can you help love?

[a fallen leaf]

Hello - I've been in a relationship for year with a great Christian guy - a type of a man I could imagine as my husband and father of my children. However, recently something strange happened with my feelings - don't feel butterflies in my stomach anymore and feel as if I fell out of love - this worries me, makes me really sad. Can't imagine I could break up though - still love him deep inside. Can you love someone truly without being passionate about them? Can I do something to revive this relationship and get rid of the strange feelings I randomly got? It just hit me last weekend.

On Friday, randomly I got strange about him, then it stopped, returned in the morning. Later on I met on Saturday, went to dinner, everything was great as always, forgot about the whole thing. Then he came briefly (5mins) on Sunday, left, and I've had this really strange feeling in me - like indifference, or like as if I was falling out of love. And at the same time - I don't want this to happen. Really. And the fact that I'm not gonna see him till Friday makes me paranoid - think I'm gonna die till then thinking that I may be losing my feelings for him.
What's wrong with me?

Please help - he means the world to me.

 

[mustang333]

Love is much more than feelings. The feelings come and go, but I think true love is ever present whether we feel it or not. My advice would be not to rely on your feelings so much. I think love is revealed in relationships when couples have to go through hard times. The bible talks about love in 1 Corinthians 13 if you would want to see that definition (though it is is about love in general, not just romantic love).


Matt

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I agree with what the above poster said. If we based every decision on feelings, we would later live with a lot of regrets. Feelings aren't love. Sometimes you will have those feeling sometimes you won't. I think you know you still love the person when deep down, all you want is for them to be happy, and would do anthing to make them happy. Feelings come and go, don't rely on them so much.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Love is a choice.

You were infatuated, or in what is commonly known as "the honeymoon phase."

 

[JdwB10]

I posted in the same thread that you posted in the Courting Couples Forum.

I will summerize here.

You are NOT falling out of love. It is not possible to fall out of love, because if you really feel that way, you never loved him to begin with. "Falling out of love" is an unfounded feeling, that is based on what is happening in your relationship at that moment. Whether is be stress, finances or just plain life, you will not always FEEL like loving the person you're with. But to keep the relationship alive, you need to learn to stop being selfish and self-centered, and actually do something about what you're feeling.

I'm sorry if all this comes across as harsh, but it's how I learned this lesson, and it saved my relationship. I used to feel the same thing; any time I'd be around my boyfriend, I would feel like something was missing. I wouldn't know what was going on, and I would fear that I was "falling out love". As a result I became very focussed on how I felt in the relationship, and I forgot about just how wonderful my boyfriend was. I found every excuse to start an argument, because it continued to feed my FEELINGS.

And then one day it hit me: I was going to loose him, if I didn't change. He didn't say this, mind you. But I knew it. I drove home from work, bawling my eyes out. I went to his door, and as soon as he answered it, I burst into tears. He held me, as tightly and he could, as I apologized and spilled my heart out to him. Our relationship has been extremely healthy ever since, and we are now well on our way to being married.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you really love him deep inside, like you said above, PROVE IT. Act on it. Don't base your relationship on what you FEEL; feelings are fleeting and dangerous. Base your relationship on what you KNOW; if you know you love him, and could see him as your husband and father to your children, WHAT IS THERE TO WORRY ABOUT? That is love, right there! That is not only love, but it's the truest form of passion anyone could ask for!

Stop posting in this forum, and go do something for him. (If you're thinking right now, "Do something for HIM? Why?" then you need to re-evalutate what is important to you in life.) This is NOT about you, right now. This is about HIM. I'll explain why: feeling as though you're "falling out of love" is a normal feeling, but it is also a very selfish thought. By doing something for the man you claim to love, you're learning to LEAD your heart, and ignore your feelings. You're acting on that love you say is deep inside. The more you act on that love, especially when you don't feel like it, the more your relationship will fourish. It's like exercise: the more you build a muscle, the stronger it gets. Sometimes it hurts, especially if you haven't built it up in a while, but with stretching and a good work out every day, and a healthy diet, eventually, it will get to the point that, without even doing anything, you'll see it.

If you're thinking about marriage and children, learn to lead your heart now. If you allow yourself to stay in this rut of pessimisum and self-pity, you're relationship will die. Period.

