Confused

[findmydream]

My husband and I are separated for the 2nd time in 2 years. Each time he is the one that wanted the separation. The first time, he moved out and I just gave him his space and time, as everyone around me figured it was just sort of a mid-life crisis thing. He came back after 4 months. I still saw him pretty much every day because we have two school-aged children. This time, I moved out, for several reasons. He admitted to infidelity before we separated and is currently on his 2nd girlfriend (and staying with her) in the nearly 4 months since he finally told me his intentions (took him a couple of months to spit it out). I found a house to rent and moved out Aug 1. Besides the separation, I have also declared bankruptcy due to many debts that were built up from his periods of unemployment and not enough money between us. We have a house that we have a mortgage on, but I don't want it. It has low mortgage payments, but is half an hour from work and needs so much work that even together we haven't been able to afford to maintain it. He won't sell, though. Unfortunately, I can't get my name off the title until I get my name off the mortgage which is unlikely to happen because he will not qualify to take it over on his own (credit/income).

We don't have any sort of legal agreement as to custody of the kids, support or anything. I have been on another divorce board (secular) and everyone was telling me that to protect myself, I have to get this taken care of. I don't have the money to hire a lawyer and this stuff is all new to me. In a way, I don't even think it is right to be getting into all this legal stuff at this point. Not that I want him back (though I feel guilty about that). I haven't felt so much freedom in my life! We have an understanding about the kids and that is pretty much the main part of it. He's not after me for money for the house and I'm not after him for child support. I guess I just don't want to stir things up by going that route. I think if I start with any legal stuff, he will find a way to get back at me, if only through the kids. The kids appear to be happy right now (or at least as happy as is possible in this situation).

What have others done in this situation? Am I putting myself at too much of a risk without any legal documents? I think that divorce is inevitable, but I won't push for it any time soon.

Thanks in advance.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Find,
Welcome t0 CF.
Since your separated, it does look like a good time for him to face the consequences of his actions. So I say stay separated.
That's great that the kids are doing pretty well. Doesn't sound like child support will get you much money. Lawyers - around here one can get an hour with a divorce lawyer for free. Might want to check that out, then have some specific questions to as when you visit. Visit a few over the next few months. That should get you a better understanding of what your situation is and then you will have a good idea which lawyer you want to us it you need one.

Money, keep your own money, work to get accounts separated, your name off all utilities etc. Ask him if he will buy some clothes that one of your children need. Have your own bank accounts, etc.

That's what I'd start to work on.

 

[Annessa3]

if you seriously want want the house, or proceeds, and just want your name off the title, file a quit claim and post a legal notice.

 

[findmydream]

I am in Canada. It will get my name off the title, but not off the mortgage, so unless I can convince him to sell or he defaults (which will keep my credit in the toilet for much longer), I'm stuck with my name on the mortgage and the "responsibility" to the bank for that loan.

 

[dayhiker]

How does your filing bankruptcy effect the mortgage? I'd have thought that would deal with that as well.

 

[findmydream]

It didn't in my case because there wasn't enough equity through sale or refinance to benefit my creditors.

 

[BigDaddy4]

First off, get yourself protected with the legal documents - child support, etc. Not sure what the laws are where you live, but some areas you can file for a legal separation. It will protect you from any custody battles and troubles down the road. You may not want to "stir the pot" now, but you need the legal protection.

Regarding the house and mortgage... Figure out how much equity, if any, would be there if you were to sell at market value. Don't forget to factor in seller's fees of 4-6%. If you are underwater or would have very little equity, it might be wise to include the house in the BK. Then you would not have to pay mortgage and just wait until it is short saled or foreclosed on as part of the BK discharge. Been there done that one.

Best wishes and prayers to you!

 

[findmydream]

My biggest issue with going the legal route is that I just can't afford it. I'm barely making ends meet, let alone having any extra. Even if I went after him for child support, I know he doesn't have it, so that would go nowhere anyways.

I couldn't include the house in the bankruptcy. The sale or refinance is only forced if there is enough equity for creditors. The value of the house, in the condition that it is in (I had an evaluation done, as required by the trustee), is not enough to be of any benefit to creditors (it may even be negative).

 

[BigDaddy4]

My biggest issue with going the legal route is that I just can't afford it. I'm barely making ends meet, let alone having any extra. Even if I went after him for child support, I know he doesn't have it, so that would go nowhere anyways.

Here are a couple of resources I found. Get informed and know your legal rights. he may not have money now for child support, but that does not relieve him of his duty to provide for his child.

Divorce and Separation - Ministry of the Attorney General

Family Law Resources - SASC

I couldn't include the house in the bankruptcy. The sale or refinance is only forced if there is enough equity for creditors. The value of the house, in the condition that it is in (I had an evaluation done, as required by the trustee), is not enough to be of any benefit to creditors (it may even be negative).

I don't know how BK rules are in your area, but I included our underwater condo in our BK. Just waiting for it to be foreclosed on. If your husband won't agree to sell, then stop making payments and let the bank/mortgage company foreclose on it.

Did you file for BK with the advice of a lawyer or on your own? If you didn't use a lawyer, start researching for free consultations.

Doing nothing will get you nothing. I know it's a difficult time right now, but stand strong on your faith in Jesus. He will provide a way where there seems to be no way.

 

[findmydream]

My ex is still paying the mortgage at the moment. I haven't contributed since I moved out. How long he will be able to keep that up, I'm not sure. The house is jointly owned, so unless there was enough equity, nothing would happen to it through the bankruptcy. I did the bankruptcy through a trustee, who walked through my finances and looked at the options, but bankruptcy was the only way to get me out of the mess I was in. The bankruptcy came before I moved out, but at the time I knew I would be leaving.