Chastity in Marriage

[Dominus Fidelis]

Anyone experience this for some amount of time?

I'm especially interested in how females feel about it. Can you be "satisfied" with intimacy that does not involve the maritial act, such as cuddling/kissing?

Thanks

 

[cool2bCatholic]

Well, I have no insight into this, but I just wanted to clarify your choice of words. Chastity is very different from abstinence. One should practice the virtue of chastity no matter what their state of life.
God bless you!
Angela

 

[Gwendolyn]

Chastity within marriage doesn't mean not having sex. It engenders fidelity, the selfless, self-sacrificing gift of one's self to one's spouse, a firm rejection of lust (which, of course, can exist in the marital relationship when one desires not so much the intimate, mutual surrender of the marital embrace, but the satisfaction that could result therefrom), a commitment to always affirm and respect the dignity of one's spouse, and to always treat one's spouse with the dignity and respect that they deserve when it comes to the sexual relationship.

 

[Irenaeus]

Good, Veritas.

Intercourse in marriage is chaste.

 

[Paul S]

Quite correct, all of you. We are all called to chastity - sexual activity appropriate to our state in life. Not having sex at all is celibacy, or abstinence.

 

[ej]

If I had a husband I would do whatever made him happy. If that meant abstinence, then so be it.

 

[Irenaeus]

Well, granted that, let's get back to Dominus' question...

Coming from someone who has to be completely abstinent, (myself) I have to say that I could imagine that for a married partner it may take some getting used to occasionally, but I think the personal time without just sex could be very constructive.

Like most parts of temperance, it takes discipline and complete custodianship over the passions. It is a grace.

 

[Annabel Lee]

Anyone experience this for some amount of time?

For about 6 months during a serious illness.

I'm especially interested in how females feel about it. Can you be "satisfied" with intimacy that does not involve the maritial act, such as cuddling/kissing?

Thanks

Worry over someone's health tends to toss sexuality to the curb.

 

[Sacha Saint Francis]

Hi Dominus Fidelis,

I guess if it were for a reason of illness, I could completely agree with Annabel Lee! (Even pregnancy can make you NOT want to be physical, with a body that's all swollen and aching and nauseous...)

However, in physically well people... that love each other... that sleep in the same bed. I don't think I could do it. It's WAY different to be celibate and single, than to be celibate, while the object of your undying love is the warm body beside you under the blankets. Also, sharing the bedroom and having to both get dressed there, using the same bathroom, going on holiday together, all these things add to the temptations! I can't imagine seeing my hubby in a towel after a hot bath, every night, and sleeping in the same bed as him and being celibate. (In my non-pregnant state, that is. Right now all I notice is food and my pillow!) I would imagine being only allowed to cuddle, I would become frustrated, edgy and emotionally needy.

I guess one would need the right motivation, and separate rooms.

Sacha

 

[LongingForLight]

I think it would depend why. If it was permanent, we were unable to have any (more) children (age, illness, or whatever reason) and for the sake of holiness, I might be willing to - but only after we had fulfilled the purpose of marriage as fully as we could. If one of us had a medical condition that prevented sexuality, I would be fine there, too. We are already abstinent for periods of time using NFP - though we're talking about changing that soon .

On the other hand, if my husband couldn't give me a good reason why - I would feel very hurt. Sexual intimacy is very important to me, and if I didn't understand why, it would feel like he was trying to "take back" his marriage vows and that he didn't really think of us as one flesh.

Essentially, it comes down to emotions and fulfilling the spiritual purpose of marraige. While the physical satisfaction is great, it's the emotional and spiritual satisfaction of renewing our wedding vows that is important to me. Including the promise to accept children lovingly from God. I really want to get to work on that one But if there was a good reason for long-term abstinence that didn't seem like a rejection of me as a sexual being and that fulfilled the purpose of marriage as much as possible under the circumstances . . . cuddling is absolutely wonderful, kissing is great, chocolate for me is a bonus, and I'll give a back massage in return. Add some praying as a couple, and that sounds like a dreamy evening.

