Christian fundamentalist relatives

[Zen_Woof]

Hello.

Perhaps you can give me some insight into an issue I am having with my in-laws.

I have several close relatives who are involved wiht a fundamentalist church. We have had one direct conversation about why I am not Christian. They were very upset at the way it went whereas I thought it was fine. Now they are implementing "friendship" evangelism, which is a much more subtle form of bringing us to Christ.

Now, I understand that they are probably very sincere about their hope to bring us to the happiness they have. They invite us to things and are super nice. Who can argue with that?

But it's also a subtle form of manipulation... it's a strings-attached relationship that I am not comfortable with. For example, my sister-in-law said to my husband that eventually I would give up Buddhism because it wouldn't give me what I need. (This is, of course, none of her business.) And there is this constant commenting to my other in-laws about me not valuing family (I work full-time and so does my hubby.)

Because it is not direct, I have not found an opportunity to address it directly. And so I am struggling with how to address this issue with them as nicely as possible and let them know that I find their interference invasive and not welcome. I would like us to have a relationship but one based on mutual respect, not judgment.

Any thoughts on the best way to approach something like this?

Metta,
ZW

 

[If Not For Grace]

Try just being "mindful" of the fact that they "care" about you soul. Their belief system does tells them they are THE way THE truth and THE life and there is no other. They want you to be a part of their family, culture and religion. I'm sure Its well meant.

They think you will "thank" them later. Tell them to pray for your soul/redemption but that for now you would prefer not to physically participate in their religious functions since you have a different belief system.

 

[Dimitree]

Find GOD first with your own heart for there are many people on this world and you don't know what kind of people are infront of you.And you don't know if the people infront of you are servents of the evil one and try to distant you from Him .
But know this !
Find GOD with your own heart first and you will know who gethers with Him and who spreads against Him !

Amen !

 

[Zen_Woof]

Thanks dyanm for the response. Yes, they mean well.

Dimitree, thanks for the reply.

Metta,
ZW

 

[moogoob]

This situation reminds me a little bit of a situation my co-worker is in. He's Baptist and his fiancee is Buddhist. The majority of complaints are coming, in this case, not from his parents (who are supportive) but from his congregation, many of whom are opposed to inter-faith marriages.

It is working out for them, however as he refused to let them try and convert her.

 

[RealityCheck]

The one thing I advise is to not let it become an emotional debate for you, and to root yourself in reason and rational speech. Don't necessarily try to logically debate the validity of their beliefs, but simply explain yourself rationally.

 

[Robskiwarrior]

yea, I would agree with Realitycheck on that one. I know what you mean though I have seen the subtle hints that people try and throw in... not enough to pull them up on it though my grandparents are the same, except they don’t understand the freedom I have in Christ now - and are always throwing comments in about how I am a failure and never good enough...

Maybe we should just be bold and confront these people? Might be better to see if we could have a conversation with them about it. You make me think now J

Good luck!

 

[heron]

Look at the dynamics aside from the religion.

They won't see they're doing this, but they are competing with you. It's tricky to talk religion with relatives...people who used to compete with you on other levels.

Part of what makes this irritating is it can seem they do not see you as good enough, or fitting with their standards. If you give in, you have allowed them to win. If I were in a situation like this, I would probably make sure they never find out even if I started to believe!

I don't think you'll be able to stop them. Maybe over time they will change their approach. It's a tendency in some Fundamentalist groups... people talk about things not quite being right until everyone is saved... and I don't want to sound passive or agnostic, because I recognize that Jesus asked us to teach others, but the point is that their motives seem to be mixed. If they truly cared about you, they would spend some time listening and less time force-feeding.

The whole experience is driving you further from Christianity, so I would suggest that you turn down a few of their friendship gestures and connect with some different types of Christians... a broader mix, so you can get a better idea of how people live their faith. I'm sure your relatives are not as one-dimensional as they appear.

Christianity really can be a meaningful, rich experience, filled with many spiritual surprises.

 

[heron]

I'm re-reading your post...noticed that your husband's sister said you'd eventually change your mind. I think that where that comment comes from is not so much a desire to convert you, but justification for a verse that says "do not be unequally yoked." Many Christians put a lot of weight on that verse, and feel they are in sin if they ignore it. Some just consider it advice of wisdom for balance and agreement of values.

Her comment might have been more of a generous gesture to your husband not to worry, that he hadn't gone off the deep end or alienated God. Maybe it was even a comment that implying that your beliefs did not create so much of an imbalance or conflict as others perceived.

I know that this sounds very constrictive, but it's just one small part of the faith. You can already see it play out-- the tension in the family.

It's hard to not take the pressure personally, but I would suggest looking at this as a normal transition from trying to make a good initial impression on his family, to seeing each other as you really are.

