Dating relationships stink

[Seraphim19]

Okay, I'm pretty sick of messing up. It seems like there can never be a moment between me and my girlfriend without wanting to oogle each other and make out and "fool around". I'm P'od. We have been together over a year now. We have been struggling with sexual purity stuff for over 7 months now and frankly I am sick of it. We have not had sex, or oral, but sure looks like it could head there very soon and I am very worried. I feel extremely stagnent in my relationship with God and I don't see my girlfriend growing either. Our relationship used to be based on God and growing with Christ (and it still is, but much less passionately because of so much temptation and lust/sin), until we started messing up regularly seven months ago.

Im telling you all, we cannot even go a stink'n week yet alone a few days without messing up in some way physically. I can't do this anymore and hide from God.

Yes I am absolutely in love with this girl, but what the heck? I am a freshmen in college with a lot ahead of me and we are no where ready to be married together especially if we can't control ourselves.

She is also my closest friend, and I don't want to lose that. Dating sucks. It's such a BS form of intimacy.

I know this isn't God's best for me or for her. This relationship is so stressful because love cannot be expressed purely. What can I do? I care about this person so much but I cannot lead her in the right direction (or myself at the same time) while all this temtation exists.

Oh PS - we are at college together so there are almost no safe spots to be in a dorm building. We have tried so many different things (a lot half butt) to thwart the physical stuff but nothing has ever worked. I can't imagine breaking it off with her, but i also know that God is much more important to me. Blah Blah I'm rambling.

We have been obsessed with eachother this whole semester. As a result, neither of us have made good friends. how can we? we are always together! We have even tried spending less time together but that never works because one of us will "cheat" and find the other to be. I swear, we (especially her) cannot stand to be apart from each other. Its unhealthy I know it is.

Sorry for all this mumbo jumbo, but is there any conceivable way to keep her as an extremely close friend without kissing and oggle stuff? This girl is wife material but sure as heck not for the time being.

Wahh. lol. I'm a mess. I'ts 4 in the morning I've been studying and kissing all day. Grrrr.

 

[starprincess]

From what i'm reading it seems as though you two just can't get the hands off each other.
I think your relationhip has gone terrible with God and yourselves.It is more physically based than anything else.Both of your hormones are sky rocket high.You two have forgotten what is suppose to be important in your lives,and the foundation or base of a healthy relationship.
It should be God first.
I am assuming you two only met for about a yr....which means you haven't really taken the time to know each other and understand each other properly.

I suggest you two sit down revaluate your relationship and yoursleves. See where this relationship went sour. See where you are and where you would like to be in the future.
You can't be dwelling in sin and pleasing God at the same time.God hates sin.

At the pace the relationship is going now...(considering the fact you can't be married for the next 3-4 yrs) I willl say you are looking for trouble. I suggest you two come off the edge of the cliff before you fall over.
The wisest thing is to end this relationship and focus on God,yourselves and studies...Not sure you two are quite ready for relationships just yet, and all the hardships that comes with it as a chrisitan couple.
You mentioned you have not had sex or oral...Just would like you to know,whether oral or not is still SEX,and anything done before marriage to bring the pleasures that comes with sex is WRONG.

 

[YouthPastor]

FIrst - even if you broke it "off" with her - atleast the "dating"thing - since you are good friends - I doubt that you would be able to keep your hands off of each other

so.... self control - boundries and sticking to them and consequences to NOT sticking to them

avoid being alone!

 

[YouthPastor]

The "american" dating system stinks.

Christians for the most part search for their spouce the same way the world does..... that makes alot of sense

 

[eatenbylocusts]

You're going to have to set new boundaries and avoid being alone. You do need to concentrate on your studies.

I'm of the opinion that you should stop beating yourself up so severely. You haven't had sex-good for the two of you. Ask God to help you redirect your passions for now.

 

[starprincess]

FIrst - even if you broke it "off" with her - atleast the "dating"thing - since you are good friends - I doubt that you would be able to keep your hands off of each other

so.... self control - boundries and sticking to them and consequences to NOT sticking to them

avoid being alone!

How I see it they can't be away from each other too long...
I think setting boundaries and following them would be very difficult..with alll these hormones in the way.
They are both looking for sexuall pleasure outside of marriage.

 

[starprincess]

The "american" dating system stinks.

Christians for the most part search for their spouce the same way the world does..... that makes alot of sense

i'm hearing alot of issues on the news where students see no problem with having oral sexwith each other,but see an issue with kissing?
kissing has to be done with a b.f or g.f,but oral sex with anyone...and it isn't an issue.

Even in christian schools

What has this world gone to??

