Could you forgive your attacker?

[Cassandra]

When you are saying your prayers, do you ever pray for the person who attacked you? If you discovered they had let God into their heart and had repented, could you forgive your attacker?

I'm not sure I can explain why I've been thinking about this. Maybe it is because I do not want any ill feelings poisoning my heart...but I can't even begin to fathom a way I could ever forgive the guy who raped me and accept him as a brother. I guess I want to know if others have ever thought of this.

 

[Soulwings]

I have thought about it a lot too... not sure if I am at the point yet where I can forgive the boys/men who took advantage of me. I thought I was but then the memories came back and I am struggling again (see my thread if you want details). Anyway.

I think that forgiving them... well, you can forgive them, but that doesn't mean you have to accept them as a brother that you trust. I honestly don't know how long it will take until I can forgive them... but if I knew that they were sincere in their hearts about Christianity, God, and Jesus, then it would be a lot easier. (At least, I think. Just plain conjecture right now.) I prayed for them awhile ago... when I thought I had forgiven them... a lot easier to do then than now. Heh. But I am going to try - thank you for reminding me!!

I hope that you keep fighting and eventually come to a point where you can forgive your attacker. I'll be praying that you begin/continue to heal.

 

[FaithfulWife]

My attackers were my father and a boy from a college party whom I don't know.

Forgiving my dad is a weird thing because I don't really hold ill will toward him but don't see any move on his side toward admittance, repentance, or change of behavior. So nope I don't hold hatred toward him and by that definition I've forgiven him--but seeing that he doesn't admit what he did, talk to me or feel sorry about it, or change his behavior toward me, sadly I choose to not be part of his life right now. So does that make sense? I think if he came to me and humbly admitted what he had done, asked for my forgiveness, and then began to reach out to me in an effort to be in my life that I would eventually (sort of) be able to forgive him and co-exist in a fairly civil way.

Forgiving the unknown boy from the college party is weird too. Once again, I hold him no ill nor do I hold hatred toward him. He was young, I was drunk, and we all do sinful things. That was just a DOOZY! I have never ever seen him again after that night, but if I were to run into him some time and he said he was very sorry and he's come to the Lord, I think I could forgive him --and especially so if I saw evidence of a godly change in his life!

I guess for me I see forgiveness as two-sided: there's my side and their side. On my side, eventually I have to release the hurt and release the grudge and let it go. That part I've done for both of my attackers. On their side, they have to a) ask for forgiveness and b) actually demonstrate change. Since neither one of my attackers has done that, I would not say that I trust either one nor would I have them in my life! But if one did do those things...it would not be easy but I think I could get there.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Two things I believe about forgiveness:

1) Forgiveness is more for me then it is for the other person. I have forgiven them because, if I don't, I will carry around this bitterness in my heart that I'd really rather live without.

2) Forgiving is not pardoning. Just because I have said "I forgive you" doesn't mean I have said "What you did was not wrong."

What they did to me was wrong. Of course it was. Nothing is ever going to change that. But I have decided not to be angry about it. I have decided instead to hand that part of it over to God and start healing the holes in my soul it's caused that I don't have any control over.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I have prayed for them, albeit sometimes it triggers a panic attack, I have said the words and believe in my heart that I have forgiven them. It's hard sometimes.

 

[bubblefish]

I have tried to forgive the man that did this and agree with what SiyoNqoba said. I am trying to forgive him for myself more than anything. While I hold anger towards him I can't completely move on. He still manages to control a part of my life while I hold that pain and anger and I don't want that. I can never truly heal.

It is hard but I have forgiven him for what he has done - that doesn't mean that I believe that it wasn't wrong but I am trying not to hold any anger towards him now.

 

[Cassandra]

I don't think I can do it...yet. Even if he said he was sorry I don't think I could forgive him right now. I have also not been able to forgive myself. I didn't realize this until recently. I'm working on it, though. It was more than my body that was raped that night...and I know I am in loving hands that will help me heal.

I thought I had moved on, but really I've just been avoiding it by pushing it down deeper into my subconcious.

 

[Ariel]

I struggled with this. I knew I needed to forgive, or I would be a victim too. Unforgiveness is caustic, its bitterness eats into the heart. Also Jesus tells us that we need to forgive if we want our Father in heaven to forgive us, Matthew 6:14-15.

