Can't take this anymore

DLX · May 9, 2006

I have been waiting for a bed to open up at the hospital since last Thursday. I am not really suicidal at all. I think about it, I guess. But am not really considering it. I am just thouroughly depressed. I can't take care of my kids. I can't do the things I normally do. I feel like I am at my witt's end. I just want to be free from all of this. I just started Lamotragine last night and the Dr says it could take 3 or 4 weeks for it to start working. How am I going to cope with being like this for 3 or 4 weeks? Plus, I have been dealing with a lot of paranoia, so now the Dr thinks that I may have a touch of schizoaffective disorder on top of the bipolar. But I always thought the paranoia was from the attack that I went through when I was 10. I guess it is hard to tell.

I would really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.

Lexi

Alive again · May 9, 2006

Statements like I can't take this anymore and I am just want to be free from all this are statements of suicidality, although I hear you saying you are not actively planing your suicide.

So talk to your doc or crisis center and keep in close touch until that bed opens up or the lamictal kicks in.

Your family needs you even though your thoughts may try to convince you otherwise. These thoughts are a symptom of your illness and are not reality. Fight them with the truth that you kids are young and need their Mom, even ill your kids are better off with you alive than trying to understand why you killed yourself.

Run to help, not away from those who love and need you!!!1

Praying!

wonderwaleye · May 9, 2006

Dear DoulaLexi

I was One hair away from being no more. All plans were ready!!!

The only thought that saved me came from GOD'S WORD:

" THOW SHALL NOT TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE "

Now if you need instant access to a mental health care unit call the police dept. or sheriff's dept and tell them your going to kill yourself.

This may seem extreme but you have no idea just how fast you'll find a bed.

There is one thing that really bothers me and I feel I must say it.

I was given Lamotrigine for anxiety.

Only after the med that took care of my depression which was Zoloft (sertraline )

Sertraline hydrochloride (Zoloft) is an orally administered antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) type.

I'm not a doctor and I don't want you to take this as a recommendation but I do recommend you seek another doctors opinion.

You stay on them and don't let up. It is you that is in real pain!!!

WE ARE IN THIS THING TOGETHER, JUST REMEMBER:

XEven though you can't see Him, GOD is there!O
( click on the X and move to the O ) ( then feel who is around you ) steven

Shalia · May 9, 2006

And Zoloft made me manic crazy. Amazing how different we are, huh?

To the OP, Lamictal (what you were given) can work in a much shorter period of time than that. But it can be *very* subtle and hard to notice until suddenly you wake up and go "wow! Life doesn't suck so badly anymore!"

I'm sorry you are feeling so terribly and I pray you start feeling better soon.

Called2Grace · May 10, 2006

Effexor brought on manic with me.
So now I have something...which I can't remember...great and that keeps me awake, then i take my mood stabilisers which make me a little sleepy.....although it is better than being Manic or depressed!

rushingwind62 · May 10, 2006

I know Dr's say it could take two or three weeks for meds to start working but I have found with my meds that it didn't take that long. If you are having sucidial thoughts then yes you should seek professional help. And if that means going to the hospital then do it. I had it to do it 6 times before I finally found new ways to cope and deal with everyday stressors. It will get better, Lexi. It just takes time to find ways to deal and cope with stress. Stay in counseling for as long as it takes. I was in counseling for 3 years and have just gotten to a place where I am maintaining and do not feel the need for therapy anymore. Just stay on your meds and don't stop them even if you feel better, because they are vital to our day to day maintaining.....Try some meditation tapes when you get stressed or go for a walk in the park. I find that helps me a lot.....and always talk to those close to you, let them know what is going on. They can help you look at options you may be missing.....God Bless You and EVERYONE!!!.....Rush

DLX · May 11, 2006

Well, I am still going crazy and nothing has changed. It doesn't sound like there will be a bed availible until next week.

I guess the one thing that is bothering me is my husband. He is not understanding at all. He just gets angry and I feel like I am walking on egg shells all of the time. He doesn't understand mental illness at all. I mean, he has been helpful in letting me rest while he takes the kids to the park or something. But then he just gets angry about it later. I need to get away from that right now. But I don't want to leave the kids as he is fighting against my Mom coming in and helping. He would prefer total strangers coming in to help. I don't get it.

Lexi

Alive again · May 11, 2006

DoulaLexi said:
Well, I am still going crazy and nothing has changed. It doesn't sound like there will be a bed availible until next week.

I guess the one thing that is bothering me is my husband. He is not understanding at all. He just gets angry and I feel like I am walking on egg shells all of the time. He doesn't understand mental illness at all. I mean, he has been helpful in letting me rest while he takes the kids to the park or something. But then he just gets angry about it later. I need to get away from that right now. But I don't want to leave the kids as he is fighting against my Mom coming in and helping. He would prefer total strangers coming in to help. I don't get it.

