Courtship - Pondering a book, thoughts?

[A2597]

Several months ago I began courting a wonderful and Godly woman. Neither of us really had an idea what courtship was, but both of us agreed that we didn't want to date.

Since we made the decision to court, there has been much research, prayer, and fellowship put into this relationship, and we both feel that God is the one orchestrating the courtship. Honestly, it's been pretty amazing thus far, and I am looking forward to see if it progresses to marraige, as I know we both hope it will.

I know there have been many books that discuss courting vs dating, "Boy Meets Girl" probably being the best known. While an excellent book, and I believe a very important one for singles to read, it leaves a lot of ground to cover. There have been many times in our courtship where we were uncertain how to proceed, and while in every one of those times God has answered and shown the way, I can't help but think that there should be some examples out there of how other courting couples handled these situations.

I'm constantly answering questions about courting, and have been told by several people that I should write a book about it. So I ask you, the larger Christian community, would a book that illustrated a courtship from meeting to marriage be a resource to you? Not as a guide, as I believe every relationship is unique, but as a point of reference for how another couple handled certain situations that arise in courtship?

 

[BFine]

I think it's nice to have access to such a resource.

I found the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" to be very
informative...the book is written by Eric and Leslie Ludy...I purchased it several
years ago.

 

[jehoiakim]

I think courting is a good idea, but...

My wife and I went to a Sovereign Grace Church for a while, Josh Harris leads that denomination, well they call it a "family of churches" but it is really even more a denomination then most denominations. Long story short we have serious problems with SG, but I still respect Josh Harris.

While at those churches we saw courtship really put on a pedestal and taken to ridiculous extreme at times. It really became an idol of sorts to many in the church. Honestly I think the courting books have been done and I would like to see an emphasis switch from the courting process to something else. Not that that I have a problem with courting, I think it is wise, but maybe shift the focus to mentoring couples and counseling during the courting process. I have seen many many Sovereign Grace courtships turn into marriages that became utter failures because of the communcation skills in the marriage.

 

[A2597]

That's interesting to me, because communication and talking should be one of the main focuses of courting. Getting to know eachother, but also to trust one another and to see how things will be handled as a couple, not just individually.

 

[jehoiakim]

yeah I feel like that is not really effectively practiced in the courting I have seen. I have also seen so many couples couritng at a young age and getting married very quickly they they haven't really even discovered their own callings yet. They haven't figure out who they are and then they want to get married and start a family right away. I'm not saying you can't get married young, but I don't know how many courting couples that have been courting for 6 to 9 months are getting hitched and some of them are 19, or 20, it just seems so young. I was mature at 19 or 20, but I really had no idea who I was in Christ even thought I thought I did at the time. I feel like a lot of these kids rush right into marriage without any maturity

 

[Myshkin99]

My humble advice...try doing something challenging together. Organize a charity event, or read a very challenging and controversial book together (hint, see my username for author/genre suggestion). Something that pushes you. You will find out 1) how well you communicate, 2) how well you solve problems, and 3) if you love this person enough to subvert your ego and really hear them.

Just a very few cents from ol' Myshkin.

 

[GloryBe!]

I was single, living alone for at least 8years, and a moral devoted Christian, as well as a virgin. During that time, I read articles and went to singles Bible studies and also read Josh Harris 's book (as a result, lost respect for him ). As a woman who married maturely, at 25,AND proud to have been a virgin.... I truly suggest you wait until after you experience marriage to publish a book. I learned more than I ever thought possible about dating/ courtship AFTER I got married.

(Please don't think I'm trying to be self-righteous, as I'll be the first to admit how IMPERFECT my marriage is. I'm simply stating how I wouldn't read such a book again if I were still single, unless the author had proper understanding of both sides of the marriage oaths. )

 

[Avniel]

I was single, living alone for at least 8years, and a moral devoted Christian, as well as a virgin. During that time, I read articles and went to singles Bible studies and also read Josh Harris 's book (as a result, lost respect for him ). As a woman who married maturely, at 25,AND proud to have been a virgin.... I truly suggest you wait until after you experience marriage to publish a book. I learned more than I ever thought possible about dating/ courtship AFTER I got married.

(Please don't think I'm trying to be self-righteous, as I'll be the first to admit how IMPERFECT my marriage is. I'm simply stating how I wouldn't read such a book again if I were still single, unless the author had proper understanding of both sides of the marriage oaths. )

I agree with you I think that is the reason the Bible is so powerful because Jesus was actually here He knows what life is like on earth and in heaven so I'm pretty sure he is the best person to listen to.

