checking out someone

[blackribbon]

My brother is in his mid 40's but very naive when it comes to women (and life). He now has a "girlfriend" that he met on Twitter. I tried to google anything about her and she doesn't come up at all...but then I did the same for him, and he didn't either. (Usually I can find people that way).

My gut says to worry because what woman with 2 master's degrees would be interested in a community college dropout that she met online (I could see it if they met in person).

I guess he is planning on flying out to meet her at the end of spring and that will tell so much more. However, I am worried about him because he actually considers conversations on twitter and a couple phone calls over a couple months to be a "relationship" and he believes she considers it to be too.

It is his life. But he is my little brother. Any advice or any suggestions on how to find any info on this woman that will allow me to just acknowledge that she really exist by the name he gave her. She is a former Marine...but I don't know if that makes her easier or harder to find.

 

[dayhiker]

That is rather interesting that she doesn't come up at all.

Might search on her email address, can you find her on FB or linkedin.

 

[blackribbon]

She says she doesn't do facebook (which also bothers me since she does do twitter). And linked-in would show up on a google search. I'm not bold enough to ask for her email from my brother but I did make him promise to give me her physical address and phone number before he got on the plane.

I know it isn't really my business but when he gets his life screwed up, I am usually the one who has to bail him out and my mom gets to do the financial bailout. I also don't want to see him hurt.

 

[Elderado]

How can you get to know someone on twitter? Isn't just a bunch of short sentences with this# thing? If she really is a former Marine then she might have a top secret security clearance and wouldn't come up on hardly anything, if anything at all.


I understand you wanting to take care of your little bro but he can probably take care of himself and sometimes you need to fall on your face in order to learn a lesson.

 

[dayhiker]

I'd forgotten that Linkedin shows up on a google search.

That sounds reasonable to me to have her address and phone number when he goes visit her.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with Elderado, sometimes you just gotta let them live their lives.

 

[blackribbon]

My major concern is that he will get dumped(because he is naive/stupid enough to be calling this a "relationship"), feel like a fool, and become suicidal (he is emotional like that)....and I don't live close enough to him to help. This is based on him living with me (as an adult) for longer than I lived with my husband (he rented our garage room). His highly intelligent but does have a social disorder that means he isn't really good at judging relationship in general. I guess my primary responsibility is to watch what I say so he feels free to talk to me and use me as a sounding board.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

My brother is in his mid 40's but very naive when it comes to women (and life). He now has a "girlfriend" that he met on Twitter. I tried to google anything about her and she doesn't come up at all...but then I did the same for him, and he didn't either. (Usually I can find people that way).

My gut says to worry because what woman with 2 master's degrees would be interested in a community college dropout that she met online (I could see it if they met in person).

I guess he is planning on flying out to meet her at the end of spring and that will tell so much more. However, I am worried about him because he actually considers conversations on twitter and a couple phone calls over a couple months to be a "relationship" and he believes she considers it to be too.

It is his life. But he is my little brother. Any advice or any suggestions on how to find any info on this woman that will allow me to just acknowledge that she really exist by the name he gave her. She is a former Marine...but I don't know if that makes her easier or harder to find.

Few thoughts here............

Im willing to bet dimes to donuts, that she is an extremely strong willed / demanding / Alpha Female coming from a Marine background . I think your Brother is going to find her very hard to get along with and please. THIS could be the reason why she is willing to entertain someone with far less education than she has ; my guess is that she is in need of a Guy who is quite reserved, layed back, non assertive , and passive so there wouldn't be a clash with her Temperment .

Additionally, I think your Brother needs to come up to speed on Relationships and Relationship dynamics because a few chats online is only the start of a Friendship and not anything deeper . It could be he is a bit desperate to have a woman in his life and is therefore vulnerable in his feelings --- he needs to be far more objective thinking and less emotional thinking at this point . Id get him a good Christian book on Relationships .......something by Tim LaHaye or from the Boys at Steve Arterburn hosts a nationally syndicated radio and TV show. Call 800-NEW-LIFE .

Finally, I don't see your Brother as being ready for a deep committed Dating Commitment quite yet . And when he IS ready, id suggest someone who is more like himself being of an introverted nature , someone more inline educationally and socio-economically , and very similar in temperament(s) . For now, id like to see him establish new friends of the opposite sex from Group atmospheres so he can practice sound elements of getting to know someone in a very conducive environment where things go slooooooooowly.


