Come Into The Deep End... with ImHisServant (2)

TrustingmyLord said:

Friday 12/8/06
Conflict

Wow, this one really hit home. Apparently, I am an appeaser. I avoid conflict. I give in. I surrender. I dont, however, have a martyr complex or wallow in self pity. I used to though. Slowly, with Gods help, I am getting better at it. I am reminded of Psalms 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

I think alot of my appeasing has been due to fear. Fear of making people angry, fear of rejection. The more secure I become in my relationship with God, the more I feel his strength within me. I may still hate confrontation, but I am learning to speak up when needed and not to do things our of a people pleasing attitude.

I found that part about the Genrty and Rogers family to be very, very funny and ironic. This is my husband and I! He has the attitude of "If I pester you, it means I like you." I have always been a tad more serious... if I like you, I will sit down and have a big serious talk about how truly awesome I think you are. LOL I have learned to lighten up a bit over the years and I can handle my husbands teasing better, and he has learned to be more gentle about it with me.

As far as the way spouses wake up, we have dealt with that one as well. I think everyone has some strange, secret set of rules that we go by, often without even realizing it. Our spouses are not mind readers. An example.... my rules. When I wake up, feel free to say good morning, after that, leave me the heck alone for at least an hour!!! I am BIG on this rule, I take it so seriously that I wake up an hour early each weekday, at 5:30, just to have my time to wake up and be less of a grouch. I even wake up early on weekends now too. I also have other rules. When I just get home, just walk through the door, do not ask for anything for at least 20 minutes. Rules like this have often been my "secret" rules. I felt this way, but did not quite realize it, so I would get irritated and not know why.

I agree that instead of hoping to change our spouse, we should concentrate on ourselves. Change our behavior, our reactions, etc, and I have found that this works extremely well. Does it change my spouse? Not always, but it changes my outlook and helps me to better deal with smaller issues.

There is one thing I struggle much with. My facial expressions tend to give me away. I may try to do something out of love, may try to say kind words, do a nice action, I may be sincerely wanting to do something nice, but something in me resents it and is angry. Its written all over my face. My husband has told me this. I know its true. Its something I need to pray about. There are times when my heart is not 100% in the right place. This is what appeasing does to you. Be warned. People pleasing is a horrible disease. I feel like I should do "this" or "that" to make someone happy, but theres a part of me that begins to question it... what am I still giving when I get nothing in return? Why am I agreeing when I want to speak out and disagree?

Its something, as I said, I am overcoming with Gods help, but it is a very slow process.

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I can alost ditto this word for word..which right now saves me a lot of typing, which can be painful right now.
(((((You)))))

Friday 12/8/06
Conflict...

