Daily Journal Of A Suicide Survivor [Graphic]

DISCLAIMER THIS HAS STUFF THAT SQUEAMISH PEOPLE SHOULD NOT READ..I wanted to be blunt and honest here. So upfront please know that this is some very graphic content.

I have thought about this and some dear friends here thought maybe it would help me and perhaps someone else as well.

On Memorial day 2018, My life changed forever. I drove to my 69 year old Dad's house to visit with him and take him shopping, as he didn't like to drive in town.
I had talked to him the night before and he said to come early in the morning because he wanted to get back home before it got so hot outside.
He and I both talked for awhile about assorted things and the weather like always and I said ok, see ya in the morning, Love ya Dad, [ We always told each other love ya]
So as I drove the 70 miles to Dads that morning I hit some heavy fog and picked up my cell phone and called Dad to tell him I was on my way but was taking longer than usual because of the foggy conditions, But I got the message machine so I just left him a message.

I drove the rest of the way and he never returned my call which I thought to be strange as he always called right back? So I thought well maybe he was in the shower or something?

As I pulled in though I sensed something was wrong, [Call it a 6th sense] I do not know how to explain this, However I just knew something was wrong.

I walked up to the door and knocked and turned the handle at the same time as usual and it was unlocked, As I opened the door I saw it was very dark [No lights in house on] No smell of coffee as was the norm for when I came over, and also I heard the answering machine beeping.
I knew then "immediately" something was wrong and started yelling Dad, Dad.
I ran down the dark hallway to see Him laying on the bed at the foot of it and my heart dropped to my feet as there was blood everywhere.
I ran in and grabbed his wrist checking for a pulse and he was so cold, I was crying and saying oh no Daddy no, no, no.
I still didn't see the gun and I called 911 and said I just found my Dad and he is dead I don't what has happened and there is blood everywhere and Oh my God help me and she said Sir, Is there a gun there?
and as I looked, There on the floor lay the Ruger pistol.
He had sat down on the foot of the bed, In front of the glass gun case, Took his glasses off and laid them beside himself, placed the pistol his mouth and pulled the trigger.

It hit me what he had done then, I cannot explain the thought and emotions I was having. There is just no way, So I just sat with him crying and asking him why? why did you wanna leave me this way. Why Dad, you are my best friend and my Dad and I need you Dad why. It took over 45 minutes for an ambulance to get there and nearly and hour for the cops to arrive.
I just sat there and held on to him and cried as I looked at the horror that lay before me.
I will not go into details but I will say as gruesome as this was and amongst all the blood He did have a very peaceful look on his face and his eyes were shut.
As an Emt and law enforcement chaplain of many years, I have seen a lot of bad things and multiple deaths from babies and children to 110 year olds, I have performed CPR on multiple people and seen very grizzly things with these eyes.
But this particular one, Even though not as gruesome as many I have seen was by far the worst. It has affected me greatly and folks, I have seen some bad things.
But nothing like that of my Daddy lying there like that.
I have been trained in suicide aftercare management and police officer suicide, Officer shooting debriefing and I also have a certification in christian counseling. I have been called to the sheriffs office to perform death notifications for them and counsel many families of suicide victims. I know that side of the table quite well.
I know what I should have been able to say for myself, However that very day, My training was nowhere to be found. I couldn't remember anything and was in a perpetual fog.
I ask Chaplain Dave, I said, you know us chaplains are here for everyone, But where do we go when it is us? He agreed that is a great question and one many others ask. I had Tapps military counselors call me, But they said that they had pulled my records I was more trained than their counselors were, so they ask if there was any other way they could help? I said like usual, No I am fine as God is at the helm, Do not take this wrong, Tapps is awesome and they have been a true blessing as they have called regularly to check on me and just see how I am and if I need anything? They are truly special and I am forever indebted for the love that they have shown me during this time. My point is that I have spent my life studying and learning how to help others find hope and cope and I can't help myself right now it would seem. But I do know that when Jesus is all you have, He is all you need. He is holding me and guiding me through this and I know I will prevail because Jesus is my everything. When I gave my life to Him, I didn't mean twice a week and for two hours on Sunday. I gave Him my life completely and therefore I know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I will post more along as I go, If this is ok and people are interested. Love you guys and feel free to ask any question you like because I am an open book.

Many things do not add up. I guess they never do in reality but Dad had written his grocery list and had it on the table. Listed all he needed and at the bottom was a phone number written.
The cops ask me if I had written it down, And I said no, and ask whos number was it? They said it was the number to the sheriffs office. Sigh. Idk This is enough for tonight and if you guys are interested I will talk more about it and my feelings tomorrow :] Bless and love you all.

So about Dad, He was a Marine veteran of the vietnam war
[I now know of three tours, at first I thought two, But found out it was three]
He was a true, "salute the flag Marine". Everyone who met him said you must have been a drill instructor? lol
He was "gung Ho'' to say the least.
He loved to hunt and fish and people always wondered how he could drop a deer at 4-500 often as he did and he just didn't miss it seemed.
I have seen him do some amazing things.
One day in particular we were in the deer woods and walking along real slowly and quietly and he grabbed my arm and said stop. I looked at him and he had [What I call the thousand yard stare] in his eyes and it is a look that is very hard to explain.
Then I realized that there was a helicopter flying overhead. After it was gone he let go of me and was fine. I never ask him anything, I just thought maybe he had a flashback or something.
I know as he talked about Nam, His eyes would turn real distant and he became very different.
After the war he returned to find the country he fought for throwing rocks at them and calling them baby killers. He never got over this as he kept saying what did I do wrong?
So sad.

So Dad worked on the farm during the day and met my mom, they got married and had me and then when I was two years old, They divorced. [They were still friends at the end of all this]
He then took a factory job at night and became a lithographer
he retired from that job and then started another factory job and retired from that as well. He was a hard worker.

