught up with for coffee, and the other nothing yet but on the cards. So technically, not even really "dating" the first girl, though we are looking at catching up again, just to get to know each other. Do you think that considering at this stage it just catch ups to know the other better, before going to the next stage (relationship), it's still wrong to be meeting up with two girls at once just a couple of times, before deciding? I don't intent on doing this for a long time. But I'm just not sure, if even at this stage it would be considered "stringing" someone along, or heaven forbid "cheating".

Thanks

 

[Messy]

Hey everyone. So, after some opinions here. After being really knocked down in the relationship stakes, I've dusted myself off and getting back in the game so to speak, as to being open to getting to know girls again. Now the issue, unexpectedly I've met two girls who I'm interested in getting to know better. One I've already caught up with for coffee, and the other nothing yet but on the cards. So technically, not even really "dating" the first girl, though we are looking at catching up again, just to get to know each other. Do you think that considering at this stage it just catch ups to know the other better, before going to the next stage (relationship), it's still wrong to be meeting up with two girls at once just a couple of times, before deciding? I don't intent on doing this for a long time. But I'm just not sure, if even at this stage it would be considered "stringing" someone along, or heaven forbid "cheating".

Thanks

LOL my collegue who just got married, I was having lunch with him I think 3 years ago or so and he said he was on a dating site but he was only dating one girl at a time. Then the next day we were eating with a whole group of collegues and he told them he was talking with 5 at the same time.
Don't think it's a problem.

 

[keith99]

Only potential problem I see is if both go well and deciding becomes hard and you then end up leading one on.

Perhaps giving yourself a deadline to decide or out yourself would be wise.

 

[Cearbhall]

Now the issue, unexpectedly I've met two girls who I'm interested in getting to know better. One I've already caught up with for coffee, and the other nothing yet but on the cards. So technically, not even really "dating" the first girl, though we are looking at catching up again, just to get to know each other. Do you think that considering at this stage it just catch ups to know the other better, before going to the next stage (relationship), it's still wrong to be meeting up with two girls at once just a couple of times, before deciding? I don't intent on doing this for a long time. But I'm just not sure, if even at this stage it would be considered "stringing" someone along, or heaven forbid "cheating".

Just make sure that if the word "dating" comes up and you don't intend to be exclusive, you make that clear. "Catch ups" sounds platonic to me, so I don't see a need to mention it at this point. It's really just a matter of communicating what sort of relationship you want. As long as you're open about it and know that you're both on the same page, there shouldn't be an issue.

 

[CCHIPSS]

It is fine until there is a "define the relationship" moment. Like the first time you two hold hands. At that point I will say it is cheating if you see another lady with the purpose of seeking a relationship.

 

[redblue22]

do they get along with each other?

 

[Messy]

do they get along with each other?

Lol
Oh my collegue after he picked one he wanted to have an evening out with all the other ladies he didn't pick. He was complaining to us that she didn't want that.

 

[RobertMerton]

It is perfectly fine until both sides decide to make the relationship exclusive.

 

[Forever trying]

Well even with the first girl who we went out for coffee last Sunday arvo, you could only really call that a "date" in a very loose sense. And even though we're meeting up again, I don't feel we're "dating" in a relationship context at all. Just talking and getting to know each other better.

But as soon as feelings from either party did change to the next level, of course I would be exclusive. After all, I'm struggling with feeling like a cheater already. And I've never even just casually caught up with more than one girl before. In the past I've always been strict on myself about that. But after getting knocked pretty badly last year, and now finding myself 33 and single, I'm scared that I'm running out of chances I guess.

 

[Forever trying]

do they get along with each other?

Hahaha, that's hilarious

Good one for me to wake up to

 

[sundewgrower]

LOL my collegue who just got married, I was having lunch with him I think 3 years ago or so and he said he was on a dating site but he was only dating one girl at a time. Then the next day we were eating with a whole group of collegues and he told them he was talking with 5 at the same time.
Don't think it's a problem.

Ahahaah!
In my dreams that might happen.
Maybe. Never done online dating with people locally so it's a stretch. I never want to sound full of myself. But perhaps in two years I'll be a bit more witty, bought that fixer up house, have a full business running, and might actually be pursued some

For the OP. Not that I'm a genius in this stuff.
But you're not committed to anybody. Until you agree to somebody or feel you're a bit trapped, then it's probably good your chatting around. Makes you feel a bit more secure, gives you some options, and shows you're not desperate.
Of course if you get a close friend or might crush somebody then you know that your a little obligated to try to ensure nobody gets hurt in my book.

 

[Forever trying]

LOL my collegue who just got married, I was having lunch with him I think 3 years ago or so and he said he was on a dating site but he was only dating one girl at a time. Then the next day we were eating with a whole group of collegues and he told them he was talking with 5 at the same time.
Don't think it's a problem.

