- Apr 23, 2004
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Writing sights I have looked at said the first paragraph and first page were the most important in grabbing a publisher's/reader's attention.
So I thought I would submit my first half page and see what you think.
Dead Boring, slightly boring, weak start, not bad, got my attention please post more, kind of critique.
I guess I should ask those that are disinterested in Fantasy stories to limit thier comment, as it would probably be boring even if it
was written by Tolken, or other fantasy/Scifi acclaimed authors.
** ** ** ** **
The beginning
Aritae walks out into the crisp spring air. Humans might think it was cold but Aritae liked it a little cool. She even wore summer clothes when others wore heavy cloaks. Her friends in town said she was hot blooded. She wears a summer Elven dress, her legs were visible above her knees, some said the dress was to short, mostly the aristocratic townswomen, and even some married female commoners. She did not care. She dressed as she was comfortable. She was not brought up in town. Even today she is a loner, preferring to stay in the Swiftspine mountain caverns. She could research more magic in her lab, harvest the unique herbs that grew in the damp part of her caves, or climb to the peak of the mountain and stare out over the trees across the forest.
Just for fun she would scry the local town bar or other locations and for practice, Look with the assistance of her magic at what is going on in town. It kept her up on current events and gossip. She did not go into town much. The men, human and Elves were distracted by both, her and her sisters beauty. It mattered not what she wore, she tried wearing a monk’s burlap robe, and still they followed her. The only peace was found if she entered town with her hood pulled over her head, so no one would see her face. This was very uncomfortable and hot. So she only went to town to trade on special occasions.
Her sister lived just league to the north, a couple hours as the bird flies. She too, was a loner. She on occasions invites other weapons masters to her mountain home, to challenge her to a duel. She is a weapons master. She practices most of the day, and researches all the great leaders their tactics and fighting styles when she rests. Mage or spell master and Weapons master was no lost title on them. They were young, but had a life expectancy of five generations of humans. Her sister, named Katia, and Aritae had already been on many adventures and each had chests of gold and other treasures hidden in their homes. From the peak of Swiftspine mountain she could see the peak of her sister’s mountain.
Aritae loved her sister, but they did not visit often. They would annoy each other quickly. They were loners even to their family. Aritae and Katia’s mother, Vanimedle had visited once since Aritae had moved away. There was something about having another woman in her home, that. Just annoyed them all, even daughter or sisters.
Sons did not bother their Mother as much. But Aritae’s little brother was quickly approaching the time when he would be expected to go out in the world and find himself a homestead. It was the way of her family.
So I thought I would submit my first half page and see what you think.
Dead Boring, slightly boring, weak start, not bad, got my attention please post more, kind of critique.
I guess I should ask those that are disinterested in Fantasy stories to limit thier comment, as it would probably be boring even if it
was written by Tolken, or other fantasy/Scifi acclaimed authors.
** ** ** ** **
The beginning
Aritae walks out into the crisp spring air. Humans might think it was cold but Aritae liked it a little cool. She even wore summer clothes when others wore heavy cloaks. Her friends in town said she was hot blooded. She wears a summer Elven dress, her legs were visible above her knees, some said the dress was to short, mostly the aristocratic townswomen, and even some married female commoners. She did not care. She dressed as she was comfortable. She was not brought up in town. Even today she is a loner, preferring to stay in the Swiftspine mountain caverns. She could research more magic in her lab, harvest the unique herbs that grew in the damp part of her caves, or climb to the peak of the mountain and stare out over the trees across the forest.
Just for fun she would scry the local town bar or other locations and for practice, Look with the assistance of her magic at what is going on in town. It kept her up on current events and gossip. She did not go into town much. The men, human and Elves were distracted by both, her and her sisters beauty. It mattered not what she wore, she tried wearing a monk’s burlap robe, and still they followed her. The only peace was found if she entered town with her hood pulled over her head, so no one would see her face. This was very uncomfortable and hot. So she only went to town to trade on special occasions.
Her sister lived just league to the north, a couple hours as the bird flies. She too, was a loner. She on occasions invites other weapons masters to her mountain home, to challenge her to a duel. She is a weapons master. She practices most of the day, and researches all the great leaders their tactics and fighting styles when she rests. Mage or spell master and Weapons master was no lost title on them. They were young, but had a life expectancy of five generations of humans. Her sister, named Katia, and Aritae had already been on many adventures and each had chests of gold and other treasures hidden in their homes. From the peak of Swiftspine mountain she could see the peak of her sister’s mountain.
Aritae loved her sister, but they did not visit often. They would annoy each other quickly. They were loners even to their family. Aritae and Katia’s mother, Vanimedle had visited once since Aritae had moved away. There was something about having another woman in her home, that. Just annoyed them all, even daughter or sisters.
Sons did not bother their Mother as much. But Aritae’s little brother was quickly approaching the time when he would be expected to go out in the world and find himself a homestead. It was the way of her family.
