Christian Enenemy

[DawnInVirginia]

Title of this should be: Christian Frenemy (not able to change the title of the post, sorry)


How do you graciously, but firmly deal with a Christian frenemy (that person who tries to pass as a friend, but it jealous/catty/untrustworthy either to your face or behind your back) I find myself in a situation where I'm part of a community mission through my church, and have come to know "Jane" who isn't part of this church, but participates as a facilitator in this program. Jane can be charming and funny, but also pushy and demanding. I've tried to humor her in the past, and try to get along with her for the good of the group, but truthfully, I see through the veneer and into the person who is self-serving, self-promoting, and frankly, not a very nice person. People are friendly and polite towards her, generally try to avoid her, but whenever she is corrected by the group leader about something she says or does that is incorrect, immediately she falls into the mode of self-pity (my childhood, etc.). Maybe her childhood is the case, but at 67 years old? A fellow member of this group, and psychologist said this is her default defense, knowing people will back off.

The latest episode with her was suggesting at one of our meetings, that instead of us all going out to lunch during the break in the live simulcast we would be attending, I should "host lunch" since my home is closest. Can you imagine? Without looking at anyone else, I simply said, "That will not work for me." and looked away. I could feel her glaring at me the rest of the evening, and when I looked to her side of the room, she was glaring at me. Geez, ok.

I recall her telling me when we first met she never backs down and never quits, and when she has worked with someone she didn't like or didn't treat her right, "knew how to force someone out." Nice. I guess her intentionally bumping into me each time she passes me, or making snide comments under breath when I speak, would be her opening salvo.

To be clear, I love this ministry I'm part of, and have no intention to leave. What I don't want, is for this to escalate or make others uncomfortable.

I could you scripture verses helping to deal with this, as well as advice.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I would treat her like mean girls in high school. What they're after is attention and to get a rise out of you. If you don't respond the way they want, eventually they give up. So I would just avoid this woman as much as possible while still being cordial. Don't let her ruffle your feathers. Also, pray for her, since she is clearly not a happy individual.

 

[DawnInVirginia]

I would treat her like mean girls in high school. What they're after is attention and to get a rise out of you. If you don't respond the way they want, eventually they give up. So I would just avoid this woman as much as possible while still being cordial. Don't let her ruffle your feathers. Also, pray for her, since she is clearly not a happy individual.

I pray for her as well, because I can not imagine being so twisted in knots inside that you have to act this way. It can't make her feel good, unless she is a sociopath. Growing up, I was taught to always take the high road, to be a lady, and so far I have been. But it is very difficult at times.

 

[Galatea]

Simply do not talk to her. I don't talk to people I don't like. Life is too short. If you are having such a problem that your focus is on her and not on your ministry, you need to get out of that ministry. It does not matter that you love the ministry. What matters is if you are effective or not. Quite frankly, if you are obsessed by this woman's behavior, your focus is not where it should be.

I honestly don't think suggesting the group have lunch at your house is so unreasonable, maybe impolite since it is not her house to offer- but it seems quite reasonable.

 

[PollyJetix]

It sounds like you are going to be facing more and more of this from her, as she has decided not to like you. You can choose to acquiesce to her demands, becoming an adjunct to her ego, or you can choose to stay, and face the music constantly.
Personally, I would pray mightily about it, and be willing to walk away if God said so.

 

[DawnInVirginia]

I honestly don't think suggesting the group have lunch at your house is so unreasonable, maybe impolite since it is not her house to offer- but it seems quite reasonable.

Putting someone on the spot and inviting themselves as well as 38 people to your home for a meal is not only rude, it is unreasonable, by any norms.

 

[DawnInVirginia]

It sounds like you are going to be facing more and more of this from her, as she has decided not to like you. You can choose to acquiesce to her demands, becoming an adjunct to her ego, or you can choose to stay, and face the music constantly.
Personally, I would pray mightily about it, and be willing to walk away if God said so.

The thing that concerns me, is this the only healthy anchor she has in her life (family life is in "shambles" according to her, hasn't found a home church), and we can definitely use the extra set of hands. The director of the ministry spoke with me recently and apologized for something this woman said. She suggested maybe it was time to gently tell this women her help is no longer needed, I told her to wait and lets see what happens. Part of me feels casting her out, would be allowing her demons to dig in deeper, but if she stays, perhaps she will have a spiritual break-thought.

Indeed, I'm praying with all my heart.

 

[PollyJetix]

She sounds really poisonous, on more than one level.
It reminds me of something I heard once.
"If everywhere you go, people are always the problem, maybe you need to look in the mirror."

 

[DawnInVirginia]

She sounds really poisonous, on more than one level.
It reminds me of something I heard once.
"If everywhere you go, people are always the problem, maybe you need to look in the mirror."

Agreed!

 

[Galatea]

Putting someone on the spot and inviting themselves as well as 38 people to your home for a meal is not only rude, it is unreasonable, by any norms.

I don't know. If you are in a ministry together, one would assume you'd been in each other's houses as a group many times. It's not all THAT unreasonable.

I remember in church, people would ask my associate pastor if we could have weinie roasts at his house Sunday morning, for THAT evening. We did this often in the summer. It was very wonderful. Perhaps because we were a small church, and felt like family, there was a lot of love there.

It sounds as though you have a lot of rancor in your heart towards this woman and not a whole lot of love.

If you are so focused on her behavior, it might be time to do some reflection and take yourself out of the ministry before you harm it. In ministry, if you are not completely focused on the mission to the exclusion of everything else, you may end up harming in with your spirit of division.

After all, you can not control anyone's behavior but your own. You cannot control her behavior.

Remember, no one is indispensable. God can still work through the ministry whether you are there or not. Forgive me for saying this, but you sound like you don't have much charity or understanding in you if this woman is hurting like you describe.