closer to God than I've been for 20 years

[endofrope]

Spend a lot of time wandering in the ol' wildee, wanting to do things my way, making a mess of everything I touched. I have latent psychological issues (aspergers and paranoia), and was not doing well trying to fight God for the steering wheel. I've spent the last couple of years basically coming unglued, alienating everyone, quitting church, behaving in bizarre and offensive ways and making lots of people very angry at me. 20 years of hardheaded "I've got this". It's incredible I'm still married, alive, physically intact, etc. Been so angry lately and just full of hate and fear. Well, since I've been like Nebuchadnezzar growing his eagle-claw fingernails, it's not surprising that for the last few days, I've got some fairly serious people wanting to hurt me bad. Ironically, this one wasn't really my fault. Something someone else did was attributed to me, and since everyone hates me anyway, they decided to come after me. God sent another nation to wipe me out. I've repented and sought him with my whole heart. The Spirit is back. For the last decade or so, one my favorite words for myself has been "worthless". I've felt I've failed everyone and at everything and believed I was basically worthless. For the most part, I have been. This word has been a mantra of mine and become a part of my character and a sort of awful self-loathing soothing theme of mine. I opened my nearly forgotten Bible today and spent a long time this morning reading and praying. The last page of the index was stuck to the back cover in one spot. As I pulled the page away from the back cover, a thumbnail sized piece of thin paper tore neatly away, then fell back onto the inside of the cover. Right in the center of the neatly excised piece was the index entry: worthless. It fell off and swooped down and ended up under the couch. Ok Lord, I get it. We're putting that word away.I wept then and am again as I type this.

Pray for me, cause some people still want to hurt me, and it's not for righteousness sake. Pray that I never wander from God again. Pray that He can do wonderful things for my still intact family. We need a good fellowship. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and pray for us. God is faithful.

 

[chapmic]

Praying for You! Good post, its a reminder how it is never too late to enjoy God's Grace!

 

[BlueLioness]

Spend a lot of time wandering in the ol' wildee, wanting to do things my way, making a mess of everything I touched. I have latent psychological issues (aspergers and paranoia), and was not doing well trying to fight God for the steering wheel. I've spent the last couple of years basically coming unglued, alienating everyone, quitting church, behaving in bizarre and offensive ways and making lots of people very angry at me. 20 years of hardheaded "I've got this". It's incredible I'm still married, alive, physically intact, etc. Been so angry lately and just full of hate and fear. Well, since I've been like Nebuchadnezzar growing his eagle-claw fingernails, it's not surprising that for the last few days, I've got some fairly serious people wanting to hurt me bad. Ironically, this one wasn't really my fault. Something someone else did was attributed to me, and since everyone hates me anyway, they decided to come after me. God sent another nation to wipe me out. I've repented and sought him with my whole heart. The Spirit is back. For the last decade or so, one my favorite words for myself has been "worthless". I've felt I've failed everyone and at everything and believed I was basically worthless. For the most part, I have been. This word has been a mantra of mine and become a part of my character and a sort of awful self-loathing soothing theme of mine. I opened my nearly forgotten Bible today and spent a long time this morning reading and praying. The last page of the index was stuck to the back cover in one spot. As I pulled the page away from the back cover, a thumbnail sized piece of thin paper tore neatly away, then fell back onto the inside of the cover. Right in the center of the neatly excised piece was the index entry: worthless. It fell off and swooped down and ended up under the couch. Ok Lord, I get it. We're putting that word away.I wept then and am again as I type this.

Pray for me, cause some people still want to hurt me, and it's not for righteousness sake. Pray that I never wander from God again. Pray that He can do wonderful things for my still intact family. We need a good fellowship. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and pray for us. God is faithful.

I like it when people draw closer to God. Shows me I'm not the only one like this.

God seems to have been drawing nearer to me in an effort to get me draw closer to Him, and I think it has worked. But He had to make the first move. You and I seem to be extreme opposites. You have had trouble with hating yourself and I have had trouble with liking myself too much to the point of becoming over-confident and egotistical. It even turned into the happy form of mania (which I saw a psychiatrist for). I realize that having a huge ego and being arrogant are two sins, so I have been praying for humility. I have been struggling with believing in myself too much and forgetting to rely on God instead of myself. That is where I err.

God blessed me with a fun and happy childhood.

I don't know you, but I am not the type of person who would hate without a good reason to, so I may just end up loving you!

 

[barrowhamster]

Prayers your way.