But how do you do this? And how do you do this when your abuser denies he ever did anything wrong and tries to cover it up--and other people help him? One of my abusers was a medical doctor. It seemed the whole medical establishment was on his side, and he would get away with what he had done to me.

Here is what I found. It is possible to forgive, even if your abuser never says he is sorry, and even denies what he did. You forgive anyway, just by saying "I choose to forgive." Or, in my case I said, "I am angry and I have every right to be angry, but I choose to forgive." I said this out loud, because it just helped to say it out loud.

Every time I started thinking about that man, I said that I choose to forgive. Remember how Jesus tells Peter that we may need to forgive 7 times 70 times? That's 490 times--and I think that for several months I forgave 490 times every week.

I went a step further. I forgave--and I decided to bless that person too, because Luke 6:28 says to bless those who curse us and pray for those who spitefully use us. But so help me, I could not pray the usual blessings of goodness, health, prosperity, etc on this wicked person. One day however I came across a blessing I can pray on anyone. It's in Acts 3:26, where it says that God blesses in turning someone away from sin. It's a blessing to be turned from sin! How about this--also pray for them to be turned to God. So I began praying this blessing--for God to turn that man away from sin and towards Him.

Later the Lord showed me three more steps in the forgiveness process: give the situation to Him, Ps. 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7. God knows how much you hurt. Let Him take this situation--give it to Him, because you can't handle it, but He can.

Next step, ask God to take the hurt out of your heart. He is our Healer, He can heal even the deepest emotional hurts.

Last--ask Him to give you the opposite. What did you lose in that abuse? Self confidence? Ask Him to build you up again, so that your confidence will be in what you are in Him. Did you lose virginity? Ask Him to make you holy, pure, undefiled. He can. He calls each of us to holiness, 1 Peter 1:15. What He asks us to do is always possible in Him--so yes, He calls us holy and makes us so.

Here are the steps, if it helps:

1. Forgive--just say "I choose to forgive."
2. Bless. Use Acts 3:26.
3. Give the situation to God, Psalm 55:22; 1 Peter 5:7
4. Ask God to take the hurt, Isaiah 61:3--He gives you beauty when you give Him ashes
5. Ask God to restore to you what was lost or stolen.


It took me about two years to completely forgive. When I finally did I knew it, because I could think about the situation and not hurt emotionally again. It was then that God moved. Do you realize how powerful His word is? He says that when our obedience is complete He will move, 2 Cor. 10:6.

The medical doctor who abused me--who everyone protected, even the hospital--was finally caught. He is no longer practicing medicine today. He thought he was going to get away with it, and apparently he had for years. But then God intervened.

 

[mindlight]

I don't think I can do it...yet. Even if he said he was sorry I don't think I could forgive him right now. I have also not been able to forgive myself. I didn't realize this until recently. I'm working on it, though. It was more than my body that was raped that night...and I know I am in loving hands that will help me heal.

I thought I had moved on, but really I've just been avoiding it by pushing it down deeper into my subconcious.

I was very sorry to read about what happened to you Cassandra.

Forgiveness is about not letting something poison you. But that does not mean what this man did was not wrong. If he can be held to account he should be. I have a daughter , the violence of my protective feelings towards her and against anyone who would hurt her informs my instincts here. It is heart breaking but true for a father to know that he cannot protect his own children from life and that they have to deal with it themselves in the end , although hes always there for them. Maybe thats how it is with God and us also. He watches the darkness we wade through stab at us and throw its filth at us but he cannot help us until we turn to Him and plead - make me clean, heal me , love me Lord.

Sexual violation is about as deep as it gets psychologically. But God can heal you and I believe he will in time. May you know Gods love and respect for you as a person, may he heal your deepest wounds and guide your search for Him through all the darkness that has obscured Him from you.

 

[joyinhislife]

I haven't thought about this in a long time. One of the guys who assaulted me, I think I could see him walking around town and not think anything about it. The other time was when I was six years old. Well, it's been a lot of years...........and God heals our broken hearts. There was a time that I prayed fervently for the ability to forgive these people for what they did, and it used to give me absolute FITS to think of either one of them up in heaven. But the Lord let me know that, even if I never saw them again, that I needed to forgive them for my own sake. My bitterness was poisoning my life, and I needed the sweetness of Christ in my heart instead. It was a struggle for a while though. It began as an act of obedience to the Lord........ I think I gritted my teeth!! It took a few years, and some tears, but it is so worth it. The Lord brought me closer to Himself..............I am eternally grateful!!!

