Codependency - root of depression for some

[weedygarden]

I am a Christian who was diagnosed with clinical depression as a child. I became a Christian very young, before being diagnosed with depression.

I also had suicidal thoughts on and off pretty young, to my adulthood.

My depression was confirmed by another psychologist or psychiatrist or two through my teen years. I continued seeing psychiatrists into my late 20s or early 30s.

I was put on different anti depressant medications over the years, and the doctors would fiddle with the dosage amounts. The medications did not work.

I tried praying for a healing (for years). I read my Bible. I read books about depression by Christian authors. None of that worked.

I finally figured out why I had depression a few years ago, and as a result, the depression has pretty much lifted.

This may not apply to everyone with depression, but maybe this insight can help someone out there who is in a similar situation:
I figured out that, by and large, codependency was at the root of much of my depression - so maybe it is for yours, too.

Codependency is also known as people pleasing, or as the Bible puts it, having a "fear of man."

In summary, codependency is being a doormat. It's being overly concerned with other people's needs, feelings, and opinions, even more so than with God's.

Codependents are overly helpful to other people, they take on too much responsibility for other people's feelings and problems.

Part of the problem is that much of Christian teaching is taught incorrectly to people, to the point that such twisted teaching supports and encourages codependent behavior and thinking, instead of freeing Christians from it.

There are all these Bible verses that talk about loving one's enemy, helping other people, and so on.

However, many Christians conveniently ignore the Bible passages that also mention each person is to be responsible for him or herself; you are to love yourself (not just love God or your neighbor); many Christians ignore the instances where Jesus or Paul confronted other people and disagreed with them, and the passages that mention that you are to occasionally take time off for yourself to rest and relax and get your own needs met, etc.

There are many traits of codependency among Christians. Here are some:

-believing that your needs and feelings are not important (so you neglect them);

or, you believe that other people's needs and feelings are far more important than your own;

or, you may think that you meeting your own needs or having boundaries is "selfish" or "unchristian"

- being afraid or feeling guilty to say no to other people, or to disagree with them;

- you say "yes" to people when they ask you a request, but you really want to say "no"

- you tend to attract either abusive/ mean people, or people take you and your favors and kindness for granted, or they regularly take advantage of you;

- being afraid of confrontation or anger (your own anger or other people's); you repress your anger and hold it in;

- spending so much of your time meeting other people's needs that you don't know what your own needs are, or who you are (your identity is wrapped up in other people and helping them);

- being afraid of being alone (which is part of why you accept and permit other people to treat you bad, why you stay in abusive relationships);

- you are too passive/ compliant/ too quick to agree with other people​

If you'd like to read more about other traits of codependency and why it's not biblical, please look up this article (I'm not permitted to put links in posts yet):

Codependency ( hosted on Celebrate Recovery )

I was conditioned in childhood by my mother, who was a Christian and a codependent, to be a codependent too.

I was conditioned by my mother to think other people's feelings were more important than mine, that I did not have a right to defend myself or speak up in protest when someone was mean or rude to me - I was told by her that doing so would be mean, selfish, unloving, or unchristian.

I was taught in childhood, and beyond, by my Christian mother, that:

1. I was supposed to value other people's opinions about me more than how I felt about myself, and

2. more than how God felt about me.

(Not that my mother realized she was conveying point 2 with me, but that is what her teaching did - it was not intentional, but it was never- the- less implied in her views.)​

I was taught by my other parent (who was very critical) that you have to be a perfectionist.

My father conveyed that one has to earn love, and I was taught that making mistakes will earn you ridicule and shame.

I was taught by my father that one is loved for what one does, how good you perform, and not just for being you. All of that plays into codependency as well.

For years, due to my mother's teaching, I stuffed anger down. When someone mistreated me, I suppressed the normal, healthy reaction of telling them they were wrong, that their comments or actions made me angry, etc.

Having to behave like a victim all the time (and being told or taught that this victim-like behavior was "Christian" behavior) was deeply depressing, it made me feel like garbage.

The only form of self defense I was permitted to have by my mother was to avoid people who abused or harassed me.

I was not taught that conflict is a normal part of life, and how to deal with it.

As a result of being taught that avoidance was one of my only defensive mechanisms, I became focused outside of myself way too much.

I was always on the edge around people, on the look-out for when they were going to be mean or abusive, so that I could immediately get of of the situation.

I was taught it was wrong or bad to defend myself, so it made me feel afraid of people, since it left me helpless and at their mercy, should they choose to be hateful, mean, or abusive.

All the effort of focusing on other people all the time (so I could protect myself if need be, by leaving the room quickly, should the people become abusive or rude) left me unable to just enjoy people's company, to have fun, and live in the moment.

It was draining to have to be hyper-vigilant all the time, waiting for when / if other people were going to be rude or abusive, and I never figured out who I was, either, since all my energy was geared towards figuring out who other people were and reading their moods and their emotions.

I could read other people like a book, but I had no idea who I was for years.

And, of course, years of all that suppression of anger, of feeling like I was not as valuable as other people, led to deep depression.

So... if you are a Christian with depression, it might be that you have depression because of codependency.

