Coping with unpredictables

[akmom]

I am getting very stressed with our current situation. I'll be brief and just say that we have been accumulated a lot of medical bills for two of our children. It is definitely to the point of exceeding our regular income, and has been for almost a year now. At first I did not think too much of it, as we had a savings we could use to "carry" us through that time, and I always assumed that eventually we would stop accumulating these expenses once everything was "fixed."

Now I am starting to doubt if that will actually happen, or happen before we are bankrupt. A few months ago we actually did exhaust our savings, and it was really stressful, because I couldn't even buy bread until our paycheck was deposited... and that's a situation that I just haven't run into for years. But it was a temporary situation, and we ended up selling a vehicle that we didn't really need in order to "catch up" on things. In the meantime, I just budget very carefully. I figured, there are things we need but they can wait.

But here is the thing... nothing can wait forever. For instance, I put off buying light bulbs. Well now it's getting ridiculous. You can live with a few burnt out lights, but now it is getting to the point where some rooms are too dark. The heat went out in one of the rooms, but no big deal... we can just leave the door open and let it get heat from the rest of the house. A step on the deck needs replaced. No big deal... we don't actually need to use the deck, so it can wait. But in total I feel like our place is kind of falling apart because I'm neglecting little maintenance issues. But we have just been informed that our child's physical therapy isn't working and we need to see yet another expensive specialist, and our portion will be over $1000. So that right there puts us another month out... and I'm not even sure this will solve the problem either.

My husband's attitude is... it is what it is, and we can only do what we can do. And that is great, but I have been depending on his overtime to balance the budget, and the fact that he has even had those opportunities has been a lifesaver, but there is no guarantee he will continue to have them. And then what? It's so taxing on our family. I just keep thinking, well if this is the last appointment then we can finally catch up and everything will literally be fine! And yet, it's been a year, so is it even realistic to hold out for that? I don't do well with long term stress. I just want it to be over.

 

[puregrl]

You sound so very stressed. And you have reason to be, you have a lot of big things happening. Have you spoken with a social worker or DSS? I know at one point I had about no money to my name and no home. They gave me "food stamps" and helped with paying rent.

 

[RaymondG]

No one does well with stress. You have to let it go or it will ruin your health and possible shorten your physical life.

Jesus said "Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?"

If worrying or stressing helps your situation, by all means, continue. If Not, Cast all your care on Him for He careth for you. The righteous is never forsaken nor does his seed Bed for bread.

When you are ready to yet go of your problems, God will step in and fix them for you......just in time....

 

[akmom]

We are not poor. But have paid, on average, $2K per month toward a medical payment plan that is above and beyond our normal household budget. I just don't know how much longer we can carry it. It depends on how much overtime he continues to have. I have seriously considered declaring bankruptcy on it, but my husband says no, we need to pay it for as long as we possibly can. I guess I just feel like if we can't afford it forever, then we might as well default on it now instead of exhausting our resources and then having to default later anyway. But he is still holding out hope that it'll be over soon, so why burden ourselves with a bankruptcy? (If the bills stopped accumulating NOW, then yes, we could pay off the existing balance in a short time. But will it?)

Just last week the school nurse insisted I pick up my child for a medical concern and take him to a doctor. So I did, and $200 later I had a doctor's note saying he was fine to return to school, and to just continue with the ongoing treatment plan. Gee thanks, I spent the day driving around and waiting in a clinic, when my child could have been in class learning, because a school nurse just assumes we're all on Medicaid and can run to a doctor for every little thing. Grr!

 

[puregrl]

You dont have to be poor to get help. A lot of your money,most of it, seems to be going to the medical bill. Have you talked to a financial adviser? Maybe call into Dave Ramsey show??

 

[newlightseven]

Have you tried going to the local church? maybe even a food bank for the groceries?

 

[evoeth]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We are currently childless, but such possibilities of a sick child terrify us.

Now I am starting to doubt if that will actually happen, or happen before we are bankrupt.

This is why I will fight for a socialized health system for the United States. No one should have to go bankrupt to pay for medical treatment in our country.

