Can you help love?

[a fallen leaf]

Hello - I've been in a relationship for year with a great Christian guy - a type of a man I could imagine as my husband and father of my children. However, recently something strange happened with my feelings - don't feel butterflies in my stomach anymore and feel as if I fell out of love - this worries me, makes me really sad. Can't imagine I could break up though - still love him deep inside. Can you love someone truly without being passionate about them? Can I do something to revive this relationship and get rid of the strange feelings I randomly got? Please help, he means so much to me.

 

[peanutbutter12]

The whole butterflies thing is known as a honeymoon phase, and it does come to an end. The giddy feelings you get whenever you see that person go away, the fire you had when you first met dies down. That is when true love can begin as this person becomes part of your daily routine. This is when you see if what you felt was truly love or just childish feelings.

 

[Luther073082]

I agree with Terrasin.

Nothing to worry about, what you are experiencing is totally normal.

As long as you still love him, everything is fine.

Thats not to say that you shouldn't try to avoid passion in your life or that the passion will never return. But its not going to be there in the same way it was at the start of the relationship.

 

[a fallen leaf]

Thanks guys - so it's like this. It just hit me last weekend.

On Friday, randomly I got strange about him, then it stopped, returned in the morning. Later on I met on Saturday, went to dinner, everything was great as always, forgot about the whole thing. Then he came briefly (5mins) on Sunday, left, and I've had this really strange feeling in me - like indifference, or like as if I was falling out of love. And at the same time - I don't want this to happen. Really. And the fact that I'm not gonna see him till Friday makes me paranoid - think I'm gonna die till then thinking that I may be losing my feelings for him.
What's wrong with me?

 

[peanutbutter12]

Things like stress can cause emotional fluctuations like this.

 

[JdwB10]

Stop being so senseless. Seriously. The phrase, "falling out of love" is a completely unfounded phrase that has absolutely nothing to do with actual love. "Falling in love" and "falling out of love" are feelings that come about as a result of whatever is going on your relationship at that moment. The first date, or even the first few months, of the relationship you feel all giddy; get butterflies, etc., and you feel as though you're "falling".

But then there are disagreements. Stress. Finances. You'll break each other's hearts from time to time. Life happens, and you will FEEL as though you're are "falling out of love". What YOU need to realize is that love is a choice, not some magic force that chooses two people and forces them together against their will. I didn't even understand this until I started dating my boyfriend, now fiancee. We had an awesome first couple of months. And then he started challenging me to be better; to change, and it scared me. Certain personality traits I didn't even know I had started rising to the surface, and it made our relationship really rocky at times. And I would get selfish. And then there were times when he truly would be in the wrong, and it hurt. so I'd get really upset and angry and feel like, "I don't want this emotional stress!" And I would think I was "falling out of love".

But I realized that, no matter how hard it is, you MUST lead your heart. Unless the relationship is abusive or something, then there is NO reason to say that you are "falling out of love". If this is, truly, someone you couldn't live without(and in my case, I knew I could not live without him), then you'll realize it's not all about you. He may be your boyfriend, but you are also his girlfriend. That means its a fifty-fifty road. You can't just claim to be "falling out of love", and expect people to feel sorry for you. Get up, and do something about it, if you really love him. As far as passion goes, it's a feeling. It will NOT always be prominent. But if you're worried about that, then do something to reignite that passion. Don't just sit there and allow it to dwindle; be spontaneous.

My fiancee and I like to get away from things, sometimes. My family is over dramatic(hence the reason I used to be) and it's nice to get away from everyone. Do things you wouldn't normally do; play miniature golf, go to a museum, go to a concert, the movies, a really nice dinner, a ball, a dance, hang out with friends, etc. Whatever it is that can get you away from normal life so you can focus on each other, do it. Also, to help him(because you never know what he's feeling), maybe write him a love letter? A poem? A song? Draw him a picture? Make him a card? Take him shopping and have him pick out an outfit for you to wear. (Yes, I just said that) These things will make him feel wonderfully special, and will inspire him to do things special for you as well. They will also remind YOU how much you love him, and want to be with him; how much you want to please him. All around, very good things. My fiancee and I do this all the time, and it continues to bring new life to our relationship. I can go to my closet and say, "Hmm...what do I want to wear that I know he will love?" And the look on his face when he sees me, in the shirt he picked out, makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

If you really love him, deep inside, you'll find a way to pull that love to the surface. And you know what'll happen when you do that? You'll get feelings that are even better than butterflies. Everytime I see my fiancee's face, my heart beats so much faster and harder, and I realize that I have been given the greatest opportunity in the world; to love someone completely. Hard times will always come and go, but as long as you lead your heart, you'll gwt through them and be a better person for it.