 

[SamanthaOfHope]

i'm sorry seraphim :o..i don't have much experience with the whole dating thingy...i've never even kissed anyone before :o

i think you both should keep trying to strengthen your relationship with God..through him all things are possible

 

[Seraphim19]

How I see it they can't be away from each other too long...
I think setting boundaries and following them would be very difficult..with alll these hormones in the way.
They are both looking for sexuall pleasure outside of marriage.

Yes setting boundaries and following them (boundaries do exist techincally) would be extremely difficult. But when I get together with her, my motive is to not "get some" in fact I am constantly worrying about something slipping and it always does.

Lets get this clear. I am absolutely NOT okay with messing up. And I am not purposely seeking it. We just almost always slip.

Here is another thing. When we are alone, I have told her that I am not going to cuddle with her in my bed, and that I am also going to leave the door open and sit on a chair when we watch tv. The problem is after a little bit, she gets upset and wants me to cuddle with her for just a little bit. Hmm, that seems ok for a little bit. Then she wants a kiss. That's okay for a little bit. Then its downhill pretty soon.

I think her biggest problem is that she doesn't know how to control herself very well or how to recognize what really turns her on when stuff is happening. (such as me hugging her, or kissing her passionately).

Also, often times she takes this whole "careful" approach as me not loving her as much. It's very silly. but then again when you do one thing for so long (cuddle, kiss alone, be close), and then quit and be much more careful, emotions and feelings could get very confused. Especially for her.

Poop

 

[SoC]

My reccomendation is this.

- Stop seeing each other for a few days at least. During this time, both of you get right with God. Pray, study your bible, meditate on it.

- When you are both done, the first thing you should do together is pray and refocus your relationship on God. If he's not the focus, you'll probably end up in a sexual relationship, based on what you are saying.

- Set ground rules about where you can be on campus and how far you will go. Then, and this is the key, STICK TO YOUR GROUND RULES!!! I know it's hard. I've wanted to push mine and my girlfriend's rules back a bit, but we talked about it and decided not to.

I also know it's harder to step back from going too far or almost going too far. My girlfriend and I almost made a mistake a few weeks ago. We were both pretty upset when we realized it. But we gave it to God and reaffirmed our ground rules to each other, and we've been able to stay away from that ever since.

A pure relationship can be done. It's hard, but hard is good. You appreciate the result all the more and it builds character.

 

[Seraphim19]

Get married, or stick to your boundaries, or break up. Your options are clear.

If you seriously can't control your lust and what not, then you either need to get married or break up. And if you can't get married, perhaps its best that you seperate for a period of time until its a more feasable option, and in that time make sure you both are growing closer to the Lord.

IMO, I find situations like this rediculous. Its your choice whether or not to lust. Just don't do it. And if you can't NOT do it, and you can't get married, then you don't need to be in a relationship right now because your priorities are completely confused. Its not rocket science.

A slip up here and there, thats to be expected (as long as the mistake is not sex or anything that can be confused with sex.. but for instance, lustful thoughts and what not, sometimes we slip up and let that happen), but you make this sound like its going on all the time, and that my friend is unacceptable.

You said outright in your post that you can't lead her in the right direction. If you know that for sure, if you KNOW that you absolutely can't lead her in the right direction, and that in fact you may lead her in the WRONG direction, then it is your responsibility to take some steps back. Relationships are serious and mature things that require serious and mature choices and decisions. All you have to do is make those choices and decisions.

So I'll repeat.. what can you do? You can make rules and limits and STICK to them, or you can get married, or you can break it off. Choose one. And I don't really agree with marrying just because people want to be physical with each other either but if you both are intending on marriage and already know that you will marry each other and have already talked about that.. AND can't control each other, then marriage is an option.

Its just a choice. Make the right one instead of choosing the make the wrong one.

~ ~

Amen. I agree with everything you just said ^^.

 

[starprincess]

Amen. I agree with everything you just said ^^.

I don't think is is much of a foundation for marriage.it is clear if they do go along those lines,(at least anytime now)it willl just be for sex.

I think you need to work on other aspects of your relaionship

 

[NLRnlr]

Me and my boyfriend went through a time when we couldn't keep our hands off each other but by God's grace we got through it. You need to talk to God,tell him everything. You need to set boundaries and make someone accountable for them.Set a time to get in by,things like that. If you really love this girl you wont want to hurt her,and I know you think your not but if you break up and your've done stuff you shudn't have then this will hurt her.Avoid being alone,this is a big one because I understand that you want time alone. Well if you do have time alone in the day in a public place like in town or the beach etc.try doing things with your friends then your still together but not alone.