 

[akmom]

I don't need help with groceries, as that is such a small expense relative to everything else. We are not going hungry by any means. I'd default on bills before I made my family starve anyway.

I don't know whether socialized medicine is a solution. It seems like every move society makes in that direction ends up costing us more but improves nothing. I already have health insurance, but after the ACA our premiums nearly doubled and our deductible is monstrous so having insurance is pretty much worthless. I've debated dropping it and spending that money on actual care, since we end up paying for most of it anyway, but health care is so unpredictable that I'm afraid we could end up worse off. I know people on Medicaid and they pretty much just use the ER for every little thing because it's free and they can. Baby has a fever? Why give him Tylenol and wait till morning, when we can just take him the ER and get a professional opinion? Why spend $9 on a pregnancy test when I can go get a free one at a clinic? That's exactly what my acquaintances on Medicaid do, and it's probably what everyone would do if health care was free. I don't know what the solution is... maybe there isn't one.

 

[evoeth]

I don't know whether socialized medicine is a solution. It seems like every move society makes in that direction ends up costing us more but improves nothing. I already have health insurance, but after the ACA our premiums nearly doubled and our deductible is monstrous so having insurance is pretty much worthless.

The ACA is not socialization. It's forced participation with a middle man in a privatized system. It was the politically acceptable stop gap that could be passed in 2010, but didn't really address things that a socialized system can address: such as cutting out the 30% overhead of the middle man, cutting out the overhead at the billing department of health care providers (I used to work in one, total waste of space and exists purely to negotiate with the profusion of different insurers and their nonsense), and most importantly in negotiating down rates as a single platform (like medicaid/medicare).

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

After being covered by my parents health insurance until I was 18, medical bills totally (after insurance) around 90k. The waiting all the could then had no choice and had to file bankruptcy. It has its pros and cons.

 

[ValleyGal]

Would it help if you gave your husband options - like "we can only afford a loaf of bread or a light bulb. Which would you prefer?" I mean, if he knows how dire the situation is, maybe he will change his mind.

If you were to file for bankruptcy, how would that affect the care your children receive?

Are your children old enough that you can get a job to help manage the bills, or maybe is there a way you can earn an income from home?

evoeth, a socialized program is actually very good; the biggest problem we have with it, is that since it is so regulated, only a limited number of doctors are accepted into and graduated from, medical school. This leaves us with a terrible shortage of doctors (more of this in a second), and huge waiting lists for essential services. People die on waiting lists, and unless the system is set up as prevention rather than intervention, the lists get longer and longer. Back to the shortage of doctors - they are also only allowed a certain "quota" per day, and they are only allowed to treat one issue per patient per day. This means that if I have a series of symptoms and each is seen in isolation, timely diagnoses are overlooked and the illness can progress because the symptoms were not seen as part of a bigger picture. This means that our rich people cross the border to pay for services in the US - which might shorten wait times for those who can't afford to cross the border, but which also creates dissension in Canada, with doctors wanting to earn extra money by implementing a two-tier system. There are pros and cons to each. But... that's not really helpful to the OP.

The fact is, money issues are extremely stressful, and if AK's husband ignores her pleas for helping to decrease the stress, AK will eventually come to the end of her coping ability and she will likely end up taking drastic steps she would otherwise not even consider. Stress has a devastating effect on the body, not to mention what it does to emotional (dys)regulation and relationships.

AK, would it help to go and talk to someone about your options? Could you do a temporary separation (on paper) just so you can access MedicalAid for your children, until they are well? Or could you sell your house and get one that is less expensive than the one you have now? Or maybe do a fundraiser on one of those websites like kickstarter (only for whatever other reasons)? Or...?

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

Terribly sorry to hear of your stressful circumstances. I know it's worrisome .

Sister, I reside in long Island NY with my husband. We have no children and we are both 52 years old. If by some strange coincidence you happen to live in LI You would be welcome to call on us for support . We usually have supplies on hand that we would be happy to share with you. Or if you would like me to send you a little care package with lightbulbs I would be happy to do that.

