Dating someone with children

[cali_girl]

Hi:
This is a new thing for me. I've never posted a message on any type of forum. I'm a divorced woman, and I'm dating a divorced man with children. I have no children of my own.
We have been dating for over a year now, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship.

He is a wonderful Christian man and father, and his children are very sweet.
He is the type of man I want to be with, caring, kind, HONEST, loving, considerate, etc. But, sometimes, when his children are around, I feel like I'm invisible. He tries to take time out for me, but that doesn't always happen. That doesn't bother me as much as watching his kids walk all over him. From the time they wake up until their eyes are shut, it's Daddy come here, Daddy get me this, Daddy bring me a drink. And we can't even have a conversation without being interrupted. Sometimes I just give up and accept the fact that we won't be talking today.

Obviously there are things that the children need help with, but they have him running from room to room, fulfilling their every want and need. He buys them EXTRAVAGANT gifts, lets them get away with murder, and justifies everything he does.

I don't know if I can handle this for the rest of my life. I probably sound like a selfish jerk, but sometimes I just wish for 5 minutes of quiet time for us to talk.

He and I used to read devotionals together, but we have not been able to find one single Christian devotional that addresses the type of relationship we have. I do my best to communicate with him, but he takes it as though I'm telling him what a bad father he is, how he can't do anything right, and he is quick to point out that I've never had kids, so I can't possibly know too much about rearing children.

Anyway, is there anyone out there in the same boat as I am. I really need some positive reinforcement because lately, I have been thinking about our future, and all I can see is the negative. This is going to sound very selfish, and probably is, but lately I have been feeling that if he didn't have children, we could take a week vacation together that doesn't involve Disneyland. I like to travel, and so does he, but he only gets 2 weeks vacation per year, and he gets a week during the summer and a week at Christmas with the kids, so we'll never be taking a vacation together. In fact, I'm taking a vacation by myself next year. I haven't even discussed or asked him to go because I know it will never happen.

Well, I believe I have written far too much. I want to do what's right not only for myself, but for my boyfriend and his children.

Thanks

 

[Macca]

Hi:
This is a new thing for me. I've never posted a message on any type of forum. I'm a divorced woman, and I'm dating a divorced man with children. I have no children of my own.
We have been dating for over a year now, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship.

He is a wonderful Christian man and father, and his children are very sweet.
He is the type of man I want to be with, caring, kind, HONEST, loving, considerate, etc. But, sometimes, when his children are around, I feel like I'm invisible. He tries to take time out for me, but that doesn't always happen. That doesn't bother me as much as watching his kids walk all over him. From the time they wake up until their eyes are shut, it's Daddy come here, Daddy get me this, Daddy bring me a drink. And we can't even have a conversation without being interrupted. Sometimes I just give up and accept the fact that we won't be talking today.

Obviously there are things that the children need help with, but they have him running from room to room, fulfilling their every want and need. He buys them EXTRAVAGANT gifts, lets them get away with murder, and justifies everything he does.

I don't know if I can handle this for the rest of my life. I probably sound like a selfish jerk, but sometimes I just wish for 5 minutes of quiet time for us to talk.

He and I used to read devotionals together, but we have not been able to find one single Christian devotional that addresses the type of relationship we have. I do my best to communicate with him, but he takes it as though I'm telling him what a bad father he is, how he can't do anything right, and he is quick to point out that I've never had kids, so I can't possibly know too much about rearing children.

Anyway, is there anyone out there in the same boat as I am. I really need some positive reinforcement because lately, I have been thinking about our future, and all I can see is the negative. This is going to sound very selfish, and probably is, but lately I have been feeling that if he didn't have children, we could take a week vacation together that doesn't involve Disneyland. I like to travel, and so does he, but he only gets 2 weeks vacation per year, and he gets a week during the summer and a week at Christmas with the kids, so we'll never be taking a vacation together. In fact, I'm taking a vacation by myself next year. I haven't even discussed or asked him to go because I know it will never happen.

