Dating a non-virgin. Need some encouragement

[SadBoi]

First, let me preface this by saying I'm deeply in love with this girl. I think she's beautiful in every single way and that I hope to marry her one day. Besides this one thing, this relationship is really too good to be true.

She and I are at the end of our college careers and are taking this relationship very seriously with the intention of exploring the possibility of marriage. We have set boundaries and are being incredibly open with one another so that there is no funny business and we are not wasting any time. Recently we had a discussion about our pasts and she revealed to me that she has a sexual history that happened after her salvation that haunts her. When she first told me, I was very peaceful about it and hugged her and let her know that God's grace is way more than enough to cover these things and that I still love her with all of my heart.

We date long distance but we met up this weekend and she told me these things in person. I was comforted by the fact that she was so open with me and cares about my heart. At the time I was not upset about it and I really felt the peace of Christ over it, but now that we have gone back to school, I am experiencing deep sadness. I think it's Satan trying to attack me while I'm down and sad that we had to leave each other, but also it's evidence of my own insecurities and sinful heart. I truly don't hold anything against her or love her any less but for some reason I feel really sad about it and am constantly battling thoughts of her being with someone else. While I'm a virgin, I have struggled with lusts in the past and know that I am just as broken, if not more, and it feels like the fact that I'm sad about it is me being selfish and not viewing her with the love of Christ. Instead, I worry about how her past will influence how she sees me and that if this relationship ends in marriage, that she will be comparing me to those past experiences.

I have talked to her and one of my friends about how I am feeling and they constantly are reassuring me that these thoughts and feelings will pass with time and prayer. She has told me that while she still struggles with forgiving herself for her past, that she has not allowed it to be her identity and won't let it affect us. It's comforting to hear that, but I just keep letting my mind wander and it's making me really upset that I can't immediately get over this. I guess I just am looking for encouragement and some practical advice to combat the sinful thoughts and lies Satan is telling me. I'm earnestly praying to God for power and peace, and I am experiencing it from time to time, but not in the way that I would hope.

 

[step_by_step]

Well first let me say that I know lots of very Godly couples where one or both of them had a sexual experience with someone else before marriage. And it doesn't diminish their love for each other or their devotion to God. So you can get past this!

Second, you recognize that Satan is attacking you and that's good. Just keep reminding yourself that it's lies. He's trying to get you to doubt, trying to get you to second-guess yourself. Don't do it. My best advice would be to keep praying. Spend some time in the word. And don't dwell on it. Distract yourself in a constructive way. The less you think about it, the less that Satan can use it against you.

She will not be comparing you to her past experiences, I promise you that. Don't let the enemy sow these seeds of doubt. Stand firm! You can get past it. And God can use this bit of turmoil for good. He can use it to strengthen your relationship with him and with your girlfriend. Just don't give in to the lies and keep on praying. Tell Satan he has no place in your life.

I'll be praying for you and for your relationship.

 

[Tree of Life]

It's very rare for pastors to officiate a marriage between two virgins these days - even amongst committed Christians. This is a sad reality, but it's true.

 

[New Birth]

What your dealing with here my friend is Jealousy nothing more. True love will create a Godly Jealousy and that is the protective get your hands off my girl type of jealousy. The other Jealousy is the thought that some one got to her before you did. This is where the whole comparing you to others comes in. One thing you dont need to do is let her feel that you are insecure. Then she may desire a take charge Alpha male, no anger no jealousy just forgiveness and protection and security. Be the Alpha.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

First, let me preface this by saying I'm deeply in love with this girl. I think she's beautiful in every single way and that I hope to marry her one day. Besides this one thing, this relationship is really too good to be true.

She and I are at the end of our college careers and are taking this relationship very seriously with the intention of exploring the possibility of marriage. We have set boundaries and are being incredibly open with one another so that there is no funny business and we are not wasting any time. Recently we had a discussion about our pasts and she revealed to me that she has a sexual history that happened after her salvation that haunts her. When she first told me, I was very peaceful about it and hugged her and let her know that God's grace is way more than enough to cover these things and that I still love her with all of my heart.