This happens to every married couple. If it's not religion, it's how you raise your kids, or spend your money, or decorate your living room. You're different people. You don't have to agree with each other.

Also consider that they might not be as conniving as they seem. Maybe they just want to do things with their son, and are tense because they're afraid of imposing.

Well... about the family comments... I really can't say. I would just chalk that up to parents pushing to be grandparents. Nobody's so pure that they can't resist a nudge like that.

Many mothers have to work, especially single mothers... but people in fortunate situations do not always see the world's realities. You have probably poured many years into your goals, and plan to continue growing in this area.

 

[Foolish_Fool]

Nuking my post, just realized I can't post in this forum.

 

[MikeMcK]

Hello.

Perhaps you can give me some insight into an issue I am having with my in-laws.

I have several close relatives who are involved wiht a fundamentalist church. We have had one direct conversation about why I am not Christian. They were very upset at the way it went whereas I thought it was fine. Now they are implementing "friendship" evangelism, which is a much more subtle form of bringing us to Christ.

Now, I understand that they are probably very sincere about their hope to bring us to the happiness they have. They invite us to things and are super nice. Who can argue with that?

But it's also a subtle form of manipulation... it's a strings-attached relationship that I am not comfortable with. For example, my sister-in-law said to my husband that eventually I would give up Buddhism because it wouldn't give me what I need. (This is, of course, none of her business.) And there is this constant commenting to my other in-laws about me not valuing family (I work full-time and so does my hubby.)

Because it is not direct, I have not found an opportunity to address it directly. And so I am struggling with how to address this issue with them as nicely as possible and let them know that I find their interference invasive and not welcome. I would like us to have a relationship but one based on mutual respect, not judgment.

Any thoughts on the best way to approach something like this?

Metta,
ZW

You're absolutely right.

There is nothing in the Bible that says that we are to preach the Gospel by buttering somebody up first.

I mean, it's great that they're being friendly with you, but that isn't evangelism.

Christ did not come to be a "good moral example" (in fact, if what He said about His being God and the only way to eternal life is not true, then He is the worst possible moral example).

Christ did not come to make us happy.

Christ came to redeem us from sin so that we might be reconciled to God and avoid an eternity in Hell.

I approach people on the street all the time to share the Gospel. There's no need to butter them up or impress them.

Simply be polite and find a way to present the Gospel in a relevant way.

Now, if you really want to be blunt with them, just ask them, "Hey, I understand you guys are Christians. That makes me curious: why haven't you taken the time to share the Gospel with me"?

 

[heron]

When Jesus sent his disciples out, and when He went out Himself, much focus was placed on meeting the practical needs of the people. They healed many, and cast out demons that harassed people. The gospel was given as hope, and fairness, and rescue from oppression and unreasonable legalities.

The focus was on what the good news could do for individuals, not in claiming numbers of recruits. Sometimes we hear Christians talk that way now...but the point of Christianity isn't to amass as many people as possible... it just comes out that way sometimes.

 

[Zen_Woof]

Hi all.

Thanks for your comments. It's very appreciated. I too think that taking it personally is not the correct approach. I do know that they are not one-dimensional... and neither is the situation. In addition to their "stuff", there is mine and my hubby's and our families... on and on.

Metta,
ZW

 

[heron]

I hope the relationship improves for you...that their respect for you grows.

 

[spinto]

Hello.

Perhaps you can give me some insight into an issue I am having with my in-laws.

I have several close relatives who are involved wiht a fundamentalist church. We have had one direct conversation about why I am not Christian. They were very upset at the way it went whereas I thought it was fine. Now they are implementing "friendship" evangelism, which is a much more subtle form of bringing us to Christ.

Now, I understand that they are probably very sincere about their hope to bring us to the happiness they have. They invite us to things and are super nice. Who can argue with that?

But it's also a subtle form of manipulation... it's a strings-attached relationship that I am not comfortable with. For example, my sister-in-law said to my husband that eventually I would give up Buddhism because it wouldn't give me what I need. (This is, of course, none of her business.) And there is this constant commenting to my other in-laws about me not valuing family (I work full-time and so does my hubby.)

Because it is not direct, I have not found an opportunity to address it directly. And so I am struggling with how to address this issue with them as nicely as possible and let them know that I find their interference invasive and not welcome. I would like us to have a relationship but one based on mutual respect, not judgment.

Any thoughts on the best way to approach something like this?

Metta,
ZW

I think the most important thing is the be absolutely united with your husband on where you stand on this subject. Figure out how the two of you feel--where you agree and disagree about what is going on. Then together, come up with a plan of what you will do if you find your in-laws are making you uncomfortable. Be honest and be straight foward about your boundries.

I've been in this situation before. I know that standing with your husband is the key.

Best wishes