Compatability

I think this depends on the couple really. The following is just my view but I think that there needs to be some things that you don't have in common so that you're not always doing things together. You need not have the same hobbies for example but it's a question of balance. Having some hobbies in common, or finding new ones you both like doing, would be beneficial as you could spend time together doing them. Basically, most people would not wish to spend every waking hour with their other half. More often than not it's either not possible or is detrimental to the relationship as everyone needs some time alone.

My husband and I did have different religious beliefs, and they still do differ slightly. When we first got together I was pagan and he didn't strongly believe in anything. This did not affect our relationship at all and I know of some pagans who have christian partners and there relationships are working well. That said religious belief can be a huge part of a persons life so a relationship may be somewhat easier should you share the same. Now I'm Christian I do feel more comfortable about it. He was brought up a Christian and, whilst he doesn't strongly believe in it, he does believe. There was never any conflict between us due to my paganism...he'd always said that my beliefs are up to me. It's my mind and my thoughts and he wouldn't try changing them because that would change me. So with us it's always been a case of "You can believe what you want, I can believe what I want and we won't try and convert the other". So to be honest, this really depends on the other persons views.

As for things like taste in music...I'd say it doesn't have to be exactly the same. In my opinion, it does help if you like similar things in this area so that when you play your music you're not annoying your other half. But, like I say, it doesn't need to be exactly the same...there'll be songs you like and they don't and vice versa. And if you're willing to use headphones or if your partner doesn't like it but doesn't mind it then it need not be the same at all. TV...well if you have more than one and don't mind watching it alone then no...doesn't matter what you like watching. If you only have one then compromise. I don't think TV is something that would stop a relationship being successful..so long as you don't get into fights over who get's the remote

Just my opinions really. I don't think there's any particular rules, least none that I can think of any at this time on a Saturday morning Basically, it'll differ from couple to couple.

twistedsketch said:

Juat wanted to ask you married folks out there this question because I know you'll have a better answer than the single people. What things in common need to be there for two people to be compatable? Just the big things like beliefs, or should it get down to what kind of music & TV you both like as well? Also, what are some things that successful couples don't need to have in common?

Click to expand...

I hate it when people respond to a question like this with a recommendation to read a book.
In response to your question, I highly recommend you read this book : Sorry, but it is a great book about how little one need to have in common to be happily married: My wife and I bought it before we got married and we now give it as a Wedding gift to anyone.
Incompatibility: Still Grounds for a Great Marriage
by Chuck and Barbara Snyder
Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 1999
or follow this link (if it works)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1576735737/qid=1090069110/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/002-3671058-4528033?v=glance&s=books

Tommy

I agree with starelda.
My husband and I really dont have alot in common. we dont share the same music interest or movie interest. He likes hunting and I find it to be a barbaric sport. I want more kids he doesnt....wait you didn't want to hear about my problems lol.. really I think it takes alot of love to keep a couple going. We have a lot of interest too. we both like motocross, cars and tons of other things. I think you need differences because you cant be together every waking moment all the time and you need things to make you you.
hope this helps.
-Jillian

*shrugs* Like everyone else thusfar, I think that it depends on the couple. My husband and I have a general compatibility, but we have different tastes in some areas. Just so long as we can share things together and have a good time, it doesn't create any problems. The only thing that we ever did have serious issues with concerning compatibility was with religious beliefs. When we weren't on the same page, it threw our whole household into a tizzy.

In the long run, your religious beliefs will make a big difference, especially once children come along. Romantic love gives you a high that will cover up your differences for the first year or two, maybe a little longer, but if you want a marriage that can endure the long term, spiritual compatibility is essential.

A similar view of finances is also important. You both need to be responsible and on the same wave-length when it comes to spending & saving.

Ditto for child-rearing & discipline.

I don't think music, hobbies, same political party, etc. are essential, although you should have at least a couple in common. You'll each need time on your own sometimes, so differing hobbies can be a blessing. My husband likes woodwork and mechanics, while I like to sew and knit, but they are both skillsets that involve working with our hands, using tools of different sorts to create something beautiful and functional. So there is a compatibility of thinking in our hobbies, although the hobbies themselves are different. Even if our hobbies were completely different, that wouldn't necessarily be a barrier. A lot just depends on your own personalities; some people need more personal space within marriage, and some need more togetherness.

You need to be compatible physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Differences are good in tastes and what have you and they can compliment each other, but that depends on whether one is dominant, one submissive, both dominant or both submissive. If you're both dominant, look out. You'll have lots of fights. Been there, done that. It was horrible.

Please don't confuse individual tastes and intersests with compatibility. I also believe that it's wrong to confuse personality types with compatibility. I think the good Dr. has a very good point in his first stentence: You need to be compatable spiritually.

EVERYTHING ELSE, aside from our relationship with Jesus, is negotiable. What makes us unique as people is also what causes us to struggle in relatinoships - our differences are focused on more than our similarities. Interests, hobbies, goals, sex, housing, jobs, etc... all that can be negotiated in a marriage as long as the two people have one other thing in common: a desire to accept and love the other person intimately without pursuing change, but with a heart of giving and sacrifice. If both people have that trait, negotiation is very doable.

Compatability is built out of a desire to love the other person in a pure, non-selfish, not "contractual" way. Afterall, marriage is a covenant: it's about giving to the other person, sacrificing who we are, putting that other persons needs above ours, etc. If both people are doing that, all works out and you are indeed very compatable.

I know a lot of people will say "that can't work if only one person does it!!!" Or "it's not fair!" Hmmm... Tell that to Jesus...

I firmly believe that any two people can get married and have a healthy and happy marriage as long as they both have a heart for God and a desire to following our Lord first and foremost - that's what binds us together as Christians, as people and in a marriage. Everything else is just... well... stuff.