We date long distance but we met up this weekend and she told me these things in person. I was comforted by the fact that she was so open with me and cares about my heart. At the time I was not upset about it and I really felt the peace of Christ over it, but now that we have gone back to school, I am experiencing deep sadness. I think it's Satan trying to attack me while I'm down and sad that we had to leave each other, but also it's evidence of my own insecurities and sinful heart. I truly don't hold anything against her or love her any less but for some reason I feel really sad about it and am constantly battling thoughts of her being with someone else. While I'm a virgin, I have struggled with lusts in the past and know that I am just as broken, if not more, and it feels like the fact that I'm sad about it is me being selfish and not viewing her with the love of Christ. Instead, I worry about how her past will influence how she sees me and that if this relationship ends in marriage, that she will be comparing me to those past experiences.

I have talked to her and one of my friends about how I am feeling and they constantly are reassuring me that these thoughts and feelings will pass with time and prayer. She has told me that while she still struggles with forgiving herself for her past, that she has not allowed it to be her identity and won't let it affect us. It's comforting to hear that, but I just keep letting my mind wander and it's making me really upset that I can't immediately get over this. I guess I just am looking for encouragement and some practical advice to combat the sinful thoughts and lies Satan is telling me. I'm earnestly praying to God for power and peace, and I am experiencing it from time to time, but not in the way that I would hope.

Well, you are not dating the Virgin Mary, and you are not Jesus, and so you are equal in God's sight and the issue with her becomes a non-issue. We all have a sinful past which Jesus died on the cross for and shed His blood to enable God's forgiveness and cleansing. So it is a matter of what God calls clean, we should not be calling unclean.

Realistically, her being a non-virgin may solve a lot of problems on your wedding night! So, see the bucket as half full rather than half empty!

 

[New Birth]

Well, you are not dating the Virgin Mary, and you are not Jesus, and so you are equal in God's sight and the issue with her becomes a non-issue. We all have a sinful past which Jesus died on the cross for and shed His blood to enable God's forgiveness and cleansing. So it is a matter of what God calls clean, we should not be calling unclean.

Realistically, her being a non-virgin may solve a lot of problems on your wedding night! So, see the bucket as half full rather than half empty!

You couldnt be more right about the wedding night issues.
Oneness Pentecostal?

 

[Darkhorse]

I agree with others that you are under attack, and you should treat it as such, with Scripture and prayer.

My wife was not a virgin when I met her, and neither was I. That didn't pose a problem for us then, and it never has (married 28 years so far). I even met the guy who was my wife's former lover. In some ways, he was a better "catch" than I, in other ways...not so much.

The important thing is: she chose me, not him. All other comparisons are irrelevant.
She had the chance to go back to him after we met, but she stayed with me.

Likewise, some of my former partners were "better" in specific ways, but overall they don't even come close to my wife. They only cross my mind in appreciating what a wonderful woman God matched me with. He matched qualities within us that we were not even aware of.

If you haven't already, seek His will in this relationship, and follow it.
God's wisdom and love will amaze you - again.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

We date long distance but we met up this weekend and she told me these things in person. I was comforted by the fact that she was so open with me and cares about my heart. At the time I was not upset about it and I really felt the peace of Christ over it, but now that we have gone back to school, I am experiencing deep sadness. I think it's Satan trying to attack me while I'm down and sad that we had to leave each other, but also it's evidence of my own insecurities and sinful heart. I truly don't hold anything against her or love her any less but for some reason I feel really sad about it and am constantly battling thoughts of her being with someone else. While I'm a virgin, I have struggled with lusts in the past and know that I am just as broken, if not more, and it feels like the fact that I'm sad about it is me being selfish and not viewing her with the love of Christ. Instead, I worry about how her past will influence how she sees me and that if this relationship ends in marriage, that she will be comparing me to those past experiences.

On the sex end of things even if your worse fears are true (which is a maybe and not a certainty), the Sex end of things should get better with time. The one thing you got going for each other is you care about each other, and there should be no regrets with getting involved, unlike if she was in a relationship with a "bad boy" where she knows the whole thing in the end is a dead end as far as a future is concerned. That sort of thing actually affects satisfaction as much as all the physical stuff does.


As far as the obsessive part of things you might consider some personal cognitive therapy. That's easy enough to do on your own without seeing a therapist. I personally recommend Rational Emotive therapy.