And by lead your heart, I mean you ACT and THINK on what you KNOW, not what you FEEL. If you know you love him, act like you love him, remind yourself you love him. And you FEEL like you're loosing that love, act like you're not. Becuase guess what? YOU'RE NOT. Don't get so focused what what USED to be normal, but instead look forward to what lies ahead for you; make your relationship fresh and new. Do things for him, romantic things, that you've never done before. Remind yourself, and even him, of the beginning of your relationship, and a new love WILL wash over the relationship.

But if you really love him, and especially if you can see yourself marrying him, you have to learn to lead your heart now, or your marriage could end up down the drain.

You're not falling out of love. LEAD your heart. IGNORE the stupid feelings you keep focussing on. And FIGHT for what you love.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

love isn't just about feelings. There are times in a relationship you will worry about how you feel about them or how the other person feels. I used to panic every time me and my boyfriend got into arguments-I thought he would fall out of love with me. But over time I learned that love is a CHOICE, it isn't something that just HAPPENS. He CHOSE to love me, even when I made him mad, and I CHOSE to love him despite his imperfections.

What you're going through is normal, and now this means that you MUST lead your heart, like everyone else said! love is a COMMITTMENT, a CHOICE, so I hope you find a way to get through the rough patches!

 

[a fallen leaf]

JdwB10, thanks so much, I was trying to PM you but it wouldn't let me.

The thing has been dragging me down for a month now. I really need someone to tell me what is wrong with me. I read all these messages and I'm extremely grateful but please once more, help - it got worse.

I don't know what to do.

For the past month I've been losing my sleep thinking I may not love him anymore. Not only did I think I lost my feelings for him, I felt aversion. And fear, anxiety that I never truly loved him. And this came all of a sudden, we spent a weekend together, he left and I can't help thinking there's no much left in me for him.

I can have a nice time with him, but I can't help examining my feelings at the same time and discovering I don't feel anything. I read a book and can't focus on it because the thought it may be true petrifies me. I doubt and feel very anxious, and have a constant urge to phone him and chat it through. We talked about it, but last night I thought it got better and said it was gone. I wonder whether I had told myself something, believed in it, and cannot proceed anymore.

I wonder whether this is caused by the fact that for the past 2 months my life consisted of him and books (exam season) and I never got to see him around people I used to see him around before. Could I get too much of him? We didn't see each other that many times but I didn't get to see others very much either.

Yesterday he said we need to talk about what our plans for the future are, and I felt anxious again, thinking that what I had for him have changed.
A month ago I dreamed about marrying him, now I'm scared I may not love him. How could this happen?

This relationship has been so good so far, and I don't want to let it go because of how I feel. But at the same time I feel it's not like it's used to be. Maybe this was just infatuation that is over now and I cannot cope with the reality? You said: if you fell in love once you cannot fell out of it. What if what I thought was love wasn't love? Can I still learn how to love him?

I can't imagine my life without him. At the same time I feel terrible when he is all affectionate with me and I'm not like that towards him. I thought it was normal to 'feel in love' after a year of going out. And it all changed within a day - we spent a weekend together, he was gone and something totally twisted my feelings around for him.

What can I do? I'm absolutely terrified that something worthwhile will end because of me being stupid.

How can I relate to him so that I can regain what was lost? How can I stop thinking about the doubts I have? He's an amazing man, thinking about me seriously, and I want to be his. But I want to show him he is special and do not think at the same time that I pretend. I need to go abroad next year and I want to leave knowing I love him.

Please please help me. I cannot afford to lose him.

 

[Luther073082]

This relationship has been so good so far, and I don't want to let it go because of how I feel. But at the same time I feel it's not like it's used to be. Maybe this was just infatuation that is over now and I cannot cope with the reality? You said: if you fell in love once you cannot fell out of it. What if what I thought was love wasn't love? Can I still learn how to love him?

I can't imagine my life without him. At the same time I feel terrible when he is all affectionate with me and I'm not like that towards him. I thought it was normal to 'feel in love' after a year of going out. And it all changed within a day - we spent a weekend together, he was gone and something totally twisted my feelings around for him.

What can I do? I'm absolutely terrified that something worthwhile will end because of me being stupid.

Umm question. I think you need to ask yourself why it bothers you the thought of not having him in your life.

Because here is the thing. All of that sounds like love a lot to me hon. The only way its not love is that if you are in some sort of hurry to get married to anyone.

How can I relate to him so that I can regain what was lost? How can I stop thinking about the doubts I have? He's an amazing man, thinking about me seriously, and I want to be his. But I want to show him he is special and do not think at the same time that I pretend. I need to go abroad next year and I want to leave knowing I love him.

Please please help me. I cannot afford to lose him.

You seem very very committed to keeping this relationship going. And I havn't seen a selfish type of reason behind it either.

Yeah sometimes you might not feel like being affectionate all the time. Sometimes you might not always have the super sappy feelings that cause those butterflies in your stomach.