What do u think ?

 

[blackribbon]

Few thoughts here............

Im willing to bet dimes to donuts, that she is an extremely strong willed / demanding / Alpha Female coming from a Marine background . I think your Brother is going to find her very hard to get along with and please. THIS could be the reason why she is willing to entertain someone with far less education than she has ; my guess is that she is in need of a Guy who is quite reserved, layed back, non assertive , and passive so there wouldn't be a clash with her Temperment .

Additionally, I think your Brother needs to come up to speed on Relationships and Relationship dynamics because a few chats online is only the start of a Friendship and not anything deeper . It could be he is a bit desperate to have a woman in his life and is therefore vulnerable in his feelings --- he needs to be far more objective thinking and less emotional thinking at this point . Id get him a good Christian book on Relationships .......something by Tim LaHaye or from the Boys at Steve Arterburn hosts a nationally syndicated radio and TV show. Call 800-NEW-LIFE .

Finally, I don't see your Brother as being ready for a deep committed Dating Commitment quite yet . And when he IS ready, id suggest someone who is more like himself being of an introverted nature , someone more inline educationally and socio-economically , and very similar in temperament(s) . For now, id like to see him establish new friends of the opposite sex from Group atmospheres so he can practice sound elements of getting to know someone in a very conducive environment where things go slooooooooowly.


What do u think ?

Do you think? (note: dripping with sarcasm) I think I basically made this clear. HOW do you propose I change his personality, his personality disorder, and make him "grow up" and understand the concept of "relationships"? My mother and I would be very interested in your insight since we have been worrying about him all his life. And yes, he is desperate for a woman in his life....why else would he be looking at someone he couldn't see on a daily basis? A book...REALLY??...tell him to read a book and that will teach him everything he needs to know.....sure, right.... (He actually does have some female friends and does okay with them because he is a genuinely "nice guy")

Oh...I guess I didn't mention my brother was a Marine too so that actually is a "common ground".

My only concern was making sure that this woman was who she claims to be. After that, it is up to him. But I guess that is going to have to be his problem to figure out.

 

[Dark Winter]

you sound worn out and angry.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Do you think? (note: dripping with sarcasm) I think I basically made this clear. HOW do you propose I change his personality, his personality disorder, and make him "grow up" and understand the concept of "relationships"? My mother and I would be very interested in your insight since we have been worrying about him all his life. And yes, he is desperate for a woman in his life....why else would he be looking at someone he couldn't see on a daily basis? A book...REALLY??...tell him to read a book and that will teach him everything he needs to know.....sure, right.... (He actually does have some female friends and does okay with them because he is a genuinely "nice guy")

Oh...I guess I didn't mention my brother was a Marine too so that actually is a "common ground".

My only concern was making sure that this woman was who she claims to be. After that, it is up to him. But I guess that is going to have to be his problem to figure out.

I don't propose that you and your Mom try to change his personality or temperament , for, that is part of how God made him 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and he should be happy and celebrate the way he was wired by the Creator. The same goes for all of us.

That said, it would be a good idea for the two of you to encourage him along the lines of getting educated when it comes to Relationship dynamics providing he is willing . So, whatever approach you take is going to have to be soft, encouraging, etc... and so much the better if HE sees room for improvement in this area too.

Is he a Reader ? If so, I can suggest a couple of good Resources . Is he more of a Listener ? If so, I can suggest some great CD's and audio tapes from Christian Psychologists . Additionally, I would keep encouraging him to stay within Groups of Christian Singles because being around different people is going to help him get insight on what he finds appealing and not so appealing .

So, ill digress and let you answer .

 

[bobross]

you sound worn out and angry.

You sound mean and judgmental.

 

[Dark Winter]

You sound mean and judgmental.

Thank you for letting me know.

 

[blackribbon]

you sound worn out and angry.

Worn out would be accurate. And frustrated more than angry.

Specifically, I asked a question but got advice on something different and that I have no control over.

I am worn out because this forum used to be one of my lifelines as I struggle to survive a very grueling nursing program. However, I am frustrated because it is being over-moderated and nobody feels free to talk anymore. Me included. However I am probably not allowed to say that and will be sent to the membership area again.

