Dating and Healing

[olds8598]

This might like a dumb question but does dating help with healing from an wanted divorce? I have been recently pondering this question as next spring I plan on hitting the dating sites and see who I meet in my daily travels. I've wondered about mental comparisons between the date and my ex-wife, either putting the new girl in a better place than my spouse, putting my ex in a better place than the newbie, or some other mental connection between the two women. I feel I am ready to start getting to know someone else and enjoy a woman's company.

I posted this now because I was in the supermarket this morning deciding on a beer to enjoy with tonight's hockey game. I saw a brand my ex spouse sometimes would buy me. (I ended up buying another brand I hadn't had in a while.) When I got home, the fact that it is to an empty apartment got to me. I cried. I haven't cried like this in a couple of weeks. I cursed my ex, saying "I forgive you, but I say, "F you." I also asked God "Why marriage?" I know this healing takes time and I expect "two steps forward, one step back." It just sucks because I had plans to work on my new job campaign and all my creative energy got zapped. I did some house cleaning but I am still feeling down. I will watch my game and hopefully fall asleep early. Going to bed early/sleep is a great defense for me when feeling down.

Thanks.

 

[JohnDB]

I got some advice about this because I did it right and I did it all wrong too...

Experience is a hard teacher and a fool (me) will learn by no other method.

 

[JCLover779]

I have no real advice to give, but you kinda have a soft spot in my heart so I want to answer anyway. You are not ready yet. There's too much pain to work through. I wonder if it will take you a bit longer since this was unwanted (as opposed to having checked out years ago and had time to work through emotions). But I think it is also lonely for you. So I think you should consider finding groups of people (male and female) to do things with. Do you have "Living Social" there? Or something like that? It's not a dating site, but a place where people list activities of all sorts and you find something that interests you and show up.

 

[olds8598]

I posted this now because I was in the supermarket this morning deciding on a beer to enjoy with tonight's hockey game. I saw a brand my ex spouse sometimes would buy me. (I ended up buying another brand I hadn't had in a while.) When I got home, the fact that it is to an empty apartment got to me. I cried. I haven't cried like this in a couple of weeks. I cursed my ex, saying "I forgive you, but I say, "F you." I also asked God "Why marriage?" I know this healing takes time and I expect "two steps forward, one step back." It just sucks because I had plans to work on my new job campaign and all my creative energy got zapped. I did some house cleaning but I am still feeling down. I will watch my game and hopefully fall asleep early. Going to bed early/sleep is a great defense for me when feeling down.

I am feeling better about this. Once again, sleep did its trick.

Thank you for the replies...and the soft spot.

That sounds like a good site. My work schedule right now doesn't allow for much of a social life, whether with a new girl or friends. I am waiting on a new job in the new year. I am not making the job change now because I am going to get a major cash influx during the holidays at my present gig. I also don't want to meet anyone now because I don't feel like buying a Christmas gift for anyone new right now. Any extra spending (meaning besides paying bills) is solely for me. I am pampering me.

 

[ReesePiece23]

At this stage absolutely not. - In my opinion.

You sound far to damaged emotionally and you'll go out and make silly choices. It takes years to recover from a trauma like this, not weeks.

You need space now to grow as an individual. You need to rediscover yourself, and journey closer to the lord. Journey with him, grow and develop.

And take it from me... Dating sites, big no, no. Like literally the worst thing ever! I've been there, I know.

 

[JohnDB]

OK,
Yep, I missed ya while attending a men's prayer bible study and breakfast.

I got a couple of questions for ya and then some very general advice.

Where has your family been during all of this divorce and financial hardship?
You don't seem to talk about them at all. As if they are either highly dysfunctional or non existent. (Which is my current guess)

Are you left handed at all?
Which Union are you a member of? Have you signed the book? Are you willing to travel and sign book 2? (lots of other places have practically walk throughs at the moment)

The reason I am saying this is that because of your work schedule you have yet to actually get to living well. Meaning your life is still rather empty yet of a lot of good friends and activities surrounding them. (at least as you have related here)

Even Jesus needed friends. Jesus had the 200 after her was crucified. Even closer still was the 11 apostles...inside the 11 Apostles there was Peter, James and John. Inside of those three there was John. Just something to think about.