 

[bostonlass]

First let me also state that abstinence while being single and abstinence while married are like apples and oranges. I was abstinent while single for many years, I was abstinent while married for long periods of time and now I'm again abstinent while single. Look at it like this........I decide to give up eating ice cream and I make the decision to not buy it or keep it in my home at all. Pretty simple not to eat it...the temptation may come around from time to time and even seeing it at the supermarket can be tough but definitely doable. Now fill my freezer with Ben n Jerry's NY Super Chunk Fudge ice cream and Hood's chippedy chocolatey. I'm salivating on the kitchen floor after day 1 and can almost guarantee you that no matter how many Hail Mary's I've said, those pints are gonners by the end of the week.


In my marriage there was one sided abstinence only so this may not be helpful at all. My husband refused to be intimate with me while I was pregnant because he said that my body, plump with baby, was no longer appealing to him. I didn't have sex for 11 months from the time I was pregnant to about a month after the baby was born. I got pregnant again directly from that one time in 11 months that we had sex. It was about another 15 months after that until we were intimate again and then that was it. He said my body was still unappealing after the baby since I still had about thirty pounds to lose. He eventually found another woman and left me for her. Did I survive the abstinence? Sure. Was I miserable? Like nobody's business.

If I ever marry again I want a man with a healthy sexual appetite. I'm talkin' once a day AT LEAST since I have some catchin' up to do.

 

[Irenaeus]

sweetcaroline,

You're probably right, of course.

I really shouldn't comment on what I haven't lived through. Sorry, guys!

 

[Dominus Fidelis]

Thanks...I'd appreciate some more female feedback...and yes, if it was for a good reason.

 

[U R my Sonshine]

If he was sick, yes. If I were sick, yes. Fine and dandy. If it were because we weren't in the market for more children like had been discussed on other threads....I have to be honest, I would be hurt and feel like he didn't love "me" but only my baby producing capabilities, yes. I would be resentful and feel excedingly rejected. And since I would rather "have an enema" or any number of other unpleasantries, than make love during most of my pregnancies, I wouldn't be getting any physical love then either. I would be wholey celibate, and probably feel pretty miserable....(within a marriage)


It just really depends on the reason.

I like Sweet carolines icecream analogy. I wouldn't want it in the house if I weren't supposed to have it. BUT if I knew I was supposed to save it for the church picknick or something (ie good reason) I could hold off for a while....get some later

Since tradition and scripture cannot contradict (right? correct me if I am wrong) I would still take Pauls words to heart and "not deny each other for anything more than short periods for prayer and fasting, lest you succumb to temptation." If my honey were praying and fasting I would be so busy respecting him I would definately be able to hold off. But Boy would he be "in for it" when he was done!

 

[U R my Sonshine]

Anyone experience this for some amount of time?

I'm especially interested in how females feel about it. Can you be "satisfied" with intimacy that does not involve the maritial act, such as cuddling/kissing?

Thanks

I just wanted to add after I read you question again that the cuddling and kissing part would definately help me over the preverbial "hump' and I could abstain a bit longer. Sex without that would not be love in my opinion any way. So that is half of it that I wouldn't feel denied.

 

[D'Ann]

Anyone experience this for some amount of time?

I'm especially interested in how females feel about it. Can you be "satisfied" with intimacy that does not involve the maritial act, such as cuddling/kissing?

Thanks

One word for your question: NO!

There are only two acceptable reasons for not unitively joining together as husband wife and one reason could be due to illness...

"OR"

If both parties agree to sustain for a small amount of time due to a "calling" to by God Himself... well then ... okay too, providing both are agreeable to such an agreement.

Honestly, I only know of one couple that was called to live a married life without the "making love" tied into it... Mary and Joseph. Of course, I did read that during the time of Mary and Joseph... there were many couples who did sustain from the making love part of their marriage... but only because they knew without a shadow of a doubt... that it was a calling by God to do so...

Also, the Bible is very clear and also the teachings of the Catholic Church... that men are to "please" their wives and wives are to "obey" their husbands... also... I believe Paul wrote that it is the wifely duty and all of that stuff... Anyway... I think that I answered your question... IMHO.

God's Peace,

Debbie

 

[bostonlass]

Just thinking about this subject, and if my husband came to me and asked me if we could please be celibate for a week or two in order to strengthen his and our faith I would be able to go along with it. (I have to say the timing of that week would help a lot if you know what I mean ) If he came to me and said we'd need to be abstinate for the rest of our marriage so that he and we could strengthen our faith I would immediately think he no longer loved me and that there was a BIG problem in the marriage. I think I'd cry my eyes out the whole night.