I am one that has for most of my adult life, never been an 'appeaser'...rather, if something upsets me, I let it out in then it is gone, dealt with and I move on from there.
This probably stemmed from a childhood where I could not say anything about how I or others in my family were treated out of fear of repercussions. Just curled up into a very small, quiet and insignificant existence.
Dear Hubby on the other hand, grew into a teenager who retalliated verbally and physically at injustices dealt to him by his father .
Hubby then grew into the man I married, who would avoid conflict totally...any 'discussion' where there was a differing of opinion, no matter how cordially 'discussed', was taken as an 'argument'...so the option he took was to opt out of partaking in any such discussion and 'giving in' to my point... BUT... his body language consistently gave his underlying resentment etc away. He would cross his arms tight across his chest, his breathing rate would change as well as becoming very audible and his response when asked if he was 'okay?' was always the same, "I'm fine."...in that tone that everyone close to him knew he wasn't 'fine' at all....far from it. S we became resentful of him.
Result of these 2 differing personality [learnt or whatever] traits??? Total marital discord.
I was allowed my way in everything, which was not healthy for me or us......I resented it because I wanted him to say 'No' at times and we explore the process of reaching a mutual agreement on things, or at least agree to disagree...not allowed to have my way every single time. And the 'martyr' attitude or the body language he took on that cut us off emotiomally - our daughter would try to 'suck up to daddy' as she would call it, to make him get out of his 'mood' by reaching out when walking for his hand, and he would just tighten his arms across the chest more than before, did not help at all. Just made things worse.
Of course, I was wrong too in that even though I resented being allowed my way in everything, I had no one to reign in my personality type and so I just took it and ran with it, running the family and everything I was allowed, 'my way'...Not a good idea, even though I thought I was only doing 'good' for all involved.
What a complete and horrible mess we were!!!
The only thing that really got rid of this problem of our differing ideas on handling conflict was God...neither of us could do it by ourselves.
First it was me coming to the realisation that I needed to change...not hubby. When I changed - a good deal but not 100% yet- hubby began to change as well. We have rarely, since coming to Christ and living His way [most of the time]had any moments of marital discord. We are now a 'family' which works 'together' and both of us have learnt that we are 'ourselves', in Christ...not the helpless children of fathers which we once were, dealing alone with our problems in our own strength, which was really our ultimate weakness.
I am more submissive to my husband because he now lets me know how he really feels about things...in a peaceable way, and we both meet each other in the middle where we do, most of the time now, become one. My submission is not 'slavery' of thought nor action, rather an awakening of a loving and grateful attitude of desiring to be 'right' in partnership with the husband I love as well as with my God.
We are so much happier, son and daughter as well -they used to want us to get divorced! And it has been good in that we are continuously breaking the mold that was set when we were young, and our children, who had that same mold in their lives for quite a while, are learning to break it as well.

NOW...For a much lighter subject...
as far as Christmas traditions go, our Christmas tree always goes up the day that our city, Adelaide, has it's Christmas Pageant - the day that Santa offficially comes to town.
So that's like the 2nd week of November.
On Christmas Eve, my daughter and I always recite together 'The Night Before Christmas' and we all open one of the presents that are beneath the tree.
One which I will be beginning this year is that which I am going to pinch off Gina...the wrapped present box for Jesus with the slit in top for us to put our 'presents' in for Him.
Beginning it this year means that by the time we have grandchildren, it will be a family tradition. Thank you Gina!

Oh I'm definately an appeaser. I don't like conflict which has to do with fear. I think it has alot to do with me bing abused alot when I was a kid. I'm hoping to change that though. i definately have to learn how to stand up for myself.

WOW! This is one that has been on my heart lately. I cannot wait to read other's replies.

The fruit our family has beared with godly friends was blessed. The support, encouragement and just good, all around fellowship was terrific! During some of our worst times when medical issues arose with our youngest daughter, they were there. When my family betrayed and black sheeped me for my beliefs, they were there. When I needed someone to talk to, cry to, release pent up frustration... they were there.

I do miss them greatly. Before our move I really embraced a great amount of friends at our previous church. It's very different and has been a struggle trying to fill that void and find it where we currently reside.

I don't have many stories of the destruction of ungodly friends (family would be a novel in itself). But I do have to establish boundaries with them-- bar scene, borderline womanizing, courting problems, etc. I find it interesting that I can whole-heartedly accept the circle of high school friends that have remained after all these years despite our religious differences but find it difficult to do so with others we meet and neighbors.

ImHisServant said:

Tuesday 12/12/06

Choosing Friends​

We read in Proverbs 12:26 - "The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray." Haven't we always been told something very similar in our lives? We should choose our friends very carefully. Friends can have as great an influence on our lives as our families do. If we associate with the wrong friends, it can only lead to trouble eventually. As believers, we are to choose friends that also think as we do. Is it possible to be friends with an unbeliever? Of course, but we must always be on our guard that they do not lead us down a path of destruction. Take a moment today and think about those you call friends. Are they Godly friends? Are they friends who will help, pray, and support you in your Christian walk? Or do you have friends that are just waiting to lead you astray? We all have a choice as to who our friends will be. Make a wise choice. May God richly bless you​

Please share times in your life where you have seen the fruit of godly friends... and the destruction of ungodly friends.​