But like you said I'm not perfect but I do think I have a better aspect of marriage and courting being married.

I also am kinda against Christian help books because I think we already have the best help book out.....the bible. When I read alot of help books I see religion when I read the Bible I see God's word

 

[GloryBe!]

I agree with you I think that is the reason the Bible is so powerful because Jesus was actually here He knows what life is like on earth and in heaven so I'm pretty sure he is the best person to listen to.

But like you said I'm not perfect but I do think I have a better aspect of marriage and courting being married.

I also am kinda against Christian help books because I think we already have the best help book out.....the bible. When I read alot of help books I see religion when I read the Bible I see God's word

Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned seeing religion in those types of books. I read A LOT and I'd have to say there are only two "self-help ".books I actually recommended: the five love languages, and Sacred Marriage. Both are written by experienced married men.
when I read all those "courtship "books, I never came away encouraged, but instead, finished them feeling oppressed and hopeless. I realize now that it was RELIGION instead of God's understanding grace contained in the pages. Like a p p said, courtship was an idol. I don't truly understand why so many books and sermons have been devoted to this subject while containing so many religious rules, when there really was very little said in the Bible about pre -marriage. Keep yourselves pure, and the marriage bed undefiled. Keep your focus on God and you can't go wrong.

Perhaps I'm over -simplifying it, but I get confused with too many repeated notions and rules not contained in the Bible...

 

[Autumnleaf]

You should write a book about it. Of course get your friends to preorder. Christians buy lots of books so its a good angle and if you have something interesting to say about the subject so much the better.

 

[Avniel]

Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned seeing religion in those types of books. I read A LOT and I'd have to say there are only two "self-help ".books I actually recommended: the five love languages, and Sacred Marriage. Both are written by experienced married men.
when I read all those "courtship "books, I never came away encouraged, but instead, finished them feeling oppressed and hopeless. I realize now that it was RELIGION instead of God's understanding grace contained in the pages. Like a p p said, courtship was an idol. I don't truly understand why so many books and sermons have been devoted to this subject while containing so many religious rules, when there really was very little said in the Bible about pre -marriage. Keep yourselves pure, and the marriage bed undefiled. Keep your focus on God and you can't go wrong.

Perhaps I'm over -simplifying it, but I get confused with too many repeated notions and rules not contained in the Bible...

No your not over simplifying things I think people just try to make God so confusing but He really isn't. Were not going to understand everything he does He is God, you sin ask for forgiveness you see someone you like keep you pure and have fun with life.........

I thought I was alone in the world.....TWIN!!!I've found you. lol

 

[GloryBe!]

No your not over simplifying things I think people just try to make God so confusing but He really isn't. Were not going to understand everything he does He is God, you sin ask for forgiveness you see someone you like keep you pure and have fun with life.........

I thought I was alone in the world.....TWIN!!!I've found you. lol

Ha ha ha!! yeah, I was raised surrounded by home -schooled folk, who tend to overdue living by appearance and law and rules not contained in the word. So my simple view was often shunned....

 

[A2597]

Thanks for the replies! some interesting thoughts here.

While I personally agree that waiting until you are a little older to marry is wise, my college self would never have heard the wisdom in that. (Actually, my college self DID hear those words of wisdom, but chose to scoff at them).

I agree that God is the ultimate source of knowledge in the relationship, and believe me when I say we never would have gotten to where we are no without Him! He's been the root of our relationship from day one.

I'm kinda surprised at the response to Joshua Harris, I found "Boy Meets Girl" to be well written, and never felt like he was saying "This is how it must be done!", I actually was wanting *more* detail than he had in his book, as we've encountered so many different situations that were not even mentioned in his book, and while this has proven good for us (Because it forces us to turn to God), a little more detail on how they handled such situations may have been nice.

 

[GloryBe!]

I'm kinda surprised at the response to Joshua Harris, I found "Boy Meets Girl" to be well written, and never felt like he was saying "This is how it must be done!", I actually was wanting *more* detail than he had in his book, as we've encountered so many different situations that were not even mentioned in his book, and while this has proven good for us (Because it forces us to turn to God), a little more detail on how they handled such situations may have been nice.

In MY case, the book that totally turned me off to Josh Harris was "I Kissed Dating Goodbye "
I found it completely unrealistic. Whereas, "Boy Meets Girl " was completely useless (in my opinion ).