Changing your name when married

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

This might be better for women's discussion, but thought here would be a good place to start.

Ok - when you got married - did u change your name?

1. If so - why?
2. If not - why not?
3. If not - what will you do when you have/what did you do when you had children?
4. What was the response from those around you with your choices?

Just my best friend didn't change her name, and I couldn't imagine getting married and not - her reasons didn't seem to make sense (plus having the 'girl' kids with her last name and the 'boy' kids with his sounds silly to me). For me, whether it sounds stupid or not, changing my name is a symbolic thing of leaving my family and my single life behind to join with him (plus my dad had no influence on my life at all - he was permantently AWOL - so I have no feelings there of my last name). Of course, there provides a great reason for making up a completely different name!!!



Would LOVE to hear the debates on this - without it getting mean

Sascha

 

[lucypevensie]

1. If so - why?
Why not? I guess I think a married couple should have the same last name. It helps to distinguish that the two people are in a marriage situation and not a dating/live-in situation. I also see it as an issue of submission. He loves me and I know he does not take some sick pleasure in ownership of me or anything. He loves me and so I am happy to submit in this small way. In so many cases today women refuse to take their husband's name because of some women's lib thing. Somehow they think that taking her husband's name they are not being empowered as women or as individuals. Plus, I love my new name. My maiden name rhymed with my first name and made me the butt of a lot of dumb jokes.
2. If not - why not?
3. If not - what will you do when you have/what did you do when you had children? They share our family name (which as I explained above is originaly his name)
4. What was the response from those around you with your choices?
No response at all. It's just a normal thing to do.

 

[desi]

Women change their last name as a sign of deference to their husbands. Like you said leaving your family to start your own with your husband at the head. While I don't particularly like my last name I would have had second thoughts if my wife would have arged about it which she did not.

 

[katelyn]

I did change my last name. I feel that it promotes our family unity. I don't feel that by changing my last name that I am giving up my heritage; I can always sign my name with my last name included if I feel like revealing my heritage. And giving one of our children my maiden name as a middle name is a definite possibility. And of course our children will know my relatives and learn about our history. I don't feel like I have to keep my name to do this.

I know some people choose the hyphenation option, and argue that if the husband also takes the wife's maiden name, then family unity is not harmed by the choice. I agree with that point, but I feel like if this became a common practice, it would get pretty confusing. Would our grandchildren have four last names? Or would only two last names "win?" If it's the latter, then the equality of using both names is not preserved very long down the line. If it's the former...then well, our grandchildren would get hand cramps just from writing their last name.

 

[brokenbananas]

In my first marriage, I had submission issues. I hyphentated my name. So, in a sense, I guess in my heart I didn't fully commit as I should've. I had gained recognition with my hyphenated name in my career, but when I remarried, I took on my husband's name and chose not to hyphenate. This marriage is way better than the first and submission does not seem to be an issue. I feel there is more unity in this marriage. I'm not sure if it had anything to with converting over completely, but I feel it's a sign of leaving one family and starting a new one.

 

[sarah marie]

I took my husband's last name. Why? Tradition. I considered keeping my name and my husband didn't object. Knowing him the way I do, I could see that it represented a sense of unity to him. I think if I had kept my name, he may very well have taken mine. In the end I took his name to celebrate our "oneness". After we were married, I realized that taking his name meant more to him that keeping my name meant to me.

On a related note:

I'm a family historian, so I'm a little biased on this. Separate, hypenated or new last names are a nightmare to come for the family historian. Since this is a fairly new practice, it hasn't had much of an impact on researchers today. Unless more people become interested in documenting their current family history, researchers are going to be pulling their hair out 100 years from now (at least in the branches of the family where there are last name differences).

By the way, I was surprised how common a practice it has been to give at least one of the children the mother's maiden name as a middle name. That trend seems to have all but disappeared by the 1960's.

 

[Cordy]

We both hyphenated
We did so because we believe that a married name should represent a change and union for both people. People say women should change their names as a sign of leaving their families and starting a new united life with their husbands. But why only women? - Especially since the Bible says that it is men that are to leave their father and mother and be joined together with his wife. We think that by joining our names we not only carry BOTH our heritages with us, but we also take on the other's name and heritage, bringing together two lives in unity.
When we have kids, they will have hyphenated names. Our hyphenated name is much simpler and shorter than many single named families.

 

[enslow]

When a couple marry in BC the wife is entitled to use her husband's last name. Legally she can use either one. That means that if she changes her mind later, or divorces, she can switch back to her maiden name without any legal process. If she chooses to hyphenate the last names then she must legally change her last name.

Enslow

 

[Archivist]

The last name is a cultural issue not an issue of submission as some posts have implied. I favor both the husband and wife keeping their last names or both of them hyphenating their names. Contrary to what has been said, hyphenating will not create a problem with later generations having four or eight hyphenated names names as each person will simply choose to drop one name when they marry. As to this causing problems for future family historians, there are enough ways to trace individuals today (such as social security or driver's license numbers) that last names will not be an issue for future researchers.

