cross referencing marriage advice, please help

[javan]

the married people over in marriage ministry think 2 1/2 years is a long time to date. i think it is. what do you guys as courting people think?

also, over in marriage ministry a lot of the married men are telling me ( and making me worried, actually) that my boyfriend doesn't think i am the one, that i am second best to my boyfriend, because my boyfriend does not know if he wants to marry me after dating me 2 1/2 years. i think my boyfriend is not ready to know if he wants to marry me because he has a lot going on in his life right now. however, at times i have wondered if i was being dragged along as second best, so the comments the married guys made has only intensified that. ugh . please be yourselves but please comfort me and tell me it's not hopless with my boyfriend if that's what you think...i really love him.

 

[squeakyclean1]

Yes, 2 1/2 years is a long time to date- its a long time to do anything. But is it too long? That's not for me or anyone else to decide other than you or your boyfriend. Everyone moves at a different pace, is ready at a different time, and thats okay.

Don't fret. Just keep communication open with your SO about your feelings. If you keep them inside you'll just drive yourself crazy.

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

2.5 years is a long time to date, but i must agree, it's not TOO long. I don't think any person can say that a certain amount of time is to long. I know that if my bf and i get married, we still have another 3-4 years to wait. That's added to the little over a year we've been dating.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i wouldn't say 2.5 years is a looong time but it's a good amount of time. why don't you just ask your boyfriend why he's not sure if he wants to marry you. also, tell him to ask God if you are the one for him. you can ask God too. i don't see any sense in dating someone for such a long time if marriage is not in the future. it only makes a breakup harder.

 

[javan]

thank you

 

[bumblebee62331]

2 and a half years is long, but it depends on so many things. My friend and his girlfriend just celebrated their 4th year of dating. My other friend and her boyfriend just celebrated their 3 and a half year. And marriage is way off for them, because they just can't at the moment - they are are uni/working etc.

So it depends. Are you ready for marriage? Could you and your boyfriend support each other and children (if that's what you want)? If the answer is yes and your boyfriend still doesn't want to propose or whatever, perhaps you could bring the subject up with him? He might not even know that you really are thinking about this at all!!

 

[Catholic Wife]

Considering that marriage is supposed to be for life (so the next 60+ or so years of your life), 2.5 years may not be very long in the grand scheme of things. Don't feel pressured by others who may not know the details of your relationship.

I found myself in a similar situation. My fiance and I dated about 2 years and everyone said he should be ready to ask me to marry him, and that if he didn't know by then that he wanted to marry me, I should dump him. So I asked him about it and he told me that he wanted to marry me, but he just wasn't ready yet. I then had to make the decision to stay with him, knowing that one day we would get engaged and married, or move on. He proposed within six months.

Your boyfriend may be in a similar place in his life (you mentioned that he has a lot going on in his life right now). I would recommend you talk to your boyfriend about his "intentions" so you can make an informed decision of what to do.

And remember Ecclesiastes 3:1.

 

[freedom4all]

I think a lot depends on your ages, and what each of you wants in life. My current bf and I turn 40 this year, and have discussed getting engaged this year, as well. We've only been dating for a year. We are older, are in the same stage of our lives, are on the same wavelength, and neither of us feels that waiting would provide any benefits to us. There is nothing keeping us from moving forward, in other words.

While I feel that in our particular circumstance, 2 1/2 years would be too long for him to decide to marry me, it may not be too long for another couple.

I guess what I don't understand is how does your bf know that in 2.5 years he will be able to make up his mind? What if you decide to stay with him, and that time comes, and he still hasn't made up his mind? What will you do then? It's something to consider.

 

[JVD]

2 1/2 years is not too long to be dating. But it is plenty long for him to let you in on his thoughts. If he does not have serious intentions after 2 1/2 years he is just using you.

I would want a heart to heart straight talk and some evidence of committment on his part before I gave him any more time, love, emotional support etc, etc.

Communication is the key....is he speaking to you plainly about his intentions. If he isn't telling you in plain language that he has serious plans for a future with you, then he is telling you the opposite.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Sigh. I wish I knew. I have been dating my bf for about 2 years and 2 months...he tells me that he wants to marry me, but then I don't see why he can't just follow through with that and pop the question. It does get pretty confusing though I know. I feel that if he can say yes I am want to marry you then he can make the commitment. You brought up a good question which I admit I am confused by as well.

So I guess the question is for the guys: If you say that you want to marry a girl, what is it that keeps you from marrying her????? (Does it mean that you are not sure if she is the one for you and you are having second thoughts...or is there something else?)