And my prayer thread was sent away to die in an area that I never visit. (Probably another thing I am not allowed to have feelings about or post about.)

Moderaters ... if this breaks more rules, just delete the whole thread. It isn't worth any more grief.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't propose that you and your Mom try to change his personality or temperament , for, that is part of how God made him 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and he should be happy and celebrate the way he was wired by the Creator. The same goes for all of us.

That said, it would be a good idea for the two of you to encourage him along the lines of getting educated when it comes to Relationship dynamics providing he is willing . So, whatever approach you take is going to have to be soft, encouraging, etc... and so much the better if HE sees room for improvement in this area too.

Is he a Reader ? If so, I can suggest a couple of good Resources . Is he more of a Listener ? If so, I can suggest some great CD's and audio tapes from Christian Psychologists . Additionally, I would keep encouraging him to stay within Groups of Christian Singles because being around different people is going to help him get insight on what he finds appealing and not so appealing .

So, ill digress and let you answer .

Yes, he is a reader and probably has read more books than anyone you ever have met in your life. However, nobody reads a book offered to solve a problem that they didn't ask advice for. I have plenty of such books sitting in my bookcase. The ones you actually read are the ones that you are looking for advice on. (I also have ones that I have actually read that I'd suggest if he did ask. I'd never recommend a book that I haven't read myself but thanks for the offer).

And we encouraged him to do all the things you suggested when we lived in the same state as him....it gets harder to do when both mom and I live more than a 1000 miles away. He isn't going to change. And he isn't going to listen to any advice because he is "in love" and everyone "in love" thinks they know better than anyone else.

I did the best I could by modeling a "real" relationship for the 16 some years he lived with me and my husband. He got an up close and personal look at the good and bad of a marriage that worked.

My concern is that I just want to figure out if this woman is simply who she says she is. That is the only protection I can offer him. They do share a lot of common interests and she hasn't asked for money. If nobody has any suggestions for ways to check her out, then I may just pay for a very basic background check and then let it go.

 

[blackribbon]

Where do you propose he finds these "Christian groups" to hang out with? I know I haven't found any. And he works nights so is getting prepared to go to work when most evening groups meet. He is also "odd" and not someone people gravitate to. There are lots of "pretty" solutions that sound good in book but don't translate to real life situations.

My brother has asperger's ... like Sheldon in Big Bang but he is not exactly like that. This is called a "social" development disorder. He does not hear sarcasm. He assumes that people mean exactly what they say without question (he gets stood up a lot because of this). He doesn't see "red flags". He only started driving as an adult when I gave him my husband's car because I was moving out of state and didn't want him to be stranded when the buses didn't go where he needed to go. He had no real interest in learning and really scares me because he isn't a very good driver. (When I took him to practice drive when he was trying to get it at 16, I remember letting him drive down one very long residential street and just watched him. He never once looked to his left or right or in a mirror....even at stop signs and intersections. When I challenged him on this, he didn't understand why this was important. He also got mad at me because I kept making him pull back into the driveway since he never looked behind him when backing out. Next time, he thought using his rearview mirror was sufficient for backing out.)

He is different. Super smart intellectually (I believe genius IQ). Almost zero inborn common sense. He luckily has learned a little bit of street smarts but usually only after the fact. The Marines did teach him that but it was for survival sake. That is how God made him. No book is going to help him change...at least in how to have a "normal" relationship.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Yes, he is a reader and probably has read more books than anyone you ever have met in your life. However, nobody reads a book offered to solve a problem that they didn't ask advice for. I have plenty of such books sitting in my bookcase. The ones you actually read are the ones that you are looking for advice on. (I also have ones that I have actually read that I'd suggest if he did ask. I'd never recommend a book that I haven't read myself but thanks for the offer).

And we encouraged him to do all the things you suggested when we lived in the same state as him....it gets harder to do when both mom and I live more than a 1000 miles away. He isn't going to change. And he isn't going to listen to any advice because he is "in love" and everyone "in love" thinks they know better than anyone else.

I did the best I could by modeling a "real" relationship for the 16 some years he lived with me and my husband. He got an up close and personal look at the good and bad of a marriage that worked.