Well, I believe I have written far too much. I want to do what's right not only for myself, but for my boyfriend and his children.

Thanks

The fact that you have been around for a year could pose a threat to the children. Maybe they have had him to themselves for sometime, and now here comes this intruder trying to steal their dad away.
I understand that you don't intend to be a threat like this, but see it from their side.
If you have serious doubts, it is important that you explain these to him; tell him of your fears. Don't let him tell you you are being silly, because these things are very important to you.
If the worst comes to the worst, you may have to end the relationship for your own sake. But first talk to him. Pray about it. Ask God for wisdom and guidance.
Macca.

 

[chris320]

Anyway, is there anyone out there in the same boat as I am. I really need some positive reinforcement because lately, I have been thinking about our future, and all I can see is the negative. This is going to sound very selfish, and probably is, but lately I have been feeling that if he didn't have children, we could take a week vacation together that doesn't involve Disneyland.
Thanks

You are absolutely right. Welcome to parenting! My bet is that the children are young and that he is trying to function as both Mommy and Daddy. My hats off too him, as I was not willing to go through what he is going through, and gave my daughter to my ex instead.

-Chris320

 

[cali_girl]

Chris: Yes, his children are young, and he is functioning as both Mommy and Daddy. He does a very good job, but sometimes it wears him down (although he would never admit to that). He's very stubborn and will not ask for help, even when he needs it.

Macca:

Maybe they have had him to themselves for sometime, and now here comes this intruder trying to steal their dad away.

I totally agree with you on this and have tried to tell him this very thing. If I'm sitting next to him on the couch, regardless of what they're doing, they will come and sit between us. If we're holding hands, they'll break our hands apart and hold hands between us. They want me to sit in the back of the car so they can sit in the front. I understand what a difficult time it is for them, so I rarely dissuade this behavior. However, I made it crystal clear to my boyfriend that I do not sit in the back, and they want to sit in the front (in the middle), they can take turns. I also told him that there are certain situations where he needs to tell them that they can sit next to him, but not in between us. They do understand these rules.

If you have serious doubts, it is important that you explain these to him; tell him of your fears.

I will try, but it is so hard, and he starts thinking the worst (that I'm just going to leave). I'm afraid to tell him some of my fears because I don't want him to think that I detest his children. I don't. I care for them very much and they really like me too. It's hard being the outsider. I don't have any real say in discipline, fairness, or in anything, and yes, that's the way it should be, but I can have a big mouth sometimes, and when I can't say what I'm thinking, it just churns and churns inside me. Then I start building up resentment.

It's hard to make a point with him because he almost always tries to put it back on me. If I say, "I don't like the way your kids manipulate you." He says, "You mean like the way you manipulate your boss at work." OR "It bothers me when your kids expect a present every time they come back to your house." He replies, "Didn't you just ask for a raise?" Eventually, I just give up because I come to realize that no matter what I say, I'm going to be wrong.

Well, thank you both for your comments. I really appreciate a third-party, unbiased point of view.

cali_girl

 

[LadyDJ]

They want me to sit in the back of the car so they can sit in the front. I understand what a difficult time it is for them, so I rarely dissuade this behavior. However, I made it crystal clear to my boyfriend that I do not sit in the back, and they want to sit in the front (in the middle), they can take turns.

Just my 0.02, but these kids sound pretty young to be riding in the front seat of a car. The safety issues on this should make this a moot point.

Good luck

 

[desi]

Get used to it if you stick around.

 

[cali_girl]

Well, I guess I won't be sticking around. I tried to have a discussion with him last night, and it turned into a nice argument. We finished our argument this morning at work. We both said some things we didn't mean, and I ended it.
I'm sure it's a relief for the both of us.

Now the difficult time begins. He happens to sit right next to me at work, so we're going to get to see each other every day. What a joyous time it will be for everyone.

 

[Macca]

Well, I guess I won't be sticking around. I tried to have a discussion with him last night, and it turned into a nice argument. We finished our argument this morning at work. We both said some things we didn't mean, and I ended it.
I'm sure it's a relief for the both of us.

