Hello. I'm 20 years old and been Christian pretty much my entire life. I lived my whole life being the 'nice' person people always like, saying things like "You're such a good kid", which I would hear growing up.
The majority of people I know, friends and family, deal with stress usually in a wrong way, whether drinking or drugs. My whole life my parents would drink, and although not alcoholics, they would say it's fine to do it casually to relax, but I still never wanted to drink. Getting older, I started getting stressed out more often (teen years) and didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to drink or do drugs, so I decided to just look at porn, since sexual release seemed natural compared to the other options. I probably looked at porn once a day, but nothing too serious, but it got worse.
I eventually started questioning porn, hearing bad things about it and how the people were treated, it made me not really like it. It felt fake, so I found something more real, chat rooms. I started going in chat rooms to see what they were like, and being able to talk to actual people was almost like a drug in itself. After trying cyber sex for a while, I got hooked. It allowed me to do any fantasy I wanted, and the person on the other end wasn't doing it for money like in porn, they actually wanted to do the fantasy as well.
I convinced myself I was fine and it was just a natural way to release sexual tension and other stress. As I got toward my age I'm at now, I had more detailed fantasies I wanted to play out.
I started getting attracted to older women, I guess you could say cougars as refereed to in society. It was a fantasy, and I started playing it out with older women. After a while of doing this, I came across a website with married couples/husbands/wives. After checking out that site for a while, I realized my fantasy grew to the point of where it is today, which is not just older women, but married women. I know it's wrong, but I think that's what keeps me coming back. I've been good my whole life, and it's almost like I am rebelling by doing this.
Every time I do something, I feel so guilty and depressed. I don't want to be like this. I read stories of women or men cheating and I would never want to cheat on my future wife or have her cheat on me, but then I realize that I'm being a hypocrite. I don't want to be like this, but it's so hard to quit. I always wondered why smokers or alcoholics don't just stop, but now I know what that craving feels like, and it's very difficult to break.
The majority of people I know, friends and family, deal with stress usually in a wrong way, whether drinking or drugs. My whole life my parents would drink, and although not alcoholics, they would say it's fine to do it casually to relax, but I still never wanted to drink. Getting older, I started getting stressed out more often (teen years) and didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to drink or do drugs, so I decided to just look at porn, since sexual release seemed natural compared to the other options. I probably looked at porn once a day, but nothing too serious, but it got worse.
I eventually started questioning porn, hearing bad things about it and how the people were treated, it made me not really like it. It felt fake, so I found something more real, chat rooms. I started going in chat rooms to see what they were like, and being able to talk to actual people was almost like a drug in itself. After trying cyber sex for a while, I got hooked. It allowed me to do any fantasy I wanted, and the person on the other end wasn't doing it for money like in porn, they actually wanted to do the fantasy as well.
I convinced myself I was fine and it was just a natural way to release sexual tension and other stress. As I got toward my age I'm at now, I had more detailed fantasies I wanted to play out.
I started getting attracted to older women, I guess you could say cougars as refereed to in society. It was a fantasy, and I started playing it out with older women. After a while of doing this, I came across a website with married couples/husbands/wives. After checking out that site for a while, I realized my fantasy grew to the point of where it is today, which is not just older women, but married women. I know it's wrong, but I think that's what keeps me coming back. I've been good my whole life, and it's almost like I am rebelling by doing this.
Every time I do something, I feel so guilty and depressed. I don't want to be like this. I read stories of women or men cheating and I would never want to cheat on my future wife or have her cheat on me, but then I realize that I'm being a hypocrite. I don't want to be like this, but it's so hard to quit. I always wondered why smokers or alcoholics don't just stop, but now I know what that craving feels like, and it's very difficult to break.
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There is accountability software too, like X3watch, that you can install on your computer - then reports of your online activity will automatically be sent to an accountability partner. I'll pray that just the right guy steps up for you. 