Lexi

I understand, as my husband was very similiar, he even accused me of faking my illness. It took others and counseling for my hubby to finally begin to understand. I actually kicked him out when he accused me and my Dad who also was disabled from bp helped him some to understand and then the counselor more. I am not sure my hubby would have ever understood without drastic measures. Sign!! I hope this is not the case for you and your dear hubby.

Also know that when I felt better, the issue with my hubby did not seem so large and overwhelming. And the feeling of walking on eggshells (my hubby would blow up in anger) became more just being careful when i chose to bring up issues, and life has improved in our relationship as my own thinking became less effected by my illness.

Please hang in there and get the help you need for your illness, even if he doesn't understand!!!

I am praying for you !!! Keep in touch!!! and pm anytime!!!

goldenviolet · May 11, 2006

love and blessings to you! *warmfuzzies* too

do what you need to hun. you are valuable.

DLX · May 12, 2006

I am feeling much better the past two days. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragment. Hopefully I continue to feel better and not worse.

We are babysitting a little orange kitten for the weekend, so I am feeling happy about that.

Lexi

Alive again · May 12, 2006

DoulaLexi said:
I am feeling much better the past two days. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragment. Hopefully I continue to feel better and not worse.

We are babysitting a little orange kitten for the weekend, so I am feeling happy about that.

Lexi

We are still praying. Thank you for keeping us updated!!!

rosedewright · May 30, 2006

DoulaLexi said:
I have been waiting for a bed to open up at the hospital since last Thursday. I am not really suicidal at all. I think about it, I guess. But am not really considering it. I am just thouroughly depressed. I can't take care of my kids. I can't do the things I normally do. I feel like I am at my witt's end. I just want to be free from all of this. I just started Lamotragine last night and the Dr says it could take 3 or 4 weeks for it to start working. How am I going to cope with being like this for 3 or 4 weeks? Plus, I have been dealing with a lot of paranoia, so now the Dr thinks that I may have a touch of schizoaffective disorder on top of the bipolar. But I always thought the paranoia was from the attack that I went through when I was 10. I guess it is hard to tell.

I would really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.

Lexi

Please take this from someone who knows, even though you say you aren't contemplating suicide not getting the treatment you need quickly can soon bring on those kinds of thoughts.i have manic bipolar depression for years i thought that i had it under control myself. well all of those suicidal thoughts i hadnt been having caused me to be placed on life support for the better part of 3 mos. In february only 12 days before my 24 birthday i took 2 full scripts of percacepts. Physically dying (though still concious mentally) the most terrible thing i have ever experienced was hearing a code blue being called on myself when i had not had suicidal thoughts previous to actually taking the pills. I took them in a manic state after 3 solid days of sheer dread and anguish brought on by depression. even in all the depression i hadnt been suicidal it wasnt until my judgement and self control were thrown out the door by the mania that i made a split second overhypere decision to take my own life. Even though you are depressed now i hope you understand that any part of a mental illness is dangerous and getting help only for the depression periods may not be healthy for your well being, I hope sincerely that you are and stay well. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for your recovery in my heart.
Regina

DLX · May 31, 2006

Hi Regina,

I am feeling well again. Thanks for your thoughts and I am sorry you had to go through that. It is tough dealing with Bipolar. I have been dealing with it for 14 years. But I feel like I have matured a lot. I don't cut anymore. I think about my kids and how they need a mother. I call the crisis team if I need to talk to someone. This stuff all gets me through. I guess the one thing that I don't do is get closer to God through it all. I kind of pull away from Him. I would like to get into a habbit of running to Him in my time of sorrow. I wonder how it would be different.

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts. Hope you are well.

Lexi

loveiseverywhere · Jun 9, 2006

I agree with wonderwaleye. I've needed a bed at a hospital so badly that I told them I was suicidal, even when I didn't have any real plans, just felt like I wanted to die. They have to admit you or find you a bed somewhere else. It's a liability issue for the hospital and they can get you stabilized.

rosedewright · Jun 16, 2006

Well it not really part of the thread but maybe i could just get some feedback. I am curently taking limictal for my bipolar depression and even though we have been very careful my husband and i have found ourselves pregnant. My doctor has informed me that my med is very dangerous for the fetus and to stop taking it. The only problem is that i'm almost 12 weeks pregnant already which is almost the end of the first trimester. My first ultrasound has not givin very good hope that my baby will be normal or even survive. This has left me with heartbreaking decisions i have to make in a very short time. If i stop taking my meds and the baby dies i will be worse than devistated. I would love my child even if it were to be born handicapped. But the chances of it living would be slim. So my doctor has given me two choices have a medical abortion now and continue to take my meds. Or carry a baby that will likely die and not be on my meds when it happens and not know how it will affect me. I am already heartbroken knowing that i have caused this problem for my child even if it lives. I just dont think i could deal with it if it dies and i fly of the handle without my meds at the same time i dont think i could have the abortion because i just cant take the ideal of killing my baby if there is any hope at all no matter how slim the odds are. If anyone has any advice to offer it would be more than greatly appreciated. I feel like i am at total loss here.