I will skip everything else at this point and go to my situation at this time.

I have been in a strange fog since this begin, It's like, Not really living in reality, It is all the emotions one has inside them going on all at once. Like the fight or flight emotions has gotten stuck and you are confused on whether to run or stay.
The first couple of weeks I slept with a nightlight on and I am 6.2 and a really big guy, but I was so mortified.
Dad was my hero and it seems that I am alone to face the evil in the world now. lol

He told me that he was proud of me often and whenever we would go to town and see someone he knew, He would introduce me by saying "this is my son, Pastor Scotty" That made me feel good inside knowing he was proud of my devotion to the Lord.
I miss him so much.
Day by day, Hour by hour I go over what happened and the why always comes back. It is an answer I will never get on this earth I know. The last few months Dad and I held weekly bible studies and I would go to his house and we would drink coffee and I would read and discuss scripture with him. He seemed to love this and every week he looked forward to it.
Oh how I would love to go back to that last study..
It is 9am here and I am up having coffee and my devontial, I plan to have a good day. :]

Had a good day yesterday, I preached yesterday morning and then loaded up in the truck after church went to the woods. 250,000 acre of wilderness in the national forest and I drove and drove and drove I done some four wheeling and went to a creek in the middle of nowhere and took out the Ruger pistol and put a few rounds through her. I really enjoyed myself greatly and I needed that. Saw a bunch of deer with new fawns and some wild hogs. Feeling strong.

Thanks guys I am doing ok, I had a good day yesterday again and I plan another one one today :]
Of course the pain is there but one just swallows it down and goes forth.
I know without a doubt that when I am down, God will carry me, That gives me the strength to march on.
I thank God that I am as blessed as I am everyday, I have so much to be thankful for.
Thank you for being there throughout with all the love and encouragement. I am very thankful to my family here on CF

Good morning, It is the 4th of July and I am just having my morning coffee. I had a rough night and a lot of the problem was because I got loaded in chiggers in the woods the other day, So now I can't stop itching lol. I ma praying for a better day today as yesterday was awful.
I had been holding so strong and then the bottom dropped out yesterday morning after talking with lawyers over family issues.
Since Dad left me everything, The others wanted to try and contest it but the lawyer said they can't, They are just mad and striking out at me. [Which seems strange as they left Dad 15 years ago and I took care of him and was right there for him, So why be mad at me?]
My friend had his sons funeral [He shot himself the other day] So I am going to check on him today, Maybe we can help one another right now.
I just do not understand suicide and especially the "no note or I love you or nothing" Just gone...
I hope these tidal waves of emotions don't last long. I am usually rock solid but here lately I have been a mess. I know God is going to use this mess and make a message and my trust is in Him fully,
I know that no weapon formed against me may prosper.

LovesOurLord said:

I'm sorry what happened and I'm sorry you were the one to find him. I had a friend commit suicide just over a month ago, and it will always baffle me and her other friends and family.

I worked in a hospital for 16 years and death is different when it's a stranger. Yes, you can feel sad and cry for them, but it's another animal entirely when it's a loved one of your own.

My mother died suddenly when I was 16 years old. I am so thankful my older sister spared me seeing her and went to the hospital. I still sometimes cry about her death and I am now 48 years old. I remember a year after she died how I had these tidal waves of grief hit me so badly that I felt like I was going to collapse. I had to stop walking to brace my legs to hold myself upright.

A few years ago I was hired by the hospital she died in for a job in the OR. I thought enough time had passed to where I could go there without trouble, but I was wrong. Just going in there to give my urine sample caused that old grief to appear in me and I was in tears before I left the building. It wasn't just any grief, but that crippling, deep grief from 1987 which nearly buckled my legs. I felt it again though not as severe. I immediately recognized it when I felt it and my mind instantly went back to the summer of 87.

Besides praying for you, sir, may I suggest you consider grief therapy? The wounds of what you saw are something you should not have to deal with alone. Trained therapists can help you work through it.

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So sorry for your suffering dear friend. The pain of unexpected death is traumatizing and I wouldn't wish it on no one. I pray healing for you. I fully understand what you are saying about the act of going into the place. Everytime I have to walk into Dads house I am overwhelmed and it makes me sick.
I still smell gunpowder and blood but the few other people I have let in, Say that they can't smell anything
I have cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and I think it is still there but guess it is just ingrained in my mind?
I have Dads house really looking good and shining.
Bless you friend and I am here if ya ever need a friend to talk too :]

drjean said:

((((Scotty)))) just finding this... must be a reason.
Still concerned about you my friend... grief sneaks up on you, you know, don't let it get to you, too.

Your dad was definitely unhappy and hopeless about something, maybe many things, but he did plan this, even got the sheriff's number for you to call (old timer used regular number, not 9-1-1?) Anyway, this was his decision and not yours, you had nothing to do with this, no fault of yours, obviously he knew you were a good son!

He didn't leave a note because he talked to you the night before...and you shared the I love ya's... that's what he wanted you to keep in your heart, his last words like that.

I missed if you have shared if he was a believer (though you alluded to it when he was so proud to show off his preacher son ) That makes the grieving different...

If you bottom out again, I can drive up there to lead you back up... meet for coffee some place... you have a friend in me.

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Thank You my Sister and I am actually doing quite well, I have ask God to take my pain and make something good come out of it and I believe He will.
I of course am human and I have some weak moments where my heart just breaks, but all in all I know without a shadow of a doubt that God will provide and help me.
I do have many things still to work out with the extended family and so forth, But it is ok, The more they hate me, The more determined I am to love them and forgive them.
Bless you and I look forward to meeting with you some day and having coffee