Cutting off my parents

[surrealist247]

I am cutting my parents out of my life, my baby daughter's life, and my husband's life. He is in favor of this. I have had enough. I wanted to cut my mother off while I was pregnant with my baby, and my husband talked me into being nice and taking her back into our lives. Now even he is fed up enough that he says it is time to let go. I'm okay with that. I won't miss her.

The problem is that I have to throw the baby out with the bath water. The father I love (who takes up for, sides with, and tries to placate the mother I want to get away from) goes with her. He has told me before that he might leave my mother when my younger sister finishes college, but that is a couple of years away. We will have moved by then. Plus, that isn't definite. In the most recent fight he took up for her and was offensive to me. I won't take that. Even in other recent fights where he has thought she was being horrible, he commiserates with me in private and outwardly he pretends to agree with her.

I am ready to cut her. I need to cut her. I want to cut her. She is a thorn in my life. I am just upset to be losing my dad. Very upset. Thoughts? Experiences?

 

[cerette]

Sometimes it's needed to keep the distance. Perhaps you don't have to inform her that you're cutting her off, but you could keep a distance by not going to her house to hang out, or not calling very often.
You could still keep in touch with your Dad--maybe talk to him on the phone and/or meeting him for lunch somewhere sometimes.
Good luck, I hope your Mom changes whatever bad behavior is causing this difficult situation.

 

[surrealist247]

Thank you. I am trying to do it quietly. The problem is that my father has made it clear in the past that if I cut her off he can't have much to do with me. She will make his life hell.

Also, she isn't going to let go easy. I had my baby a few months ago. Now there's a grandchild to fight for.

 

[ValleyGal]

Do you hate your mother enough to sacrifice the love you have for your father?

 

[surrealist247]

Yes, and honestly it is not about hate. I have my own family to take care of and my mother is bad for themtoo, not just me.

 

[LinkH]

The Bible says honor your father and mother. You have to protect your family, but you have to honor your mother, too.

 

[surrealist247]

Also, this seemed like the best thread to post this. Please let me know if there is a different subforum or something. The couples forum just seemed like the best fit...

 

[surrealist247]

My mother is a negative force in my life and she's bad for my family. Yes you honor your parents - when that is feasible and earned. Plus, my husband and I need to look out for our family. We are parents too!

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not going to ask you to give your reasons for doing this (and honestly.....it sounds like you've tried to avoid having no contact with her). There are some mothers (fathers as well) that just cannot be a part of our lives, because they refuse to have a two-way relationship. Honoring our mothers and fathers is more about becoming a respectable and loving adult. If our parents refuse to do the same.......unfortunately that's their burden to carry. People that haven't gone through this can't understand. I'm sure this wasn't an easy decision for you to make. There may be a time where you're strong enough to bring her back slowly into your life.

Having no contact doesn't mean we don't love others.....in fact....it's a way to preserve the love.

This book may bring some encouragement to you:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books

and the web site: Home - Will I Ever Be Good Enough

 

[cerette]

I believe we can honor our parents without allowing them the space & time to make us miserable, IF their behavior is such that it causes misery to others.

I have relatives who are a bad influence on my child--I love them and care for them, but I cannot allow them around as it always ends with my child learning new bad habits.

(Also, see Colossians 3:21)

 

[cerette]

My mother is a negative force in my life and she's bad for my family. Yes you honor your parents - when that is feasible and earned. Plus, my husband and I need to look out for our family. We are parents too!

Sort of off topic, but anyway: I do think we ought to always honor our parents, even when they don't "deserve" it, because they are our God-given parents and they should be honored (says God). That leads to the question what it means to honor parents, and I am not gonna get into it here as it's off topic, but I'll say this much: I do not think honoring parents means we should put up with all kinds of bad behavior and treatment simply because they're our parents.

 

[surrealist247]

Thank you both! And wow! I have that book and love it! There is a lot, not everything, but a lot about my situation with my mother in there!

 

[surrealist247]

That book helped cement my decision to cut her off, something I'd thought of since I was a teen and then again in college.

 

[mkgal1]

Yes......when you read another person describing your life (and put into words what hadn't made sense before---I'm presuming that was your experience in reading that, of course) it is like someone *finally* "gets it". I can't say that, personally, I've experienced that.....but I've been close enough to others that have.

Another resource is this article (from a Christian perspective with Scriptural support):

Dealing With In-Laws in your case..."parents".

 

[Hetta]

My mother is a negative force in my life and she's bad for my family. Yes you honor your parents - when that is feasible and earned. Plus, my husband and I need to look out for our family. We are parents too!

Sweetie, you can love and honor your parents and still know that they cannot be a part of your lives. They sound like very unhealthy people and I hope that you achieve the distance.

It sounds to me as though your dad enables your mom's behavior which isn't healthy. Him telling you he'll leave one day is really, really inappropriate.

What is your plan on cutting the ties?

 

[Hetta]

I do not think honoring parents means we should put up with all kinds of bad behavior and treatment simply because they're our parents.

Agreed.

 

[surrealist247]

So far the plan is to not see her and to text as little as possible for the next couple of weeks before my family and I go away for a month or so. Then say nothing while I'm gone and hope that it's paid out over time before we get back. My fear is that she won't let it.she doesn't love my baby but she does want her.

 

[surrealist247]

I do not want to let go of my father. They, meaning my parents, do not want to let go of my baby.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Do they want the baby as in take custody of her or just get to be involved grandparents?

I had to cut my parents off for a very long time. They were toxic to me, my marriage and my family. I only let them back in for a while when my dad got sick. I then cut my mom off again until SHE got sick and then devoted 7 years of my life to caring for her.

One of the reasons I got married so young was to get out of an incredibly toxic, unhealthy and abusive situation.

 

[orangeness365]

Could you just call your dad and not your mom? I know what you're talking about. My mom is abusive like 99% of the time, but my dad is a total sweetheart.