Childless Marriages

leothelioness · Mar 10, 2009

Reading through the Theology forums I was appalled at how many people thought that couples who chose not to have children were living in sin. Of course, I'd love to have children when I get married, but I'm not going to pass judgement on someone who decides they don't. I think that's just going a bit too far.

Anybody else feel the same?

Wren · Mar 10, 2009

I'm not surprised. This is a very child oriented society. If you say that you don't want to have kids, people assume that you hate kids or are just selfish. I think many couples have very good reasons for not wanting to have kids.

EazyMack · Mar 10, 2009

Because people say "the Bible says to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth!" but apparently they haven't looked around and seen that we've already taken care of that.

I always used to want to have kids, as I love kids. And I would've by now if I would've been in the right relationship. But now (at 25), I have completely rethought that idea. I am not so sure at all anymore. I mean... look at this world. Do I really want to bring my own flesh & blood into it? I don't know.

white dove · Mar 10, 2009

leothelioness said:
Reading through the Theology forums I was appalled at how many people thought that couples who chose not to have children were living in sin. Of course, I'd love to have children when I get married, but I'm not going to pass judgement on someone who decides they don't. I think that's just going a bit too far.

Anybody else feel the same?

Yes.

SpiritualAntiseptic · Mar 10, 2009

leothelioness said:
Reading through the Theology forums I was appalled at how many people thought that couples who chose not to have children were living in sin. Of course, I'd love to have children when I get married, but I'm not going to pass judgement on someone who decides they don't. I think that's just going a bit too far.

Anybody else feel the same?

For me, it isn't an issue of passing judgment, but of real concern for their well being.
I don't know if it'd call it living in sin, but I certainly think it is obviously disordered. Couples don't choose to not have kids- our bodies are created in such a way that children come from the union of a man and a woman. What people do is take artificial hormones, disfigure their bodies or use other artificial means to prevent pregnancy.

Human beings have an innate desire to have children. There is an issue when someone ignores such a strong desire within oneself. It comes from something- either a bad family, an obsession with material goods or a feeling of worthlessness or inability to raise children that stems from low self esteem. People don't 'choose' not to have kids. They have some mechanism which inhibits their internal desires and they go to extraordinary means to avoid it.

Inkachu · Mar 10, 2009

SpiritualAntiseptic said:
For me, it isn't an issue of passing judgment, but of real concern for their well being.
I don't know if it'd call it living in sin, but I certainly think it is obviously disordered. Couples don't choose to not have kids- our bodies are created in such a way that children come from the union of a man and a woman. What people do is take artificial hormones, disfigure their bodies or use other artificial means to prevent pregnancy.

Human beings have an innate desire to have children. There is an issue when someone ignores such a strong desire within oneself. It comes from something- either a bad family, an obsession with material goods or a feeling of worthlessness or inability to raise children that stems from low self esteem. People don't 'choose' not to have kids. They have some mechanism which inhibits their internal desires and they go to extraordinary means to avoid it.

I agree with your first paragraph.

Somewhat agree with the second one.

~Beauty_from_Pain~ · Mar 10, 2009

I think it might depend on the generation and what one learned but I don't think it is right. I remember when I was younger I would tell my mom:

A) I had no problem marrying an African American and that skin color didn't matter to me. She said she wasn't racist.....she just said she didn't think the two different cultrues would mix. I think that was just what she was taught....and if she thought more about how the world is today....she might not have said that....but don't know.

B) I said that if I ever got married it didn't mean that I would have children. She said then what was the point of getting married because if you got married you had to have children.

I still disagree with her to this day. I won't marry for children. Sure, I won't have kids unless I get married, but I want to get married because I love that person. And if we decide to have kids, great. But my purpose for getting married is not so I can be able to have kids!!! People can choose if they want to or not imo.

I wonder how my mom feels about my older sister. She has been married for nearly 5 years now and they still have not decided to have kids. Yet my mom is WAY thrilled that my younger bro who just got engaged plans to start having kids soon and a lot of them. And I don't get this because she still has 2 kids at home and often doesn't know how to be a good parent to them or even seem to spend much time in their lives.

Um...sorry....a rant???

BigDMac · Mar 10, 2009

if you can have a marriage-less child you should be able to have a childless marriage.

thekwizzitiveone · Mar 10, 2009

leothelioness said:
Reading through the Theology forums I was appalled at how many people thought that couples who chose not to have children were living in sin. Of course, I'd love to have children when I get married, but I'm not going to pass judgement on someone who decides they don't. I think that's just going a bit too far.

Anybody else feel the same?

I don't think people should be judged for not having children. I'm not sure if I'm going to want to have kids when I get married.
The people who some say have "chosen" not to have children, might actually not be able to have children. You never know.

leothelioness · Mar 10, 2009

SpiritualAntiseptic said:
For me, it isn't an issue of passing judgment, but of real concern for their well being.
I don't know if it'd call it living in sin, but I certainly think it is obviously disordered. Couples don't choose to not have kids- our bodies are created in such a way that children come from the union of a man and a woman. What people do is take artificial hormones, disfigure their bodies or use other artificial means to prevent pregnancy.

My question is, why does it matter to people if someone decides not to have children? They're not hurting anyone in the process. Now, if they were going so far as to abort a fetus to keep from having that child, I would have a problem with that.

thekwizzitiveone · Mar 10, 2009

~Beauty_from_Pain~ said:
She said she wasn't racist.....she just said she didn't think the two different cultrues would mix. I think that was just what she was taught....

