Dating A Lukewarm Christian

[Lia]

Hi Everyone,

I know this is a forum about an unequally-yoked marriage... but I believe I could get some wise counsels I need about this guy I've been dating for the last couple of months. We like each other a lot and there is a possibility that we are going to get more serious in the future. He claims to be a Christian and said that he used to go to church in the past but not anymore now. He gave me an excuse that right now his only focus is school (he goes to school full time) and books keep him busy so he has no time going to church or focusing on church activities.

We had some discussions about this before...he knows that I am passionate about God and church. He said that someday when school is over and he has a good job or business, then going to church would be a commodity for him. But not right now, he said he doesn't want to focus to be a "good Christian" . We got into little arguments a few times before because I always try to drag him out to church with me when he can (like over the holidays). But he actually thanked me later on when we eventually went to church because he admitted it that it's good for him.

He is a very cool person with very unique personalities that compliment mine and I enjoy being with him a lot... but his uncommital act/heart toward the Lord bothers me a lot, especially if I try to imagine future with him. He assured me a little while ago that he would love to start going to church with me but not every week (distance issue) and asked me to give him time too.

This whole thing confuses me - I'm not sure if I should break it off with him or give him time to change. I tried breaking it off with him but it didn't work - either of us would find a way to see each other again since our chemistry is pretty strong. I don't want to stop seeing him...but at the same time, I don't want to be blinded by this and try hard to seek and obey the Lord's guidance. I am very confused on what I should do.

Any counsels or insights from you out there? Thank you in advance.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I will try to keep my response brief.

I believe you are seeing red flags. My personal experience is that I "said" the prayer of salvation when I was 17, I told people I was a Christian, and witnessed, prayed to God and believed He was in control, but I was 28 and married when I finally had the heart changing, repentful moment when I turned from my sinnful ways and completely trusted that God's will in my life was what I wanted no matter what it was. I spent ten years claiming to be aChristian, but was not. My point is saying your a Christian will not make you one, there are many who say a prayer, that doesn't mean they experienced a change of heart or had true repentence or completely trusted and believed. He says you will know them by thier fruits,

I would be very hesitant to be involved with somebody who thinks it's okay to put other things such as school above God on their priority list. In his defiense, could be backsliden, I understand there are those who do fall away from God, but it's not something I would take a chance on, being married to an unbeliever no matter by accident or by choice is a hard path to take. There have been multiple people who post in here that discuss how they were told their spouse was a Christian, now they will not attend church ect. going to Church isn't a way to tell either, prayer and searching for discernment. Look for somebody who there is no doubt in you is filled with the Holy Spirit.

 

[Child of JC]

Good post roxannacc.

It's agony being married to someone who does not share the same beleifs. My girlfriend and I were talking the other day, and we agreed that even if our hubbies said the prayer, (which of course we would rejoice, as long it did not end with that). But what we long for is to have our spouses with us in church. A prayer partner. A study partner. I'm longing to have someone to share my joy with, and my true joy is always found in God, so my hubbie does not share because he does not understand. I want God at the center of my marriage, and as long as God is not in the center of my husband's life then it can not be. You might find yourself in the same situation, as long as your guy has other things at the center of his world.

 

[bliz]

I would not expect anything is going to change. When he is done with school, he is going to want to focus on his career, or something else.

If he wanted there to be a place in his life for God, there would be, right now, attending church or not. Does he talk about God? About his spiritual or prayer life?
Do you see any fruits of the Spirit in Him?

You know what you need to do, you just don't want to do it.

You mentioned that going to church on a weekly basis was hard becasue of distance - distance to you or to a specific church? Have you considered going to one that is not such a distance?

 

[kayd1966]

Good posts Ladies...

I would have to agree with everyone here. The fact that you are looking for advice tells me that you know this is not right. If you have been praying about this relationship and seeking God's will first in your life, then I believe you know what God is saying. Prolonging it by waiting for the bolt of lightening from heaven is not going to make the decision to put Christ first in ALL aspects of your life any easier.