DLX · Jun 17, 2006

rosedewright said:
Well it not really part of the thread but maybe i could just get some feedback. I am curently taking limictal for my bipolar depression and even though we have been very careful my husband and i have found ourselves pregnant. My doctor has informed me that my med is very dangerous for the fetus and to stop taking it. The only problem is that i'm almost 12 weeks pregnant already which is almost the end of the first trimester. My first ultrasound has not givin very good hope that my baby will be normal or even survive. This has left me with heartbreaking decisions i have to make in a very short time. If i stop taking my meds and the baby dies i will be worse than devistated. I would love my child even if it were to be born handicapped. But the chances of it living would be slim. So my doctor has given me two choices have a medical abortion now and continue to take my meds. Or carry a baby that will likely die and not be on my meds when it happens and not know how it will affect me. I am already heartbroken knowing that i have caused this problem for my child even if it lives. I just dont think i could deal with it if it dies and i fly of the handle without my meds at the same time i dont think i could have the abortion because i just cant take the ideal of killing my baby if there is any hope at all no matter how slim the odds are. If anyone has any advice to offer it would be more than greatly appreciated. I feel like i am at total loss here.

Wow, what a tough situation. I can only say what I would do if I were you and I don't know if that is what you need to hear right now. Focus On The Family is a great resource. You can call and talk to them about this. They deal with this kind of thing all the time.

I will be praying for you.

Lexi

Alive again · Jun 17, 2006

rosedewright said:
Well it not really part of the thread but maybe i could just get some feedback. I am curently taking limictal for my bipolar depression and even though we have been very careful my husband and i have found ourselves pregnant. My doctor has informed me that my med is very dangerous for the fetus and to stop taking it. The only problem is that i'm almost 12 weeks pregnant already which is almost the end of the first trimester. My first ultrasound has not givin very good hope that my baby will be normal or even survive. This has left me with heartbreaking decisions i have to make in a very short time. If i stop taking my meds and the baby dies i will be worse than devistated. I would love my child even if it were to be born handicapped. But the chances of it living would be slim. So my doctor has given me two choices have a medical abortion now and continue to take my meds. Or carry a baby that will likely die and not be on my meds when it happens and not know how it will affect me. I am already heartbroken knowing that i have caused this problem for my child even if it lives. I just dont think i could deal with it if it dies and i fly of the handle without my meds at the same time i dont think i could have the abortion because i just cant take the ideal of killing my baby if there is any hope at all no matter how slim the odds are. If anyone has any advice to offer it would be more than greatly appreciated. I feel like i am at total loss here.

Praying for you during thi difficult time. Remeber that God has your child in His hands and numbered his days before conception. Understanding the why of this will not happen here on earth, but you can rest in His love and the knowledge that He has it under control. I cannot tell you what to do in this situation. Both choices are difficult to live with, but in the midst of this decision and the emotions naturally involved with it, remember to trusts in the truths you know about our God. Pm or post anytime, my prayers are with you!

prayingwoman · Jun 18, 2006

I can understand your emotional turmoil. I don't know the answer other than to pray and trust God to do what is best. I am here if you need me and I will be praying for you. Sending you gentle hugs too.

rosedewright · Jun 25, 2006

I thank you all for your support and im soory i havent responded but i have been in the hospital because i lost the baby. I am ok but still very sad at the same time. I will be seeing my theropist tommorrow and that will do some good i hope. I am somewhat relieved with the way things happened but at the same time i am mourning as well. loss of life is never easy but this way i didnt have to make the decision to do anything that would have hurt worse than this at least . I start my meds again today as well. I wasnt off of them long enough to cause to much of a problem with dosing though so i think i will be ok. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and prayers i guess God always finds a way even if its down a path we dont think is travelable but he always knows best.

Alive again · Jun 25, 2006

I am praying for you. I also lost a baby (before I was married and I was very ashamed-wanted not to be pregnant yet,but had a fleeting thought about abortion, etc) so I know the combination of emotions of relief and sadness) If you ever want tot talk just pm me. Prayers!!!

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