On the issue of emotions and beliefs I would offer you this perspective. Even if your worse fears become true (which is just a possibility and definitely not a certainty). I believe this event would not be the end of the world. What I'm saying is the old saying about "their are other fish in the sea" and so on. Now the fact, that your in love doesn't help things as far as objectivity goes because our brain tends to put chemicals that are essentially narcotics, but it something to consider when you are experiencing negative emotions and want to think about the "what if the worse happened" end of things. In reading your profile, I get the feeling that you have a lot to offer, when it comes to the mating end of things. So please always consider that and hopefully you can take comfort in it, and maybe help those negative emotions to mellow out!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

You couldnt be more right about the wedding night issues.
Oneness Pentecostal?

Nope. Traditional. Merger of Westminster Confession and current use of the supernatural gifts of the Spirit. I may be criticised for this, but I believe one has to believe in the Trinity in order to be saved.

 

[jkjk]

I worry about how her past will influence how she sees me and that if this relationship ends in marriage, that she will be comparing me to those past experiences.

Don't worry about it. She is with you, not them. She probably respects you more than them for staying true to your values. If she is everything you say she is, then they should be jealous of you, not the other way around. Don't worry if you are adequate. Know you are more than adequate (She probably wouldn't marry you if she wasn't attracted to you, after all). And like all other parts of your relationship, know that will grow together in this part as well. Think of it like an exploration, not like a test.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

First, let me preface this by saying I'm deeply in love with this girl. I think she's beautiful in every single way and that I hope to marry her one day. Besides this one thing, this relationship is really too good to be true.

She and I are at the end of our college careers and are taking this relationship very seriously with the intention of exploring the possibility of marriage. We have set boundaries and are being incredibly open with one another so that there is no funny business and we are not wasting any time. Recently we had a discussion about our pasts and she revealed to me that she has a sexual history that happened after her salvation that haunts her. When she first told me, I was very peaceful about it and hugged her and let her know that God's grace is way more than enough to cover these things and that I still love her with all of my heart.

We date long distance but we met up this weekend and she told me these things in person. I was comforted by the fact that she was so open with me and cares about my heart. At the time I was not upset about it and I really felt the peace of Christ over it, but now that we have gone back to school, I am experiencing deep sadness. I think it's Satan trying to attack me while I'm down and sad that we had to leave each other, but also it's evidence of my own insecurities and sinful heart. I truly don't hold anything against her or love her any less but for some reason I feel really sad about it and am constantly battling thoughts of her being with someone else. While I'm a virgin, I have struggled with lusts in the past and know that I am just as broken, if not more, and it feels like the fact that I'm sad about it is me being selfish and not viewing her with the love of Christ. Instead, I worry about how her past will influence how she sees me and that if this relationship ends in marriage, that she will be comparing me to those past experiences.

I have talked to her and one of my friends about how I am feeling and they constantly are reassuring me that these thoughts and feelings will pass with time and prayer. She has told me that while she still struggles with forgiving herself for her past, that she has not allowed it to be her identity and won't let it affect us. It's comforting to hear that, but I just keep letting my mind wander and it's making me really upset that I can't immediately get over this. I guess I just am looking for encouragement and some practical advice to combat the sinful thoughts and lies Satan is telling me. I'm earnestly praying to God for power and peace, and I am experiencing it from time to time, but not in the way that I would hope.

Concerning her past. If she is a genuine converted believer, God has forgotten her past. He says, "Your sins and iniquities I will remember no more". So if God has forgotten her past, how could it have any influence on your attitude to her?

 

[Jonaitis]

You're not "under attack," these are normal feelings you are experiencing, because you are aware that this is not how it should be. Our culture is encouraging what destroys potentially healthy relationships, and there will continue to be more problems in society as things get worse.

But, I will be praying.

 

[johnbastion]

It looks like you are already emotionally attached to this girl and blindsided to any red flags you may otherwise see.
To God, marriage is for life and that means you have one chance to get this right.
If you are constantly thinking about the fact that she was intimate with other men - that in itself is a smoke screen to hoodwink you.
How did you meet this woman? Was it through counsel of godly elders? Have you both been to pre-marital counseling?
Not trying to be hard - but don't you see marriage is too precious to risk it?
The Word of God is never wrong.
In the future, if you both do get married, and if there would be troubles along the way - guess what would be coming first to your mind?

So, be absolutely sure what you're getting into. If she is not spiritual though she is repentant...she will take you down.