Now the difficult time begins. He happens to sit right next to me at work, so we're going to get to see each other every day. What a joyous time it will be for everyone.

Yes, this will be difficult, but not as difficult as marrying him and regretting it to a divorce.
I pray that God will give you wisdom and strength to stick to your guns and not give in to your emotions away from the kids.
Macca.

 

[brinley45cal]

Hi:
This is a new thing for me. I've never posted a message on any type of forum. I'm a divorced woman, and I'm dating a divorced man with children. I have no children of my own.
We have been dating for over a year now, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship.

He is a wonderful Christian man and father, and his children are very sweet.
He is the type of man I want to be with, caring, kind, HONEST, loving, considerate, etc. But, sometimes, when his children are around, I feel like I'm invisible. He tries to take time out for me, but that doesn't always happen. That doesn't bother me as much as watching his kids walk all over him. From the time they wake up until their eyes are shut, it's Daddy come here, Daddy get me this, Daddy bring me a drink. And we can't even have a conversation without being interrupted. Sometimes I just give up and accept the fact that we won't be talking today.

Obviously there are things that the children need help with, but they have him running from room to room, fulfilling their every want and need. He buys them EXTRAVAGANT gifts, lets them get away with murder, and justifies everything he does.

I don't know if I can handle this for the rest of my life. I probably sound like a selfish jerk, but sometimes I just wish for 5 minutes of quiet time for us to talk.

He and I used to read devotionals together, but we have not been able to find one single Christian devotional that addresses the type of relationship we have. I do my best to communicate with him, but he takes it as though I'm telling him what a bad father he is, how he can't do anything right, and he is quick to point out that I've never had kids, so I can't possibly know too much about rearing children.

Anyway, is there anyone out there in the same boat as I am. I really need some positive reinforcement because lately, I have been thinking about our future, and all I can see is the negative. This is going to sound very selfish, and probably is, but lately I have been feeling that if he didn't have children, we could take a week vacation together that doesn't involve Disneyland. I like to travel, and so does he, but he only gets 2 weeks vacation per year, and he gets a week during the summer and a week at Christmas with the kids, so we'll never be taking a vacation together. In fact, I'm taking a vacation by myself next year. I haven't even discussed or asked him to go because I know it will never happen.

Well, I believe I have written far too much. I want to do what's right not only for myself, but for my boyfriend and his children.

Thanks

well after a person has kids its not about that prson anymore.Raise kids is a full time job and a hard one if you a single parent.bascicly the kids come first and i think that is what you are just going to have to deal with if you want to contune the relationship

 

[desi]

Well, I guess I won't be sticking around. I tried to have a discussion with him last night, and it turned into a nice argument. We finished our argument this morning at work. We both said some things we didn't mean, and I ended it.
I'm sure it's a relief for the both of us.

Now the difficult time begins. He happens to sit right next to me at work, so we're going to get to see each other every day. What a joyous time it will be for everyone.

Its seldom so easy. Usually its breakup then makeup then breakup then miss period, then "Marry me baby!"

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Are you both scripturally divorced?

If not, I wouldn't consider it anyway.

Personally, I don't think you two should get married. Just from reading your post I sense alot of misunderstanding and conflict.

Take a break and spend time apart.

 

[Olivia]

Being a stepmom is the most difficult thing I've ever done!

My H and I dated 3yrs and have been married 7yrs. We went through all the same things you have described. It is possible for stepfamilies to be successful, but it is a long period of adjustment and requires much endurance and hard work. Much of it would depend on your boyfriend being willing to change his parenting methods, and to put the marriage first. Unfortunately, the biological parent is often so enslaved to guilt that they are unable to set any boundaries for their children. Sometimes bio-parents do change, but only after a long time (sometimes years) of counseling and hard work.

