Considering separation

[roadie200]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old son. Everyone thinks our marriage is as close to perfect as you can ask for. We try not to fight in public and he generally helps with our son when I ask him when people are around. If they could be a fly on the wall of our home though, they would be shocked.

My husband is very strong-willed, and completely uncompromising - even about the smallest thing. If he does not get what he wants, he completely shuts down. He will not talk to me unless he has to. He plays video games to escape reality.

If I ask him for help, or remind him of something that he seems to have forgotten about, he tells me not to treat him like a child, to treat him with respect. He will not let me discuss problems in our marriage with him, calling me disrespectful or rebellious. He is not wise with his time or finances, but will not let me help (except for depleting MY time and me contributing to the finances.) He will stay up all night, playing video games, before a big meeting or important event. He spends our last $20 on treats for himself when we need the money for milk or bread or diapers. "$20 won't make a difference so I might as well get something good with it," is his excuse.

I now work 4 days a week for my mom and bring my son to work with me. It helps to relieve the financial pressure a little bit, but I am only paid minimum wage. My job and my son suffer for having to combine them; I can’t focus on my job because of my son and I can’t focus on my son because of my job.

He refuses to stick to a budget or schedule. I have lied in the past about how much money I have, because he will spend it all and leave us without. He says, "You have never gone hungry!" but that is because my mom has bailed us out when we didn't have enough for groceries. I am humiliated having to ask my parents for help. He refuses to ask them, saying that because they are my parents, I have to ask.

He tells me that my priorities are mixed up. That I need to put HIM first, before the house or our son. Then tells everyone else that I "have a hard time keeping up with the house and our son." I try to tell him that if he helped me around the house, I would have more time for him. He refuses to lift a finger, but continues to berate me in front of others AND demand more attention from me.

I have tried asking politely, compromising, rewards, positive reinforcement, letting him deal with the natural consequences (i.e. having to go to church in dirty pants because he didn’t put them in the hamper), and when we’re really down to a deadline, nagging. Nothing works with him.

I have tried to get him to go to counselling. He refuses to go or even let me go on my own, saying that he has seen too many marriages ruined by bad counselling. I think the truth of it is that he doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do. My father is the pastor at our church so I don’t feel I can go to him for help since he’s so close to the situation.

I believe in the vows I took on our wedding day and do not want to divorce him. Our son is also getting to the age where he really needs his father. However, I also do not want to continue to live in this environment where I am belittled and made to feel unimportant and like I’m a nuisance, while having to pretend to everyone that everything is perfect.

Any advice is much appreciated.

Anna
Mommy to Aaron Christopher (Born April 16, 2005) and Miriam Elizabeth (Gone to heaven April 7, 2006)

 

[bliz]

Nothing is going to change is you stay put. Can you go back home to your parent's? Some men wake up when their wives walk out and are then willing to work in counseling. Or, that could be the first step to divorce.

 

[roadie200]

No, if I leave him I will likely be cut off by my family, church, and most of my friends. I could stay with my brother and his family in an emergency (like 1 or 2 nights) but he has a full house already.

 

[misti23]

Your situation is tough but it is important that you focus on your son and yourself right now. You mentioned that you would not have any support from your family, friends and/or church members if you choose to leave your husband. If that is the case then you must seek out support from either agencies or other churches. I know that your marraige vows are important to you and they should be but God does not expect us to live in fear. Your husband can not see what he is doing to his family and your leaving may get him to wake up. At first you may feel left out but if you continue to pray about your situation and do what God instructs you to do then it will get better. If you continue to live your daily life according to the scripture then your family, friends and church members will see that you are doing what is best for you and your son. They will also see your husband in a different light. He can not continue to fool everyone with his ways. I will pray for you and please take care of yourself and your son.

 

[roadie200]

Thank you, I'll keep all of that in mind. Any ideas where I could go? or some way I could convince him that he should be the one to leave? He's been out of town for business and is coming back tonight. I guess we'll see what happens.

 

[roadie200]

Also, does anyone know much about child/spousal support? We were apart for 3 months during my pregnancy (waiting on immigration) and I lived with my parents and he only gave me $80 to live off of. If we're seperated is he required to support our son and I or is he off the hook until/unless I divorce him? I don't make enough for us, would have to go on welfare if he didn't give us some support financially. I'm in Canada if that makes a difference in the laws?

 

[hope4today]

I'm really sorry for what you are having to deal with and I will be praying for you. I can't help with agencies or child support questions as I'm from Australia and our laws will be different.

I am wondering about your church and family. Obviously I don't know much about them and why they would cut you off if they left but I'm wondering if they knew the truth about the home situation if they would still do that? You mentioned that to everyone else it looks like a good marriage because of his public behaviour. If they knew what was happening at home would they be more supportive?

Can you go to your father, not as the 'pastor' but simply as your Dad and let him know the truth and ask for his help?

As I said, I don't know how they would respond but thought it might be something to consider.

I agree with the other poster (sorry can't remember the name) who said if your family and church won't support you then find a church that will. Even if you have to call a few, explain the situation and ask whether they can help or advise you where to get help from.


Finally, even though your husband doesn't want it, I would suggest counselling for you, even if he doesn't agree. If you need and want help then get it with or without his approval without feeling guilty

Bless you precious daughter

Hope

 

[fulltime]

After checking into the child support it is different for each age, but between $500.00 and $700 per month per child. As for child it is based on his pay and your living conditions.It should total around 35-50 % 0f his income. He also has to live also so the judge will determine that. It is also based on how much physical custody that each one has. The more the custody the more the pay.Here are some web sites that may help you;MSN Money and then go to the divorce or seperation section. You can also punch in child support calculator and look for the free web sites that will figure it out for you.Just remember these are only rough estimates. If your husband will not pay anything then you can get emgercy child support. All you really have to do is go to your county office building and they can help you with this. The last thing that you can do is ask for a free consult out of the local phone book and they can tell you how much child support/spousal support that you should be recieving. This is based on his income for the year and last 3 pay subs. I hope that this will help you. Good luck and I will will keep you in my prayers.