Counseling Another

[suzybeezy]

My niece just recently separated from her husband. They have one small child together. She has sought me out for counsel. It's really wierd because we never had that close of a relationship but through the last 2 years we've gotten closer. I think she respects my point of view.

She's in a bad place because her husband has cheated on her in the past and is very untrustworthy. He is not a christian and she is. When he left, he took all of their money and left her with nothing. He told her he's going to take a break from her but then he'll be back. She's very vulnerable. She's very sad and her self esteem has bottomed out. She's very angry with God right now. I told her not to blame God, that everything happens for a reason. But that's hard to hear when your heart is breaking.

I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to tell her what to do. I told her to continue to pray about it. She comes over my house several days out of the week to occupy her time and calls on the phone nightly. I want to be able to help her, but don't want to misguide her.

From a personal perspective I think she shouldn't tolerate the treatment her husband gives her, but I don't share that with her because I don't think that is Godly advice. I try to be careful of my words and try to be obedient to what God may want me to be for her. I'm sure I'm suppose to be a support system for her, but I don't want to overstep by boundry.

Any advice on how to handle this situation?

 

[bliz]

Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Ask querstions, and stand back and listen.

Really, it's not so much what you have to say near as much as your willingness to listen to her and to help her explore her own feelings and thoughts.

Don' worry about God - He can handle her blaming Him quite well. He knows what's in her heart and she should be encouraged to pray that to God instead of praying what she "should" pray to Him. When she is really honest with God, she is gong to be in a much better position to hear what He has to say to her.

 

[LynnMcG]

I agree with bliz. Listening is helpful at this point. Sometimes when we're in trouble we just need someone to talk to us, to make sure we're not nuts. I think if you offer advice, it shouldn't come from you. But from the Word. Like when Jesus was in the wilderness and the Devil tempted Him. He just responded in verse.

 

[heartnsoul]

God wants the BEST for us and I believe that God wouldn't want us to tolerate cheating spouses (adultery) and ungodly behaviors. God wants us to be living godly, holy, and happy marriages. I don't believe God wants us to be doormats and suffer forever in a bad or destructive marriage. So with that said, I think it is okay to be truthful to your niece when she asks for your advice. You're right (in my opinion) that she shouldn't tolerate bad treatment from her husband. As her aunt, I think it would be a good idea for you to be honest and open with your opinions to her. But know that only God can change her heart. So even if you offer good/sound advice, she may not be open to it or may not be ready to make any positive changes for herself and her marriage. The good news, however-- is I believe that if she takes her troubles and pain to God, there is hope that God will restore her self esteem and shower her with the strength, courage and love she needs to stand up for herself and to do the right thing in her marriage. So if I were you, I would probably give her advice when she asks for it, and also strongly encourage her to draw closer to God. I pray that God's power and love lead her to make positive choices and may their marriage begin healing soon. Your niece is very fortunate and blessed to have a caring aunt like you.

 

[suzybeezy]

I'm trying to here for her. She is being bombarded by her mother and grandmother. They are trying to force their views on her. I'm trying to be objective and just be there for her.

 

[Yitzchak]

Sometimes the world has more wisdom then the church about certain matters. My worldly friends would say first go get drunk, really party it up. Then file for divorce and start dating and meet some great guy who will help her forget all about the jerk who left her.

Translate that into something more fitting a Christian lifestyle and you have your basic answer. Which is this. She needs to go out and have a great time doing things that will get her mind off of it. Then she needs to make a firm decision to put this behind her and move on with her life.

 

[heartnsoul]

Sometimes the world has more wisdom then the church about certain matters. My worldly friends would say first go get drunk, really party it up. Then file for divorce and start dating and meet some great guy who will help her forget all about the jerk who left her.

Translate that into something more fitting a Christian lifestyle and you have your basic answer. Which is this. She needs to go out and have a great time doing things that will get her mind off of it. Then she needs to make a firm decision to put this behind her and move on with her life.

Amen!

 

[suzybeezy]

Sometimes the world has more wisdom then the church about certain matters. My worldly friends would say first go get drunk, really party it up. Then file for divorce and start dating and meet some great guy who will help her forget all about the jerk who left her.

Interestingly enough we have taken her out for the past two Fridays to karaoke. We had a blast. She actually sang "Baby Got Back" Sir Mix Alot. I sang Madonna. We were just being silly. Before the evening started, when we were entering the club, I told her to stop and leave her troubles at the door. I told her to give herself permission to let loose and have some fun. Well today is Friday, so guess where we will be going! Wonder what beautiful melody I'll belt out this week. I'm thinkin' Cindy Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

 

[isaiah5213]

Interestingly enough we have taken her out for the past two Fridays to karaoke. We had a blast. She actually sang "Baby Got Back" Sir Mix Alot. I sang Madonna. We were just being silly. Before the evening started, when we were entering the club, I told her to stop and leave her troubles at the door. I told her to give herself permission to let loose and have some fun. Well today is Friday, so guess where we will be going! Wonder what beautiful melody I'll belt out this week. I'm thinkin' Cindy Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

good job suzybreezy!!! that's fantastic! let her have fun.! laugh! it's such a relief to do so in so hurtful a time!!!

another thing to do is pray with her everytime she calls...if she says she can't you pray for her. say things like this:

"God, please, i know you know she is so angry at you and at her husband and at herself right now. please guide her in her actions while she is angry.. we know that anger is normal. it covers the hurt. we don't know what you have planned, or why this is going on but guide & protect us to make the right decisions in spite of it all. if this is your will, and this is a little thing compared to big things, just put a peace that passes all understanding on my neice's heart, give her understanding, show her how much you love her and are taking care of her, in spite of what it looks like right now. above all, give her joy, dear father. we know she is hurting so much right now. give her wisdom & knowledge to do the right things, in spite of her pain."

pray this everyday, with her, if you have to. memorize a prayer like it.. take a scripture and pray it:

"in our anger, dear God, let us not sin"...

you really will see results... warn her not to pray "let me have him back, God." God may answer that, and her marriage may be hades on earth thereafter, if that is not what God wants...

good luck!!!

 

[Wakeup2god]

It seems apparent that your niece comes to you cause she respects your belief and your advice so far. When we're right with the Lord people are drawn to us. They open up to us. Your niece needs building up and encouraging, that's what you're doing by taking her out. You're showing her that she's fun to be with and she's loved for who she is. I don't believe she hates God or anything like that, she just doesn't understand what's happening right now. It's Jesus in you that shes attracted to.

She should know that his behaviour is unnacceptable to a woman and to God. It is biblical grounds for divorce. Just keep on building her up, encourage her in who she is in God. She's been told to live inside the box that her husband has made for her, you tell her to breakout and start living life to the full. It's not about self worth but more God worth.

lots of sound advice given here.

God bless

 

[suzybeezy]

lots of sound advice given here.

Yes I agree, lots of sound advice given here. I truly appreciate all the response. It's interesting my niece seeks me out, she does have friends in the church and she has her mother and grandmother, all advising her. But it's my advice she seeks. I'm trying my best to do what God is requiring of me as far as advising her. She is weak and broken right now and I'm trying to strengthen her. I have told her not to think she is imposing on me, but to call whenever she needs me. I wish she had a computer to seek the advise of the wise friends available here on this site.