That's my $122.45...

Humor is a big part of our marriage. If I didn't have someone to laugh with I think that I'd feel so overwhelmingly lonely. We share a lot of interests and try things that the other likes and do things that are our hobbies alone. I think that beliefs are important to have in common because if they are too differing then you may be constantly arguing about issues that you base your life around.

Hubby and i dont really have much in common at all. We have totally different tastes in music, different kind of sense of humour. Religion wise i am Catholic he is Atheist although it hasnt presented any problems and we have been married for 11 years. One thing we do agree on is how to raise our Son.

One thing I forgot to mention.

I think every couple needs to have their differences. If you don't, you'll find yourselves in a rut. Differences encourage growth and expanded horizons. They bring with them new challenges.

I am in agreement - all that is essential is a shared relationship in Jesus Christ.

There are a lot of different models for sucessful marriages and no two marriages need to look alike. Some of the marriages that most perplex me are often also among the happiest and longest lasting. I do feel that things go better if there are some other things that are shared:

* humor - it goes a long way if each person can make the other laugh
* shared goals - if one of you dreams of a life of luxury and the other missionary life in
jungle, things will be a little stressful
* children - to have or not to have - an issue that is very hard to compromise on since you either have 'em or your don't

Yes, those thing can be worked out, but things will go a little smoother if a couple doesn't have to hammer out common ground on important issues.

I'll be married next month. My fiance and I have a lot of differences in tastes. We grew up pretty different. He loves country music and I love alternative rock. He is very much into politics (a strong Republican) and I don't usually try to get into that stuff. At first I was really bothered that we seemed like such different people. We had to compromise when we listen to the radio together. I thought he was weird when he told me about the political stuff he was invoved in. But we have gotten to know each other pretty well and learned that its okay that we have such different tastes. He'll sometimes listen to my rock and I'll sometimes listen to his country. I have even developed and interest in politics somewhat, but that mostly is due to the presidential race.
As far as church goes, I grew up going to a Methodist church and he grew up in the Pentecostal church. We had different styles of worship that we had gotten used to. I was used to the more traditional, tame services and he was used to very energized ones. I thought his church was too much. He thought mine was too little. lol. We're working to find a church that both of us can enjoy and learn from.
Because neither of us was stubborn and try to instist on one kind of church, we are exploring new ways of worship. I'm a pretty stubborn person and so is he, so this is a wonderful thing.
I'm just glad I didn't get hung up on our differences, I am so happy now!

I don't think that a shared relationship in Christ is necessary, really. Although it is really nice, what I am talking about is being on the same spiritual plain. Your partner should have an awareness of spiritual things at the least, even if they don't profess a saving knowledge of Christ.

Although it can work if you aren't on that same plain, and there are plenty of examples out there to prove otherwise as our colleague mcb1998au has pointed out, generally speaking things will go a lot smoother if you do. You need to have the same moral values, the same basic belief structure. Else, one partner will be yearning to go down one path, one the other. The person that is dominant will determine which direction the relationship takes. If both are dominant, look out! In an institution that is already strained, there is no sense adding more to one's plate.

This I figured out the hard way

drfeelgood said:

One thing I forgot to mention.

I think every couple needs to have their differences. If you don't, you'll find yourselves in a rut. Differences encourage growth and expanded horizons. They bring with them new challenges.

Click to expand...

I'm actually very glad that you metioned that, Doc... I've heard so many people going through break ups or divorce say "we were just too different"... but they can never quantify that.

My ex said this to me once as well - our dreams our different. HUH? Well, let's list them out and see if there's any over lap. Her dreams were way cool!

Anyway, the Dr's point is very sound and very true. Differences are what attract us to each other to begin with, what excite us about the other person, what help us to grow as individuals. Balance is the key.

twistedsketch said:

Juat wanted to ask you married folks out there this question because I know you'll have a better answer than the single people. What things in common need to be there for two people to be compatable? Just the big things like beliefs, or should it get down to what kind of music & TV you both like as well? Also, what are some things that successful couples don't need to have in common?

Click to expand...

It seems that the consensus on such things is quite varried. My painful experience has taught me that the incompatibilities must not lead to being judgemental. If one person feels judged because of their preference of music or hobbies or whatever than big problems can occur. The most important thing though is to be completely honest about everything - no secrets. I think you are much better off doing visibly the things your partner dislikes (or stopping them altogether) than doing them behind his or her back.

These what I found about compatibility (as the Doc said:"after that painful period") :

- It's better to have the same faith & go to the same church incl have a same vision. It could be pretty hard sometimes to be on your own everytime you go to church. I reckon it'll be so great if husband & wife can worship God together in one accord

- Other than above, it's all about compromising. Basically I share yours, you share mine. Respect each other and take part in each other's interests.

However, what I think is very useful (meaning less arguments in the family) is:
- Compatibility in intellectuals, coz' it's hard to discuss your works/future ambition with someone who doesn't understand them, this might lead to temptations from work, you know when they say "I found someone else that can understand me better". This depends also on how complicated you and your partner are as well, though. I mean, my husband always like to discuss about computer, investments, economics, interest rate, shares, etc... Praise God, even though I don't know it as much as he does, but because we both have university degree, we're still connected in this subject. He even told me the main reason that he was attracted to me was because he can actually talk about all sort of different things to me. But I can't imagine, for example, my mum n dad talking about these, they wouldn't get a clue. Their minds are most simple than ours, I suppose. But also, we wouldn't have a clue when my mum n dad talking about gardening.

Hope these are useful (and not making you even more confused)

Well, I'm not married... but from what I know, I would say that it's essential to be compatible in several ways: spiritual, intellectual, emotional, social, and physical.... if you don't have one, a friendship may still work, but for me at least, I would see it very hard to have a marriage.