Choosing to be a single parent

[Linnis]

Okay, a friend of mine told me she's considering becoming a mother. She's not dating anyone let alone married so she's either going to have sex for the sake of getting pregnant or buy sperm.

I was floored by this to say the least, but I decided to think about it before replying. Since she E-mailed me this three days ago.


-She lives in Canada so she'd have health care
-She makes roughly $35,000 a year
- She will get 1-year maturnity leave, but she'll only get 1/4th of her salary


I keep thinking can she pay rent, phone, transport, everything the baby and she will need for the first year on 1/4 of an income. She will have to go back to work after 12 months(if she has to start it early because of a complicated pregnancy the baby could be as young as 5-6 months) and the child will be in full time daycare until school and then still in daycare half days for JK and SK.

I'm sure she'd make a good mum but she's pretty much making it so that this child will be in daycare, as in being raised by other people 8-10 hours a day. I know some parents have no choice they HAVE to work, but she's choosing to have a child without a support system of a father/husband or extended family so she's in fact choosing to have this kid in daycare or in the care of strangers.

Since she's asked my thoughts should I tell her exactly what I just typed? I've also thought if she has to take time off because the babies sick, she could loose her chances for moving up in her career, which may give her the stay at home option or she may loose her job. If she looses her job she could be forced into work which makes less money or to go on welfair.


So since I'm not a mother, I'd like to hear opinons from actual mothers of small children. Would you choose to raise your children without your husbands? To any single parents, how hard is it really?

Thanks a bunch.

 

[Leanna]

I think the influence of a father is the best thing for a child if at all possible. Children are built to need both mothers and fathers.

 

[Leanna]

That's a good point made about the legal issues..... he can demand visitation, dunno Canada, but here up to every other full weekend.

 

[Linnis]

In Canada I assume it's the same because I had friends who went to the other parents on the weekend. I planned on strongly advising waiting until she's married(she's only 24, no health problems which would make one think she's have a shoter time span to have kids) and if she won't to use donated sperm because of the legal issues.

 

[andiesmama]

Just to answer your question in the OP without going off on a huge rant...*grin*...I would never choose to raise my daughter without my husband. If God forbid something ever happened and I ended up being alone with Andrea, I would find it extremely difficult...I know I struggle when he's out of town for a few days, I can't imagine how it would be 24/7!!

I think if you're honest with her about your feelings, pray to God to give you the right words to say, she deserves to hear your honest opinion. Did she ask for your opinion? (like, did she say "what do you think?")...or did she just say something like "Guess what! I'm thinking about having a baby!"...that might give you an idea on how to present your feelings...

 

[Linnis]

Her exact words were "I wanted your thoughts since you read a lot," so I want to give her an opinon, my honest opinon without sounding like I'm preaching so she doesn't blow it off as religious and not take me seriously.

 

[andiesmama]

^^ Then I think you should give her your honest opinion. Why would she blow you off if she thought you sounded "preachy"....is she a Christian? If not, maybe this is your chance to witness to her a little bit, maybe God is using this as an opportunity for you.

 

[Linnis]

That's true. I just have to find a way about it that doesn't make her tune me out right off the bat otherwise I can't do much witnessing.

 

[andiesmama]

That's true. I just have to find a way about it that doesn't make her tune me out right off the bat otherwise I can't do much witnessing.

I hear what you're saying....sometimes it's hard to find the right words. All I can think of is just to pray about it, write out what you want to say & maybe read it to your hubby & get his take on it...

 

[Linnis]

That's an idea. I've been thinking even without the Christian aspect, of God's design for the family it's been proven children do better in two parent homes, they also do better with good male & female role models etc.

Also I have daycared in the past, and it was a job but I could seriously not see myself allowing my child to be practically raised(I was with some kids upwards of 80+ hours a week) by someone who isn't mum or dad or at the very least a relative.

 

[BeanMak]

I don't know how old she is, but a dear friend of mine never married, but didn't want to give up the experience of being a father. He adopted a little boy from China, and then 2 years later adopted a second boy who had special needs. They have a GREAT life- certainly better than in an orphanage. They love each other, depend on each other and are SO blessed. Better to have one parent that loves them, than not to have any.