Unless your boyfriend is willing to work on this now, you will be miserable. It will not get better once you are married and you will feel like a second class citizen in your own home. It will be he and his children against you, where you are always the villain. Your courtship will be over and you will sit on the sidelines and watch him court his children. When they are finally on their own, (sometimes they never are) and you have him to yourself, how, then, will you feel about him after being neglected so many years?

Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but that is what it will be like unless he
is willing to change. By the grace of God, my marriage is wonderful now, but
only after years of suffering. If you decide to marry him, only do so on the
condition that he agrees to counseling by someone who understands stepfamily issues (this is a must).

 

[cali_girl]

Are you both scripturally divorced?

If not, I wouldn't consider it anyway.

I'm not sure what you mean by "scripturally divorced," but I'm going to guess and assume you mean that our former spouses committed adultry. If so, this is true for both of us. We both had cheating spouses.

Personally, I don't think you two should get married. Just from reading your post I sense alot of misunderstanding and conflict.

Take a break and spend time apart.

We have agreed to take a break for a while and both work on ourselves. I'm not sure what he is doing, but I am reading some books and am considering counseling. We haven't even discussed marriage up to this point.

My H and I dated 3yrs and have been married 7yrs. We went through all the same things you have described. It is possible for stepfamilies to be successful, but it is a long period of adjustment and requires much endurance and hard work. Much of it would depend on your boyfriend being willing to change his parenting methods, and to put the marriage first. Unfortunately, the biological parent is often so enslaved to guilt that they are unable to set any boundaries for their children. Sometimes bio-parents do change, but only after a long time (sometimes years) of counseling and hard work.

Unless your boyfriend is willing to work on this now, you will be miserable. It will not get better once you are married and you will feel like a second class citizen in your own home. It will be he and his children against you, where you are always the villain. Your courtship will be over and you will sit on the sidelines and watch him court his children. When they are finally on their own, (sometimes they never are) and you have him to yourself, how, then, will you feel about him after being neglected so many years?

Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but that is what it will be like unless he
is willing to change. By the grace of God, my marriage is wonderful now, but
only after years of suffering. If you decide to marry him, only do so on the
condition that he agrees to counseling by someone who understands stepfamily issues (this is a must).

This is my BIGGEST fear! I already have felt like a second class citizen, like I'm invisible to him when his children are around. When you said "watch him court his children." Man, you nailed it. I have gone with him to his parent's house so he can have "date night" with his kids. He dresses up for each child, and they get all dressed up as well, and he takes them out to dinner and buys them a gift. I stopped going to his parents on "date night." It just wasn't enjoyable sitting at the house with the other children waiting for my turn, which wouldn't be until he dropped the kids off the following week.

I don't know if he is willing to change. He doesn't think he needs to. He is extremely sensitive if I dare to criticize something he does. I also don't know if he will ever be able to put anyone but his children first. This terrifies me because he is a wonderful man, but I don't want to end up resenting him.

I suggested to him that IF we decide to get back together, that we do try counseling. He is somewhat introverted, I thought I would let him pick the counselor, someone he is comfortable talking to. But, we're not even to that point yet, and I'm not sure if we ever will be. I'm starting to think that I'm better off alone, not putting myself through all that grief.

 

[Olivia]

It's good for him to have individual time with the children, but he also needs to have a date night with you.
He is not doing them any favors by making them the center of the universe. The children need to see what
a good marriage looks like, which is one reason why the marriage needs to come first. The other reason
is that your marriage will not survive otherwise.

Do not marry this man until he has gone to counseling for a while and you see real evidence of change.
And I cannot stress enough to make sure the counselor is a christian who has experience with blended
family issues, preferably someone who has been part of a remarried couple and has dealt with the same
issues. Not everyone understands what stepparents really go thru and find it easy to point the finger at us.

You are in my prayers

 

[bliz]

It does not sound like the marriage will ever come before the kids. It does not sound like your needs would ever come before the kids needs. You need and deserve someone who will not see you as invisible. Out of guilt or concern or whatver, his kids are the center of his life. That is not only not good for the kids, it makes a marriage, a healthy one at least, impossible.