My parents have said this to me before. And, I think you're right, it's just what they were taught. I've heard stories about children of racially intermixed marriages feeling like outcasts... like they don't fit in anywhere. Do you think that's true?

leothelioness · Mar 10, 2009

thekwizzitiveone said:
The people who some say have "chosen" not to have children, might actually not be able to have children. You never know.

True. If God really wanted ALL people to reproduce, I don't think He would intentionally create someone to be infertile.

emilylauren · Mar 11, 2009

leothelioness said:
My question is, why does it matter to people if someone decides not to have children? They're not hurting anyone in the process. Now, if they were going so far as to abort a fetus to keep from having that child, I would have a problem with that.

I agree. Personally, I'm not sure if I'd want to have children. I know the sort of kid I was growing up, and I just don't think I'd be able to handle that! Plus, I'm slightly worried about potential genetic troubles-- mental disorders and generally terrible genetics that I'm not quite sure I want to pass on to someone, although-- to be fair I've not looked into how likely it would be for me to actually pass anything on and it would also highly depend on my (hypothetical) husband's genetics as well.

That being said, if I ever ended up being pregnant I couldn't justify an abortion based on my above reasons. Particularly since I would probably be using birth control and have fairly irregular periods (and have a possibility of being intertile, or so I've heard) if I got pregnant it would certainly be a gift from God.

SpiritualAntiseptic · Mar 11, 2009

leothelioness said:
My question is, why does it matter to people if someone decides not to have children? They're not hurting anyone in the process. Now, if they were going so far as to abort a fetus to keep from having that child, I would have a problem with that.

My concern is for every human being. I don't care if someone isn't hurting another- I care if someone is hurting. As Christians we are called to love others and to bring them to their fullness, not just care when they may be hurting others.

emilylauren · Mar 11, 2009

leothelioness said:
True. If God really wanted ALL people to reproduce, I don't think He would intentionally create someone to be infertile.

While I may agree with your end result (although I'm still debating this myself, and learning quite a bit along the way) I'm not sure I agree with the logic used to get there. If I wanted to mirror your analogy I could say "If God intended for all men to be sober, He wouldn't have intentionally created someone with the tendancy towards alcholohlism"

As there is currently a theory that alcholism is/can be genetically influenced, yet I don't think anyone would try to argue that this means it is justifiable for such men/any men to get drunk.

In the same way, simply because some people may be infertile does not automatically mean that God does not care whether or not we have children.

I will say that I think some people do not have children for selfish reasons, and I do think this is wrong. But at the same time I believe that some people have children for selfish reasons, and I think this is just as wrong. It isn't really the having/not having children that makes it so, but the selfish intentions behind those actions. And I believe that this applies to everything we do-- I think we should always look to our motives for doing something.

E.C. · Mar 11, 2009

leothelioness said:
Reading through the Theology forums I was appalled at how many people thought that couples who chose not to have children were living in sin. Of course, I'd love to have children when I get married, but I'm not going to pass judgement on someone who decides they don't. I think that's just going a bit too far.

Anybody else feel the same?

I don't like this hooey towards childless couples because we don't know the circumstances.

There may be a couple in which the man is impotent or the woman is, to use an archaic term, barren. Maybe someone in the marriage has a deep hatred for children and thus thinks it better to avoid abusing a child by not having one.

Whether a married couple has a child or not is really not within my realm of concern. Although, if I have my own kids than I may find some easy targets for godparents

JonMiller · Mar 11, 2009

I wouldn't say living in sin.

I do feel that most people who choose not to have children choose to do so for selfish reasons. They want to spend all their income/etc on themselves, rather than on someone else.

JM

Sketcher · Mar 11, 2009

I wouldn't say it's living in sin, but it looks to me like a blown opportunity.

Windmill · Mar 11, 2009

I think the notion that people are selfish because they want to spend the money they earn on themselves is rubbish.

Why is it a crime to instead spend it on yourselves than your kid? I could see an argument that its selfish if you don't give away your money, but to instead say well now I'm lathering it on a kid instead suddenly makes you less selfish? How does that work?

This world doesn't need more kids. I think one could argue is selfish to have a child rather than adopt a child is just as valid as arguing that not wanting a child to spend the money you make on yourself is equally selfish.

I myself don't want kids. I just don't. I have no affinity towards them. No motherly instinct. And its not the money that gets me but the time. Thats time I could be putting into studying and furthering myself in areas of interest and calling, not stuck in one place feeding a kid that I have no natural desire to have. Besides, kids are exceptionally limiting when it comes to like missionary work and what-not. In NT times when paul said its good to not marry and dedicate yourself to the lord- well marriage essentially meant kids because they had no birth protection. Well now we can marry and not have kids. Its easier to both work for the lord than working for the lord with kids to a fully flexible extent. Its possible but as Paul said, your priorities are taken up with your family.

Therefore are you selfish for choosing to have a family rather than go out on the mission field? No, of course not.

Yet I could, under the right circumstances, handle getting married.

Why is that so wrong?

mina · Mar 11, 2009

I think it's far healthier and less selfish to know that you would be a lousy parent before bringing a child into the world and proving it. Then you've messed up another life.

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