Relationships are all about giving of yourself without expectations of receiving anything in return. This can include superficial things like tokens of yourself (money, acts of service, token gifts and etc) to much more meaningful gifts of your heartfelt emotions, dreams and aspirations. If this sort of thing is done in a fashion to where it is for controlling the relationship or manipulating someone it really isn't giving.

Currently there is a habit forming within yourself that needs to be attended to. It is rather common and normal with people in your exact situation. You have been focused on yourself so much due to your pain, loss, and suffering that it is becoming a habit. If it becomes a lifestyle it will become a problem. As things currently are your emotions are a roller coaster. One minute you are up and the next you are down. Involving someone else with those emotions on a romantic level really isn't fair to do to another person at this moment in time. (Meaning you are normal and not superman) You also currently don't have much of a life to share as yet rich with friends and cultural activities. (Car restoration, golf, exercise routines, RC models, community plays and etc...normal guy stuff)

What I am getting at is that you need to be ok with just being single. Not that you actually will stay that way. You need to be self sufficient and able to have plenty left over to share with your life before you can actually share all the excess of good things your life has to offer. This is more than just money. (Which I usually never know of anybody who seems to actually have enough of to begin with) But a life rich with good friends who are kind and considerate and respectful of others and you have activities in your life that will involve the community you live in. You live in a big city filled with all of these anonymous people....get to know some of them! And if you want a friend; be a friend.

I like New York myself. I used to live there. Worked in the City and rode the hudson river line every morning and evening from poughkeepsie. So when I say that "jersey girls don't and NY girls are whacko" I know you know what I mean...saying there is a good reason your first wife seemed like an angel comparatively speaking to those single women that you know. (Which is a good reason to go and find book 2's to sign...but call the BA first to see if there is really any work going on) (southern girls are really warm)

What it will eventually boil down to if you take my advice and make tons and tons of friends is that you will have the women actually beating down your door to date YOU. You will become the hunted instead of the woman hunter.

Christian men devoted to living a Christian lifestyle and going to church on a regular basis and studying God's word to where you know it well are an extremely rare commodity. (Which usually accompanies a lack of serious vice)

I really don't see you staying single...so stay picky about those women you allow in your life. Some of these single Christian ladies wear skirts to church because they fly up as they land in your lap. Soooo...be careful. Get to know a person well before dating. Common traps are where women look for men with money or to help raise their kids or whatever. Look for one that likes you for you and not the things you can do for them. (I knew a bunch of men hunters that were looking for a guy to pay off their whopping credit card debts and debt consolidation loans and wanted to quit working and become housewives) There are a bunch of them out there and they will do a lot of things they think will trap a "good guy".

So...just for a while you really need to fill your life with activities and friends and goals that are meaningful to you. You cannot replace what you have lost. But you can and will get something new. I simply want you to have the good stuff and something that you will really enjoy.

So here is the downside.
Most don't take this advice. Most go out and practically marry the first woman that they date inside of two years of the ink the judge placed on the divorce papers and they all end up divorced again. (95% divorce rate)

For those who wait more than two years it gets a little better. 65% divorce rate for those second marriages.

78% for those in third marriages. (fourth and fifth and successive marriages only get worse and worse)


So if you want to feel the way you are now except worse...then just ignore all that I have said. You too can become one of the above statistics. (I did) Or you can become the minority and have a successful second marriage. (I( actually have a successful third)

So...last bit of advice. Work on your heart three times as much as you do your physical appearance. Work on caring for others. Work at becoming more of a caring individual. Work at being truly humble (google "humility" and false humility so you can understand the difference).

 

[Annessa3]

this bit: What I am getting at is that you need to be ok with just being single. Not that you actually will stay that way. You need to be self sufficient and able to have plenty left over to share with your life before you can actually share all the excess of good things your life has to offer.

stay single. You are Not Ready for a new relationship.

 

[BigDaddy4]

this bit: What I am getting at is that you need to be ok with just being single. Not that you actually will stay that way. You need to be self sufficient and able to have plenty left over to share with your life before you can actually share all the excess of good things your life has to offer.

stay single. You are Not Ready for a new relationship.

Second that!

