Afternoon all, I hate to be the kind of person who jumps onto a board and immediately drops a big, "Woe is me" post on everyone, but I'm afraid it's necessary.
I'm going to try to sum this up as briefly as possible. Three months ago after a relentless period of truth seeking I broke down and gave my life to Our Lord. The initial experience, the profound feeling of peace, the immense joy, the newfound sense of purpose, all of it was overwhelmingly real to me.
But in the time since then the Joy and Peace has been all but completely replaced by Darkness and Despair. I now spend much of my time in absolute agony.
I'd been in a relationship with a woman whom I absolutely love and adore for three years, and we've lived together for two of those. She is the kindest, most wonderful woman I've ever encountered. While she fell from her walk a few years prior to meeting me, she never wavered in her Faith and honestly was the only one who could have ever lead me to seek Jesus. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and as a result of their perversion of The Gospel I never really believed in the "Realness" of the biblical God.
Which brings me to now. I've purchased an engagement ring, I want to marry her more than anything, and she wants to marry me more than anything. The rub is, she has been seperated and going through a divorce for five years now. While it looks like it may end soon (Please Lord!), the truth is if this guy elects to really fight he could cause this thing to drag on for ??? longer.
This is the state I was in when I found the Lord. I promised her son (a missionary) that I'd wait for her until we could get married, and we have both honored that for three months now.
IT IS KILLING, K-I-L-L-I-N-G ME! I went from the most amazing (daily) sex life ever to this, and every day seems worse than the one before. I have found myself slipping deeper and deeper into anger, resentment, and depression with each passing day. My tremendous Zeal at first has waned to the point that I went from reading and listening to as much teaching as I could find to barely being able to muster getting up and going to work every day. My normal "happy go lucky" personality has been replaced by nothing but doom and gloom. I hate that I'm so simple to completely dismantle, but right now I can't see much of anything good in life. I've found myself so hateful toward the ex (whom I now percieve as the person standing in the way of MY happiness and life) that I, well, I won't even go there. Suffice it to say that I find myself sincerely begging God every day for forgiveness for my murderous anger.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm completely miserable, and this situation has not only sapped the joy out of serving God, but out of my life as a whole. As terrible as it sounds, I've found myself regretting having answered his call during this time. What should be a joyful time in my life seems like Hell on Earth to me.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, really. If it's answers I'm seeking, I guess the answer is simple, "Obey God." Perhaps it's comfort I'm seeking, perhaps advice. If we were in Isreal divorce took all of a day (here are your papers, goodbye), and according to their traditions she and I would already be married.
So how do I maintain obedience (and do so joyfully) when the net result of my walk thus far seems to be removing the thing that I hold closest from me? What is required of me by God as obedience in this situation?
Thanks in advance
I'm going to try to sum this up as briefly as possible. Three months ago after a relentless period of truth seeking I broke down and gave my life to Our Lord. The initial experience, the profound feeling of peace, the immense joy, the newfound sense of purpose, all of it was overwhelmingly real to me.
But in the time since then the Joy and Peace has been all but completely replaced by Darkness and Despair. I now spend much of my time in absolute agony.
I'd been in a relationship with a woman whom I absolutely love and adore for three years, and we've lived together for two of those. She is the kindest, most wonderful woman I've ever encountered. While she fell from her walk a few years prior to meeting me, she never wavered in her Faith and honestly was the only one who could have ever lead me to seek Jesus. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and as a result of their perversion of The Gospel I never really believed in the "Realness" of the biblical God.
Which brings me to now. I've purchased an engagement ring, I want to marry her more than anything, and she wants to marry me more than anything. The rub is, she has been seperated and going through a divorce for five years now. While it looks like it may end soon (Please Lord!), the truth is if this guy elects to really fight he could cause this thing to drag on for ??? longer.
This is the state I was in when I found the Lord. I promised her son (a missionary) that I'd wait for her until we could get married, and we have both honored that for three months now.
IT IS KILLING, K-I-L-L-I-N-G ME! I went from the most amazing (daily) sex life ever to this, and every day seems worse than the one before. I have found myself slipping deeper and deeper into anger, resentment, and depression with each passing day. My tremendous Zeal at first has waned to the point that I went from reading and listening to as much teaching as I could find to barely being able to muster getting up and going to work every day. My normal "happy go lucky" personality has been replaced by nothing but doom and gloom. I hate that I'm so simple to completely dismantle, but right now I can't see much of anything good in life. I've found myself so hateful toward the ex (whom I now percieve as the person standing in the way of MY happiness and life) that I, well, I won't even go there. Suffice it to say that I find myself sincerely begging God every day for forgiveness for my murderous anger.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm completely miserable, and this situation has not only sapped the joy out of serving God, but out of my life as a whole. As terrible as it sounds, I've found myself regretting having answered his call during this time. What should be a joyful time in my life seems like Hell on Earth to me.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, really. If it's answers I'm seeking, I guess the answer is simple, "Obey God." Perhaps it's comfort I'm seeking, perhaps advice. If we were in Isreal divorce took all of a day (here are your papers, goodbye), and according to their traditions she and I would already be married.
So how do I maintain obedience (and do so joyfully) when the net result of my walk thus far seems to be removing the thing that I hold closest from me? What is required of me by God as obedience in this situation?
Thanks in advance