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Most of my friends throughtout my life have been Christians. There have been times I really haven't had any real close friends. I can only think of two who were possible 'destructive' friendships. The first one, at first was ok. Then there was the two year period where I was away from God. She was an online friend and we'd chat about our husbands and what they did to make us mad that day. Then we'd chat about any cute guys we saw during the day that we flirted with.The other one was my then sister-in-law (she is an ex sis in law now). At the time, her and my husbands brother were having problems. There were a couple guys she liked and would go see (one was a dj at a local radio station, and the other a security manager at a kmart). I'd run around with her and we'd end up going to see one of these guys. We also visited bars once in awhile. While I didn't do anything 'too' bad, I did flirt alot with other guys, which I shouldn't have been doing since I was married! My husband couldn't stand the fact that I hung around her.My best friend is a Christian. I do have a couple other good Christian friends, but she is the one I spend the most time with. We've helped each other grow in different ways.I think it is possible to have friends who aren't Christians. But, there do have to be boundaries with them and things you won't do with them.

Hmm, I really didn't write my previous post as one paragraph!!!

ImHisServant said:

Wednesday 12/13/06

Perceptions and Reactions​

How great is the human need for a scapegoat, someone or something to blame for our disappointments. "If she hadn't done that, this wouldn't have happened." -- "Why couldn't he have done what I expected?" -- "It's all her fault!"​

I must realize that every time I feel someone has offended or injured me, at least part of my unhappiness is due to the way I reacted. Actually I am not so vulnerable to being hurt, by circumstances or the actions of other people, as I think I am. Much that happens to me, good and bad, is self-created.​

Today's Reminder:​

If I am convinced that I am to a large extent "the captain of my soul," I can more readily accept the fact that I have the power to ward off misfortunes, disappointments and other troubles. Blaming others for what happens to me would keep me at a spiritual standstill.​

"Nothing can work damage to me
except myself, the harm that I
sustain I carry about with me
and never am a real sufferer
except by my own fault."

(Ralph Waldo Emerson: Essay ohn Compensation)​

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Thank you for sharing

Hi Ladies!

Sorry I've MIA again.

I have a little catching up to do.

Conflict: I usually avoid it at all costs unless someone (mainly my mom) really offends me. I tend to react instead of respond - I need to work on that.

Traditions: We do a Nativity Advent Calender, we set out a nativity scene and place baby jesus in the manger on Christmas morning, we sing Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning, we read the Christmas story before opening the gifts, we read from a book "getting ready for Christmas" each day of December [I incorporate this with the advent calendar] oh boy we have a ton more!

When the kids are older I really want to serve food at a homeless shelter on Christmas.

Friends: I just wanted to say that even Christian friends can lead you astray. I have a Christian friend who is lax with her faith, I am the opposite and there was a time I felt too straight laced for her and found myself lowering my standards so that I would be more accpeted by her. I quickly ended that and am now very very guarded with her.

Loved reading all your responses.

Christina

Gina, Hope this is okay for today. It was the Dec. 12th devotional from Crosswalk and I thought everyone might enjoy it!





Key Verse:
Matthew 2: 11, “On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. (NIV)

Devotion:
One of the things I adore about the holiday season is hot cocoa. Who doesn’t feel warm and snuggly while sipping on a steaming cup of cocoa with marshmallows or whip cream piled on top? The word ‘COCOA’ can be used to help us remember the important aspects of Christmas, reminding us of the happiness and warmth we can enjoy being a part of God’s family.

C – CHRIST
Matthew 1:18 This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. Remember to spend as much time searching for God’s truth, as you do searching for that perfect gift. Christ IS Christmas – there is no Christmas without Christ. During this season, share the gift that Christ has given you with someone else.


O – ORNAMENTS

1 Peter 3:3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Do you spend more time fretting over whether or not your house could be featured in the holiday edition of Southern Living, than whether or not your inner spirit is adorned with God’s love and compassion for those in need? Put a stronger focus on blessing others this holiday season.