Some Christian books and blogs are not the least bit helpful about this topic, so please be careful about what resources you look into. Some Christians even deny that there is such a thing as codependency.

Here are a few books about codependency you might find helpful. Some are by Christians, some by Non Christians.

(I find the books by secular authors to be more helpful. Non Christian authors are usually more to the point about matters than the Christian ones, and they don't get hung up at trying to judge you and peg you with some sin or another - they're trying to help you, not condemn you):

No More Christian Nice Girl,
by Dr. J. Degler and Paul Coughlin
(a book for women, obviously)

No More Christian Nice Guy,
by Paul Coughlin

The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself,
by Beverly Engel

The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome,
by Dr. Harriet B Braiker​

Personally, I didn't care much for this book, but if you're a Christian who needs billions of Bible verses to support a view point, you'll probably like this one:

Boundaries
by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend​

After having read about codependency and realize it was at the root of my depression, I am liberated now.

I realize my value comes from Jesus Christ and who He says I am - not what I do for other people, and not for who people think I am.

I learned that I am just as valuable as other people, my needs are just as important as other people's, and I no longer care if other people dislike me.

I don't feel like I have to earn other people's approval. It doesn't scare me to speak up and disagree with people any more. I don't have to say yes to favors I don't want to grant.

I realize now it's okay to make mistakes. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I can take risks and chances now... if I fail, that's okay. It's part of being human. We all make mistakes.

I no longer walk into a room feeling like everyone is scrutinizing me, judging me - and even if they are doing so, and they don't like me, I don't care! If they don't like me as I am, that's their problem.

Life is more enjoyable now. I'm able to have fun.

And of course, the depression has basically gone away.

(What ever depression I have now is based on a set of circumstances I'm dealing with at the moment, but I'm pretty confident I can overcome those problems.)

 

[dovespirit]

wow i have all them symptoms ive been diagnosed wth clinical depression when i was young too i also have ptsd from my dad raping and beating me when i was 12 to 15 yrs old i have been on so many meds been in the hospital twice ; my husband mentally abuses me he use to beat me too ; my 16 yr old daughter mentally abuses me ;i have comprehension problems sometimes i dont understand things so im put down called dumbell or laughted at ; my counselor suggest i move out ;im trying to find a place to rent i dont drive i fear everything because i was taught to believe i cant do anything in life ; so i look for love in other people i have trust issues too please keep me prayer would you like to be my friend ? email me ok sometimes i feel alone ;

 

[weedygarden]

@ dovespirit

I'm very sorry for what you went through.

I think my initial post would be more beneficial for Christians with depression but maybe not ones who underwent abuse.

If you are being abused by a husband, and were physically or emotionally abused in childhood, you would probably need to visit a qualified counselor or psychologist for specialized help.

 

[redblue22]

Thank you for sharing that. That is a newer definition of codependency. Classic definitions usually involve drug addiction and some other unhealthy cycles worth looking into. Some of the stuff you said reminds of the popular older works of Cloud and Townsend. (oh, wait, you mentioned them. Have you read Hiding From Love? or 12 Christian Beliefs that will Drive you Crazy?) And you mentioned abuse. That can definitely get one caught in some abusive relationships--especially if one's family growing up had some serious problems. And I totally relate to the feeling that one either has no walls and gets run over--or has to put up all walls and be completely isolated to avoid being abused. With abusive thinking also comes the temptation to think that one has to choose to be the abuser or the victim. Or that everyone in the world is abusive. Sounds like you are dealing with family counseling as well. Cool.

Thank you for sharing the book list. When I feel emotionally up to it, I will look into some.

Since you are using a newer definition of codependency. You might run into a conversation trouble with some people. (like, some might think you are talking about a drug addiction) The classic understanding went a little different. I share it because it might help as you share with others and it might give you ideas.

Usually it was about drug addiction. Let's say one person is addicted to heroin. Another person is helping them to quit heroin. As the addict quits heroin, the person helping starts lose a feeling of purpose because they are no longer needed. So, the person who is helping starts making the addict's life harder. So, the addict is tempted to use heroin and does. Which now gives the helper a sense of meaning because they are helping the addict to quit again. Which is why it was originally called codependency as opposed to over-dependency. In a way, both were addicts.

It could also be a therapist who get his meaning from helping clients. As the client gets better, the therapist starts to make the client's life worse. So, the client continues to need the therapist. And the therapist now feels meaning helping the client again. Again, they are codependent. They are both depending on each other in a way that is harmful and unhealthy. Any helping relationship has potential to become this way. Pastor and church even.

The other thing I run into are people who are afraid to lean on anyone. They don't want anyone depending on them. They don't want to depend on anyone. The moment someone they are in a relationship asks for support or expressions of love, the isolated person accuses the other of being "needy" or "codependent." But wanting to depend on one another is healthy and good in a relationship or family. It is the person who isolates that has the problem in this case. You'll hear this when some "understanding boyfriend who tolerates it" says his girlfriend is codependent and she'll cry and agree--when really he is the one isolating. Some of us are too dependent and want to be too close--others are too disconnected and think anyone who gets close is bad.

Anyway, it sounds like you are on a good path. I am encouraged by your post. Thank you.