 

[YouthPastor]

i'm hearing alot of issues on the news where students see no problem with having oral sexwith each other,but see an issue with kissing?
kissing has to be done with a b.f or g.f,but oral sex with anyone...and it isn't an issue.

Even in christian schools

What has this world gone to??

Wether you like him or not, the oral sex not being sex thing was made popular by bill clinton. Many, even secular experts, will point out that Clintons escapade with monica and his responses about oral sex IS what made oral sex popular amoung youth.

 

[starprincess]

Wether you like him or not, the oral sex not being sex thing was made popular by bill clinton. Many, even secular experts, will point out that Clintons escapade with monica and his responses about oral sex IS what made oral sex popular amoung youth.

that's so SAD

 

[Inperfected]

Also, often times she takes this whole "careful" approach as me not loving her as much. It's very silly. but then again when you do one thing for so long (cuddle, kiss alone, be close), and then quit and be much more careful, emotions and feelings could get very confused. Especially for her.

Poop

heh... i understand that fully, but I am on yourside.

Now spiritually I was set free from all this at the end of last year. it was incrediable, first time virtually in my life, i had no pushing desire to do anything... i loved him still, i wanted him still (i.e. sexual attraction hadn't vanished with the wind) but I was willing to wait. however, 3 months apart immedately after the deliverence from lust helped also...

talk to someone (pastor would be best) about it and see if he can pray with you and provide you accountability.

talk to your gf, ask her what messes her up, put it on paper, do the same for you. then make certain boundries on paper, and then tell her that if you both push them, then it could be over. And make a noticable effort to show her love in more ways.

 

[Leanna]

I don't think is is much of a foundation for marriage.it is clear if they do go along those lines,(at least anytime now)it willl just be for sex.

I think you need to work on other aspects of your relaionship

He says he loves her and wants to be with her. What better foundation do you need? It would not be just for sex.

 

[sunshineray]

I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend a little while ago. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we were pretty much spending every waking minute together. We got through it.

I think the first step to fixing everything is making sure that you guys have a healthy balance between everything in your life. Your girlfriend should be part of your life, not your life. I think it's necessary if you both are living in close quarters to set limits to how much time you are spending together. Try studying apart, instead of studying together. And why don't you both consider getting involved in separate activities on campus or in the community. That way you both will be able to meet new people and have separate lives from each other, instead of constantly indulging in each other.

If you are spending tons of time together, you two might be getting physical because you have nothing better to do. If you spend more time apart, the time you spend together will be more quality time. It will give you both more reasons to talk to each other and find out how each other is doing, than making out.

Finally, why don't you both try reading the bible together. Involving God in your relationship might help you guys to control yourselves, and will help your relationship grow in other areas.

Your girlfriend might find it hard to be separate from you, and she may take it personally if you tell her you want to spend time apart. Reassure her that you think it is what is best for your relationship, that you care deeply for her, and that the reason you think you guys need time apart and balance is so that you guys can be together for the long run. If she constantly fights having balance with you, your relationship probably won't work out in the end. But be patient, give each other time, and if you both are healthy in your lives separately, you will be way more likely to have a healthy relationship together.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

The "american" dating system stinks.

Christians for the most part search for their spouce the same way the world does..... that makes alot of sense

Thats because traditional institutions that encouraged and helped foster relationships between people have been decimated by our hedonistic culture. Indeed what other ways are there to go about finding someone anymore?

 

[Inperfected]

I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend a little while ago. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we were pretty much spending every waking minute together. We got through it.

I think the first step to fixing everything is making sure that you guys have a healthy balance between everything in your life. Your girlfriend should be part of your life, not your life. I think it's necessary if you both are living in close quarters to set limits to how much time you are spending together. Try studying apart, instead of studying together. And why don't you both consider getting involved in separate activities on campus or in the community. That way you both will be able to meet new people and have separate lives from each other, instead of constantly indulging in each other.

If you are spending tons of time together, you two might be getting physical because you have nothing better to do. If you spend more time apart, the time you spend together will be more quality time. It will give you both more reasons to talk to each other and find out how each other is doing, than making out.

Finally, why don't you both try reading the bible together. Involving God in your relationship might help you guys to control yourselves, and will help your relationship grow in other areas.

Your girlfriend might find it hard to be separate from you, and she may take it personally if you tell her you want to spend time apart. Reassure her that you think it is what is best for your relationship, that you care deeply for her, and that the reason you think you guys need time apart and balance is so that you guys can be together for the long run. If she constantly fights having balance with you, your relationship probably won't work out in the end. But be patient, give each other time, and if you both are healthy in your lives separately, you will be way more likely to have a healthy relationship together.

Listen to this advice! It's great!