If this man really is a Christian and really does love the Lord then he would have his priorities in line with scripture...school is not first in the Bible. If he is backslidden, then you are still looking at an unequally yoked relationship because you are not seeking the same thing...you are not striving together for the Lord.

A marriage like most of us have here is not an easy road. Its full of loneliness, hurt, struggles, secrets, misunderstandings, etc....I'm sure others can finish this list.

Seek the Lord's face and really listen to Him.

Chemistry doesn't make a marriage, no matter what the world tells us in TV shows, magazines & movies. The Chemistry fades and then you are left with the man you chose. The man you are starting to really see. The man who has told you that he will have time for God later. The Bible is very clear that 'later' doesn't cut it. As Christians, we are to Seek Him and Serve Him...no where does it say that we are to establish ourselves in this world with education, career, money, fine things AND then go and seek God. We are to lean on Him for everything and through everything.

School can be very stressful (I know, my hubby has his PhD which =s 19years of school!), wouldn't this be the time to lean on the Lord? Instead, your bf is doing it on his own strength and wanting to establish his job/career before he has time to go to church. I see a lot of red flags...when things are going well, he will not have time for God unless God changes his heart.

Praise the Lord and Thank Him for opening your eyes now, before you say "I Do".

I know that I've been pretty blunt here, please don't take offence.

I am in a marriage that is wonderful in many ways but its not the marriage that God wanted me in...please notice that I didn't say that I married the wrong man, because I don't know that. What I do know, is that I married him at the WRONG time. He was not a Christian and he still isn't...many times I wonder, IF I had stood up for what I believed instead of ignoring God's Word, Would my husband be a Christian today? What we do with God's Word is a witness to others. My husband watched me come down the aisle, say I do, sign some papers and commit myself to him...he also saw me walk down the aisle, say I do, sign some papers and commit myself to him IN DISOBEDIENCE TO GOD.

How can I expect him to obey God's Word about salvation when I set a bad example by disobeying God's Word about marriage.

Please get on your knees and seek God's face...and obey HIM.

Don't obey the chemistry you feel with your boyfriend...it will not carry you through the rough times and it will not teach your children about God, it will not pray with your children at night and it will not spend time in prayer with you.

I am praying for you...

 

[JamieGraham]

Chemistry is just that AND it takes two people in this case.

Soul and spiritual committment is from within one's person.

If spirituality and devotion were in him - even with school and the busy excuses - you would see it appear in various ways -even other than going to chruch.

- READ THE STATEMENTS BELOW ** RE-READ WITH YOUR ANSWERS 5 TIMES.

- WRITE THE ANSWERS DOWN SO YOU CAN REALIZE THE TRUTH - NOT WHAT YOU MAY WANT TO BELIEVE.

- REALLY LISTEN AND "HEAR" THE FACTS......... I THINK YOU ALREADY HAVE!

HERE WE GO ...........

1) Do you 'SEE' any real actions that indicate his spirituality and committment towards the Lord ?? Without your involvement. Speaking about it is not action - it does not count. I would NOT lay heavy or valid weight in empty promises - ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN IT COMES TO THE LORD..

Note - Yes people do change - but your beliefs and committment to God comes from your soul - within your every being. It does not take two people to feel, express or possess this - right! Isn't it in 'you' naturally- or do you need to be convinced to be spiritual? Spirituality and devotion to the Lord is very different than chemistry between two people - it IS not comaprable. Partners may come and go -
God does not!!!

2) Watch his actions - silence in your mind his banter and promises.
If it continues to be the same or his spiritual and dedication to the Lord does not appear - proceed to step 3!

3) MOVE ON AND STAY TRUE TO YOUR COURSE IN LIFE. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER ALREADY.

4) Still wondering.........OK.....HERES IS ANOTHER POINT...........

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO PUT HIM BEFORE LORD IN YOUR LIFE? ??? ???

Do the right thing by the Lord - Blessing to you ....

 

[free4all]

Hi Lia,

I commend you for asking for counsel. You've gotten a lot of good comments. I agree with them. I just want to add a few things.

