codependency in family relations

[janny108]

My daughter and I will visit family who live on the east coast(we live in the sw) and half of them are sane but the other half are codependent. My daughter is 11 and we plan on a visit next year. Dad said he would pay for us to come out but it's always been a weird thing with money with him. I'm unemployed. I feel like he would be "controlling" like I remember him to be when I lived there 7 years ago.

like if sister A makes a mistake, then somehow it's excused but if sister C and sister B do it well look out. Sister A (not me) is the PERFECT one. I'm apprehensive about my daughter in particular. I've always been uncomfortable around them.

 

[myanchor]

Make sure dad give you both a round trip ticket.

 

[janny108]

Relationships are prickly. Like "why did you say this?" or "what does this mean?" It gets exhausting.

 

[ido]

If you fear that his "treating" you to a trip back home will give him an opportunity to control you, then the best thing is to only make the trip if you can afford to on your own dime. I realize you said you are unemployed, which would make that a difficult thing to do. But, you have to weigh in your heart which is more difficult - not making the trip if you can't afford it or having to be on guard the entire time because of your dad's poor behavior.

I have a "golden child" sister, too, and it is frustrating to know that our parents feel they can do no wrong and wonder why we just can't be more like them. So, for you and that you figure out whether or not you want to make the trip.

You're a good mom to be concerned about your daughter being exposed to that behavior. Maybe that is God convicting you that you created a distance barrier for a reason. Just a thought...

 

[janny108]

I live here of my own choice and don't feel anything bad about it at all. I write them every month, email a few, and remember them throughout the year. Why would I feel convicted about wanting to keep a safe environment for my daughter?

 

[janny108]

Which is why I'd rather wait until spring when I have had a job.

 

[ido]

I meant it in a good way. Sorry if it did not translate well. I just meant that God is reminding you that you moved away for a reason and that maybe you shouldn't go if you feel any hesitation about the trip.

No harm meant.

 

[janny108]

Oh OK thanks for explaining.

 

[myanchor]

Hey Janny, if you can get in your library, get How we Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Your dad sounds a bit like a controller from what you said. You will understand a lot of things better about your families dynamics once you get through the book.

 

[janny108]

I've gone thru a 12 step recovery and have some codependency books. I'll see if I can get that book at library, thanks for suggesting it.

One sister thinks dad can do no wrong as well as an aunt, but me and another sister think not. So I guess you can say the family is kind of split.

 

[myanchor]

The book is deep and a bit of a slog, but worth it.

 

[bliz]

Just because you were invited, doesn't mean you have to go.

Your contact with family is now controlable. Will you be able to cope when you can't control it? There is nothing wrong with protecting your children and your family; it's actually very wise.

 

[janny108]

Hey Janny, if you can get in your library, get How we Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Your dad sounds a bit like a controller from what you said. You will understand a lot of things better about your families dynamics once you get through the book.

That book is not in the library system here. What subjects does it talk about?

 

[myanchor]

How we as children attach to our families and how the broken style of relating we learn in our families affects how we love our spouse, our children and others close to us. Most libraries will order books for you from other libraries or even get it if you ask.

 

[loved33]

hi
another excellent book is

I DONT HAVE TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER, by gary lundberg

God bless

 

[janny108]

My present books are: Close Enough to Care Pat Springle
Lost in the Shuffle Robert Subby
Codependent No More Melody Beattie