When we kiss, it feels good, but it's not overwhelming or magical and it isn't a hardship for me to keep our relationship at that.
You can't gage the depth of a relationship by how "magical" it feels when you kiss. Let me explain why.
Back in July I had an old flame from my past come back into my life. We dated when I was only 13 and he had moved on and joined the NAVY. I saw him sporadically when he was on leave, but it never progressed beyond a very casual friendship. When he came back from the NAVY and he came to see me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. He was very good looking, charming, seemingly sweet. We had LOADS of chemistry.
One night, after a family barbeque, I stayed over at his sister's house with him because we had both drank too much (this was back in my "lost" days) and neither one of us were fit to drive. I slinked down under the covers with him and we laid there talking in the darkness for an hour or so before he put his around around me. I laid my head on his chest and he ever so gently cupped my chin and tilted my head up so he could kiss me. It was a feeling like I'd never had before. It was so tender and yet urgent because we had both waited for this for so long. I was so consumed by a flood of emotions that I became light-headed, short of breath, and I began to weep. I guess you could say it felt "magical". I thought it was some "sign" that we were meant to be together, especially after being re-united after all these years.
That chemistry, that magical feeling lasted three weeks. Three weeks into our relationship he went from "I love you. I want to marry you. I want you to be the mother of my children" to "I just can't deal with this anymore. I just want to be friends". What happened to stability? What happened to commitment? What happened to promises of love and marriage? I was so hurt that I tried to commit suicide. My parents threatened to have me sent away to a psychiatric hospital. I still have the scars on my left arm.
When I came back to Christ, I cried to Him, "God. Why did Jon come back into my life only to leave me with so much pain?" His answer did not come in the form of a burning bush or a big booming voice from the sky. His answer was that of a patient father who had tried to expose the warning signs 100 times before and yet you ignored them. He didn't say "I told you so". He said, "My child, you know you saw the red flags from day one and yet you were so captivated by the
feeling of being with this man that you totally forgot the elements that are most important when choosing a life mate. You were in love with the idea of being in love and totally left me out of the equation." He was right. Looking back I knew this guy was not walking in the Light. He had been married twice and had a child with the second wife whom he was running from hoping he wouldn't have to pay child support. He was abusive, had anger issues, and was an alcoholic. Is this the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? Would this man make a good father? Could I serve this man in Christ? The answer is no!
The point to my story is this. You already know that you could serve and honor this man the way Christ asks us women to do for our husbands. You know he would be a good father. You seem to care about him very much. All of the proper elements are in place. Chemistry is a fleeting thing. I'd rather have stability than chemistry.