 

[sarah marie]

The last name is a cultural issue not an issue of submission as some posts have implied.

Which posts implied this? Desi came right out and said it was an issue of submission, so I am assuming you're not referring to him.

As to this causing problems for future family historians, there are enough ways to trace individuals today (such as social security or driver's license numbers) that last names will not be an issue for future researchers.

The problem doesn't lie in the number of ways to document an ancestor or cousin. It lies in the number of ways to conduct a search. However, I wasn't saying that this should be anyone's reason for taking their husband's last name. I simply said that I'm a little biased, when it comes to family history.

 

[wandering stranger]

When a couple marry in BC the wife is entitled to use her husband's last name. Legally she can use either one. That means that if she changes her mind later, or divorces, she can switch back to her maiden name without any legal process. If she chooses to hyphenate the last names then she must legally change her last name.

Enslow

Canadians! They always do things better.

 

[Archivist]

Which posts implied this? Desi came right out and said it was an issue of submission, so I am assuming you're not referring to him.

The problem doesn't lie in the number of ways to document an ancestor or cousin. It lies in the number of ways to conduct a search. However, I wasn't saying that this should be anyone's reason for taking their husband's last name. I simply said that I'm a little biased, when it comes to family history.

Actually I was referring to Desi's post which did not say that it was an issue of submission. Desi said that taking the husband's last name was "a sign of deference" which I think implies submission.

I do understand your point regarding conducting a search--as a professional archivist that is a big part of what I do. I was simply pointing out that it is less of an issue for the current generation than for past generations since other means of searching now exist.

BTW, I would disagree with Desi's view that he would have had second thoughts about marrying his wife iof she had not taken his name. That's fine if it works for him and his wife (which it apparently does so more power to them) but it certainly isn't my view--I see marriage as a relationship between two equals.

 

[katelyn]

Contrary to what has been said, hyphenating will not create a problem with later generations having four or eight hyphenated names names as each person will simply choose to drop one name when they marry.

Right, but if the issue is equality (one name is not more important than the other), then I think that kind of defeats the equality issue (and I haven't seen any other arguments for why you should hyphenate), since one name will eventually be chosen and the other dropped. By hyphenating, you're just putting off the inequality for an extra generation.

I'm not saying hyphenating is wrong or anything...just that I don't feel the need to hyphenate to prove that my heritage is just as important as my husband's.

 

[Archivist]

Right, but if the issue is equality (one name is not more important than the other), then I think that kind of defeats the equality issue (and I haven't seen any other arguments for why you should hyphenate), since one name will eventually be chosen and the other dropped. By hyphenating, you're just putting off the inequality for an extra generation.

I'm not saying hyphenating is wrong or anything...just that I don't feel the need to hyphenate to prove that my heritage is just as important as my husband's.

It is a matter of personal choice. However, hyphenating doesn't necessarily defeat equality because it wouldn't necessarily be the mother's name that a child would choose to drop. He or she could drop the name on either side of the hyphen when he or she married and created a new hyphenated name.

 

[katelyn]

It is a matter of personal choice. However, hyphenating doesn't necessarily defeat equality because it wouldn't necessarily be the mother's name that a child would choose to drop. He or she could drop the name on either side of the hyphen when he or she married and created a new hyphenated name.

Well, technically it does defeat equality either way. It doesn't matter which one gets dropped. Either way you are giving priority to one name and not the other. Inequality can go both ways, you know.

 

[rainyday]

When I first married I changed my name without hesitation. But I could never get used to the new name and the new identity that came with it though. Everytime anyone asked me for my full name, my REAL name came flying off the tongue.

After being married for 8 years I finally changed my name back without incorporating his at all. He didn't have a problem with it.

When we had our daughter, I wanted her to have his last name as the name issue was mine, not hers. However, he insisted that she have both last names WITHOUT having a hyphen in it. This created a new name which belongs to her alone consisting of only two syllables. She loves it! He did this also for my father's sake since he only had girls and thus his name continued on.

I can't tell you the difference changing my name back to the REAL me made! I was 'ME' again and it felt really good. I really didn't like having his name ... but that was a marriage issue now that I look back on it, and not one about changing my name. It had everything to do with our marriage.

Today, with my impending divorce, I'm glad I changed it back then. I think part of the reason why it didn't 'fit' for me is that there were issues in the marriage from the beginning. Today however, should I decide to marry again, I would WITHOUT A DOUBT change my name to create a solid identity with my husband. I'd feel confident about it this time because for me to take an oath of wedding vows at this stage in my life again, I'd really be sure; I wasn't when I was 19.

Next ...

 

[Flipper]

Mine respects me enough and is secure enough in his manhood that he could have cared less whether I changed my name or not. He said himself that I was marrying him, and not his name. That being said, I changed it because it is easier for both of us to have the same name.

However, if I were to get married now, rather than 5 years ago, my career is built up enough and my name is well known enough within my career, that I would probably have given serious thought to keeping my maiden name, or at least changing it to be my middle name, and using 3 names.

It's a personal choice for personal reasons, and one should not be judged for their decision in the manner.