What you have to realize is that love isn't all about that.

So why do you want to keep him in your life? Ask yourself that question and I think you will get your answer.

Personally I really do think you love him and you havn't stopped. I just think you are disturbed because you arn't feeling super sappy all the time.

If you where falling out of love with him I think you would give a lot more thought to breaking up with him and/or finding someone new. But everything you say, you don't even give that a bit of consideration. You say yourself "I can't afford to lose him", "I don't want to let go of it.", "I can't imagine life without him.". Perhaps the 3rd thing is more telling then the rest. It says in the long term you really want to have this guy around, despite some of your short term feelings.

Trust your long term feelings, they probably will serve you best over uhh the long term.

My short term feelings sometimes tell me that I want to quit this Christian stuff. Not because I don't belive, but because I want to live my life for ME. I sometimes really want to go off and just do the stuff I want to do and not worry about what God thinks.

But I don't do that. Its not a long term thought, my long term mind is still completly captive to Christ.

And your long term mind seems completly committed to this man. So if you are going to ask yourself if you love him. Ask yourself what you want in the long term.

 

[a fallen leaf]

I'm not really in a hurry to get married - I have to go abroad for a few years and I know it's gonna be tough on us. But he thinks seriously about it and I know it means a lot to him.
I don't want to lead him on, saying it'll be all fine and that I love him, while my feelings try to convince me I don't. But deep inside, I don't want to leave. I reckon my feelings can change over the couple of years and whatever made me feel weird about him now, may disappear within that time. But i'd like to make a commitment that I want to be with him before I leave. And it's hard when you don't feel loving.

I think I'd like to make myself feel what I felt before too hard. The worst thing is that I try to make up for what I don't feel, giving him passionate kisses so instead of being affectionate it becomes sexual, and it only shows I'm being selfish. I feel awful about it.

The thing is, he's not perfect - not the most handsome guy ever, but he has a heart like no one else! He'd be an amazing husband and dad. I doubt I'd ever find anyone better.
Also, we got along very well so far, and were friends before started going out and I don't understand the change.

I understand how it may be reasonable not to feel in love all the time. But I've had that thorn in my soul for the past month and i can't go along like that.
Could it be time? We didn't spend a quality of time together for a while - were busy studying and got quite boring. Could it be it? Or am I just trying to find excuses?

I feel I convinced myself something untrue about him and fell out of love.
I really want to be back there, I've never shared so much of my life with anyone, and no one has ever supported me so well.

 

[a fallen leaf]

I just had a thought:

Before that feeling came upon me - I'd always do things that would convince him that I'm the one for him - and so was trying to do things that I knew he appreciated and I knew he would admire me for them, e.i. cooking for him, going where he'd like me to be. Recently he ordered a book about engagement and I felt I fell out of love a week later. I wonder if that affected me subconsciously. I feel the whole mystique of not knowing 100% what he's thinking about me and how seriously he's considering me was ruined and we might have started taking our relationship too seriously too soon.
I think I started taking him for granted. And I know I shouldn't. We had a chat about me having these feelings and he said we should just leave our relationship if I'm not sure about him, because I'm about to go away. I wonder whether deep inside I still think he likes me way too much to leave me.

Can I do anything to stop taking him for granted?

 

[Luther073082]

Well if you are taking him for granted you need to try and consider what a gift God has given you and look at him as such.

Personally though, if it where me I wouldn't go overseas for that long without my fiancee for any reason. Only 1000 miles seperate us now with no ocean and we see eachother once every 2 months. And thats tough enough. When I get married I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I don't think there is anything that could convince me otherwise.

I can't figure out for you if you love him or not. I don't think any of us can.

Are you mentally preparing yourself in some way to not see him for a while which is causing you to be more emotionally distant?

 

[a fallen leaf]

I don't think I am - unless it's a subconscious thought. So far I always believed we can managed it fine, could see each other every month or so.

And now this thing happened....

I think I'll just try to love him in a way it is possible for me now, and try not to think what goes on with my emotions. It will be good to get out of my selfish self.
I can only hope that my feelings will change.

Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[JdwB10]

Let me give you an example that, I hope, helps you.

Yesterday my fiance and I took my brother to a waterfall around where we live. My brother's leaving for boot camp shortly, and we wanted to make his going away not as...stressful. We hiked two miles up to these falls and I decided I wanted to go a mile back down, to the man waterfall. I started back on my own, perfectly content. My fiance, being the athlete that he is, started running after me five or ten minutes later. He hit is knee on a rock on the way down, but had to keep running since he was already going too fast. He ran into me, knocking me into the ground which consisted of very sharp rocks.

I was [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed.

Very, very, mad.

