co parenting stinks i need help

[mamawolf]

I am mother of 3 special needs boys I am currently awaiting the divorce to finalize. I ended up with full physical and legal custody from the division of child and family services because their dad was not found fit enough to be a parent he still has visitation rights that is all he has. He is very sporadic and unpredictable and unstable doesnt have a place to live, just bought a junker car but hey its a car to get him to and from a job, or so you would think he refuses to work for anything under 12 an hr, right now he is doing very sporadic security contract work out of state and every time he leaves its torture for the boys they miss him to the point that they blame me and call me names and tell me they hate me I know they really dont hate me (that all comes from their dad when he and his brother filled their sponge brains with garbage) plus they are special needs 2 are on the autism spectrum. I am just wondering how the best way to handle this is I cant deal with this stress any more, I cant sit here and see my 7yro son cry himself to sleep bccause he thinks his daddy doesnt care about him and doesnt love him. My 7yro asked me one time at 3 1/2 momm ywhy am I not daddys number one? I am so angry that my children have to hurt like this because their father doesnt see the big picture, btw the reason for our separation and divorce is infidelity and domestic violence so there is no chance of reconciliation. I wouldnt risk putting my kids thru that pain and misery again just to see them excxell for 6 months to a year then regress back 3 years of hard work to get them where they are today, trust me even with the fit throwing the name calling and such it is so much better then it used to be. HELP ME PLEASE

 

[blackribbon]

I would not tolerate them acting that way toward you. They need to act respectful to you even if they are angry.

As for the tears, you can't fix their dad and suddenly make him into a good dad. I'd just hug your kids and say, "I'm sorry he can't be here. However, he has to go to work and that work means he can't be here right now. I AM here..so you are not alone."

(If you are telling him that he is your number one....then maybe you need to find a different way to express how special he is while he is adjusting to this new life. He will figure this out on his own eventually anyway and make judgements accordingly, but right now, the contrast might just magnify his grief a bit.)

 

[mamawolf]

I dont tell him that he came up with that because of other kids that had dads that actually were around and mad ethem feel special. I infact had to explain to my 7 yro that his dad and i cant be together because of the fighting that had resulted and i dont want the kids to witness that ever again and he understood but what he dpesnt understand is that when dad is visiting them he is not there mentally because he is engrossed in a game on his laptop or his phone(he being the kids dad) the kids do not get undistracted attention from their dad and that is why i have decided that if hes going to visit them he does it in my house so i know that they are taken care of the last time i let him take them unattended my autistic 5 yro almost got ran over by a truck. so no untill he gets it doen that he needs to pay attention to them he doesnt leave my house with them.

 

[blackribbon]

Your 7 year old is obviously very bright and a very observant child. I'd just hug him and tell him that you don't know why daddy is the way he is and that he (and his siblings) are YOUR number one. (The difference is that this is something he is longing for and came up with on his own.)

Yes, this is a very hard road. No, I don't have any answers beyond lean on God. The hard questions I got were "Why did God let Daddy die. I still needed him." I didn't have a good answer for that beyond "I don't know but God loves us and will take care of us". I will be praying for your family. I am truly sorry that it has to be so hard for you. You are doing right by protecting your children. It is too bad it has to be from their own dad.