Confused - am I selfish?

[moodycat]

Hi, U can call me cat. I'm new here.

I am in the process of divorce, 19yrs. I made myself stay that long, because I am a "Christian". I also have 2 teen age sons by him. I finally came to believe that even GOD Himself didn't believe our staying together was good for myself, my boys, or even my ex. So I left and all those yrs of struggling to have faith that if i kept trying that God would answer my prayers and hubby would stop being verbally, emotionally abuseive to myself and my oldest son. Course I didn't have that name for it as I was in the middle of it. I usaully just made excuses for his behavior and told myself I needed to love him more like Jesus would. God would do a mericle someday. oh boy!

Anyway, he played alot of head games on me and my son, and before that my mother was quite good and head games too. To say I'm alittle confused is putting it mildly, lol. I am now going to a counselor too, I am 40yrs old, I am going to grow up!!!!!!! I choose to heal. I feel like I have never really been loved deeply. I am a Christian and i am close to God, He is my strength and hope and my joy. But I beat myself up continually!!!!!! I ended the marriage, I know God was with me on doing that! I and my sons feel so much more PEACE! But now I am ready to dump an longtime friend that I think plays head games on me and I try to avoid her most time anyway. I also am ready to dump my parents who there are some serious childhood issues with. They are clinging to me emotionally in old age and in my honest oppinion I do not feel I own them any emotional support, due to I didnt get any growing up, they are a constant battle for me. I beat myself up all the time beacause I dont visit them often. What a horrible daughter! Your supose to love, honnor your parents. You are just selfish! <staff edit> I don't seem to have any feelings of warmth for them, just mass amounts of guilt i inflict on myself and that they dish out to me too.

I just want to work on my emotional health, I want the next 30 yrs to be better than the last 40. But I cant dump them they are my parents, I would be a bad person! I was molested by half brother couple times when I was 6, this issue was pushed under the rug along with any other ugly thing, my mom thinks this is how to handle the bad things. I am so sick of hating myself because of them. I just want to get on with my life and leave my old aged parents to themselves. Am I selfish? This is wrong, right? This is not Gods way right? it feels so bad to just wipe them out of my life? My concern isnt even there feelings. It is "I am a bad person". I am selfish. I have to know that I am ok with God to in this respect. He is who I lean on for strength to get threw this world.

confused cat

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

No your not selfish. You need to concertrate on you at the moment and not think about other people. By the sounds of it you have had a rough life that has been painful as well. Your not being selfish by concertrating on you and trying to heal and leave your past behind you.

I dont really have any advice about your parents as I am still young and have never experience that situation with my parents.

Leaving your husband was a good thing, no one should have to put up with head games and abuse. Take time now to let yourself heal, and if that means concertrating on yourself, it doesnt make you selfish.

 

[moodycat]

Thank you kiwi, for the encouragement and understanding. U made a good point when u said "at the moment". Course my parents are old and may not live forever as they keep reminding me when they don't see as often as they like. But I can atleast give myself permission for now to work on just me and help my boys and my life is definatly changed now that i'm doing it all on my own. Oh, I hate guilt.

 

[BlessedMommy05]

I think you hit a limit and we all have them.. Sometimes we put up with stuff because its the norm or by being a good "Christian" but I also believe God would have given us brains to make right choices even if those choices arent always good ones but nevertheless they are choices.. I dont think anyone should live in or under any kind of abuse weather verbal, emotional or physical or sexual.. Its all not great and for the most part we have to not only do whats best for us as people, a wife and mother, but whats best for our children.. Having kids live in an abusive situation isnt advisable but what can you do? Some times we all gotta have the spine to standup and move forward..

Kudo's to you for doing so.. Counseling will help you see the good the bad and the ugly in things you've endured but in the long run will help you see clearly whats been there all along.. I thank God that you are chooseing healing and wholeness.. At least its a big step and some times big steps are hard to take.. God bless you on this journey...