 

[olds8598]

OK,
Where has your family been during all of this divorce and financial hardship?
You don't seem to talk about them at all. As if they are either highly dysfunctional or non existent. (Which is my current guess)

Are you left handed at all?
Which Union are you a member of? Have you signed the book? Are you willing to travel and sign book 2? (lots of other places have practically walk throughs at the moment)

Except for a cousin in Florida on Dad's side and an aunt on Mom's side my family was/is non-existent. My previous closest relative, both in terms of family and geography, was a maternal cousin in upstate NY who left me twisting in the wind in late 2011 (five months before my wife's divorce declaration) when I asked to borrow $20. She was fully aware that I had been downsized. When I called this cousin, swallowing my pride in the hope I could move in with her if I lost the apartment and my wife's family backstabbed me, I left her a vm that I was loosing my apartment and marriage. She never replied.

I have other maternal cousins also in the same area. These I was always less closer to. When I started getting back on my feet and thwarting eviction in 2012 summer, I emailed one of the cousins letting her know about what I been through. She was sorry but had the attitude of "It's been years since we spoke." I told her I figured almost being evicted and loosing my marriage were events sharing despite the lengthy absence of communication throughout the years. She never responded to that. I haven't heard from her since.

I am right handed.

I am in 32bj. What book are you talking about?

 

[JohnDB]

Except for a cousin in Florida on Dad's side and an aunt on Mom's side my family was/is non-existent. My previous closest relative, both in terms of family and geography, was a maternal cousin in upstate NY who left me twisting in the wind in late 2011 (five months before my wife's divorce declaration) when I asked to borrow $20. She was fully aware that I had been downsized. When I called this cousin, swallowing my pride in the hope I could move in with her if I lost the apartment and my wife's family backstabbed me, I left her a vm that I was loosing my apartment and marriage. She never replied.

I have other maternal cousins also in the same area. These I was always less closer to. When I started getting back on my feet and thwarting eviction in 2012 summer, I emailed one of the cousins letting her know about what I been through. She was sorry but had the attitude of "It's been years since we spoke." I told her I figured almost being evicted and loosing my marriage were events sharing despite the lengthy absence of communication throughout the years. She never responded to that. I haven't heard from her since.

I am right handed.

I am in 32bj. What book are you talking about?

32bj
???

Is that electrical, pipefitters, boilermakers, tin knockers, sawdust, or what?

Book 1 is a book you put your name in for work. As the calls come in your name goes to the top of the list of available people.
Book 2 is for those from out of town when there aren't enough local workers to complete all the work in a jurisdiction.

 

[olds8598]

32bj
???

Is that electrical, pipefitters, boilermakers, tin knockers, sawdust, or what?

Book 1 is a book you put your name in for work. As the calls come in your name goes to the top of the list of available people.
Book 2 is for those from out of town when there aren't enough local workers to complete all the work in a jurisdiction.

32bj is the NY union for building service workers. No, no book involved.

 

[olds8598]

I hear what everyone is saying about staying single. I appreciate all the comments and advice. I don't enjoy being single. I didn't before I was married. I searched twenty years for Ms. Right. I thought I found her. Now, I miss being married (not necessarily miss my ex wife.)

 

[ReesePiece23]

I used to feel that way. Sure I'm young, but my last breakup left me feeling pretty dead inside without a woman beside me.

I began to reinvent myself and change my mindset. - Do I need a woman to love? Or is the love from a woman, just a mere bonus that comes with loving and respecting myself first.

I also began to pursue things in life, that I couldn't do if I was in a relationship. Really getting out and seeing the world, meeting new people and so on. - I've had more fun now, than I've had in my entire life, and I've not even had any kind of sexual contact with a woman since my last partner.

Relationships, marriage, sex... It's all overrated and blown out of proportion. Your marriage breaking up isn't the end of you life; for your life is just beginning, on a fresh pasture.

It does take time though. But I think you'll be selling yourself short by jumping straight back in with another woman. There are experiences out there that you don't want to miss out on. We have one mortal life on earth that we know about. Don't squander it, chasing women.

 

[olds8598]

I used to feel that way. Sure I'm young, but my last breakup left me feeling pretty dead inside without a woman beside me.

I began to reinvent myself and change my mindset. - Do I need a woman to love? Or is the love from a woman, just a mere bonus that comes with loving and respecting myself first.

I also began to pursue things in life, that I couldn't do if I was in a relationship. Really getting out and seeing the world, meeting new people and so on. - I've had more fun now, than I've had in my entire life, and I've not even had any kind of sexual contact with a woman since my last partner.