I refused his "help". He hadn't offered an apology at all, or even asked if I was okay, so in my mind, I was going to do things on my own. He threw a fit, and ran away from me, leaving me and my very busted leg with my brother.

The entire mile down to the bottom of the falls, I was fuming mad. I felt like breaking up with him, felt like calling off the wedding, felt offended, felt abandoned, felt alone, felt depressed, felt anxious.....I felt alot of things. But I knew that I still loved him, and that he still loved me. I didn't know he'd just busted his knee, nor did I no that when I fell it freaked him out so bad, he was worried about overreacting and freaking me out, so he tried to play it down.

After we caught up with each other he admitted his wrong doing, apologized very sincerely, I forgave him and we both decided that, even though it was a very serious situation, we still wanted everything we'd wanted before the fall.

Your feelings will lead you astray. You can NOT, I repeat, CAN NOT, go by them. You feel like you're falling out of love, you feel like your emotionally detatched, yet everything you say on here continues to prove your rather fervent devotion and love towards this man.

Do you honestly not see it? You love him. Accept it. I think that what is scaring is you is not that you're falling out of love, but you're going deeper in love. The "feelings" do change, when you go deeper in love with someone. It doesn't feel, or look or sound the same at all. It can be scary at times. But he obviously loves you, and you obviously love him. Stop being so anxious. You have no reason to be.

 

[a fallen leaf]

JdwB10, thanks a lot, the story's quite helpful, but the thing is you felt so many emotions when that happened, and I feel nothing. Maybe a little bit of fear, anxiety and aversion towards him, but nothing as powerful as your feelings. Does it still apply?

Someone said once that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. What if I became so indifferent I can't rekindle what I felt for him in the first place?

He came over yesterday and we had a long chat, I cried so much and he held me, his shirt all wet with my tears. I told him I don't feel anything. And I don't know what happened. This all changed within a night, maybe I got scared that he is not as perfect and presentable as I thought he was and I may not find him attractive anymore.
I'm trying to convince myself he's got a good heart and that's why I love him. But I end up in resentment.

I don't know how to get out of this vicious cycle. I was trying really hard to act as if nothing happened, as if this loving feeling was still within me. And yet, I couldn't stop being aware that I don't feel about him in the same way. I'm sitting trying to focus on my studies and can't think of anything else but what's happened to me and why.
I don't want to see the end of us, I've been so happy throughout the relationship until THIS happened.

I don't know how to help myself. We thought maybe seeing each other more in the context of our friends would help. After all that's how we fell in love in the first place. I'm scared I 'programmed' myself to feel indifferent and repulsed and to make myself aware of how I feel every time I approach him. My perception of him totally changed, I look at him and see not the same person as before. The natural feelings of affection might come back naturally but I don't know how to stop cling to how I feel NOW so much to let them. This has taken all my joy away ;( Is there anything that could help me?

 

[CJF]

You keep saying that you don't see him in the same light as you did before; that you don't think of him as you did before. That, perhaps, he's not the kind of guy you originally thought he was. It sounds like some of the thoughts I have had in my relationship; thoughts that came from a fear of trusting that he was exactly who I thought he was.

The more I read, the more I feel that there's a deeper problem here that you haven't adressed yet. Has he done anything to make you questions your love for him? Because everyone will. I do things that can put fleeting questions in my fiance's mind. He does things to put questions in mine. No one is perfect, and even someone who has a ridiculously strong will, can and will make mistakes-huge ones, that they will have to work through.

To find a guy who is perfect is impossible. To find a guy who's going to remain completely consistant forever is impossible. People change. But that doens't mean they're any worse or better than who they were before. Some cases the change is for the worse, but those tend to be pretty drastic changes.

Anyone who expresses such a desire to figure a problem like this out, doesn't feel "nothing". You feel alot. I just don't think you see it. You say you're not attracted to him like you used to be. I have only, ever, experienced this once in my life, and it was when I was started to be attracted to a guy besides the guy I was with at the time. I was sixteen, and very immature. I'm not saying you are attracted to someone else, just that I can't really help you there since I have a very limited experience on this.

You obviously desire for this relationship to continue, but not so that you can benifit; so that your boyfriend can benefit. Which is awesome. It proves you really do love and care for him. But you have to ask yourself, is this what YOU want.

 

[lovegod_lovepeople]

a fallen leaf,

I went through this a lot with my boyfriend and I actually started going to counseling because it was getting into a lot of different areas in my life.

What you keep talking about sounds a lot like Relationship OCD. People always think of OCD as washing your hands, etc which isn't really true. It just means that you have obsessive thoughts that you can't control and you have different ways of dealing with these thoughts (compulsions). If anything else I would look it up, it may hurt. Most people call it ROCD. There is a forum called stuck in a doorway where some people deal with it on there too. Sorry if I'm totally off, but if you are struggling with this stuff then sometimes it helps to learn about it.