C – CHEERFULLY CELEBRATE THE SEASON

Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes a face look cheerful. But a sad heart produces a broken spirit. As the gift list grows, the budget drains, and the calendar fills, it is easy to get discouraged. And although Christmas is meant to be a joyous season, many people also struggle during the holidays with depression and discouragement. Despite the reasons that you might feel discouraged during this time of year, focus on how much you are loved as a dear and precious child of God. The holidays are merely a season, but God’s love and compassion for His children is permanent. Now that is something to celebrate!

O – OVERJOYED not OVERWHELMED

Matthew 2:10 –12 The shepherds saw the star, and they were overjoyed – they were overcome with delight, awe, motivation, encouragement, love for God – they were overwhelmed with the gift of life. Think of a time when you were overjoyed- the birth of a child, a graduation, a wedding, a beautiful sunrise, sparkling white beaches, a baptism. Your feeling of happiness was likely so overwhelming, that tears filled your eyes, you had a lump in your throat, or your heart was beating rapidly. For many Christmas-a-holics, we are overjoyed when we kick off the holiday season, but overwhelmed by the middle of the month! Try to find ways to remind yourself each day of December to be thankful for the birth of our Savior and overwhelmed by the blessings that have been bestowed upon you, rather than being overwhelmed with your holiday to-do lists or personal issues.

A – ABUNDANCE

Jude :2 ..mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.
Whenever I think of Christmas morning, from my childhood to the present, the word ABUNDANCE comes to mind. As soon as the sun rises on December 25th, until it sets in the evening, we are bombarded with an abundance of presents, candy, baked goods, fruit, and other delectable foods. But these things are temporary. What we really yearn for is the abundant life promised to us in God’s word. Our true heart’s desire is for mercy, peace and love, not just on Christmas day, but every day throughout each year.

The next time you are in the mood for a hot cup of steaming cocoa, I pray that you will be reminded of this devotion. As the warmth of the cocoa trickles down your throat, allow the warmth of God’s love to pour into your heart, and then pour that love out abundantly onto others.

My Prayer For Today:
Dear Lord, thank You for giving us the gift of your son, so that we could have eternal life with You. Please help us not to get so caught up in the earthly celebrations of Christmas that we forget to celebrate Christ. Grant us joy and peace this season and into the future. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:
Determine how you will honor Christ this Christmas and make your schedule accordingly.

Reflection Points:
Do I spend more time and effort on decorating my home, or my heart?

Is my family focused on seasonal abundance, or spiritual abundance?

What can I do to help my family and others remember Christ as the center of this season?

Power Verses:
Hebrews 4:16
Psalm 136:2
Number 6:25-26

What an excellent read... thanks for sharing!

A very big thank you!

Gina: I think it's just the holidays. I know I'm always busier during this time of the year compared to other times. I'm sure once the holidays have passed this thread will be up and booming again! I think your topics are so awesome, they are SO awesome that if I don't have a lot of time to post I decide not to instead because I want to put all my effort in a response since you put so much effort in the topic...does that make any sense? lol

TTYS
Christina

Gina,
I agree with Christina! Everyone gets so busy with the holidays...that's why I enjoyed the "Christmas cup of COCOA". It really helped put things into prospective for me this time of year. I was getting too busy for even my bible studies and alone time with God.
Things will pick back up...this thread is too awesome and fun not to. It will be in my prayers!!
Sandy

ImHisServant said:

Thank you so much for covering for me today. If anyone ever has a topic you would like discussed... please just let me know and you can post it or I will try to come up with something on that topic.

I'm not sure why this thread has slowed down so much... maybe my topics aren't hitting the spot lately. When we began this - we shared things that we would not normally share openly... and it is what made this thread special... I hope we can get to that level of sharing once again. To be open and vulnerable with each other and receive the outpouring of love and acceptance.

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I've been a little busier than normal and haven't had much time to post. I read everyday though! Hopefully after the holidays more of us will post more regularly.
And I'll try to think of some good topics to discuss.