Relationships, marriage, sex... It's all overrated and blown out of proportion. Your marriage breaking up isn't the end of you life; for your life is just beginning, on a fresh pasture.

It does take time though. But I think you'll be selling yourself short by jumping straight back in with another woman. There are experiences out there that you don't want to miss out on. We have one mortal life on earth that we know about. Don't squander it, chasing women.

Impressive advice! Thank you.

One thing I am doing now that doesn't matter which woman or if a woman is in my life: my career change. Redoing the resume, applying online, sending out snail mail resumes and cover letters, relearning the skills of an old industry--these are all solo projects. I will enjoy the "ends": a new and favorable job which allow continued income and more personal time plus a better work environment. I am enjoying the "means": creating the cover letter and resumes, time online applying, reading industry books, etc. Yesterday I spent 3-4 hours doing all this. I had my music on and I was "in the zone. " Another thing for me that doesn't require a woman's presence: resurrecting my business. I started in 2009 and because of no money saved and the first income stream, i.e., a job, was always in flux, it didn't succeed. I want and NEED to be an entrepreneur. I believe this is God's calling for my life. I have this year already started doing things to get it going again. The business' full rebirth efforts won't really kick in until next year after I make the job switch. All the endeavors for the business (redesigning the site, advertising, etc.) are also solo endeavors that put me in the beloved zone. I will be like, "I was on the computer over 3 hours?!"

The woman or wife element slips back into these job and business projects because my ex was my biggest cheerleader for the business and my comforter when I was struggling in the job market. I had typed in my previous post 20 years; it was actually 10. Sharing good news regarding these two career endeavors with my Florida cousin or a friend is not the same, for me, as the sharing I had with my ex.
-------
What adds to my sadness is that SHE took herself out of the union. She ended the marriage. She was not murdered or died in an accident. She decided her family was more important than me and our marriage, and so opted for divorce. She used to say, "I will not leave you. Remember what the priest said? 'In the good times and the bad.'" There's also her brother and his wife's mysterious reversal about me moving in...when they knew I faced eviction. No reason given to my ex. No defense from her.

 

[olds8598]

On a lighter note, I do miss my wife in terms of cleaning the apartment. I jokingly think of calling her and asking, "I know we're divorce, but can you come over and clean the apartment?" Scrubbing the counter-top, cleaning the stove jets, mopping the bathroom floor--not my favorite past-times. Though being a 21st century Renaissance man , I have a chair doubling as a clothes closet.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I hear what everyone is saying about staying single. I appreciate all the comments and advice. I don't enjoy being single. I didn't before I was married. I searched twenty years for Ms. Right. I thought I found her. Now, I miss being married (not necessarily miss my ex wife.)

Which is why you should try being single. Being single and content means being content with yourself and not trying to seek an identity through what a partner brings. I think you'll find that when you can succeed in being single, you'll be a better partner when you do start dating.

The woman or wife element slips back into these job and business projects because my ex was my biggest cheerleader for the business and my comforter when I was struggling in the job market. I had typed in my previous post 20 years; it was actually 10. Sharing good news regarding these two career endeavors with my Florida cousin or a friend is not the same, for me, as the sharing I had with my ex.

Prime symptom of what I said above... You enjoy the validation from others more than the validation from yourself. You think the opinions of other's regarding your success is more important than your own. You have to get to a space where you're just as proud of what you do as what anybody else could be.

What adds to my sadness is that SHE took herself out of the union. She ended the marriage. She was not murdered or died in an accident. She decided her family was more important than me and our marriage, and so opted for divorce. She used to say, "I will not leave you. Remember what the priest said? 'In the good times and the bad.'" There's also her brother and his wife's mysterious reversal about me moving in...when they knew I faced eviction. No reason given to my ex. No defense from her.

Well... Things change. Change with it or get left behind. Not trying to be cruel, just saying... She changed her mind. Something happened or it didn't happen and she left. Show that you can succeed without her. Take pride in your accomplishments, finally understand who you are and your identity and let it go.

As to the "mysterious reversal," there's no mystery in that to me. If my husband and I were on the outs and we were going to move in with my sister and I'd finally decided that I was going to get a divorce and I told my sister/family that, the offer that she'd extended to my husband would be revoked. I think it's obvious that your wife told her family she was leaving and they either revoked the invite because they're no longer obligated to help you, to save your ex discomfort, or because your ex asked them not to. And really, they don't owe you any loyalty, so I wouldn't have expected them to come to your rescue considering the circumstances. Maybe a little naive or trusting on your part to expect otherwise.