Hahaha, sounds like he was living a dream

 

[pittsflyer]

As a guy myself there is also the implied "no" my rule is if we have been on 3-4 dates or meetings and there has been no indication of romantic interest I will typically treat it the same as a no. I wont make too much effort to see the person anymore unless I have absolutely nothing else going on. I had one woman I met off online dating that was kind of stand offish, no kiss and only awkward side hugs at the end of the meetings.

That's not how I want to spend my time lol.

Also just an FYI online dating is horrible for men, I have done it but its absolutely brutal. If I were ever to find myself single again I would go over seas to find a woman. I don't know if I am just not that desirable or what the deal is but I have heard response rate for men online is horrible and for women its awesome. Something is going on in the USA to make dating infinitly better for women than men but I don't know what the catalyst is.

 

[Ubuntu]

OP; I have a question for you...

What if the tables were turned? Would you be comfortable “dating” a girl who was “dating” another dude in addition to yourself?

If this would bother you then there's definitively a problem here… On the other hand; if you were all right with this I would still say that “dating” two girls at the same time is problematic. What if both of them got feelings for you? What if you got feelings for both?

Making a choice between two girls won't necessarily be easier even when you know both better. I had a friend who found himself in a similar position, he had a girlfriend and but also a female friend that he had feelings for. Tough choice!

Letting someone know that “you're all right, but I've met someone better”, hurts a lot more than hearing “you're all right, but I don't think this will work out...”

Playing with hearts is a serious thing and you definitively risk leading someone on, even if you don't intend to do so.

My recommendation is to focus on one friendship at a time. Having several "potential" girlfriends will only muddy the waters!

 

[sundewgrower]

Also just an FYI online dating is horrible for men, I have done it but its absolutely brutal. If I were ever to find myself single again I would go over seas to find a woman. I don't know if I am just not that desirable or what the deal is but I have heard response rate for men online is horrible and for women its awesome. Something is going on in the USA to make dating infinitly better for women than men but I don't know what the catalyst is.

It's very very brutal. I'm very nice, I'll be very personal/open/etc but it burns in the end. However, when I really tried my writing was a bit unusual, I was kinda desperate, and so if I try again maybe it'll be better.
To agree with you.. My BEST friend I've ever had is Taiwanese. I fixed her English up a good amount, and in turn she's put up with me. They (not to generalize or be weird here) can be very shy, you need to watch what you say at first to gain trust, and you need to be otherwise careful since you're deemed a rather scary foreigner. She wants to do college, loves her family, and still needs to graduate.. So it's a sister deal but of course we both day dream but I'll take today for what it is.

I'll be praying about missionary work, and volunteering my time there since I enjoy the culture.. Or perhaps something locally but that's harder.
Not to sound weird. But if you've ever got any questions I'll ask my friend for you and you'll get good advice.

OP; I have a question for you...

What if the tables were turned? Would you be comfortable “dating” a girl who was “dating” another dude in addition to yourself?

If this would bother you then there's definitively a problem here… On the other hand; if you were all right with this I would still say that “dating” two girls at the same time is problematic. What if both of them got feelings for you? What if you got feelings for both?

Making a choice between two girls won't necessarily be easier even when you know both better. I had a friend who found himself in a similar position, he had a girlfriend and but also a female friend that he had feelings for. Tough choice!

Letting someone know that “you're all right, but I've met someone better”, hurts a lot more than hearing “you're all right, but I don't think this will work out...”

Playing with hearts is a serious thing and you definitively risk leading someone on, even if you don't intend to do so.

My recommendation is to focus on one friendship at a time. Having several "potential" girlfriends will only muddy the waters!

I definitely see your point there. I'm pretty sensitive and aware of other's. But if you're not careful, and trapped in the middle from your own doing that sounds like a tough spot.

 

[CCHIPSS]

OP; I have a question for you...

What if the tables were turned? Would you be comfortable “dating” a girl who was “dating” another dude in addition to yourself?

If this would bother you then there's definitively a problem here… On the other hand; if you were all right with this I would still say that “dating” two girls at the same time is problematic. What if both of them got feelings for you? What if you got feelings for both?

Making a choice between two girls won't necessarily be easier even when you know both better. I had a friend who found himself in a similar position, he had a girlfriend and but also a female friend that he had feelings for. Tough choice!

Letting someone know that “you're all right, but I've met someone better”, hurts a lot more than hearing “you're all right, but I don't think this will work out...”

Playing with hearts is a serious thing and you definitively risk leading someone on, even if you don't intend to do so.

My recommendation is to focus on one friendship at a time. Having several "potential" girlfriends will only muddy the waters!

I am not saying you are wrong, but I had been burned by this too. When I started dating someone I used to tell all the other ladies that I am "committed" and so I have to end it.

