Clean Catholic Joke

[Offline4Better.]

Why did the Catholic cross the road?

To get to the confessional on the other side! After all, even sinners need to take care of their spiritual well-being. Just remember that in real life, we should always be wary of our mistakes, and follow the rules of the road (the Bible, or Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) whilst having a little sense of humor, bros and sisters.


Post your clean Catholic jokes below.

 

[Bumble Bee]

Ohhhh I forgot this forum

 

[Offline4Better.]

Ohhhh I forgot this forum

Maybe we can say that this forum's being "raised from the dead", similar to Jesus.

 

[Bob Crowley]

small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

[Offline4Better.]

small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Haha, good one. It is true that some Catholics only show up for Christmas and Easter.

 

[Bob Crowley]

It's been months since a priest visited the lumberjack camp out in the boondocks.

He sets up camp and in comes the first lumberjack. But it's been a long time since he last confessed and he's not sure what to say.

So the priest goes throught the commandments one by one and gets to the 6th commandment.

"What's that? says the lumberjack.

"Thou shalt not kill" says the priest. "You haven't committed murder have you?"

"Don't think so" replied the lumberjack.

The priest says "See, you have not fully searched your conscience for confession, so go out and and come back when you are ready".

The lumberjack goes back outside. He sees this long line of lumberjacks stretching into the distance waiting for confession.

He yells out, "No good today boys! He's only hearing murders!"

 

[Bob Crowley]

Three Catholic blokes are in town for a Catholic conference. They're staying in a very high rise hotel in NYC.

They get back from the first session and they've had a few too many. But the power is out and the lifts aren't working.

They're on the 60th floor and concierge is worried. He says "Look we can make up some beds in the mezzanine floor and when the power comes on I'll wake you up and you can take a lift to your room."

But they assure him they are three strong Catholic blokes and can get there under their own steam.

"To pass the time" says Tom, "I'll sing songs for the first 20 floors as we climb the stairs. Then Dick will tell funny stories for the next 20 floors, and Harry will tell sad stories for the last 20 floors!"

Off they go. Sure enough Tom sings songs all the way up the first 20 floors. Then they stop while Tom has a breather.

Then Dick tells funny stories for the next twently stories. By this time they've got rubber legs.

They have another breather.

Then Tom says to Harry "OK Harry, now it's your turn. What's your first sad story?

Harry says "I forgot the door key!"

 

[Bob Crowley]

Hugo Rahner, S.J., once had an audience with the pope. The Holy Father asked him, "Father Rahner, in your opinion, who is the greatest theologian of the twentieth century?"

"Goodness, Holy Father," said Hugo, "that's a difficult question. I can think of so many great theologians, but if I had to choose just one, it would have to be my brother Karl."

And the pope said, "Your brother is Karl Barth?"

 

[Danthemailman]

What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists? Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.