You mentioned sometimes your b/f is willing to go with you to church. I have observed other non-committed men who regularly attended church with their fiances while dating, only to drop out of church after marriage. And your b/f isn't even going with you on a regular basis. How far is he going to drop out after marriage?

I have also observed that sometimes one who knows about God but has rejected what he knows, can be even more antagonistic and difficult to live with than a nonbeliever who knows little about God. And not choosing for God when given the choice is actively rejecting God, although people in that situation will rarely characterize it as such.

Don't expect him to change. It could happen, but we cannot force our mates to make the right choice. If that were so, we wouldn't have this Unequally Yoked section. Do you really want to take the chance of spending your life spiritually alone in a marriage?

The best advice I can give you is to read the older threads in this Unequally Yoked section. This will show you what your future will likely be if you marry this man. You cannot guarantee he will accept Christ. Do you think it's possible to cajole him into being a Christian? He won't even attend church regularly with you now. How much more difficult will it be to drag him into living his life full-time for Christ? You cannot decide for this man. He has decided against Christ. Saying that you plan to decide for Christ in the future is an admission you have decided against Christ now.

Is it possible your b/f will accept Christ later? Yes. But how many years of your life do you want to sacrifice for his indecision? And there is no guarantee he will accept Christ later. It's normal to be concerned for your b/f, but you don't have to be married to someone in order to pray for them.

As was said before, there will always be something more important than God for people who reject Him. It may be business, hobbies, etc. There are plenty of excuses for someone who is not interested.

You mentioned he complements your personality. These are the same traits that may cause strain later. Life and marriage are hard enough, but when one partner is rejecting God....

If you only knew what was ahead for you, you would thank God you weren't married and still had time to decide otherwise.

I encourage you to check out the older threads, especially in this section but also in the Marriage section.

I care about you and hope you make the right choice. I married a girl I thought was a Christian, but soon afterwards she decided God wasn't important. This affects every decision we make as a couple, and not in a good way. It's been over 15 years, and she goes to church with me once every couple of years. And then complains about it during and after. Do you really want to live with someone who criticizes the things of God on a daily basis?

I care about you, sister. You are headed for a train wreck, and you are the only one who can decide to get off the train. It's picking up speed. The longer you delay your decision, the worse it's going to be for you when/if you decide to jump off. And if you choose to go along for the entire ride, it won't be what you expected or want.

If you care about yourself and any children of yours that may come along later, do all of yourselves a tremendous service: let your b/f reject God on his own time.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Good point, my Dh promised me he would go to church every sSunday with me after we got married, he's been twice, the first weekend after we married and when my son was dedicated.

 

[kayd1966]

My husband used to go to church with me too...but if you read some of the older threads, you will see that it was a bargaining chip for him to get what he wanted.

Very good points by all...please take heed to the council that has been given you.

Still praying for you...God Bless

 

[Lia]

Thank you very much for all the responses. I really appreciate all the wisdom and insights here.. good to hear from all of you who went through this road before. I am currently still processing this issue in my mind... if you can, please keep me in prayers so that God will give me strength to put Him first in my life.

Thanks again.
Lia

 

[kayd1966]

praying for you

 

[hockeywifeca]

Sweetie, I know how hard this is. I'm only new to the forums, but not to the pain of being unequally yoked. Add to it two small girls who cry because they are so afraid Daddy will go to Hell, and it's no picnic.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Lia how are you doing?

 

[sara700]

Stop.

(and save yourself a lot of heartache. on some level you know--which is why you're here--as well as I do that a lukewarm Christian is the same as a non-believer. being unequally yoked is nothing but pain and longing. you are lucky enough to be saved before marraige. don't throw this precious gift God has given you away.)

 

[kayd1966]

sara...good to see you around again...have you seen the check-in thread?

Lia, we'd love to hear how you are doing...God Bless...

 

[Lia]

Thanks everyone to keep on checking on me... I trully appreciate your care to me.

