Clingy kids

[akmom]

My kids (7, 5, 3) seem to have an unquenchable need for attention. No matter where I am at, there they are. When I'm cooking, all three of them are in the kitchen, usually hanging off me. I know toddlers do this by nature, but all of mine do it, and only to me. If I am on the couch or in bed, they dog-pile on me. If they are supposed to be eating dinner, they sneak out of their chairs and come to me, and one always ends up in my lap. I do love hugs and affection, but it gets to the point of being smothering, and I think the 5 and 7 year-olds are getting too big for this. Also, when I am walking they try to hitch a ride by hanging onto my legs. It gets tiresome after awhile. I tell them to stop but am mostly ignored unless I get snappy. They also interrupt constantly when I am talking to other adults. I don't bring them to work, but I have to take work calls to my car, otherwise I won't hear a thing.

They do this especially when I am trying to work with one of them alone. (That is one reason why I could never homeschool.) They simply can't take turns with attention. I have tried briefing each of them on what their special activity will be, and instructed them not to interrupt their sibling's activity, but it never works. Sometimes I actually have to put the other two down for naps in order to work with one child. I think they are all old enough to play by themselves a little, but they lack self control. They do not have this problem with their father or any one else as far as I can tell. How do you break kids of this behavior?? They all get one-on-one time every single day. But it's not good enough; they all want one-on-one time constantly, and clamor for it even when I am busy or trying to spend time with another one.

 

[Odetta]

I do not know how to break kids of this behavior. My youngest son does this sometimes. Our oldest not so much, but he does have his moments as well. Our big problem is that we can't keep them out of our bed. They crawl in while we are sleeping, and are so sly about it we often don't wake up to shoo them back. By the time we do notice, they are dead asleep, and I'm still too groggy to wake them up. It's annoying. I'm tired of waking up on the last five inches of the side of the bed, with a knee kicking me in the back.

Hoping some other mom pipes in who does know what to do.

 

[akmom]

Oh man, been there too! We have an open door policy as far as kids sleeping with us, in case of nightmares or illness. What works for us is that we (usually) do not go to bed until the kids are actually asleep. And once they're asleep, they rarely wake before morning. And if they do sleep with us, they are not allowed to lay on our faces or bring toys, and must actually sleep. Otherwise we send them back!

Can you get a lock for your door? If they really need you, they can always knock.

 

[Odetta]

The oldest wakes up often, and the youngest doesn't even fall asleep until really late (midnight or 1 am is not unheard of). We co-slept when they were younger, so we set up this pattern ourselves. But now they are 13 and 10. And they share a room. So if one comes, the other does too, not wanting to be lonely. I'm just glad we invested in a king size bed. Although, there have been a few nights when I've given up and crawled into one of their beds.

 

[akmom]

Hmm. We co-slept too, but they transitioned okay. I'd be more concerned about why the kids aren't sleeping well. Bedtime at my house is a dragged out procedure for sure, with endless requests for water, hugs, stories, and whatever else they can think of needing other than sleep. But once they're asleep, they usually stay that way.

Is the children's room hot? Noisy? Are there distractions in there? Does one snore, maybe? And do they have separate beds? We built a little book holder on my oldest daughter's headboard, where she keeps a Kindle to read if she isn't tired. Reading helps her fall asleep. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping if the air is too dry, so we occasionally run a humidifier at night. Do you know why they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?

 

[Odetta]

S1 can go to sleep quickly, but he's a light sleeper. He's the one that will get up during the night. S2 takes forever to go to sleep, but once he's out, he's out. If he's still awake when S1 makes his jaunt, then he's following. Otherwise he stays put.

As for why S1 wakes up often, well, that's probably due to several things. First, he's autistic, we just found out, and I've read that sleep issues can be a problem for someone with autism. He's generally coming over for the cup of water I keep on our dresser. I've tried keeping a cup in his room, but it sometimes spills, and then he has wet sheets, and then it's a whole sensory issue and a clean up issue because even it's a just a drop, he won't just let it dry. I'm sure there are more sensory issues going on there. He also sleep walks. Much to address here.

 

[akmom]

If he can handle fluids at night, maybe a water bottle with a squirt top by his bed? So it doesn't spill. My kids have to use the restroom any time they get water at night, so we don't keep water in their rooms. We make them walk to the bathroom for it.

Have you experimented with some kind of intense physical exercise before dinner? My daughter's school started giving the kids a long recess before lunch, because I guess there is good evidence that it improves their appetite. Perhaps the combination of well-timed exertion and being full would help with getting to sleep quicker?

 

[Odetta]

I will try the water bottle idea.

Two nights a week, the boys have Kung Fu before dinner. It does seem to help their appetite, but that doesn't really translate into falling asleep earlier. We've been using melatonin with moderate success. I think we need to give it to S2 earlier in the evening for it to take affect at the right time. I will try that.

It's been particularly bad the in the last few weeks, in part because we are all waking up about an hour later since school's been out, and we ran out of melatonin and I kept forgetting to get more at the grocery store. Also part of it is that he's just wired to be a night owl like his mother.

Thank you for your suggestions. It seems you've helped me more than I've helped you. My kids are not as clingy in general. When they do get clingy it's generally because at that moment I've not been paying much attention to them even though we're all in the same room. But giving them some direct attention does the trick and then they can go play by themselves. Are there things your children are interested in that are solo type play activities?

 

[.chrys.]

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but they're only this young for a short while. You'll miss the hugs and clinginess when they're 17, 15, and 13.

 

[akmom]

Yes, I'll miss a lot of this for sure. But much of the great one-on-one time I'd otherwise have with them is ruined when another jumps in.

For example, my daughters were playing barbies this morning, so I went and played legos with my son. Then of course the girls came down thinking that playing with Mommy would be more fun. My younger daughter commandeered my castle I built, while my older daughter rapidly built her own castle, leaving hardly any blocks left for my son who builds much slower. Then they fought over the rare pieces, and no one was happy.

Last night I let each of the kids glaze a miniature pie, and then we ended up burning them a little, because every time I opened the oven, a swarm of eager kids jumped in the way and I had to abort the mission. It took several minutes just to ensure all three were out of the way and staying out of the way so they wouldn't get burnt.

Just a little while ago, I was doing flashcards with my youngest, and my 7-year-old jumps right between us and starts this long-winded conversation. I had to listen for a moment to make sure it wasn't urgent, then stop her and remind her that interrupting is rude, and in the meantime my 3-year-old's concentration was lost. Then my 7-year-old is moody and disappointed until I set her up with something to do, and by the time I come back, the little one has lost all interest.

There are quite a few things they like to do alone, but once they finish, they have this urgent need to report back to me and it doesn't matter what I'm doing. They're talking over each other with a one-track mind to commandeer my attention. In the evenings I refer them to their dad, but I might as well refer them to a wall, because he won't notice unless they are very persistent. And apparently they reserve that for me.

 

[CelticRose]

Everyone needs to learn how to enjoy their own company if it doesn't come naturally. I would set things up a little differently & say now so & so are going to have alone time in their room doing [offer choice of activities like reading or colouring]. Set the timer & tell them they can't come out till the timer goes off. I would do the same thing for *mummy time*. Set the timer for a set amount of time & tell them they cannot speak to you or bother you until the timer goes off. This will give you some time to spend individually & uninterrupted. You are going to have to be firm about boundaries. It is not unreasonable to insist the children stay out of the kitchen while you are handling hot items.