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Inkachu

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I'd seriously question the entire relationship. Dating a person with mental health issues is a delicate matter in itself; having them suddenly decide they need therapy in the middle of the relationship because they aren't 'good enough' for you...that hints at much larger issues.
 
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gzt

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It really depends. I mean, we should all ideally want to be better people than we are, and sometimes it takes other people to make us realize it. Like, if you suddenly take on or are about to take on huge responsibilities, you often realize that, hey, you can't do things as you are and you need to change. Major life events, like marriage or the birth of kids, really ought to provoke these sorts of responses because, no matter what your life was like, you really cannot live in the exact same way after they happen.

I mean, hey, I know when I met my now-fiance that I had to change my ways, that I wanted to be a better person for her, that she would be a great help to me in living the way I ought to live. And so I set about doing so. And this was a large part of why I wanted to marry her, that we both work better together than apart. Though, to be sure, I didn't tell her about any of that for quite a while. And once we're married, I'm sure we'll have to change even more. And when we, God willing, have our first child. And so on and so forth. Marriage is a cross given to us and it is one of the means God gives us to work out our salvation in fear and trembling.

On the other hand, you know, sometimes things are creepy.
 
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PetLuv

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Wow, watching this thread is like seeing most of the thoughts I have gone through typed out.
We have met, in June he spent 3 days here. When making plans for the trip was when he started talking about working on being better for me. I have asked many times what he thinks that he needs to be better for, and his answers are basically the same - better at work and better for me. He won't be more specific than that.

And, whoever asked if he is different in a way that I don't like, you are right. He makes almost no sense to me anymore, and talking to him is like talking to a wall most of the time lately. I ask him a wuestion and he answers me with a portion that makes no sense at all without more information.

I did bring it up with him last night, and he wanted to know what he was doing that was wrong so he could change it to make me happy. I told him that it wasn't about him changing so I am happy and that we need to be able to get along well with both of us happy.
 
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bluelime2

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Totally agree. My initial response to the OP was run, RUN, RUN!! If someones foremost desire to change is for the happiness they percieve they'll attain by being with someone else, when they get that person, (and realise how human they are) and have achieved 'the goal' - the incentive to stay that way can lessen and the person can backslide. The pressure of being different without the true internal changes that only God can bring will eventually crack the temporary facade and it'll come down. That can be pretty devestating for the person who's believed in them.

Someone has to change because they want it for them. Because that's the only way they'll have enough steam to keep pursuing it permanently until they get there. Anything else is like uncomfortable 'dressed up' clothes for church. Restrictive. Polite. Create a great image but you can't live in them.

People who live with abusive partners or addicts face this same cycle. The person they love really 'wants' to change and often trys hard, usually at least several times if not many. But eventually they go back to their old habits because changing 'for' someone else just isn't enough incentive to keep going. It has to come from within them for them. And at a pace they can cope with and maintain.

We can all want to be a better person for someone we percieve as better then ourselves, and if that only takes a bit more effort (because we've been slack but are capable of it) then it's doable. But when the gap is too large that change is based on a mistaken premise and can devestate the innocent party when it falls through. We can't be someone we're not. No matter how hard we try, the best any of us can do is create a good facade. Who we are is who we are and that's just the way it is.

So if it was me (from what you've described) I think I'd be running!


(pray for the guy, but beyond that, if he's not in your league, just let him know kindly and move on if the whole situation is in terms of a relationship. To make him think he's got a chance will just cause him more pain (or you both if you go out with him) and then you'll be guilty in the whole thing as well.


My thoughts from what you've posted anyway.


Hope that helps. (Sometimes the worst thing we can do when we care about someone is sell out - and that works both ways.)
 
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