 

[Harmonious_Echo]

I have had a really hard time with forgiveness...Firstly, of the two men who took advantage of me, one of them is dead, and it feels to me that it's even harder to forgive someone when they are dead. The pain and anger I had towards him lives on in my head and my heart like a sore that won't heal. The other man I've tried to forgive, and it was much easier to forgive him, knowing that he still had a chance for God to make a good person out of him. But the other...
Honestly, I stuggle to forgive and forget them every day. It's not a one-time thing. The pain is still there, the memories, the anger and shame. Only God can help me to let them go.

 

[Annie7]

In reality, it seems that I have forgiven my abuser, but I do not feel the justified anger has been established yet. Once that happens, then I am sure the forgiveness part will come next sincerely.

 

[captaincrunchtogo]

Before I started a relationship with my girlfriend, I helped her forgive her ex-husband. He had sexually abused her during their marriage but she needed closure by forgiving him. It is a very hard thing to forgive someone that has sexually abused you especially in front of a crowd. Though I was not the one abused or even known my girlfriend at the time, I myself feel hatred at times towards the person who did it. It's even harder when you actually see the person almost every day at classes or at meals. I have even had to forgive him in my heart, but the pain that I have for what my girlfriend doesn't go away that easy. I know what all you are going through.

 

[BlueStarSkyMonkey]

No.

 

[BlessEwe]

Two things I believe about forgiveness:

1) Forgiveness is more for me then it is for the other person. I have forgiven them because, if I don't, I will carry around this bitterness in my heart that I'd really rather live without.

2) Forgiving is not pardoning. Just because I have said "I forgive you" doesn't mean I have said "What you did was not wrong."

What they did to me was wrong. Of course it was. Nothing is ever going to change that. But I have decided not to be angry about it. I have decided instead to hand that part of it over to God and start healing the holes in my soul it's caused that I don't have any control over.

Very well said! Holding onto resentments only hurts you, the person probubly doesn't even loose one nights sleep. You are giving them the power still, letting it go to God will allow you to take back the power.

I dragged resentments on for years and it eventually brought me down. The freedom of letting it go is so powerful, and free.

Your are not saying what they did to you is right, it was very wrong.

If you are having a hard time pray for God to show you the way, and He will.


Corrie Tenboom would be a very good read for those who are struggling with forgivness. The nazi's killed off her family ( she was the only survivor in the camp) and she talks about the process of forgiving the solders who did it. Google her name and many good sites will come up.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[elegance]

Corrie Tenboom would be a very good read for those who are struggling with forgivness. The nazi's killed off her family ( she was the only survivor in the camp) and she talks about the process of forgiving the solders who did it. Google her name and many good sites will come up.

Wow, good call! Corrie Ten Boom is an amazing woman! Her fights and struggles are truly admirable. I agree with BlessEwe. What a lady to research about!

Sometimes it is very hard to forgive someone. Although I have, thankfully never been attacked, I can only imagine how much hurt and anger you felt. The best way to forgive is to remember God's forgiveness for us. (At least it helps me!) And prayer; prayer will certainly help because Jesus will heal you in ways you didn't know you could be healed again! Good luck sister! I will pray for you!

 

[Criada]

it is hard sometimes to let go. And what I find hardest is forgiving myself... even though I know in my head that it wasn't my fault. It still feels as though it was..
The people that abused me. most of them were going along with the crowd, and I think probably regret it. The 'ringleaders' I have forgiven, I think... I pray for them, and I think that asking God to show me how He sees them has helped.. because he loves them as well. Learning to see that has been hard, but, it does bring a peace that nothing else can.

 

[myanchor]

I'm 51 and it has been a looooong process. About six months ago, God said pray for him. I said, I've been praying for him. God said not about him, for him. My immediate reaction was aitch no! But as usual God gets his way. So I started. Felt like throwing up, everytime. It got easier. I still don't like him and wish no contact with him, mainly because he hasn't changed. I was able to go up to him after our fathers funeral, clap him on the shoulder and tell him I was praying for him. Have I completely forgotten, no, and I doubt I ever will. Do I like him? Not on your life. Do I love him, with agape, yes, nothing else.