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Also, i would like to add that it depends on the age of the people two...at least I think it does. I noticed that a few of those who said it was ok to wait where those who were 19 years old. At that age it is good to wait another 3-5 years!!! No offence, but one needs some time (in my opinion) to just live life...lol...and get to make sure that you know yourself so that you won't marry the wrong person.....

Yet, once you get older, I can see how it would be harder to wait. One should not have to wait forever. And yes, I agree with BluePulse, that if he doesn't know if HE wants to marry you then that is a problem. If you have talked about it and you just don't know when you two will marry, then that is a little different.

 

[Ceris]

While I think 2.5 years is a reasonable amount of time and not OVERLY long (although it is long in general, its a long time to do just about anything, think about going to school for 2.5 years or working for 2.5 years, 2.5 years is long period, but its not TOO long), I think that if someone doesn't know after 2.5 years that they want to marry someone, there may be a problem.

I think 2.5 years is plenty of time to know if the one you are dating is the one you will marry. I think you need to ask him and just not beat around the bush. You are 28 years old, an adult that is far from a child. I'm assuming you are ready to settle your life down and enter into a marriage. And I'm assuming you feel that you would be happy to marry your boyfriend.

But if your boyfriend just isn't on the same page, if he doesn't even know you are the one for him, there is a problem. He may not be at a place in his life where he is ready for marriage.. this doesn't mean you *date* him until he IS ready either, although you could. It means that perhaps he is just not the one for you.

If you continue to date him without discussing where your future lies (marriage or not), you will just end up being dragged through life on a string, waiting and waiting for a man who may never think you are the one.

Thus you have to talk to him about it, and depending on his answers, you may have to make some difficult choices regarding your relationship. If this is not the man for you, then someone for you is still out there, and you should find that out as soon as possible because 2.5 years of your life IS a good chunk of time out of anyone's life, and you don't want to continue to increase it on someone who has not a clue if they even want to marry you.

The only way to figure it out.. is to talk. Talk to him. Talk to God. A lot of talking is in your future. Followed by a lot of thinking, and then the choices you need to make for your future to be the happy joyful life you want it to be.

~ ~

^ What she said. Seriously, there aren't too many people here on CF who can give out better or sounder advice (especially relationship advice) than Blue Impulse.

 

[Ceris]

So I guess the question is for the guys: If you say that you want to marry a girl, what is it that keeps you from marrying her????? (Does it mean that you are not sure if she is the one for you and you are having second thoughts...or is there something else?)

To answer your question, allow me to use my own situation: I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. I know I want to marry her. I have told her I want to marry her. Our families know that we want to get married. Heck, if you were someone that I kinda knew and asked if I planned on marrying her I would say yes. So why haven't I proposed to her just yet?

Because I feel that the timing is not right just yet. I am not quite done with school yet (I graduate from my university in June) and she probably still has two more years of school left. Do I want to wait two years before marrying her? No. Probably one of the biggest reasons I have not proposed to her yet is I have yet to step out into the "real world" myself, I cannot fully support myself just yet. How then would I be able to support her if I have no experience fully supporting myself?

To the OP: There could be a perfectly legitimate reason why your boyfriend (at your age) has not proposed to you yet. I would not be so quick as to take the advice of pure strangers who know very little about your situation. Rather, as Blue Impulse said, you need to talk. Talk to him, talk to God. Ask him why.

 

[javan]

thank you.

 

[bumblebee62331]

I second Ceris. My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year and a half and we've talked about marrige, we know we will get married, our families know we will get married etc etc, but the timing just isn't right. I'm still at uni for another two years (including this year) and we don't want the burden of planning a wedding to be on around the same time as my final exams.

So perhaps he's taking some timing problem into account? Are either of you studying? Or is there anything else that might be causing him to think it's not 'quite the right time'?

 

[javan]

he is going back to school or starting some new research (he does research on animals and the environment) in about three months or sooner. i know he is very stressed about that. until he gets one of these research jobs or completes his schooling if he goes back, he has hardly any money from the job he has now. how would we even begin to pay for our wedding or a baby if one came along the first month of our marriage? we wouldn't. i certainly don't have any money. i have to go back to school. i lost my job a year ago, but when i do have jobs i make just enough for only me to get by right now. without further education the companies don't seem as interested in giving me the higher paying jobs for some reason. i have a ba in english. it's like a starving artist degree. my only hope with these higher paying jobs is to really convince them i can do it somehow or getting a rare chance to get my foot or toe in the door somewhere and work my way up, and even then without further education that is limited. i have decided to go to massage therapy school. i think he just wants everything to be in place and make sure he has all the money necessary before we get married, unlike his brother...his brother is still in medical school and his wife is in pharmacy school and they just got married december 2005. i guess some people don't want to wait.

i am his first (serious) girlfriend.

i guess i just need to wait. i'm not patient with things sometimes.

thank you