Confronting my abuser

[Grateful4God]

I don't know if many of you saw my recent post in ChristianAdvice forum so I am going to give a much shorter version of my story.

I was abused as a child, by an uncle who is about 7 years older than me. He is now the golden boy of the family. My Grandmothers savior fr the family. I love my grandmother and would be heart broken to destroy a fraction of her happiness in her final years of her life (although she is strong health 75 years old now). This would tear apart my family. My mom is very close with both my uncle and my grandmother. However my family is pure drama. I started a huge fight just by suggesting I may have Thanksgiving at my house this year with my wife, children and friends. I couldnt take the family uproar that started and eventualy I caved, changed plans and will sit there and pretend to respect this guy for yet another holiday.

I am getting strong anger lately. I am dreading Thanksgiving. I cant hold this in any longer. So I have decided to confront him one on one.

How do I do it?

Do I just be direct and bold and tell him he needs to repent?

If I Give him a chance to deny this ever happened (I think he thinks I forget....) it will enrage me. If it turns out he carries no remorse I cant help but want to slap him. (not saying I will)

Do I do it before, after or on the holiday?

If he denies this and shows no remorse do I have an obligation to bring this secret to light? WHat if he has abused ohers in my family? My little sitter? My little cousin?

Am I being selfish protecting my family?

I need to do this. That is all I know. For my own peace of mind, and the abilty to move forward in putting this behind me. I need to confront him, if not I am bound to explode and say something to my mother. That would be bad for the family. She is a drama queen.

I have so much on my mind. I think about this all day. It is always on my mind. I will go mad. Deep inside I want JUSTICE! I want EVERYONE to know. I want him to be shamed and tormented by his actions like I have for my whole life.

 

[SoFarAway]

Hi!
First, congratulations on wanting to take such a huge step. The desire for justic is something a lot of people yearn for but cannot seem to muster up the courage to speak. I have found myself in the same dilemma as you. I see all the negatives that can possibly accompany telling the family about another's abuse toward you. In my case, I do not see the benefits outweighing the risks. In your case, I think it would be healthy to do so. You have a wife and kids. I don't think it's fair for them to have to go through another family holiday with such a huge thing going on in the undertones of the circumstance.
Have you considered confronting your uncle before Thanksgiving? If you did before Thanksgiving, maybe you'd be able to to get it out to the rest of your family. If they do not wish to have Thanksgiving with you, then at least you and your family can hav your own peaceful holiday. And plus, I think you'll just downright feel better.
The only thing I'll say is, be prepared for the fallout. Be ready for your uncle to deny everything and then be ready for your family to take his side. If he is truly the "goldenboy" then I forsee trouble.
I really hope this works out for you. Seeking justice can be the last thing we need to feel validation for what's happened to us. And most importantly, it can help us heal.
You're braver than I am! I know you'll get through!
God Bless!

 

[Grateful4God]

I am not braver. I have done nothing yet. I go though this torture every holiday.

 

[SoFarAway]

I should have put it as that you have quite a bit more ambition to confront your abuser than I do.
You deserve to have a peaceful holiday.

 

[Grateful4God]

I did not confront him. I did the same routine I do year after year. Next is Christmas Eve. The whole family gathers at his house. I've already decided I am not stopping by. I felt obligated for Thanksgiving because it is my moms yearly thing. I feel no obligation to show up at his house forever.

My family does know now I'd rather not be around him. There is confusion as to why. Yet nobody has come out and asked me. Not even he has, but then again why would he subject himself to that. He obviously knows why I can't stand to be around him.

The way I see it. Let him come up with an excuse why I refuse to go over his house.

 

[SoFarAway]

Holidays are always rough...I completely understand.
I'm sorry Thanksgiving wasn't what you had hoped it to be. I understand doing things to appease your mother though. That was kind of you, although it still seems quite unfair that we suffer trying to do the right thing for others by putting our feelings aside.

I hope your things are peaceful for you heading into Christmas!