Almost 1 year ago. On November 13, 2005. My mother passed away suddenly from a heart attack. She died peacefully in her sleep. No pain. It hit her so fast she didn't feel a thing. I was very close to my mom. She was everything to me. My mom, friend, supporter, comforter,and even my child. I say that, because of a lot of family problems that I won't go into cus we'd be here all day and night!! but I kind of took on the role of mom to her. I protected her, stood up for her, cared for her as a mother would. So, she was part of my everyday life. Even though we lived 3 hours a part, we talked every day.
Her death hit me so hard and was such a shock that I thought I would never get over it. But I got through it. And started to go on with life, because you have to. I started getting used to not talking to her. I still missed her more than anything. And I would have good days and bad. I thought I was doing ok.
Then I realized that the anniversary of her death was coming up and all of sudden I am so depressed and I can't stop thinking of her. I realized that I have not been back to her gravsite, or her house, or the town she was living in, since she died. I've had opportunities but always had an excuse not to go. My dad wants us kids to come up and sort through her things. But we all have to go together and do it. They are waiting on me because I've always had an excuse not to go. I feel like I should go back on the anniversary of her death but the more I think about it the worse I feel. I almost feel like I'm going to have a panic attack at the thought of it.
My pastor said I haven't found closure with her death yet. But how do you find that? Do you ever really find closure when someone so close to you is suddenly gone? I mean is there truly such a thing as closure?
I've prayed for peace with her death and truly felt that God had given it to me. But again, now that the date is near, I feel like it is happening all over again!
Maybe if I make myself go to her grave and say goodbye, maybe that would help. I just don't know if I can go and face it!
Her death hit me so hard and was such a shock that I thought I would never get over it. But I got through it. And started to go on with life, because you have to. I started getting used to not talking to her. I still missed her more than anything. And I would have good days and bad. I thought I was doing ok.
Then I realized that the anniversary of her death was coming up and all of sudden I am so depressed and I can't stop thinking of her. I realized that I have not been back to her gravsite, or her house, or the town she was living in, since she died. I've had opportunities but always had an excuse not to go. My dad wants us kids to come up and sort through her things. But we all have to go together and do it. They are waiting on me because I've always had an excuse not to go. I feel like I should go back on the anniversary of her death but the more I think about it the worse I feel. I almost feel like I'm going to have a panic attack at the thought of it.
My pastor said I haven't found closure with her death yet. But how do you find that? Do you ever really find closure when someone so close to you is suddenly gone? I mean is there truly such a thing as closure?
I've prayed for peace with her death and truly felt that God had given it to me. But again, now that the date is near, I feel like it is happening all over again!
Maybe if I make myself go to her grave and say goodbye, maybe that would help. I just don't know if I can go and face it!