 

[ReesePiece23]

By the sound of it, you're in a very similar position to where I was at the start of last year. You're just beginning to visualise a life, where it's just you; with the biggest cheerleader of them all in your corner. - That being God of course and no, I don't see him in a skimpy outfit waving pom poms - ha ha ha!!

But all these career and business plans sound very positive. It is definitely a blessing from the man upstairs and I would be working with God closely as you journey through these endeavours. - Because he's onto something. And it sounds good.

I know all about messed up break ups. A little bit about me; my girlfriend was Hindu. She came from a traditional background and her parents wanted her to have an arranged marriage. If her family found out about us, she would of been killed at worst, or send back to India at best.

So for two years, I woke everyday terrified of losing her, until I eventually did, when during a trip to India she was engaged to a guy by her auntie. She came back and ended it with me there and then. - No explanation (Though I had a hunch) until just recently, when she poured it all out to me. She is to this date, my first and only love. At the time, I contemplated all sorts of silly things... Very nearly threw myself under a train.

But during the time I was heartbroken, I realised that love between a man and a woman is fallible. No one is exempt from being torn apart; everyone is vulnerable to it, because humans are fallible.

But the love between God and us is Guaranteed to last forever. We can be assured that no matter what silly thing we do to displease him, he is still going to love us and provide for us, until we die. He'll be there tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years from now and right up to the bitter end.

So, know that the love you felt for your wife is a mere fraction of the love God feels for you. Rest in that and trust him, he'll provide you a wife when the time is right.

Who knows you, and knows what's best for you better than you do?

God.

 

[olds8598]

Which is why you should try being single. Being single and content means being content with yourself and not trying to seek an identity through what a partner brings. I think you'll find that when you can succeed in being single, you'll be a better partner when you do start dating.



Prime symptom of what I said above... You enjoy the validation from others more than the validation from yourself. You think the opinions of other's regarding your success is more important than your own. You have to get to a space where you're just as proud of what you do as what anybody else could be.



Well... Things change. Change with it or get left behind. Not trying to be cruel, just saying... She changed her mind. Something happened or it didn't happen and she left. Show that you can succeed without her. Take pride in your accomplishments, finally understand who you are and your identity and let it go.

As to the "mysterious reversal," there's no mystery in that to me. If my husband and I were on the outs and we were going to move in with my sister and I'd finally decided that I was going to get a divorce and I told my sister/family that, the offer that she'd extended to my husband would be revoked. I think it's obvious that your wife told her family she was leaving and they either revoked the invite because they're no longer obligated to help you, to save your ex discomfort, or because your ex asked them not to. And really, they don't owe you any loyalty, so I wouldn't have expected them to come to your rescue considering the circumstances. Maybe a little naive or trusting on your part to expect otherwise.

Your comment about being single reminds me when I was in my teens and 20s. I had a very low self-when it came to women and dating. I can recalling at that time seeing a couple, holding hands, acting lovey-dovey, or just standing close that you knew they were "together" and saying to myself "That's not for me. I am not worthy of having a gf." Interestingly since the divorce declaration and the actual procedure, when I see a couple now I don't feel anything--no jealousy, envy, or low self-image.

In terms of validation, you make me think. Whose validation do I prefer--mine or others? Admittedly it is others. This is something I need to work on. Thank you!

In terms of change, yes you are right. Something changed. I prefer a change like a self-improving on self-validation vs. others' validation. Unfortunately, not all change is good.

Show that you can succeed without her. Take pride in your accomplishments, finally understand who you are and your identity and let it go.

Good stuff!!

I agree with virtually everything you said about the mysterious reversal. You actually brought up a very good possibility: that my wife decided on leaving, told her relatives, and the invite was thus revoked. I beg to differ on the trusting and naive parts. Using your notion that wifey decided on leaving, told them, and the invite was reversed--which again, I actually opened my eyes when I read it and agree with its probability--prior to my ex's divorce decision I rightly believed in trusting my brother/sister-in law. I was just over their house in March, a month before the divorce decree, and the SIL gave me food and clothes. They knew of my predicament and as of that weekend the children now knew. I and my wife had spent many wonderful weekends there over the decade of marriage including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. Of all my nieces and nephews, the three children of this couple I was closest to especially the youngest daughter. She was the apple of my eye. My ex, her brother and his wife all knew and loved how I adored this niece. The youngster used to call me her second father.