My concern is that I just want to figure out if this woman is simply who she says she is. That is the only protection I can offer him. They do share a lot of common interests and she hasn't asked for money. If nobody has any suggestions for ways to check her out, then I may just pay for a very basic background check and then let it go.

Its pointless trying to give insight to Someone who doesn't want it or doesn't feel they need it. SO, id pray that he gains understanding from practical experience and from Gods guidance and convictions.

I can appreciate your concern for your Brother but hes a fully grown mature Man , and would probably greatly resent you digging into his personal affairs by playing Detective with this latest woman. But theres nothing wrong with suggesting HE does some investigation as a precautionary measure IF he wants to.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Where do you propose he finds these "Christian groups" to hang out with? I know I haven't found any. And he works nights so is getting prepared to go to work when most evening groups meet. He is also "odd" and not someone people gravitate to. There are lots of "pretty" solutions that sound good in book but don't translate to real life situations.

My brother has asperger's ... like Sheldon in Big Bang but he is not exactly like that. This is called a "social" development disorder. He does not hear sarcasm. He assumes that people mean exactly what they say without question (he gets stood up a lot because of this). He doesn't see "red flags". He only started driving as an adult when I gave him my husband's car because I was moving out of state and didn't want him to be stranded when the buses didn't go where he needed to go. He had no real interest in learning and really scares me because he isn't a very good driver. (When I took him to practice drive when he was trying to get it at 16, I remember letting him drive down one very long residential street and just watched him. He never once looked to his left or right or in a mirror....even at stop signs and intersections. When I challenged him on this, he didn't understand why this was important. He also got mad at me because I kept making him pull back into the driveway since he never looked behind him when backing out. Next time, he thought using his rearview mirror was sufficient for backing out.)

He is different. Super smart intellectually (I believe genius IQ). Almost zero inborn common sense. He luckily has learned a little bit of street smarts but usually only after the fact. The Marines did teach him that but it was for survival sake. That is how God made him. No book is going to help him change...at least in how to have a "normal" relationship.

For someone like your Brother, I think its just going to take lots of experiences for him to learn from ...some will be bad and some will be good . It may require him falling flat on his face a couple times before he starts excercising more caution, common sense, and objectivity when choosing friends of both sexes .

If he works nights, then that's going to be a big problem with Social Groups that occur at nighttime . Maybe he can take advantage of weekend events, activities, etc... with a Group of People. Have him check out the local Newspapers for events, his own local church for upcoming events, same for other local churches, and maybe special Social Groups for the mentally challenged often held at larger local Hospitals where commeraderie can be had.

 

[blackribbon]

]..... and maybe special Social Groups for the mentally challenged often held at larger local Hospitals where commeraderie can be had.

Do you even read my posts at all before you respond? I said his IQ is probably in the genius range... I am not sure how a social group for the mentally challenged would benefit him. This is a social disability, not a mental one.

As for him, he knows I am concerned and I told him I was going to check her out a bit. He didn't object because he knows I check the men out in my life and that I am doing it for all the right reasons. We have a good relationship at the moment and I was just pointing out that by me stuffing books in his face, I would probably damage it.

And yes, he needs to make his own mistakes but I wouldn't be a loving sister if I knew he was walking into a building about to be blown up without at least warning him. The relationship stuff is his to work out. I just want to do due-diligence to help him verify that she isn't a big con job. I don't think that is meddling or over-stepping my boundaries, especially since he knows that I am doing this and didn't ask me not to.

To be honest, I think SHE knows I am checking her out because I think he told her I was. I actually feel more reassured because she appears to be okay with it. Maybe she is just "odd" like him.

 

[blackribbon]

For someone like your Brother, I think its just going to take lots of experiences for him to learn from ...some will be bad and some will be good . It may require him falling flat on his face a couple times before he starts excercising more caution, common sense, and objectivity when choosing friends of both sexes .

Once again, you are assuming that everyone is born with common sense that can be exercised if they just try a little harder. This is NOT true. Some people have to be taught the stuff that seem to come relatively easily for the major of us. Falling flat on his face will be worthless without some there to explain why it happened. On the flip side, he learned to read at age of 4 with no one teaching him. I am guessing the majority of us who do have common sense probably required a teacher to actually learn the skill of reading and wouldn't have just figured it out if given a pile of books. God just wired some people differently. I suspect it was to teach us how to show compassion.