Christmas Compromise

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Ok, here's the deal: my bf and I can't agree on what to do about Christmas. He wants to go home with his family, and I want him to go with me to see my family....

Background: He has never missed a Christmas with his family. We see his parents quite often because they live nearbye, and we saw his brothers several times this year. Last Christmas I spent with him and his family. I told him that my family ever lived close enough then I would want to go to see mine since I had been to his; he agreed at the time.

I haven't spent Christmas with my family since I had to leave home when I was 16. I see my family off and on, but usually not very often because of many different reasons. Now my Mom and 2 of my siblings live close enough away that I can actually drive there in about 7 hours. So, now it is time for us to spend Christmas with my family....

So, his brother is coming in for Christmas. He wasn't here last Christmas. Now he wants to go with his family. We did a compromise and said ok, Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas evening with his...and he could spend the whole week after with his family. I know it is important to him to see his brother and family and so I compromised...but he isn't happy. His family is more important to him then me (we have been dating 2 years)...is this how it is supposed to be? I want to spend Christmas with him, but I also want to spend some time with my family....is there anything wrong with this compromise?

Is he being selfish? Help please?

 

[KristianJ]

To be honest I can't see where there's room to be dissatisfied with what is a most advantageous compromise in his favour. I certainly think it's good that you both get the time to see each other's families some time during the period, and with your situation, I think your offer is more than fair. All I can think of doing is gently reminding him of what had been agreed on, and that he's able to have a lot of family time compared to you (which might seem like you're complaining, but I guess the way in which you address it with him goes a fair way in dictating how it sounds)

 

[The Julikenz]

You're not being selfish.

I had the same discussion this week myself, it's a difficult situation. This was going to be my first year since 2001 where i'd be in Sydney for Christmas, naturally i wanted to see all my family. Luckily, i have an incredibly understanding SO, we ended up compromising - we're going to my familys' for Christmas day, and he's seeing his family this week for pre-Christmas celebrations. Part of the compromise, was that we'll also go back and spend more time with his family in the new year, so that both our families get to spend time with us together rather than him going his way, and me going mine.

Did any of that make sense?

 

[Maeyken]

I've never understood why exactly so many people get so upset about having family gatherings on the exact day. This year, my mom's family met on Dec. 4th, my dad's will be meeting on Dec. 26, and my immediate family will be meeting on Dec. 18. my fiance's family will be getting together probably the 22 or 23...

Why is it so important to visit your family on the exact day of Christmas? Perhaps one (or both) families would be able to have their Christmas dinner on a different day. I know sometimes it's because of work schedules, that people are working every day except Christmas, but when Christmas is not on a weekend there's usually 2 weekends that are relatively close to Christmas, and most people can come then.

Having the job I do, I guess it's a good thing that I'm not too attached to the "actual day" celebrations. I work in a hospital as a nurse, and I'll be working Christmas eve night and Christmas day night. But guess what, I'll still manage to celebrate Christmas with at least 4 family dinners. Imagine that!

 

[jenn82]

We have decided to do Christmas Eve with my family and we will be spending Christmas Day with his family. It worked out well for me because my family doesn't do a lot for Christmas, and we can do dinner on Christmas Eve and everything is great.

I do not think you are being selfish, I hope everything works out for you and I will keep you in my prayer. God Bless

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i think that is a good compromise. i probably even would have said "we spent christmas w/ ur family last year, we see them more often, so we're seeing my family this christmas. that's it." but hey that's just me. what makes him think it's fair to get his way and for u not to get urs?

 

[Nico]

one thing i've been thinking about (in my life) and think could apply to this situation is context. you are not married to your bf, so the types of sacrifices and comprimises that are made now shouldn't be held to the same equivalent as when you're married. of course, you should be learning now how to comprimise, but i dont' think either one of you should be acting sacrificially as in marriage. i don't know you 2, but can't you each just do your own thing? once married, then real comprimise and sacrifice must happen, but i don't think that it should really be as much as an issue right now. i dont' really know, though, quite honestly. i'm confused about the issue myself. i guess i'm saying you both need to cut each other a little more slack

 

[Leanna]

We did a compromise and said ok, Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas evening with his...and he could spend the whole week after with his family. I know it is important to him to see his brother and family and so I compromised...but he isn't happy.

How can he not be happy when you gave him everything he wanted? You gave him Christmas and the week after. What is there to not be happy about?

Being married I can tell you that you always have to split the holidays and so he better get used to the idea that he's going to miss some Christmases. Its not just about him anymore. Geez.

 

[loved]

one thing i've been thinking about (in my life) and think could apply to this situation is context. you are not married to your bf, so the types of sacrifices and comprimises that are made now shouldn't be held to the same equivalent as when you're married. of course, you should be learning now how to comprimise, but i dont' think either one of you should be acting sacrificially as in marriage. i don't know you 2, but can't you each just do your own thing? once married, then real comprimise and sacrifice must happen, but i don't think that it should really be as much as an issue right now. i dont' really know, though, quite honestly. i'm confused about the issue myself. i guess i'm saying you both need to cut each other a little more slack

I would love to see my SO on Christmas day but he doesn't give me that option unfortunately.....

 

[Mskedi]

This won't help with this year, but have you thought about this arrangement:

1 year it's Thanksgiving with your family & Christmas with his; the next year reverse. It works for a lot of my friends.

I think you've been more than great with your deal. You should absolutely *not* give up seeing your family this year, since you finally have the opportunity. Go see them, and if he goes to see his brother, that's fine. You have telephones, and I'm sure you see each other more often than either of you see your respective families. It's fine to spend a little time apart. I'm sure you want him to spend time with your family and vice versa, but maybe a more neutral time can be arranged for that kind of gathering.

 

[Alineko]

I know this situation. Last year we had Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family and spent Christmas night with his. It's harder to see my family since they live 3 hours away from us. We decided to do the back and forth year switches. This will be my first Christmas eve away from home and up until my Grandpa passed away this year it was always the center of our family gathering but in the sake of compromise I gave it up to his family this year and we will drive to my familys for Christmas morning.

No you are NOT being selfish. If anyone is it's him by not looking to your feelings as well especially since you selflessly gave up your family last year.

Let's put it this way. I'd just go home to your family with or without him. Family is more important then boyfriends. If mine had said I'm not going with you last year. I would have went anyway.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

No - neither of you are selfish.

I think it's FINE for a dating couple to spend the holidays with respective families, if the opportunity arises. If you were married, I see that completely different! THAT'S when you SHOULD spend Christmas together.

I think it's silly this disagreement - go to your family, and he go to his! It's not like you won't get to celebrate your own version of Christmas anyway!

I am 3 months out from my wedding, and am spending 5.5 weeks away from my FH (Christmas included). I think it's good for us - and nice to spend the time with our families without either of us missing out.

Surely you have a phone, after all! Be an adult about this, and say something like 'fine - you go see your family, I'll go see mine, and we'll see each other on (whatever day you'll see each other'... simple! Easy peasy for a dating couple!



Sasch

 

[adnilgnav]

don't let the holiday destroy the relationship. I think if you two can compromise that would be best. Hmmm what did you guys do with thanksgiving? how about just having some time with your own family alone?