Thanks to advice like yours, I am looking forward to getting a new job that's 9-5 now to have time to myself. On the weekends I look forward to visiting a museum by myself or sitting on park bench and chatting with neighbors. I actually am looking forward to time by myself FOR MYSELF.

Thanks again!!

 

[olds8598]

By the sound of it, you're in a very similar position to where I was at the start of last year. You're just beginning to visualise a life, where it's just you; with the biggest cheerleader of them all in your corner. - That being God of course and no, I don't see him in a skimpy outfit waving pom poms - ha ha ha!!

But all these career and business plans sound very positive. It is definitely a blessing from the man upstairs and I would be working with God closely as you journey through these endeavours. - Because he's onto something. And it sounds good.

I know all about messed up break ups. A little bit about me; my girlfriend was Hindu. She came from a traditional background and her parents wanted her to have an arranged marriage. If her family found out about us, she would of been killed at worst, or send back to India at best.

So for two years, I woke everyday terrified of losing her, until I eventually did, when during a trip to India she was engaged to a guy by her auntie. She came back and ended it with me there and then. - No explanation (Though I had a hunch) until just recently, when she poured it all out to me. She is to this date, my first and only love. At the time, I contemplated all sorts of silly things... Very nearly threw myself under a train.

But during the time I was heartbroken, I realised that love between a man and a woman is fallible. No one is exempt from being torn apart; everyone is vulnerable to it, because humans are fallible.

But the love between God and us is Guaranteed to last forever. We can be assured that no matter what silly thing we do to displease him, he is still going to love us and provide for us, until we die. He'll be there tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years from now and right up to the bitter end.

So, know that the love you felt for your wife is a mere fraction of the love God feels for you. Rest in that and trust him, he'll provide you a wife when the time is right.

Who knows you, and knows what's best for you better than you do?

God.

LOL for God dressed as the typical cheerleader.

I am looking forward to getting to know myself better, and others. New friends and acquaintances are on my "to-do" after I change my job.

I agree with having God as a business partner and that He's involved in my career projects. There is a scripture that says "For the sake of your name, Lord, lead and guide me." This has become a must-read each day. I also have an old book somewhere with the title "God is MY CEO" or something with God as the CEO. I have no doubt He will lead me to the right job and help my business become a success!

Thanks for sharing your story. My breakup also appears to be based on a cultural issue. Those arranged marriages are something. (My eyes are rolling.) You poor thing, for two years waking up to that fear and then unfortunately it came true . Thankfully you had the inner strength and God's protection not do anything silly. I sometimes would ask God to take in the night. Basically I wanted Him to do 'it' because I never could, no matter the circumstances.

But during the time I was heartbroken, I realised that love between a man and a woman is fallible. No one is exempt from being torn apart; everyone is vulnerable to it, because humans are fallible.

But the love between God and us is Guaranteed to last forever. We can be assured that no matter what silly thing we do to displease him, he is still going to love us and provide for us, until we die. He'll be there tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years from now and right up to the bitter end.

So, know that the love you felt for your wife is a mere fraction of the love God feels for you. Rest in that and trust him, he'll provide you a wife when the time is right.

Who knows you, and knows what's best for you better than you do?

God.

Epic advise and wisdom!

Thank you.

 

[dayhiker]

olds .. I'm with you on wanting a relationship with a woman. I was 1st married when I was 28. Had enjoyed being single up till then but also always had a strong desire to be married. Well my 27 yr marriage ended 7 yrs ago. I did all the single stuff and more the church says we are to do to be comfortable with being single. It didn't change anything for me personal. I'm find being alone. I make a good living, I cook, clean repair my home. Only difference is that my home would be decorated better if I had a woman living in it.
So I date quite a bit, go to dances and generally have as many lady friends as I have guy friends now. This is working my better for me than looking at woman as a cause for sin and separating myself from them. So I don't my into this message to be single and separate yourselves from the opposite sex. I think that can be as unhealthy as they think being around the opposite sex is.