Compulsive lying ruining my life

[maygrace]

Hello...

I've been a compulsive liar all my life. Some of the lies are almost insignificant, really stupid things for which there is absolutely no point at all of being deceptive.

Around three years ago, I created an online persona who is nothing like me at all. I've had a pretty hard life, but this online persona has had an even tougher one.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe to make myself feel better about what is going on for me in reality. The lies are extremely messed up, but were never malicious nor did they hurt anyone and these lies aren't ever to make myself seem better or anything like that, they actually make me seem like a worse person.

I'm being completely eaten up by guilt, I've never felt so horrific...I'd never felt this type of guilt until now. My head's a mess and all these thoughts are running around and causing chaos. I've confessed everything to God. I've prayed and prayed but I'm still guilty.

I've convinced myself that in heaven, somehow everyone I've lied to will find out the messed up things I've told them aren't true and I'm really scared. I KNOW in my heart God forgives me but I can't get rid of these feelings. I've closed the account and erased the persona from my life. I felt that since I haven't hurt anyone but myself and God with the lies, I only need to admit them to myself, which is the hardest thing I've ever done, and admit them to God.

I began to even believe my lies. Just needed to get all of this off my chest somewhere. Advice would really be appreciated.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[A_Thinker]

I've prayed and prayed but I'm still guilty.

What you mean is ... I've prayed and prayed but I still "feel" guilty.

God has forgiven you. It's time to forgive yourself ...

 

[A_Thinker]

I've convinced myself that in heaven, somehow everyone I've lied to will find out the messed up things I've told them aren't true and I'm really scared.

Everybody in heaven willl welcome you as a former sinner ... just as they are ...

 

[t-wings]

Do you still do it?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Some things in life are not easy to quit, despite what other thinks who have not gone through them OR are the minority who could stop cold turkey. Lying is something I grew up watching my mom. Its still something I struggle with. Not lies like you were doing with personas and what not. But for example instead of telling a friend why I don't want to hang out, I create a "white lie". Or in the case of my mom and wife, I've have to twist the truth a little to avoid a conflict.

Not saying that like its ok to do. Its not. But sometimes I am stuck between a rock and a rock. God forgive me for those times when I lie/exaggerate the truth. Though it may have something to do with my anxiety issues.

Rant aside, the fact you feel guilty is a good thing. Because if didn't feel guilty then it would mean you didn't care about lying. So ask for forgiveness, strength...etc and move on. God forgives. Even at times when we question how could God be so forgiving of such messed up creations. Work on not lying, try to be more honest. Even if its scary at times. Will you ever stop 100%? Who knows. Some people can, some can't.

But as long as you have that guilt when you mess up, you know your still doing ok. With only one exception. And that is if plan to pray for a lie you want to say ahead of time. Like in your head your saying "Man, I have to tell this person the truth, Maybe I'll just lie and then pray for forgivness after! That works!". It means at that point your for a lack of better words slapping God in the face as if He doesn't notice what your doing. Your abusing His Grace.