And then the lady I was casually dating ended the relationship within weeks.

Then I had to rebuild everything from scratch. Those ladies that I told them off would not talk to me again. Some did reply but it is obvious that they are no longer interested at all. No one want to be sloppy seconds. (Hey I picked a girl that I liked better than you. That didn't work out. So now I am back! Do you want to be my sloppy second?) So not only would I have to chat with new girls. I lost all chances with the other ladies that I told off.

And the saddest part is, I couldn't even use this for my benefit with the lady I would be dating. No lady want to hear "Hey I told all the other ladies I talked to off. There were like 6 of them. I did this for you!" So I only harmed my chances for no reason.

That's why I suggest that he keep his doors open. Now if they start holding hands and have a "DTR" moment then yes he should cut everyone off. But before that happens just keep all the doors open, keep talking with the other ladies. So if things go sour at least he can go back to other ladies.

Another trick that ladies like to use is "They are busy!" I had one lady that, after 2 dates, rejected 6 or 7 of my date offers in a row. Also wasted were the time spent on the planning and research involved. Maybe I am too keen to make a date special, instead of just going for dinners. Anyways that wasted a good 4-5 weeks of my time. I later found out she lost interest in me a long time ago, before the 1st date. She thought she was being nice to me by agreeing to go on two dates with me. Now I love her as my sister in Christ. But come on sister don't waste my time like that haha. Just tell me to my face (or online) if you are no longer interested.

Now I made a personal rule to stop after 3 rejections from the ladies. If a lady rejects me 3 times in a row I will call her out and say "When you have time and want to meet me you can let me know. =)" That saves both of us the time and annoyance. I am sure I was "annoying" to her when I asked her out 6 or 7 times when she was no longer interested. I am better than that.

 

[graciesings]

do they get along with each other?

Lol!

To the OP: yes, I've always wondered what the rules are for this and never quite been sure. I was always told that when you get to the point where you would be upset if you found out they were dating someone else, it's time not to date anyone else.

And I'm actually a little jealous that you have this problem... Lol.

 

[TheOliveSeed]

Once you figure out who you want to date and have made it official with her, stop seeing the other girl and focus on your relationship with the girl you've chosen. This is the right thing to do.

 

[Ubuntu]

I am not saying you are wrong, but I had been burned by this too. When I started dating someone I used to tell all the other ladies that I am "committed" and so I have to end it.

And then the lady I was casually dating ended the relationship within weeks.

Then I had to rebuild everything from scratch. Those ladies that I told them off would not talk to me again. Some did reply but it is obvious that they are no longer interested at all. No one want to be sloppy seconds. (Hey I picked a girl that I liked better than you. That didn't work out. So now I am back! Do you want to be my sloppy second?) So not only would I have to chat with new girls. I lost all chances with the other ladies that I told off.

And the saddest part is, I couldn't even use this for my benefit with the lady I would be dating. No lady want to hear "Hey I told all the other ladies I talked to off. There were like 6 of them. I did this for you!" So I only harmed my chances for no reason.

That's why I suggest that he keep his doors open. Now if they start holding hands and have a "DTR" moment then yes he should cut everyone off. But before that happens just keep all the doors open, keep talking with the other ladies. So if things go sour at least he can go back to other ladies.

I've had the same experience as you... I had a female friend and we were mutually interested in each other. I then got in touch with a nice girl at Church and I had to turn her down because I didn't want to disappoint her. It didn't work out with my friend, but I'd still say that I did the right thing and I would gladly do the same thing if I some day find myself in a similar situation.

Obviously the second girl wasn't interested anymore but I still think my first friend deserved my sole attention. I don't think "starting from scratch" is a bad thing if you have to do it because you want to avoid hurting the feelings of a girl.

It's better to be a single gentleman than a douchebag with a girlfriend!

 

[Gnarwhal]

Hey everyone. So, after some opinions here. After being really knocked down in the relationship stakes, I've dusted myself off and getting back in the game so to speak, as to being open to getting to know girls again. Now the issue, unexpectedly I've met two girls who I'm interested in getting to know better. One I've already caught up with for coffee, and the other nothing yet but on the cards. So technically, not even really "dating" the first girl, though we are looking at catching up again, just to get to know each other. Do you think that considering at this stage it just catch ups to know the other better, before going to the next stage (relationship), it's still wrong to be meeting up with two girls at once just a couple of times, before deciding? I don't intent on doing this for a long time. But I'm just not sure, if even at this stage it would be considered "stringing" someone along, or heaven forbid "cheating".

Thanks

Nothing wrong with that as long as you cut it off with one if things go deeper with the other.

Like Keith said, the problems arise when things go well with both girls, at which point you have to make a conscious decision about which one you see a future with. At this point though, there's no commitment, you have just been catching up/reacquainting so it's very fresh.