 

[Leanna]

Yeah that only works for adopting... maybe your friend should adopt.

 

[CarrieAg93]

No way would I choose to be a single parent. Raising kids is just way too hard. DH was recently out of town for 2 days and I was exhausted.

 

[sammipher]

I personally would not chose to be a single parent...even though my mom was one til she met my step dad. She did great alone and made way way way less than 35,000.00 a year(but, we did do without alot)..but, at the same time she didn't make that choice to live that away or to be a one parent family. The only way I would be a single parent..is if something happend to my husband. I think you should tell her your honest opinion since she is asking you for it...it's not as if you are nosing where you don't belong..she asked as a friend. I am pretty sure she doesn't want you to sugar coat it...she trusts you and respects what you have to say if she asked. But, if she does decide to do it anyway..I think she will be just fine with what she makes per year
..hubby makes around 30,000 or a little under per year after taxes and we live really comfortably(of course we don't have to pay child care either..so that will cause a dent in a budget for sure)...I think as previous PP if you pray on it the Lord will give you the words to give your answer..but, gracefully and truthful. Best of blessings with it.

 

[sammipher]

Yeah that only works for adopting... maybe your friend should adopt.

Excellent idea...I don't know what I would have done without my hubby during my pregnancy..it was so hard. I couldn't imagine having to go through it alone.

 

[dews]

She will only get 1/4 of her salary? I live in Canada and I thought it was 80%, sometimes better.

I think that would be a bad idea. A child needs 2 parents. She may even have a hard time getting married if she has a child. Some guys look down on that. Maybe she is going through a "phase". That could change.

 

[Linnis]

She will only get 1/4 of her salary? I live in Canada and I thought it was 80%, sometimes better.

I think that would be a bad idea. A child needs 2 parents. She may even have a hard time getting married if she has a child. Some guys look down on that. Maybe she is going through a "phase". That could change.

I have no idea what one is supposed to get on maturnity leave, I only know she said she'll be making 1/4 of normal while on it.

 

[kayd1966]

Maternity leave is Canada is 55% of your wage paid out weekly for 50 weeks, there is a 2 week waiting period...depending on your employer, they may pay the 2 week waiting period but this is not a common occurrance.

Depending on where she lives in Canada, there is also universal daycare (which sounds wonderful but isn'tv when you really read what they are asking you as a parent to give up).

I have a friend who is a year younger than me, she was afraid she'd never have a chance to raise a child so she addopted a little Haitian girl last year. She works full time from her home and is raising her by herself. BUT she is also 38 years old and an established accountant with her own business. Her own home, car and benefits.

Its one thing to decide you want to be a parent and then wait for the Lord to lead you quite another thing to decide and jump the gun. Your friend is 24 years old...I was 34 when I had my first and looking back, I know I wasn't ready at 24...doesn't mean I didn't want a child, because I did...I actually looked at adoption but wasn't approved because I wasn't established enough. In reality...I wasn't looking for a child...I was looking for someone to love me unconditionally and thought I could get that love from a child. Thank the Lord I didn't have a child back then...

My question is WHY does she want a child? Because she would be a great mother isn't an answer...there a plenty of women who would make great mothers and God has closed their wombs.

 

[Fantine]

I don't know how old she is, but a dear friend of mine never married, but didn't want to give up the experience of being a father. He adopted a little boy from China, and then 2 years later adopted a second boy who had special needs. They have a GREAT life- certainly better than in an orphanage. They love each other, depend on each other and are SO blessed. Better to have one parent that loves them, than not to have any.

The women I know who have chosen to become single Moms have all adopted children, some from overseas, some children with special needs.

They are older Moms, established in their careers, having built up perks like 4 or 5 week vacations (one was able to "semi-retire" by converting her job to 3 days a week.)

They are wonderful parents, and they are raising children who might have otherwise been relegated to overseas orphanages or foster care.

God bless them all.

I do think that adoption is the better way for a single Mom by choice.