 

[a fallen leaf]

JdwB10, I'm so grateful you poured out your heart to address my stupidity.
I've been struggling with my feeling so terribly for the last few days, getting anxious, couldn't sleep and eat, and probably persuading myself that all my feelings for him are gone. Saw him yesterday and a kiss didn't taste the same as before - I freaked out. I told him how I feel, delicately, and since he's a wonderful man, he understood - but I know he wonders about this. I love him, and assured him about this but he's worried, I'm sure. I will apologise tomorrow - thank you that you made me realise this man is a true gift to me.
I think the problem here is that this relationship has been on a distance for a while now, and the fact that he is an amazing guy may have got blurred through it a little. And I'm off to another country for 3 years to complete my studies. I don't know what I should do - we thought we might step back for a while, just writing letters and seeing us in some perspective and then will decide whether to continue with our courtship for the last 2 years. We could see each other every 3 weeks, I try to have faith. Do you have any advice how I could handle this situation? I feel so emotionally weak.
I wonder if all that emotional rollercoaster contributed to how I felt.
Thank you again, you quite possibly saved my dream.

 

[JdwB10]

Here is my advice for the two of you: you need to sit and have a very long talk. Talk about your opportinities, where you want your life to go in those three years, where you want it to go after those three years, and where you want him to come into play. Tell him you can see him as your husband, tell him that you love him, and want the relationship to last, because you obviously do.

Second, ask him to explain where he wants his life to go through the next three years, and what part he wants you to play. He will probably have concerns with the distance, but remember that's normal. You need to make a comitment to each other to keep the relationship throughout the next three years, IF you really want the relationship to last. If that turns out to be a yes, then do some sort of act to seal the comitment: buy promsie rings(which means he will get one too), write out a contract(that you will copy, so you each have a copy to keep with you as a remidner). I would even suggest doing both.

And then PRAY. If you're both believers, drench this relationship in prayer and reading the word. If you can see him as your husband, and if he can see you as his wife, that would be pretty good indication that this is the man you'll be with for the rest of your life. If it is meant to be, God will bless the relationship. Write letters, definitely. Spend time together while you can, and make it spontaneous and fun. Don't make it too serious, or the separation could be rocky. Make it fun.

And while your in a different country, keep the letters lively and affectionate. Send him things from the country your in, if you have inside jokes, find things that could go along with your inside jokes; do whatever you can to let him know you're thinking of him. Keep the verbal affirmation coming as well. And when you visit, make it as fun as you can. Talk about all of this too, and let him know what you expect of him during the separation. He can't read your mind. Ask him what we expects of you during the separation; you can't read hi mind, either.

Above all else, don't allow the separation to get to you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Show that. If, however, you decide that you might want to slow things down while you're gone, don't be emotional about it. If he suggests something you don't agree to, let him know. Discuss it, and meet together on mutual agreements. But don't demand, demand, demand; give to him, too. Remember, it's a fifty-fifty road. You both must give 100% at all times, even when separated by such a long distance.

 

[JdwB10]

Also, I would say that the "uncertainty" you have about your feelings ARE a result of this distance situation. You need to gain control of your feelings, because even though being nervous is normal, you can't allow your nerves to control your heart. If this man is your dream, that last thing you want to do is push him away. By default, you don't want to be hurt, or disappointed. You're most likely unconciously trying to convince yourself you don't love him, so that if the relationships ends while you're in another country, it won't hurt as bad. But what you don't realize is that by focussing on, not having butterflies, and his kiss not tasting the same, you're forcing the relationship to be rockier than it needs to be. A relationship that would normally have lasted, would now end, because of the anxiousness you felt. (I said WOULD, not WILL. You're realizing this in time, so as long as you adress it with your boyfriend, I'm sure everything will be fine.)

I've kissed my boyfriend and had it not taste the same, but it was because something was bothering me, and we hadn't talked about it. Talk to him. Tell him everything, and have the talk I mentioned in the above post.

