confused about relationships. help needed?

[chaplainjared]

This question is very general, i dont really know what im doing asking it here...but here goes...

I was in a relationship until this morning actually, when..reluctantly i ended it.
We have been together for just over a year now...but a few months ago something started to change. Instead of her being my princess and me looking forward to seeing her, i started loosing interest, she wasnt my princess anymore and it started to become a chore to see her after work etc. Anyway, i went through life with it like this for a few months until today when i decided that this is stupid and there is no point being in this relationship. So i ended it, but it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do...yes i care about her alot, and i have cried heaps since. so can anyone shed some light on whats wrong with me? i break up with her, and now feel like the biggest loser in the world. I couldnt give her the attention she needed before, but now i cant stop thinking about the situation and thinking if i should have done this or not....

 

[Pikachelsea]

Hi chaplainjared,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time with the break-up. Sounds like you're not entirely sure why it happened yourself!

I guess my first question would be this: Can you think of any reasons why it became a chore to visit her? Do you think she changed as a person and wasn't as fun to be around? Were you having relationship issues which you dreaded talking about whenever you saw her? Or did the novelty wear off your relationship and it just wasn't exciting to be around her anymore? And most importantly, whatever the problem was, did you ever talk to your girlfriend about it when you first started noticing it? Problems can't be solved unless they're brought out in the open and honestly discussed.

I'm a little confused as to why it would be so hard to break up with her, if it was such a big chore to spend time with her. I realize you were together for a long time, but usually people break up when they're not happy with what they're getting out of the relationship anymore, in which case the break-up is sometimes painful but welcome.

Also, was it a mutual break-up? What was her reaction to your decision to break up with her? Did she seem angry, disappointed, sad, relieved, surprised..?

Thanks for sharing your story here... I hope you can get the insight you're looking for.

 

[chaplainjared]

She was histerically sad/angry/sad.
She wasnt expecting it at all.

We do have issues, and we have had for a while, and perhaps they wernt brought up and discussed properly as they should have been. i really dont know. It shouldnt be this hard...

 

[Pikachelsea]

Yeah, it sounds like your issues weren't really brought up before... perhaps she wasn't even aware that there was a problem.

It's important to realize that every relationship will have its lulls, fights, and tough times... the thing to remember is that they can (and often will) be hard to get through. However, in my opinion, if you have real, lasting love between yourself and your SO, there's nothing you can't overcome with commitment, patience, and inviting God's guidance in your life through prayer. When you truly love that person, you'll be willing to overcome all odds and talk out all problems until you're blue in the face, as long as you somehow reach a resolution, because they're worth the effort.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be between you two... it's entirely possible. I don't know enough of the circumstances there to really say one way or the other. But I hope you didn't break up with her just because things got a little hard. There's no such thing as the perfect, effortless, work-free relationship! It will really take effort on both parties' behalves to keep it going in the long run. When problems come up, they need to be addressed, or they will only return to haunt you later, possibly worse than before.

 

[Scottish Joy]

We do have issues, and we have had for a while, and perhaps they wernt brought up and discussed properly as they should have been. i really dont know. It shouldnt be this hard...

What kind of issues, if it's not tooo nosy to ask? Major issues, or minor things?? I know from experience that if you have problems & you put off talking about them, it takes alot of the fun out of being together. Once we discussed them, things lightened back up & we were left with a closer relationship, and more respect for each other for having gone thru it together.

Instead of her being my princess and me looking forward to seeing her, i started loosing interest, she wasnt my princess anymore and it started to become a chore to see her after work etc.

Think hard about it, was there something specific going on/something she'd do, that just got under your skin? Were you seeing too much of each other for the level of commitment in your relationship? Just guessing here. I sure hope you can get things figured out!

 

[Pope Gonzo]

The vast majority of relationships go through a stage, probably multiple stages, where it feels like a chore. If that was your main reason for breaking up, I would sit down with her and talk to her. Something to the affect of, "Maybe I was being rash. I'm just confused about *insert the feelings that made you want to break up with her*, can we talk about it?"

 

[InTheFlame]

CJ - I'd really recommend having a look at a book called Boundaries Before Marriage (by Drs Cloud & Townsend). If you read the book and take a hard, honest look at yourself, your ex and the relationship while doing so, I think it should help you pinpoint what some of the problems were and why things went downhill... and what you could've done better. I'm not calling you a bad guy - but hey whenever a relationship goes bad there's bound to be SOMETHING each person could've done better, right?

God bless.

 

[SirKenin]

I think you just found out what life was all about and instead of facing it you ran from it.

There is a honeymoon period where everything is a bowl of cherries. After that come the pits. The relationship becomes work to maintain. EVERY relationship is like that, no matter what anyone might tell you. You will have to work hard to keep the doors of communication open. Once that stops the relationship fails. Remember, trust, communication and respect. Any one of those three go missing and the relationship is doomed, guaranteed.

I would go back to her and try and talk out the problems and remember that it takes work. You can't expect to sit on your duff and have this warm fuzzy feeling fall into your lap for the rest of your life. After being married for ten years and being common law married I can promise you that.

Best wishes.