Thanks it's just hard ynow what you just is how i was raised i always believe women are our gifts from God so we must cherish them
I'm glad you believe that woman need to be cherished, it's important that's established in our hearts first
also we have talked about what we're comfortable with and she said it stems from here own self esteem witch I'm desperately trying to boost
Okay, good, I'm glad you have been talking
Knowing this also gives me more insight to the real problem here. She doesn't feel good enough to be loved from the sounds of it. While showing her that you care is one of the best things you can do to prove she has value, ultimately she needs to understand her own value in the eyes of our loving God. So perhaps what you can do here is gentle, humbly, and patiently help her understand the undeserved love of God. Maybe you don't understand it too well yourself, but then you can go together to try to understand the Lord more. Study your Bible, read books, listen to sermons, read articles, listen to Christian music, get involved at church. I highly recommend Timothy Keller sermons and books when it comes to understanding the power and significance of God's love.
it's just i never feel any affection coming from her
... but it just wears my heart down being the only going out there way to make the other happy I always feel bad think in knowing I'm supposed to cherish woman no matter if I do receive affection physically or emotionally back
While there should
not be emotional or physical dependency (except in marriage) and you shouldn't do favors to get favors.... because that's manipulative and not love at all (it's just self-love). However a dating relationships should not be one-sided, it should be a mutual effort. Dating is basically a friendship with a best friend, except you're getting to know how well you work together as a team for the purpose of marriage. And like any true friendship with best friends, both need to put an effort into the friendship. If only one friend is making time to be together, or only one is trying to keep the peace and work things out, or only one is giving and selfless, or only one is expressing love or affection then it does become painful. There are times in life where we do need to be the stronger Christian and carry the extra weight our friend/girlfriend/spouse to get through hardship. There are times where we need to be patient, forgiving, and selfless even if it costs us a lot of emotional pain or material expense. But if the
entire relationship is like the
all the time then it will be draining -- because it's a dysfunctional, lop-sided relationships. In those cases it's better to be friends or a mentor, but not a couple or best-friends.
I see several possible issues:
She's depressed, it's understandable she may not physically or emotionally feel like going the extra mile you are able to do. She may not feel up to anything. So you'll have to be forgiving and patient OR realize that right now she's not able to be in a mutual-giving relationship. And that's okay, it doesn't mean she's not worth it. It means she needs to focus on her struggles and her relationship with God before she can a good friend, girlfriend, or wife.
But if she is putting in a good effort, but you're going above-and-beyond it could be you're that you're expecting too much from the relationship and "need" her to be something she's not. You may be depending on her for your own happiness and feelings of self worth, without even realizing it. So you give and give, and when the relationship doesn't blossom into your ideal relationship... you're crushed or blame her. It could be just as much as she needs to look towards God for her self worth and acceptance, you may to work on the same. That could mean neither one of you are really ready for a dating relationship. Because if you idolize relationships instead of love the girl you're dating, you'll always have trouble in relationships.
Also she may not realize she hasn't been showing affection or needs to. Maybe she is showing affection but in her own way, but you didn't understand it as affection. There's something called the "five love languages", and it could be you just don't speak the same "love language" and need to understand each other better. There's a survey in the link below. Why not you and your girlfriend each take it. Maybe it'll shed some light on the situation and help you communicate affection better:
Home | The 5 Love Languages®
It can be hard to sort these things out wisely and you know you're both dealing with depression, I'd actually recommend you find a counselor, pastor, or wise older Christian couple to mentor you through this situation
They, better than I, could help guide you.
I hope this was helpful. Btw, the advice section:
http://www.christianforums.com/f232/ of the forums gets a LOT more traffic. You may get more replies if you ask questions there. I just happened to see your topic since I was exploring the forums.