I'm still seeing this guy (Henry)... but things have been going not so good. Not intending to judge him but he has been very selfish lately. I think I mentioned before, he's still going to school - finishing his bachelor's degree and we live far from each other....so he doesn't call me or talk to me that often, saying that he's really busy. When he's busy, he doesn't like to be bothered...when I tried to call him, he didn't pick it up and I didn't hear from him for almost like a week. I had to email him asking if he still wants to see me then he better communicate and act like he does. Then he quickly called me and I've been seeing that he tries to cooperate and change a bit. But deep inside, I know that I think this is not going to work... there is no deep communication/connection and God definitely is not at the center of our relationship - it's been difficult for me.

Yet at the same time, I really want to be able to have a chance to witness/share about God to him. He brings out one side of me that is very good and he encourages me a lot.. so part of me don't want to let him go and see if I can do the same to him and pray that God can use me to share about Him to Henry. Honestly, I don't really expect much from this relationship anymore.. I don't think it's gonna end up in marriage.

So please keep me and Henry in prayers if you can - that I could just be a good friend to him and a good witness as a Christian. Please pray that he would be saved also.

Thanks again!!

 

[free4all]

Thanks for the update, Lia. It's good to hear from you. We will certainly continue to pray for you and for Henry's salvation.

 

[savedbygracebre]

Okay, a couple of things. First off if he is a born again believer(which it sounds like you have your doubts) then start really noticing some of his character traits. A true new creation in Christ will have some of these:
1. he will long and care for everything that is God's and not the things of the world.
2. he will or should have a strong desire to read the bible and go to church as often as he can.
3. he will love fellow believers and will strongly desire fellowship with them.
4. he will really enjoy talking of the things of God or about God.
Now someone mentioned the fruits of the spirit which are gentleness, humility, meekness, long-suffering and more. These things should also be character traits.
Basically i can tell you these things because i sound like your boyfriend use to be before i came to Christ. My wife(who is not a saved person, but believes in Jesus) used to have to drag me to church. I diddn't really care for the things of God because i was more concerned for what i could do for me. It was ALL ABOUT ME. Now it's all about HIM. My credo: God first then family then work. Without God you would not have a family or a job since He has provided both. Speak of the scriptures or parables in the bible and ask him what they mean(if he does know the things of God he should know the answers). Kind of play like you don't understand the verse and ask his opionion, trust me with a little time for him to think on it he should have an idea OR HE SHOULD HAVE A DESIRE TO WANT TO KNOW. Hope i can help. God bless.

 

[Nyangi]

Hi all,

I'm new CF. Lia, perhaps hearing from someone who's been thru something similar will help...

I was dating a wonderful man for almost 3 years. In fact, because of our relationship, I lost an old friend (she maintains I 'stole' him from her). He's Catholic but not practicing and doesn't believe fully in the Bible and most importantly is not born again. We live in different continents so the fact that we were able to maintain a 'good' relationship for such a long time (seeing each other 4-6 times a year for about 10 days at a time) made me think I had it made. He'd met my family and my they love him. His family loves me. He's everything I would want my husband to be.

Just over a week ago, when I was visiting him, I broke up with him. A very tough decision coz I kept wondering to myself if I'd ever meet and marry anyone like him. Thank God that I have His Word and that He's surrounded me with wise people who've reminded me to seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and to trust Him. None of us knows what the future holds so don't feel like you'll be missing out on something great if you break up with your boyfriend - God will reward your faithfullness to HIM.

Ask God for His strength to help you break up and submit your will to His. Pray for your boyfriend (as I pray daily for my ex) that God will give him peace about your decision and give him an understanding of why you made the decision. Most of all pray for his true salvation for that's God's greatest wish for us all.

Be blessed,
Nyangi

 

[hugnluvable]

Hi Lia, I'm sorry you're having to go through with this. Your boyfriend sounds just like my ex before I met Pete, and he was a Christian- it just wasnt working.

I'd just go for it and dump him! Blunt I know, but the amount of freedom I felt, the chains were broken! I didnt have to worry about no contact, no replies, no arguing about future plans. And I'm so glad I did! You can be blessed in the same way - or even more!

I'm praying for you sweetheart
Erica
xxx