Crushed and confused

[dig out your soul]

Hello all,

I have been in a serious relationship for the last 8 years with my college girlfriend. The time I've spent with her has been great. In December she left the country to study at an international veterinary medicine program. This has forced us into a long-distance relationship after being attached at the hip for all the past years. For financial and work reasons I couldn't go with her.

It was hard for me to deal with her absence, but during the time she was gone I started thinking more about my relationship with God. I come from a Christian household, but I haven't until recently accepted Jesus into my life (girlfriend is a non-christian). Though it was hard to maintain the relationship I thought we were doing a good job through phone and webcam communications. I had no doubt we would make it work.

She returned home lastweek upon completion of her 1st out of 7 semesters (3 year program) and broke up with me the first day she was home citing the distance is too hard for her to deal with while trying to maintain her studies.

I have met with her since to try and work it out, but it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to try to make this work. This has turned my world completely upside down. I'm completely heartbroke and very confused. I just keep asking why God would end something that felt so sure and was so important in my life. I cannot come up with any reasons. I have searched scripture and still cannot come up with anything.

If anyone has been through a similar experience or has any advise on a way to deal with this I'd really apreciate you share it as it may help me get through this tough time. Thank you, God bless.

 

[peanutbutter12]

You're missing one thing: God doesn't control people. We make our own decisions in life, and some times they are hard ones to make or to deal with. This should be when you start to lean on God more with it after you stop blaming him for it and let the healing process begin.

In any event, breaking up with someone you love is never easy. It can take months and sometimes years to truly let go of. You need to take the time and reroute your life and find out what you truly need in your life so you can move forward instead of stagnate in an emotional wreck. Use your time wisely.

 

[dig out your soul]

You're missing one thing: God doesn't control people. We make our own decisions in life, and some times they are hard ones to make or to deal with. This should be when you start to lean on God more with it after you stop blaming him for it and let the healing process begin.

In any event, breaking up with someone you love is never easy. It can take months and sometimes years to truly let go of. You need to take the time and reroute your life and find out what you truly need in your life so you can move forward instead of stagnate in an emotional wreck. Use your time wisely.

Yeah, you make a good point about people making there own choices. I guess I'm just looking at it from how this fits into the "grande scheme" of my life sort of deal. Kinda like being with her wasn't in Gods plan, but your right. I'm not trying to blame God, I've been leaning on him a lot during the last week. I am blessed to also have a great support system with family and friends, without which, I don't know where I'd be right now. I'm just trying to make sense of all this from a spirtual perspective. Thanks for the reply.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Hey, I know you wrote this a few days back but I still wanted to respond.

I was in a very long relationship and he wasn't a Christian and I wasn't really following God during that time either. When we broke up I was crushed and devistated; we had even talked about getting married. It was a very hard time in my life, some of the darkest moments that I have ever been through.

Yet, I knew that the relationship wasn't right. God needed to be first and with that relationship, I couldn't do it. I am thankful now that God got me out of that relationship even despite the pain. If we are wanting to look at it from God's perspective, He wants what is best for us. That being said, He wants to be first in our lives. I have found that I have had to give up nearly everything to follow Christ, and He still asks for more. I want to keep moving forward though with Him.

I feel for you. I know how tough it is. Always breaks my heart when I hear of someone else going through this. I don't know of any "advice" because it didn't really help me much when I was going through so much pain. Being connected with others and staying busy helped me, as well as turning myself to God.

 

[frenzy]

I really really hate telling people this because I hate hearing it myself, but it the number one truth I've learned from break-ups: time will make things better. Time might not heal completely, and it might not make things perfect again, but you will live through this and you will feel better. Also, talking helps. Don't hold it in or you will start to become spiteful. I'm sorry that's about all I can give you.

 

[stephanieamber]

Brother, let me tell you.
Last year a boy SMASHED my heart.
Literally, I spent probably a solid 2 days on the floor crying.

In retrospect, God totally rescued me from something that was not right for me. You wrote about how you are a fairly new Christian and your girlfriend is not - so your hearts are focused in different places. Sometimes as my friends pursue a relationship with Christ, I worry about their romantic relationships. You are a new creation, you are different.

It's a grieving process.. someone who was a huge part of your life is essentially dead. Even if she remains a part of your life, that role she had is no longer filled and is still dead.

Instead of searching out "why" try to focus on "what".. what you can learn from this, what God has promised to his broken hearted people..

So sorry you're experiencing this, bro. Heartbreak SUCKS.

 

[dig out your soul]

Sorry for the delayed response to all the new posts. As Beauty from Pain mentioned above I found it helps to keep myself busy, so I've been spending a lot of time with family, friends and career to keep my mind off things. For the most part I'm staying strong and hanging in there. It's been over 2 weeks now and she's actually back at school and out of the country again so all that false hope I did have of working things out is gone now.

I have really grown closer to Christ through all this. I just want to keep growing as despite all the pain in my life, I do feel a new found sense of hope and optimism that wasn't there without being this close to Christ.

Thank you all who have posted above. I really appreciate it. You have all offered good advise and perspective and I will try to apply it to my situation best I can. I'm taking one day at a time, and am still far, far away from being over this so if anyone else has anything to add I'd appreciate it.

 

[stephanieamber]

all that false hope I did have of working things out is gone now.

That's what happened eventually in my situation.. after a month of convincing myself that we could work things out, there was just a slammed door in my face which SUCKED but really aided in the healing process.

 

[frenzy]

Oh, another important thing is that if you know for sure it's over, you will only be able to move on if you remember it's over and don't hang on to that small chance that you might get back together. Perhaps one day it could happen, but in order to move on you must think like it won't, otherwise you will be too attached to get over her.

 

[sweetMelody]

I feel for you and praying for you.. May God bless you and comfort you..

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

It's true that it sucks when people say time will heal it...it does...eventually. Not all of it though I have found. At least not yet for me...so I don't know if it ever goes away completly. Especially in long relationships. I spent a LOT of time on my knees. It was really tough. I still struggle at times. But I look back and know God lead me. Unfortunatly, we make our own choices and then we pay the price for them, good or bad. Sometimes I wish God could erase those...but at least we learn from them. And like I say, God does create beauty from the pain if we let him. That's what my handle stands for. God took that messed up relationship and messed up me from that relationship, and he is creating beauty from the pain. He wants our all, He wants our focus. It is so much better being in step with God.

 

[Neve]

Think of this as a blessing in disguise. Yes, it is extremely difficult to find out that someone doesn't want to be your significant other or even your friend. You've personally invested a lot of time in this person. But, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

It's better that you know now, rather than being misled for the next three years while your girlfriend is abroad studying. That way you can use your time to heal, and move on with your life. You may not ever fully understand what happened, but regardless, look toward the future rather than dwell on the past.