There is a ministry called www.beinhealth.com. They help people who are born again Christians get to the spiritual roots causing disease and they have a very comprehensive list of diseases and their causes. They lead people through repentance and/or breaking of generational curses and they have absolutely amazing results of healing worldwide. I myself have been healed by reading Pastor Wrights book , "A More Excellent Way"and applying his suggestions. His ministry is globally recognised and his website offers prayer and guidance . Just to get an idea of the root causes of certain diseases you can look at the enclosed link which has a list of conditions and their spiritual causes and see if your medical issues are cited. Then you may be able to solve the problem very quickly and permanently. Cut and paste this link into your browser then Scroll down for the list of diseases and their causes. Just a few weeks ago I met a woman in the parking lot with her baby and somehow she mentioned she was recovering from gall bladder surgery. For some reason I decided to tell her there are spiritual root causes to that disease. She said she believed me completely because she had her gall bladder removed and still has the gallbladder pain. Her doctor said that she had a phantom type experience which was psychological. But she knew she felt the pain physically. You see her problem was rooted in a spiritual condition and the proof was that even when the organ was removed the pain didn't go away. She thanked me for affirming that she was not crazy . Spiritually Rooted Diseases [H Wright et al via Life Application Ministries]

Meanwhile I will pray for you and your family.


God Bless.


"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:6-7

 

[akmom]

Thank you for all your supportive words. I have considered consulting a financial advisor. I don't know if it would be helpful, or just one more expense in order to learn things I already knew. I had a job recently that I really liked but no longer have reliable childcare so it isn't an option at the moment. I have considered doing home day care, and may still, but there are a lot of logistics to work out if that were to work. So far it hasn't looked promising.

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

akmom,

I have found that many times the Lord brings us into uncertain times for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with money. Sometimes he wants to deepen our understanding of reliance on him and have us draw closer to him through need and confusion. Sometimes he is dismantling an idol of comfort and predictability by teaching us to ride the wave of Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be( And this is a healthy attitude of Christian maturity) . Sometimes he is helping us to overcome an hidden sin of being prone to worry. Sometimes he is even dealing with pride . I once found myself working at Costco and it was very hard for me because of my own pride and the inflated view I had of myself. Pride also will keep us from accepting a little help. You don't have to be starving before you are eligible for a bit of Christian friendship and support. Now, having said that I can honestly admit that I too would find it almost impossible to accept help because of my own prideful tendencies (and my intense distrust of others motives) so I do understand how hard that can be. And I'm not implying that pride s a problem for you. I'm just raising various possibilities in case you are wondering why you might be experiencing this trial.

So try to use this time to explore what God may be trying to reveal to you instead of focusing on the surface problem itself.

God bless.

 

[akmom]

Long Island Pilgrim, you are so right. Initially I was sure God was dealing with a pride issue, as being self-sufficient has always been a point of pride for me. I also enjoyed being the person that others could count on... a go-to person if a family needed meals or appetizers for a school function, etc. and it's been extremely hard on my pride to have to turn those things down because of the pressure it puts on the budget.

But I feel like I have worked through that and don't have a pride problem any more. I had become aware of it before all this and worked on it, and this situation has just shown me how deep the pride went and what aspects of myself I had not previously identified as "pride" actually were.

Initially, other Christians assured me it was God's will that I get through this, and about six months ago when we thought we had a diagnosis, friends and family were telling me that God revealed this to them and they knew this was "it" and we were done with this. I always get a little annoyed with people who do that, frankly because I don't believe that people are necessarily getting revelations from God every time they have a positive feeling about positive news. But when the diagnosis proved wrong and the treatment ineffective, no one said a word. And hasn't since. And I'm at peace with that, because I never thought God intended every trial to end in a quick fix. It's just incredibly frustrating to not know what to do in the meantime. If I knew exactly what to expect or what I should do, I could accept that. It's having to make important decisions without knowing that is driving me nuts. It's like driving in a snowstorm and not being able to see what is in front of you. Thank you for your words; it's been a long time since I've heard straightforward wisdom.