 

[a fallen leaf]

Met up with him yesterday. And all my insecurity returned. I cooked for him, we went to church together, and tried to change my attitude and by the end of the day I still felt as if I was lying to him. I told him how I felt about him, and that although I loved him, I couldn't help not feeling the same about him as before. I cried and he held me. And it didn't help. He told me, we should pray about it, and do what God's will is. And leaving he mysteriously mentioned he had a secret plan.
I think I maybe need some time for myself, without having pressure on me. He thinks that too.
These past 2 months were quite intense - my exams are coming and I had to go away for a month - so the reality I've known for the past 2 months is books and my boyfriend - no deep friendships, no diversity in my free time. And my emotional side going up and down. I wonder if that is the cause - and us as a couple spending time in a similar way all the time. And the whole approaching distance thing added to it, I suppose. But you see, I never thought we wouldn't be able to make it. And he assured me he loved me yesterday, and sees there's no reason I should doubt it. And I don't doubt it really, I trust him.
But...oh why can't I just get over that mental barrier that is in my head? ;(((
I keep thinking about it, and trying to give it all to God, but it's lies heavy on my heart.
Oh, what can I do?

 

[JdwB10]

This is going to be harsh, but necessary. You've done nothing but contradict yourself over and over. You say you love him, but that you can't help not feeling the same about him as before. You can't have both worlds, here. You need to be an adult, and make a decision. Either you love him, or you don't. If he means so much to you, then shut up, and get over all of this, already! Unless there is an underlying issue that you've neglected to bring up, then the problem here is entirely YOU. You have convinced yourself that your feelings are changing. No one who continues to repeat how much they carefor/love someone, truly looses that love. The love hasn't disipated. It's still there, and probably in a much stronger way than before. You just refuse to tap into it.

I think you're scared to, but that's only what I see looking in, from the outside.

Here is what you need to do: you need to make an adult desicion. Can you live without this man in your life? Don't think about how long you've been together, think about you and him, in a relationship. Do you honestly see yourself marrying him? Having children with him? Can you see yourself at his side, as his wife, thirty years from now? Do you love him unconditionally? Could you live without him? Do you want to live without him? Ask yourself these questions, and be totally honest. The first answer that comes to your head is, usually, the one you actually think.

If you decide that, no, you don't want him in your life in this way, and only feel as though the relationship is an obligation, end it. Break up with him. The "love" you claimed to have, in that case, was never the love you thought it was. I'm not saying it wasn' love, because it very well could have been, but there's a very special kind of love that comes between two people when they know for a fact that God Himself ordained the relationship.

If you decide that yes, you love him in that way and couldn't imagine yourself with him, then you need to cowboy up, and grow up. You are going to eventually loose him if you continue to act in this way. Most people, when told that their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't feel the way they used to, wouldn't stick around. The fact that he has shows that you have one gem of a boyfriend. If you really love him, and you KNOW it, then yes you can help it. Fight your feelings. LEAD YOUR HEART.

If you want to talk in more depth, feel free to PM me. I hope this helped, and din't come across wrong.

 

[KatiPatti]

The butterflies, and those strong feels are what people usually called infatuation. These strong feelings are caused by chemicals going crazy in your brain, usually lasting around a year or so. The feeling wears off. You become comfortable with the person. The rush you got before doesn't happen. That happens to so many people, and they sometimes stop the relationship because of it. WHy? Because they aren't receiving that high they get, and rely on a chemical to get off on "love". Seriously, the area in our brain that is smitten is the same part of the brain that is effected when people are high on drugs such as cocaine. We are actually addicted to the horomones that we get when infatuated. This is the physical part of love, the selfish part which cares for the feelings you receive. Because love is all about feeling good, right? Come on, you have to be smarter than that. Really, love isn't about you, and what you are feeling, but caring about the person next to you.
Stop being selfish. If you can't go on with the relationship without the high, then stop wasting his time and leave him. Go find another rush. If you really love him, as you say, I would pray and think over what love actually means to you. Talk to him about what you want out of the relationship, and talk to God about your future together as well.
And please, read up on your biology. This could have been prevented if you knew the chemical reactions that happen within the brain when we find a "potential mate" (Of course, the mating part waits till marriage XD).

 

[DarkLegend28]

It's normal. Real love isn't butterflies. It transcends that completely.

Butterflies = Infatuation

Infatuation is normally what initiates relationships and it's inevitable that it goes away. But the love, care, and devotion doesn't. If you are that worried and you really love him, communicate. You need to be able to talk to him and work things out. But no, it does not mean you are falling out of love. You just need to stop, reflect, and look yourself over.